Just experienced a new feeling - being a first time and everyone hating me for being useless! did i hurt my baby?

[bumbly]

I never thought this would come with being a new mum...

hubby giving me disapproving fleeting comments (not on purpose mind you) but whenever i make little mistakes...

same with my monther..saying you and all your books and courses and yet dpn't even know how to hold a baby

a course doesn't teach you that!!!

basically whenever I do something wrong - as am a completely non baby person...people give me bad vibe looks...

story: yesterday I was holding baby to my chest..he was rooting around as was hungry then went into a huge tantrum...i got my long hair stuck and with one hand was trying to release it..then all of sudden..LO's head jerked violently back - hit my other hand and he hit my chest back again

he cried but it was more the fact that head went in a funny angle back and forward!

am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worried...did i cause any brain damage???

been worried sick all day and reduced to tears..

i know how shaking harms little ones..and here i was holding him when he suddenly jerked his head back in a horrible angle!
how do you know if you have caused any damage to his little neck, spine and esp his brain??

i seem to be esp bad with the holding thing...everything else seems fine....

am now petrified of picking him up - in case i hurt him again!

It always looks alarming when their head goes right back but paeds often let them do this when checking strength and reflexes. I bet your dh would n't have worried if he had seen it in that context. If you are still concerned phone your mw/hv.

Don't worry - my dss did that occasionally. One leant back so far that I almost dropped him, because unlike you, I didn't have my other hand free to catch his head. Scared me to death but he was fine. One jerk doesn't equal shaking.

I am sure that you are doing absolutely fine and you will find your way of doing things that you and your baby are comfortable with. Don't listen to anybody else. We aren't born knowing all this baby stuff it all has to be learnt and I am sure that you are learning just fine. Tell your mother that if she can't say anything positive not to say anything at all. Or simply don't see her. As somebody says, I expect she is excited about her new grandchild and is itching to give him a big cuddle but he isn't hers so she needs to back off.

As for DP, tell him that you are doing your best and he should stop criticising. I am sure that you are both sleep deprived which doesn't help and things can get a bit snappy - perhaps he doesn't know that he is undermining you so much.

I always swore that I would never let either of my children fall off the bed as babies and yet they both did, even after being placed in the middle of the bed and not seemingly able to move in any way. I cried longer than both of them in the end but they are fine. Most mothers I know in RL have done the same - we aren't proud of it but it happens. Babies are remarkably resilient.

Enjoy you LO as they grow so fast. In 2 months he will be holding his head up and you will have forgotten what it is like to hold a newborn.

When a baby hurts itself, the time to worry is not when they cry, it's when they are hurt but don't cry.

You haven't given him brain damage, you haven't caused shaken-baby syndrome; your baby is fine.

The confidence in handling him will come with time and practice - but you may need to be blunt with your mother and dh and tell them that they have to leave you alone. You need encouragement, not criticism and if they haven't anything supportive to say, they should keep it to themselves.

It will get better, truly it will.

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i'm just going to reiterate what others have said - i bounced ds off a doorframe when he was 10 days old! which was the day dh went back to work, so no-one witnessed it (fortunately!)

have you tried having a bath with him? i love going in the bath with my lo, and he loves being in the deep water too! i found for the first few times it helped to have dh there to carry him in and out as i was scared of slipping with him, but now i do it on my own.

your confidence will grow along with your lovely baby. congratulations on the birth, and as others have said, if you are really worried about SBS speak to your HV or GP.

just fyi - shaken baby syndrome only occurs when a little baby is violently shaken backwards and forwards repeatedly. babies are tough little things, although it doesn't seem like it at first, they'd never survive otherwise!!

Just wanted to agree with everyone else - I'm sure your baby is absolutely fine.

When my dd1 was 2 weeks old I was trying to fit the car seat into the car and jerked it forwards by accident causing her head to fling forward. She howled at me but I think she was just really annoyed at being woken up. I was however worried so called the doctor who told me firmly that babies are very robust and not to worry. When she was 2 months old I dropped an ELC rainmaker on her head while playing with her and being nice Mummy! With dc 2 and 3 I was much more relaxed - you will soon be too.

A midwife once said to me "Don't worry, they're designed to be dropped from waist height when they're born!"

Bumbly, if it was that easy to harm a baby, there wouldn't be an undamaged baby left on MN!There is not one of us here who didn't feel a bit overwhelmed by having a new baby, probably including your dh, who IIRC, behaved as if he thought motherhood had slightly unhinged me, which in all fairness, it probably had!
My MIL was dreadful, interfering in every possible way and my Mum HELD MY BOOB UP!!! to check how much milk was there because she reckoned I had been feeding for ages and he obviously wasn't getting enough. This from a woman who had obviously forgotten that she had breastfed 3 babies herself.
In short, I spent the first six weeks of ds1's life in my dressing gown, crying and being bossed around by all and sundry.
Agree with what others have said, the fact that he cried when he was hurt is a very good sign. Really, that is NOT how babies get shaken baby syndrome. Please stop worrying!

do you believe us yet, bumbly? because you can, truly you can. we know what we're talking about here... all of us, it would appear, are really crap at remembering not to drop or batter our children and yet they've all survived intact.

Oh and I have many a time whacked all three boys' heads on the car doorway just before putting them in their carseats! All still fine!

bumbly, I remember putting dd in her car seat when she was about 4 mnths, it was one of
those seats you get with a travel system and on placing her into said seat I whacked
her head on the handle

I thought for weeks after that i'd given her permenant brain damage as her head seemed to have hit the handle so violently.

She's 3 now and is as bright as a button!

I also forgot to strap her into her highchair at 9 mths and found her on the floor after slipping out from under it

I'm a fab mum and these things were done probably cos I was sooooo sleep deprived when she was young, she's not had any kind of serious accident since the highchair

Also she's 3 now and is now beginning to wtite
her own name and is on c.beebies.com like a real pro, so I don't think those couple of mistakes on my part have rendered her brain damaged.

You sound like such a lovely mummy, your ds is a lucky little boy!

I remember seeing a program on tv or somewhere on shaken baby syndrome and they had a demonstration (on a doll) of how hard a baby would have to be shaken to cause this syndrome. It was horrific.

I completely understand your worries, I have tendancy to get like this about bumps on heads etc.. and I haven't even got my own kids! Babies really are tougher than they look though.

Your confidence will grow as your son does, you'll see.

Bumbly, I'm another one who has whacked DS's head on a door frame when he was tiny - I was swinging him into the sling. He screamed but was fine (I wasn't!)

Holding a baby doesn't come naturally for most of us. It's an on the job experience, and your little one won't care. He will know that you are the one that loves him and takes care of him though.

Aww bumbly, feeling for you. DD is only 6 weeks, but I can tell you that it does get easier. I'm practically throwing DD around now!

I really worried that I had brain damaged her too as we had a couple of incidents where she turned blue while feeding because I wasn't paying attention and she was chocking. Convinced I had deprived her brain of oxygen! Paediatrician assured me I hadn't, although I worry now if she is just staring into space which she sometimes does.

Anyway, as everyone else said, I'm sure she is fine, and honestly, we are all just trying to get through the days without breaking our children

You have nothing to worry about with what happened to your DS. I fell down the stairs whilst holding DS and he was okay, and I also tripped up a step and landed with DS head smacking the chimneybreast (In my defence your honour, I did have nerve damage that was making me very clumsy). Took DS to hospital as I was convinced he would be brain damaged, but the very kind staff at A&E assured me that it takes a lot more than a bump to damage a baby.

Take Aitch's advice about speaking to your mum. You are doing a good job and don't need anyone undermining you, even in small ways.

Take care of yourself

Hmmm, maybe we should start a thread for the MNetters who HAVEN'T whacked their babies heads on the table/doorframe... Don't think it would be a busy thread though.

Seriously, Bumbly, we have all done it, we have all felt horrible and guilty afterwards and it has always been worse for us than for the babies.

I felt all fingers and thumbs with DD and again when DS was born 2 years later. It is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Your Mum and DH need to back off and let you build up your confidence. You are obviously a very caring and loving mum and your DS is lucky to have you.

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Hey Bumbly

The first day my HV visited I went to get DS from upstairs, in his moses basket, and the blardy thing got stuck on something in the hall, the handle ripped out of my hand and my DS dropped out of the moses basket on to the floor in front of my HV.

I was in A&E 2 times after that with head banging (various). Once over night. He was absolutely fine

Babies don't come with a manual (more's the pity). You learn everything as you go along. At certain points in my babies' babyhood, I began to gauge a day as good if we were all still alive at the end of it. You are certainly doing things right. Everyone makes mistakes, and you are probably feeling exceptionally vulnerable at the moment and feeling responsible for things that are actually fine. I don't even say out loud the things we did by accident to our babies when they were tiny (that thing with the nail scissors at three days old- you know, when you cut just a little too much off and and they bleed? Three.times. Once with each baby. I promised myself never to cut any possible other baby's nails until they were at least six months or curling over their little fists, whichever came sooner...)

Bumbly - you are doing fine and dandy. My LO has a habit of flinging his head back as I am walking through doorways and whacking his head on the frame. He always has bruises on his head

But he is happy and fine. You will find your own path...just try to relax, explain to your DH and mother how you feel they are critical (they prob don't realise they are doing it) and take you time.

xx

another one here. ds had his little head whacked off a doorframe when he was very young. ive done all sorts of horrible things to dd by accident (prob ds too, just dont remember)...just the other day i was holding her hand, she tripped over and as she went i managed to tread on her other hand

they're both ok though!

I did that door frame thing, and raise you a losing grip of the soapy infant in the sink (not entirely (much) submerged). Anyone? (please)

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Please try to relax and have faith in yourself as a mummy, I am sure you are doing a fantastic job. Both my dd's have had their heads knocked off the car on the way in to the car seat - dd1 is 3 and bright as a button, dd2 is 5 and a half months and is doing fantastic too.
I remember once when dd1 was about 6 months i was attempting to put her into a door bouncer and managed to drop her onto the kitchen floor head first! I went straight to the docs and he almost laughed at me for panicking so much. She was absolutely fine but for a tense few minutes I really thought I must have done her some damage till the doc reassured me.

Also had the odd doorframe knock too. DD2 was about 6 weeks when dp was bathing her - I was stood behind him and he said something to wind me up, so i jokingly kneed him in the back and he fell over and knocked the baby bath over with dd2 in it - and she kinda went under, but he grabbed her very quickly! I honestly for a split second thought she was going to drown! She was absolutely fine and doesnt even have a fear of the bath!!