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Original poster

DH's behaviour not on...

106 replies

pupuce · 02/08/2002 00:03

Salalex - here I am
I can't believe you've just been through this. There is nothing that justifies this sort of treatment... what did he say today ?

OP posts:
monkey · 04/08/2002 11:20

I'm sorry I have no further advice to offer, only my best wishes and support for you and your daughters. Good luck for the time ahead, and you can rest assured you have countless people here on mumsnet who'll always be hear to listen & offer support.
All the best

Lizzer · 05/08/2002 11:29

Salalex, I haven't talked about this on mumsnet before but this seems a good time to mention it but when I left my daughter's father at 7 months pregnant his behaviour had deteriorated to the point that your husband's has, violent attacks and constant verbal abuse (which is sometimes worse - I totally started believing I was the names he was calling me.) I know just what you are going through and it took me a good two years to get my confidence back but please keep believing you are doing the right thing for you and your children. There is never any excuse for treating another person like this, and the relationship becomes about control and not about love. Try to remember that.
I had it rough but once I got out I started living again and have found out a lot about myself in the process. I wish you all the luck in the world, its a big brave step but for me it was the best thing I have ever done...

Rhubarb · 05/08/2002 12:04

Good luck Salalex. It does look like he has taken this as the perfect excuse to end things. I hope you can find happiness without him x

Mopsy · 05/08/2002 22:16

How are you Salalex. Hope your weekend was ok, I'm thinking of you. love Mopsy xx

salalex · 07/08/2002 21:02

Hi Mopsy, I'm fine thanks. H and 2dds with nanny in Wales - me here having the house valued and just taking a breath after the events of last week. Apprehensive about return of h on saturday - not cos of a violence threat, but it's going to be an awful atmosphere methinks. I feel rather selfish as I have not contributed much to mumsnet myself recently, just moaned and asked for advice. So warmest thanks to you all for writing to me and i hope I can reciprocate in the future - on hopefully happier topics! mind you H is having the computer - disaster!!!!

MABS · 07/08/2002 21:05

Really thinking of you Salalex - don't be ridiculous about not contributing - Take loads of care . Regards Mabs

Original poster
pupuce · 07/08/2002 21:05

Salalex... it's your turn to need help... take advantage of it.... you've helped plenty of people before !!!

OP posts:
jodee · 07/08/2002 22:39

Salalex, absolutely NO QUESTION of you being selfish, we're here to help each other so do keep posting!

Rhubarb · 07/08/2002 22:54

Salalex, if you lived near me I could build a computer for you! Well, I did 8 weeks of a computer maintenance course so I'm half qualified! Seriously, I hope he's had time to dwell on what a b***d he's been to you. Best of luck to you, I'm sure in time all will be well.

jasper · 07/08/2002 23:34

Glad to see your name again here salalex.
Hope you are okay.
Selfish? Don't be such a daft ninnie
ps can't you ask for joint custody of the computer ?

ScummyMummy · 07/08/2002 23:43

Selfish? I think nottus. Hope things will start to get better soon and that the atmosphere won't be as bad as you think. xx

Marina · 08/08/2002 14:12

Salalex, that's what Mumsnet is for. Keep your chin up and keep us in touch with how you are doing, we are all thinking of you.

lilibet · 08/08/2002 16:34

Hi Salalex, hope you are ok, or as ok as you can be in the circumstances. I have been reading back thru this, and have had many similar experiences to yours. I always feel dreadful telling people my husband is violent and did for many years always find reasons to excuse it. It wasn't extreme and was only sporadic, but being slapped about a couple of times a year is not acceptable esp ecially if its in front of your children. I have in the past 18 months been plucking up the courage to leave and am moving out in September (gulp!), only on the last occasion did I get the police involved, and they were wonderful. In fact h was shaking me and banging my head against a wall in front of 2 ds's, I called the police but as the boys were v upset at the thought of dad being taken away I put the phone down, but as the call was traced they came anyway, I wouldn't press charges for a lot of the same reasons that you wouldn't- he would loose his job being a very biggie, but the police took him to one side and spoke to him and although there have been moments since when his behaviour has been threatening I have known that it wouldn't happen again because of the police talking to him. If it does happen to you again, and i really hope it doesn't but I have gone thru 18 years of thinking that it would be the last time, get the police to have a word with him even if you aren't going to press charges. On a lighter note, the police coming led to one of those incidents that will make me blush if I live to be 100, When the violence occurred I was in just my dressing gown having got out of the bath(I ws sitting in the wrong place on the couch in case you're interested!) and when a lovely (young!) policeman was talking to me about my injuries, lots of which came out later, he asked for a pen and paper, as I got up to get them he became concerned that I was more badly injured than I had thought because there was blood all down the back of my dressing gown - yep my period had started - i have pink cheeks now at the thought of it! Good luck for the future s, lots of hugs and kisses, keep letting us know that you are ok.

Bozza · 08/08/2002 16:41

Well done lilibet for coming to the point where you won't put up with it and have made plans to get out. Hope everything works out alright for you come September - its a big move even if for the right reasons. Also very impressed with how succinctly you have expressed it on here for Salalex. LOL at your embarrassing "incident".

MABS · 08/08/2002 16:49

Lilibet - how brave you are , your children are lucky to have you. Hope September goes well.

lilibet · 08/08/2002 16:53

thanks a lot! You make me feel quite proud of myself but I don't feel brave. I'll let you know how we go on.

Bozza · 08/08/2002 17:11

ha but lilibet not feeling brave only means that you are braver than you think. Please let us know - especially if we can be of any help.

bossykate · 08/08/2002 19:25

lillibet, i think true courage is finding it in yourself to do the right thing despite your fears. you are very brave. well done.

aloha · 08/08/2002 22:10

Totally agree. Hooray for Lillibet. You are a brave woman and I am so glad you are using your experience to help and encourage others. Your dh sounds like a sh*t and I'm very happy you are coming out the other side.

aloha · 08/08/2002 22:11

Lillibet, don't mean to be intrusive, but why are you leaving? Shouldn't your husband be going? You will be Ok and get enough money and a good place to live, won't you?

Willow2 · 08/08/2002 22:30

Lilibet and Salalex, my heart goes out to you both - and yes you are brave. It is a very hard decision to leave your partner, especially when there are children involved - but violence is unacceptable, and staying for the children's sake is the biggest mistake you can make. I speak from experience - after my parents divorced my mother met another man and my siblings and I ended up moving with my mother and he to the countryside. We spent roughly ten years there - during which time my beautiful little sister was born. The charming man turned out to be a bully and a drunk and he beat my mother all too regularly. (We talk about it now and she admits that she used to believe it was all her fault - until it got to such a point that she would deliberately do everything she could to keep him "sweet", only to discover that he could only last a few days before losing his temper regardless). Finally, their relationship broke down to such an extent that we lived in separate ends of the rambling house they had renovated. The "charming man" found another woman to hang on his every slurred word - and, after much heartbreak, my mother became friends with a man who helped her see sense and get us out of there (the whole thing was complicated by the lack of common law wife laws at the time, so if we had just upped and left my mother would have lost every penny that she had put into the house. Instead we had to stay there while lawyers argued the whole thing out.) The day we moved out was one of the happiest of my life. Then, after several years of just us, my mum met and married a truly lovely man who I am proud to call my stepfather. He has been wonderful to us all, particularly my youngest sister. I hope you find the same.

lilibet · 08/08/2002 22:55

You are all really lovely! I am moving out because my husband refuses to and the only way that i can get him out is by pressing charges, which I wouldn't do and then I could bring a case for eviction. Yes, we have got somewhere nice to rent, my dd knows but 2ds's don't yet. I am planning at the moment, it's going to be a big move out in one day. H will go to work and then we are all going. I think the planning is keeping me going, I can cope with the practicalities of it all its when I think of the emotional side of it that I get wobbly. There have been some v good times inbetween the bad ones. Any how, this is salalex's thread and I do feel a bit bad about monopolising it, but thanks so much for all your kind thoughts and messages.

Willow2 · 08/08/2002 23:15

Sorry - didn't mean to finish so abruptly, but got phone call just as I was coming to the end. I meant that I hope that you find the same happiness - not that I hope you end up with my mum's husband!

WideWebWitch · 08/08/2002 23:31

lilibet, this thread is for anyone whose H's behaviour is not on I reckon so feel free to talk here. I agree, well done for having the bravery to act, good luck with moving.

bloss · 09/08/2002 02:04

Message withdrawn