DH's behaviour not on...

[pupuce]

Salalex - here I am
I can't believe you've just been through this. There is nothing that justifies this sort of treatment... what did he say today ?

Salalex - hope you are Ok today. Good advice here this morning. Take heed - you are not a bad person. Take care.

salalex i can't believe things have gotten this bad and i feel so heart sorry for your and your dd's.please get away from this man before he undermines you any more and please go to a doctor and get your injuries recorded if even for eevidence if dh gets bolshy over custody etc,my bestest friend was in a similiar situation and i had to take her to the hospital,we told the doc initially that she fell but then i asked on the side if it was domestic abuse would the police automatically get called in and they said no.so please get it noted officially even if you dont want the police brought in.i would also definately get some advice about an injunction to keep dh away from you as he sounds so volatile at the moment. i also had the same response from my ex dp when he realised the extent of my postings on mumsnet but dont let him put you down we are hear for you.you know of many of my problems although i have kept the more recent ones quite as ex dp is checking up and giving me a hard time for 'broadcasting our problems all over the net' but i am now on my own with 2ds,one of them has special needs as you know and im 6 months preg and really once i got the initial separation over i.e him moving out etc it REALLY isn't bad at all so please be strong and dont let him stop you posting,hope you can still make it on the 11 aug,you need to be with people who care.
you can e-mail on [email protected] and we can talk more if you want. But PLEASE,PLEASE get away from him asap.if you cant make the meet up we could meet together for support if you wish.speak to you soon and take care.

You lovely lovely people. thank you so much for writing and supporting me. I did go to the police after it happened, thinking I could report it and not press charges. However, domestic violence is high on the agenda for them and if i reported it, they'd investigate and press charges if they found evidence, whether I wanted them to or not. he would then have to go to court. Which could possibly lead to him losing his job I suppose and then we'd all be in s**t street as he'd have no money to give us. So much as I agree it is totally unacceptable I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I do not think he should get away with it but at the same time I don't want the girls to have a dad with a criminal record. But then they shouldn't have a violent dad either.I do get on well with his mum particularly but am worried about telling the whole picture before he does cos I don't know what he will do about the girls. I am so scared of him making it difficult with them and them seeing us behaving like a couple of lowlifes. He said yesterday he wuold still agree to joint custody - although if there is any suspicion of anybody ringing the house who shouldn't , he will get nasty. So I was crying and saying that wasn't fair cos anyone could ring and not leave their number and he would assume the worst. Listen to me, what a victim. Anyone seen matilda with Danny De Vito? I'll paraphrase - "he's big, I'm smaller BUT I'm smart he's dumb, I'm right he's wrong and there's nothing he can do about it!!!" On my own with girlies today so going out for lunch. He will never accept that what i did was not the crime of the century but I just have to keep reminding myself that he was wrong and he cannot not let me have what is rightfully mine in any settlement. I am going to ring someone for advice, but of course, cannot whilst dds are around. I wasn't going to write this all down when I came on to mumsnet last night, but I'm glad i did. Thanks for writing all, Salalex xxx

Salalex - I understand your reasons for not getting the police involved at this stage. Please go to your GP so that your injuries can be noted and this incident is officially recoreded. The other place to go is A&E. That information will not be passed to the police without your consent. However, should anything like this ever happen again then you will need to go to the police and the evidence the GP or hospital has from this incident can be used if needed.

Salalex, I just wanted to add my support to you and to say that nothing justifies abuse - if someone does not like something that another person has said or done then there is always the option to walk away rather than resort to violence.

You have my total support and sympathy for whatever you decide to do and I wish you all the best for the difficult times ahead.

Mears - good idea !

Salalex - can only add my best wishes. Keep strong x

Salalex, just wanted to say I am thinking of you, you do not deserve this and you are not his victim. You are strong and you can get through this. Violence is utterly intolerable and if it has happened once, and your husband doesn't see it as any big deal, it could very well happen again whatever he may say. Take care, love & cyber hugs Winniexxx

Really agree with Mears... go to your GP and get it recorded you really need to be one step ahead of him because unfortunately you never know what anyone is capable of until their back is against a wall and you may need the evidence in the future although you may not think so at the moment.

Salalex. I too cant add anything to all the excellent advice you have been given here. Please bear it all in mind. Just wanted to say I am thinking about you and your dds. Be strong.

salalex, big hugs to you and your dd's - hope you are somewhere safe and that things work out for you. I can only echo all the excellent advice you have already had. Take care and be strong.

Jesus H Christ! What is the world coming to?! You know Salalex, I would tell his mum the whole story because not everyone is as saintly as they make out to be, she may well have made mistakes in her marriage too, and she is more likely to be on your side if you are open and honest with her straight away. I do hope dh doesn't read this, but his mum and dad have been married 50 years, she is a Catholic, goes to Church and can come across quite traditionalist, but it is common knowledge amongst a few people that she has had an affair - you really wouldn't think it if you met her! So every family has their secrets and I wouldn't be surprised if his mum doesn't confess a few to you too.

As for him - well that's just bully behaviour isn't it? Does he think he can justify one crime by revenging it with a worse one? Would he treat his daughters this way? Or allow them to be treated like this by boyfriends? Easy to blame you for everything that's gone wrong, easy to hit you knowing you can't fight back, easy to verbally abuse you - what a bully! Seriously, talk to his mum, she might not like what you have done but she'll like what he has done even less, she is a woman too, would he advocate his father treating his mother like that?

I think you have no other choice but to come clean, or he will do it for you. But no marriage is perfect and I think you will have the sympathy on your side, you didn't have sex with anyone did you? No affairs? Just telephone talk, big deal! I bet loads of people have done that - one night stands, the lot. You sound strong, in spite of what he has done. What you did was not so bad, just keep telling yourself that, it really wasn't. How many wives have come on here complaining that their men visit internet porn sites and chat rooms? You have nothing to be ashamed of, he on the other hand should be hanging his head in shame, instead it sounds like he is actually proud of what he did!

You are so better off without him. I really would consider going to the police, so they can put an injunction on him to stop him from going near you. He may not get sacked, as it would be classed as 'assault' not necessarily a sackable offence at work, and your daughters need not know, unless he told them. They need protecting too, God knows what he is telling them! He needs a shock, to know that he cannot get away with this.

But this is your decision. Please do look after yourself and your children.

Salalex, this is just terrible. A friend of mine has recently been through the same violence thing (and everyone thought they had the best of marriages - appearances are very deceptive).

She was also told to get her injuries recorded by a GP, and to keep a diary of other incidents, such as the name calling, as that can be used, if necessary, as evidence for mental cruelty.

Thinking of you.

Sue

Hi Salalex,
have only just found this thread and wanted to echo the sympathy everyone else has been sending.
As everyone else is saying no matter what you did (and I'm sure it's not that bad) you don't deserve to be beaten and from what you've said it was a beating.
I'm sorry that the police are being they way they are but like you say domestic violence is a political 'hot potato' for them at the moment and they have to be seen to do everything they can. However, in Scotland, and if I remember rightly you are in Scotland, they need corroborated evidence of the assault which they will find very difficult to get if you don't give them a statement (and they can't force you to give a statement) so in reality it would be highly unlikely to go to court.
If you don't want to go to the Police, which I can understand, I would certainly visit a sympathetic GP to at least get details of your injuries noted should you need this in future. I hope to God that you don't but your h sounds like a thorough bully and as I'm sure many a beaten woman will tell you they often promise never to do it again and don't....until the next time.
Good luck anyway. Hope it all goes as well as possible for you.

Salalex just sending you my best wishes and saying that I am thinking of you at an awful time. I think that you are a very brave woman

Zoe

Salalex, I just wanted to give my support to you and your children at this time, you obviously have great strength and will pull through this. Best wishes, Jodee. xx

Rhubarb, I would rather you had said the Fxxxx word than the first two words of your posting, that hurt.

Sorry Jodee, I just didn't know how else to express my revulsion at what this man has done - I only blaspheme when I am really mad, no offence was meant though, as you know from other threads I am a Christian too, albeit a poor one! Sorry!

Thanks Rhubarb, that's okay, and I'm far from a perfect one myself!

salalex- I'm so so sorry to hear about this. What he did was just awful. Please don't feel that his behaviour is mitigated because of about something you did. It's unjustifiable. (Also, I find it unbelievable that he has the temerity to suggest that your daughters deserve better than you- because you did a bit of sexy talking on the telephone when your marriage was shite and effectively over anyway by the sound of it- when he their father has shown himself capable of such vile and ugly actions. Compare and contrast... well, I know who I'd rather have as my parent.) Take good care of yourself- make sure you feel safe and get some proper advice about the divorce. I hope your parents are able to be supportive- do tell them the FULL story, if they're tellable. I know some parents like to wear rose-tinted glasses when it comes to their kids and grandkids but they may well have guessed more than you realise about your unhappiness. I do agree with Winnie and the others that it would be prudent to get his attack on record in some way. All my love.

You re all so kind - thank you. I am going to see my mum and dad tomorrow for one night. My sister will be there 2 with 2 of her children - nearly grown up. She helpfully said she'd rather I didn't "let off steam" in front of the younger one. Oh really, as if i would. Families eh? Her husband died quite suddenly in March, so rather an anus (please let that be the right spelling)horribulus for our family this year. However, i hope they will be supportive although I doubt i will tell them the full story, they being of the rose tinted parental variety ( I love them loads though of course) I am off to see the doctor on Monday - nurse friend said deep tissue bruises take about 4/5 days to come to surface -so there is something on record. Interesting point gillymac about corroborating evidence. We have had a long talk tonight and he is very upset about the possibility of losing touch with the girls in time and for the moment at least, has stopped name calling. I am sure they will be safe with him at his mums and they are very excited about their trip.
I am overwhelmed by your support. I have read the messages lots and will do so again when I get home on Sunday and get myself a plan of action for the week I'm on my own. I know what he did was not justified although it will take him a long time to realise that himself I feel. At least we are now on the road to separation, after which i can look to the future. back on Sunday. thank you thank you thank you Salalex xxxx

Can't add to the good advice you've had here, Salalex, just to say I'm thinking of you too. You mentioned on the Scottish meet-up thread (I love Edinburgh and am an occasional visitor so I was snooping to see which venue you all recommended...) that he was a miserable git about your coming and about Mumsnet, he has clearly used this titchy act of yours to settle some deep-seated scores.
This thread, time-dated as it is, might also be useful corroborative evidence of the disgusting thing he did to you, whether or not you press charges. Good luck at the GPs.