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DH's behaviour not on...

106 replies

pupuce · 02/08/2002 00:03

Salalex - here I am
I can't believe you've just been through this. There is nothing that justifies this sort of treatment... what did he say today ?

OP posts:
pupuce · 02/08/2002 00:34

Salalex - people do not accept his treatment of you as mormal or acceptable.... hope your DDs don't suffer too much - children do pick up on a miserable mummy or daddy...

I am going to bed soon as DS might be up early...

OP posts:
salalex · 02/08/2002 00:35

And I do think the children are safe with him, although I amgald he is going to his mums, who I know dotes on them and will be very loving to them. They don;t yet know we are to split, but wil soon.

mears · 02/08/2002 00:35

Does he know about the valuers coming?

pupuce · 02/08/2002 00:35

... Horruble typo.... I mean PLEASE (not people)

OP posts:
salalex · 02/08/2002 00:36

Well thanks for talking, i do feel a lot better. hope you don't start too early!!

salalex · 02/08/2002 00:37

yes, he knows they are coming!! Hope we get a wad for the house so I can get something decent for me and lovely girlies. Even criticised for wanting to tidy up b4 people look at house. Hey ho!!

pupuce · 02/08/2002 00:37

... me too....
I am sure tomorrow you will get a gazillion messages of support and advice !
Good night and be kind to yourself.
Hugs
Pupuce

OP posts:
salalex · 02/08/2002 00:39

Night night both - and thanks loads.xxx

mears · 02/08/2002 00:40

Was worried there you might get caught up in a nasty fight if he didn't know.
Hope you manage to get your life in order soon. I am sure you will cope as you sound so determined. Best of luck - mears

jasper · 02/08/2002 00:42

Good grief Salalex I have just gatecrashed your conversation with Mears and Pupuce ( yes it's the breastfeeders and shiftworkers!)and am horrified to hear what is happening.
Salalex he sounds like a classic bully. I saw a website recently about this , will try to find it for you.
How are you feeling?

jasper · 02/08/2002 00:45

members.aol.com/spiral2478/abuseq.html

Sorry I can't do the fancy linky thing. Don't know if this is relevant.
Hope you're okay.

Mopsy · 02/08/2002 07:23

Salalex

You've had the kindness and empathy to have given me lots of good advice and support; I wanted to say how sorry I am that things have come to this. I don't feel able to be of much help, but if I think of anything useful I'll let you know asap.

You have not been a slag by any stretch of the imagination, don't let him victimise you. He is furious because like the classic bully he is frantically trying to regain control - of you and of the situation.

I hope you are safe and that you can ask for help if you need to. I am thinking of you and your dd's, with much love. Mopsy xxxx

bossykate · 02/08/2002 07:38

oh salalex!

whatever you have done does not justify his violent behaviour!

i'm sure your solicitor will advise you that the grounds for divorce do not impact the financial settlement - please don't end up settling for less because you're embarrassed about the telephone thing (does not sound like the most heinous thing to me).

he says he will not do it again. hmmm. well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so maybe he could be persuaded to move out until you get things resolved. it would be an awful thing if your dds were to witness a repeat performance - and obviously awful for you too.

I would say:
*See a solicitor immediately and find out the legal position, not just wrt to the assets, but also maybe an injunction against him to force him to leave the house?
*Contact Women's Aid if you are fearful this could happen again
*Consider staying with family or friends

Obvious I know - don't mean to insult your intelligence.

What an awful situation! I know from your previous posts that you have been unhappy for a long time.

Hope you get a speedy resolution to all this.

All the best.

ks · 02/08/2002 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 02/08/2002 08:28

Salalx, echo everyone else: get legal advice. Just another word of caution: you don't think he will claim you abandoned the childen if he's taking them off for 2 weeks do you? Don't want to be alarmist but...so sorry to hear about this, I know you've been unhappy for a long time. Please don't accept this from him, violence is never justified, no matter what. Please don't think it is justified because you are feeling guilty. And if you're sad for posting here so are we all. Lots of sympathy.

WideWebWitch · 02/08/2002 08:28

and reporting it might help if he even thinks about challenging you for the children.

JanZ · 02/08/2002 09:21

"it is a truly heinous crime which has for ever more destroyed his trust in me" - if that is his view, then it just proves that there were already fundamental problems (which I think you would acknowledge). I think he is projecting all his other concerns and fears onto this one "incident" - which, BTW, is just that, an incident, and in its own way, just as symptomatic of the problems in your relationship as your h's reaction.

NOTHING justified violence - and just because you didn't "get a pasting" doesn't negate the fact that it was still brute force. Like the others, I would recomend you get legal advice AT ONCE. The important thing is not to be bullied out of things that you - and your dds - are due.

On a more conciliatory note, you want to try to resolve things to the extent that you can still maintain a cordial relationship for the sake of your dds (and also the shared memory of 15 years of your life!).

Do you get on well with your PILs? Is it worth talking to them so that they understand both sides of the story - that you had been unhappy for a while, plus the fact their son reacted with force? I know it sounds like cliping - but you are also the mother of their grandchildren, so I am sure that they would want to understand the whole picture of something that is going to change their grandaughters' circumstances.

I hope you can make it on the 11th. I'm slightly concerned about the idea of you driving down with h though - especially given his views on Mumsnet!

Girly · 02/08/2002 09:25

How horrible for you, please get some advice and help if you can. Be strong and report him to the police, it may be enough to call his bluff and make him think twice before doing it again. Violence is never acceptable. His nose is severly out of joint because you turned to someone else and is using this as justifaction for hitting you..You are not a slag, no one deserves that title.

peanut · 02/08/2002 09:52

Well how very conveniant for him to be able to blame every thing on you. Please remember that the worse he can make you feel about yourself the better it is for him so do not believe a word of it.

Copper · 02/08/2002 09:53

Salalex
his behaviour is not on. Whatever you did, his reaction shows that he thinks of you as a possession, not as a real person. Stick out for the pension, and don't see yourself as he does - you are a real person with real rights and nobody should be treated like this. Best of luck.

leander · 02/08/2002 09:54

Not really got any advice Salalex but just wanted to let you know im thinking of you ,you are a strong person and will do the right thing ,Dont forget were all here for you so youre not alone.
Leanderxx

tigermoth · 02/08/2002 10:13

Salalex, this is awful. I read this with much sadness. It sounds like your husband saw your 'crime' as the excuse he needed to explode. If it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. I sounds like anything you do, even telling him you are going to clean the house for the valuers, is going to get a s* response.

I am glad for your sake that he is going away for a while. It sounds like you need the mental space to make good decisions. Having a bully at your throat is not condusive to clear thinking. Hope you get lots of advice from the solicitor and anyone else who can help. While I, too have concerns about him possibly trying to say you've abandoned the children, your solicitor should help you through this.

At least your daughters will not be witnessing the visits to the solicitor, valuations of the house and other meetings that could upset them.

I have no experience of this, but I really think you need to get someone - police, solictor, doctor - to look at your injuries and record them asap. I imagine this could be of great importance when divorce proceedings begin.

In our area, hopefully yours, too, you can phone the police and get put through to a section dealing with domestic violence. You do not have to give your name or address, I believe, so you do not have to oficially report the incident. Specially trained officers will advise you on all aspects and can also put you in touch with solicitors who deal in domestic violence and divorce.

I am sure you'll get tons of support here on mumnset - at least with your partner away, you can post when you want to. But, don't like to say this, but does he know your nickname? Is he likely to look on the site - or don't you care?

Thinking of you. Remember - you're strong, he's not. Keep repeating as necesssary.

Batters · 02/08/2002 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinker · 02/08/2002 10:41

Aaah salalex - don't let this man get to your self-confidence by calling you a 'slag' etc - horrible, nasty, undermining words. Don't ever ever listen to these things. He is wrong to hit you. Please reort it to the police even if you decide not to press charges.

oxocube · 02/08/2002 10:53

salalex, its all been said. Lots of love and support to you . Keep strong for yourself and your girls. oxocube xxx