Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

[AlanasMum]

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

Was smacked as a child - me by my mum; my brothers by my father. The punishment was never meted out immediately. We were sent to out rooms to wait for it. It was AWFUL not knowing when it was coming (very cruel). Refusal to go to our rooms or coming out before we'd received it or arguing either added to the number of smacks or the severity of the smack. (I remember my older brother being chased round the house by my father with a belt.) I found it absolutely terrifying.
The worst of it was that since there were 4 of us I was often punished for crimes I hadn't committed. I really remember the injustice of it. My mum was very quick to tell us to go to our room and tell us to wait for our punishment and wouldn't hear any more. Even now I can't speak when I'm angry or upset as a consequence.
Following all that I did say I wouldn't ever smack, but it was a kind of woolly untested notion. About 6 months ago ds1 (then nearly 3) kicked me really hard in the face whilst I was concentrating on making something for him. It was totally unprovoked. I thought we'd been having a nice time. The kick sent my glasses flying and left me with a throbbing headache. On top of that I was about 7 months pg. Without thinking I lashed out with my hand and stopped about an inch from his forehead wondering what the hell I was doing. Ds1 was as stunned as I was. I literally lost control of myself for a split-second and resorted to my own upbringing. Hopefully the shock of that incident will stop me from a repeat performance.

I always found the most effective punishment my parents used was the old 'i'm very dissapointed' routine.
If I thought i had upset my dad it used to make me feel so awful.

I was smacked as a child as I was a stubborn little bhatch.I would get sent to my room etc. but I enjoyed being alone.My parents never beat me they gave me a punishment that meant I understood that what I'd done was unnaceptable.Not every person who smacks is an evil child abusing pig.
I have smacked my own children not in temper but as a warning in some situations such as my ds trying to touch a hot oven/fire or a sharp implement, along with the words "Did that hurt?""yes" well if you do that" whatever it was he was trying to do,"it will hurt much more".Exactly how I was going to make him understand that things hurt otherwise I didn't know. However at 12 he understands and says that some times other things don't work.
I also knew a group of children who never got smacked at all.They were violent out of control to the point of insanity.I even commented to their mother about how disgusted I was about the way they were and I was only a child myself.It makes me angry that I am Now apparently a 'child abuser' for trying to stop my children becoming like that.
One more point,when my children go out they are polite,well mannered and kind.So tell me where is the damage I have done?
I don't often feel angry and by the way I don't like to fight threaten or hurt others.I amd not some sadistic psycho and I am considered a good mum,not perfect(who is?) by those around me.

You smack and then ask whether it hurt?

I think you should change your name to barkingmum

I was always smacked as a child and mostly by my mother. She would only ever use her hand and no other implements but would hit me hard on the legs and always leave a red handprint mark. I hated her for it and have to say I feel that it has tainted our relationship to this day. I have a 3yr old ds and have never smacked him as other things seem to work for him anyway. She says she would never smack him, but if that is true why did she feel it ok to do it to me. Personally I feel that if its not ok to hit out at an adult then its not ok to hit a child either. Thats just my personal experience of it.

greenshoots I suggest you read what I wrote not what you want to read.Misquoting to make a point makes your point a moot one!!!!

"Did that hurt?""yes" well if you do that" whatever it was he was trying to do,"it will hurt much more"

I repeat - you smack, then ask whether it hurt.

Barking.

I'm sorry to those for whom this has brought up such bad memorys

I used a tap on the hand to make the point that certain things cause pain you are now being rude and I think that maybe your rudness is a sign that you do not like to be disagreed with.Try looking for the meaning of what my I said.My son understood and only once even tried again to touch the oven.This was when I knew it had cooled down enough not to cause an injury.He said he wished he had taken warning and when I used this with other hot/sharp things he understood

I dont agree with smacking because i think it signifies a loss of control. A child can lose control because they are still learning, but an adult hitting out is another matter.
I am quite happy to leave my kids with my parents because i know they would never smack them no matter how much they played up.

Of course I knew a tap on the hand would hurt.

No, singingmum, I don't like children being hit. You'll find it's not an uncommon view.

Even more obnoxious than children being hit, is children being hit by someone who then posts a smug and illogical self-justification suffixed by the ubiquitous bleat of "I'm a good mum".

And to smack a child (it's not a tap, it's a smack, and it hurts) and then ask the child whether it hurt is just twisted.

singing mum, doesn't matter if it is right or wrong. It's usually illegal so make sure the chidlren don't report it or someone else doesn't or you could be in trouble.

Ahh but greenshoots you are saying that I and others like me are not good parents like you because we chose to disagree with your parenting choice.As for self-justification I was just making the point that I won't put parents who chose not to smack their childern in the same box as those people I knew as a child if you will agree not to immediately make all parents who smack occasionally in the same box as those bstards who trully abuse.I see that you obv think I am a rotten parent for doing what I did but those that know me think diff.I know we all as parents make mistakes I have made plenty but I do not see smacking one of them.
I could have sworn I have a right to my own opinion as you to yours.

Of course you have a right to your opinion. It's my expressing my opinion that seems to have got you into such a hysterical pickle.

I do think your children - all children, actually - have the right not to be hit. And also that to hit a child and then ask whether it hurt is just twisted bullying behaviour. I certainly couldn't square that behaviour with the phrase "good mum", no. But its just my opinion (this being a public forum and all).

Smacking is only illegal if it leaves a mark.What I did I did to protect my child from a serious injury.If you wish to use the law please use it correctly.I do not abuse my children and am sick of the people on here who have the audacity to decide that only their way is correct.I only came in here to make the point that not all smacks are abuse.A smack in anger is more a form of abuse than a thought out reason for using a lght smack [TAP] on the hand.

A light tap wouldn't hurt though, so it wouldn't have made your point. You make it clear in your post that the answer to the question "Did that hurt" should be "Yes". Which is just awful, really. Poor child.

Neither of mine have ever managed to burn/cut themselves due to my failure to teach them what pain feels like, incidentally

Singingmum if you think your children getting hurt, is a good way to discourage them from doing dangerous things, why don't you just let them touch the hot thing / sharp object or whatever and discover it for themselves? I mean, I wouldn't personally advise this, but at least it would have the advantage of having consequences that naturally follow on from the behaviour.

"A tap on the hand" doesn't hurt, by the way. I think you mean hitting him, don't you?

Sorry, cross posts

Greeny makes the same point about the tap

I was not bullying my child.I was not angry with him I did not get enjoyment or satisfaction from having to do this.I suggest you buy a dictionary and look up what it is to be bullied or a phsychology book to see what it is the bully gets out of their actions.How dare you make such a remark even on a public forum without first trying to understand what has and is being said.Obviously you didn't understand my point so therefore I leave you to slander parents like myself.

Just seen your post franny and zooey.No I don't mean hit in the way it is being made to sound.I tapped hard enough to be felt but not hard enough that he cried or even got upset.I would not do this to a child.

Bullying doesn't imply anger. Quite the reverse in fact. What you did is much more sinister and less understandable than a parent who spiped out in panic/fury and then felt remorseful.

The fact is that you hit your child (not tapped - a tap is painless) and then asked him whether it hurt. What would you have done if he had said "no"?

"controlled hitting" is such an antithesis!

(bl)
n. pl. bul·lies

1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

I think that most people would agree that to hit a small child hard enough to hurt him - and then ask him to make sure he had experienced pain - qualifies as "cruel and overbearing".