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Original poster

Can I have the views of other parents on this situation please

154 replies

thefatfairy · 20/12/2006 12:49

my dd 2.6 was punched deliberately by another child. my dh witnessed this and told the other child off for hitting our daughter. Next thing i know childs mum is shouting at me and dh for telling her child off and saying that we had ruined his day. She was not supervising her child at the time and did not see what happened. We were at an indoor play area, full of other children when she approached me and dh.

OP posts:
sillysausages · 21/12/2006 17:01

ok i have to add i have a child who is a serial bitter, hitter etc - i watch him like a hawk but unfortunately accidents do happen and i do reprimand him BUT the other day DS drove into another child in a toy car I was watching and told him to be gentle and was ready to intervene if the situation worsened, before I knew what had happened the parent took DS by his arm hauled him away and said we don't do that . I said i was dealing with the situ - as i don't like to physically intervene - she had a right go!

pantomimEdam · 21/12/2006 17:07

I think Zoo's already said she's only been to a playgroup sized soft play place where you can, presumably, find the parents of the child who is hitting/biting/whatever fairly easily.

Normal soft play v. diff, little chance of finding or identifying the parents of an aggressive child.

But I'd be happy for someone to tell ds off, reasonably, if he pushed someone over/hit/kicked out of my eyesight. And I'd expect other parents to go along with it if I had to tell their child to stop doing whatever it was.

kittyschristmascrackers · 21/12/2006 18:23

I have had a child go through these nasty phases and I didn't take him to soft play areas while he was doing that because it's not fair on the other children. No matter how vigilant you are the offending child WILL hurt someone else and that's a guarantee and that's not fair on the other children.

Original poster
thefatfairy · 21/12/2006 18:44

zookeeper - when i started this thread i was after people opinions, i wanted a wider view on the situation and that it was you offered. I didn't expect everyone to have the same view as me and dh, although there general idea seems to be that most people would have reacted the same.

OP posts:
poinsettydog · 21/12/2006 23:21

Unfortunately sometimes when there is a majority opinion, it can be seen as acceptable to pick on the minority voice.

Totally irrelevant that most people on this small thread agree with you.

kittyschristmascrackers · 21/12/2006 23:31

Shouln't think it's irrelevant to thefatfairy otherwise she wouldn't have started it in the first place !!

poinsettydog · 21/12/2006 23:34

The issue isn't irrelevant. The fact that zookeeper - or anyone - is in the minority on a mn discussion is irrelevant.

Original poster
thefatfairy · 22/12/2006 07:48

I have already said that I was after other peoples opinions on the situation to see what others would have done, and that is exactly what zookeeper has done. If I was going to listen to others opinions i would not have posted in the first place.

OP posts:
HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas · 22/12/2006 08:06

sillysausages, i think you show remarkable restraint! physically disciplining another child is going WAY to far.

god I would be fantasising about freak bus accidents and so on if someone did that to my kid!

kittyschristmascrackers · 22/12/2006 09:23

Poinsettydog, I have to disagree with you. If the op is looking to validate or otherwise her dh's actions then it is very relevant to her who says what here. If the vast majority are supportive of her cause then that makes her feel better. This is one of the reasons why people post on MN, to get suppport and advice. I hope Thefatfairy feels reassured by the majority of supportive posts here

hulababy · 22/12/2006 09:31

I think,m from hat you hve said, that your DH was right. I have spoken to other children before to tell them not to hit, smack, etc. if I have witnessed it. I have been known to say this to a child even when myown child isn't the victim. There is no way I'd stand there and watch another child, expecially an older one, victimise another little one and let him/her just et away with it. I don't shout and I don't intimidate. I do say quite sternly not to do it and that it isn't a nice way to play. I also ask where their parents are.

I agree that you can't watch your child the whole time, especially when they are older. But with that accpetance I believe you have to accept that others may see your child do something they shouldn't. So long as the adult dishing out the warning/rebuke does so in a polite, calm way there is no problem. We are lucky as DD has never been a hitter/kicker at all. But if she was this type of rebuke would not bother me at all. Better for the rubke to come at the immediate time of the incident IMO than later on by someone who didn't see it.

If people don't want their child to be told, then yes, they should be watching their child the whole time.

Caroligula · 22/12/2006 09:44

Absolutely Hula. I accept the fact that I don't have eyes in the back of my head and might take my eyes off my kids for two seconds and therefore my kid might be caught misbehaving by someone else.

If that someone else came to me to sort it out, tbh I'd think s/he was an incompetent adult. Unless the responsible adult for a child is very obviously right there, all adults should be able to take a tiny bit of responsbility for all behaviour in a communal area. I'm not being expected to choose the kid's school, just to give external re-inforcement to boundaries that I presume his or her parents are already giving him or her at home. It's called being part of society, imo, rather than just lonely atomised individuals.

hulababy · 22/12/2006 09:46

I think this country could do with a bit more community parenting TBH!

PickleAndPudding · 22/12/2006 10:02

Unfortunately Blossom it seems to work the other way in the soft play centres near us - big kids crashing in on the baby area and playing roughly. Never know whether I should ask them to leave. Needless to say, their parents are off swigging coffee (lucky swines ).

CurlyN · 22/12/2006 11:22

As a mum of 2 big ds, both appear to be 2 years older than they are. We always have problems at soft play and also toddler groups. I have found because i watch like a hawk, i see all sorts, normally another child, or even group of children will be aggresive towards one of mine, I have taught them to walk away from aggression, I don't normally say anything, and like to watch how my boys handle the situation. Quite often, they have stood up for each other, and one will steam into the main troublemaker, I guess like us they can only take so much, and being under five, do tend to forget, the walk away process. So who ends up the one being mouthed of to.. and i take it.

poinsettydog · 22/12/2006 12:34

For crying out loud. Big soft play centres are full of nutters as well as non-nutters. They are very physical places. If it's such an unpredictable unenjoyable experience, I'm surprised so many people go.

And yes you're right, kitty. If validation by a handful of mners helps at all, seek it.

Caroligula · 22/12/2006 14:54

poinsetty - it's precisely because they're so awful and full of nutters that I don't go. There are some htings I just can't put myself through.

divamumdiva · 22/12/2006 17:12

i didnt read other posts, but similar things happened to me and dd before. i take dd 20m to ballpool every week. other day older kid thrown ball to her face, and i just said them no. i know lots of people here hate their children been told no by stranger. i dont understand that. if the child is doing naughthy why not. the kid is not allowed to throw ball to toddlers face. sometimes they just push dd off the way if she is trying to go throw tunnel or crawl thru. honestly i hate those mums bring their kids to places like that and sit and read celeb magazine. i understand it can be hardwork to entertain older toddlers or young kids, but they are there to supervise them and look after them. sometimes they are too busy gossiping. luckily i havent had one had go at me. but i always try to choose quite time, early mornings or tots time. always avoid after school hours, as the noise drives me crazy. certainly no personal comment to others.

7swansaswimmingup · 22/12/2006 19:32

my mum took my neices/nephews to a playcentre today and a boy about 3 she said jumped ontop of my nephew, just 2 and landed on his head! she told the boy to be careful (didnt shout i wouldnt have thought)

she said there was loads of mums sitting round with their heads in books

munz · 22/12/2006 19:46

i'm dreading a 'real' soft play area, our toy's at tots can be bad enough, I don't think your DH did anything I wouldn't have done.

in fact a little boy ramed (and I don't men glided or what ever, I mean full plet rammed) into my friends DD who was in a moby car (the girl was as was the boy) my 10 month old was also being push around in a car by me, so I said to the boy 'aww that's not v nice is it, we don't do that' we all carried on (the mother was sat with her friends gossipping) anyhow the boy then proceesed to try to do it again this time to my DS - at that point I took DS away from the situation and again said 'aww that's not a nice play is it' (prob a bit babyish in the way I spoke to him) but tbh i'd rather have a safe play and a mother upset with me than a child injuried and friends with a mum iycwim.

also I have no probs with anyone saying to J 'no' or that's not very nice poppet or soemthing to that nature - esp if he's not playing nicely (tbh he's learning so it's not an issue yet) and I watch him all the time anyways. but I would have a prob if someone was really rude and shouted at him esp if they didn't know the full story. iycwim.

sillysausages · 22/12/2006 20:23

this may be a bit controversial but my ds has been told by another parent that throwing balls in a ball pit is naughty - what is wrong with throwing balls in a ball pit>

hulababy · 22/12/2006 20:37

Re the balls, suppose it depends how the throwing is being done, if the ball pit is busy and other children are getting hit, etc. The balls aren't actually in there to be thrown as such and I know the soft play I have been too has signs up to say no throwing.

handlemecarefully · 22/12/2006 20:43

zookeeper - ummm so you've got a bit of heat. Well, if you dish it....i.e:

"true - I've only ever been to a playgroup-sized one which is full of prissy women judging mothers on their kids' behaviour (think mumofhelen)"

you gotta be able to take it!

Excellent post Greensleeves....

I do however agree with zookeeper that it is preferable (but not essential) to approach the other parent, but if it isn't clear who the parent or carer is there is nothing wrong with a bit of 'community parenting'

jenkel · 22/12/2006 21:05

I would tell a child off if I seen them hitting my child and a parent or carer hadnt steped in. I would expect somebody to do it to my children though that is unlikely as I do watch them like a hawk.

nothercules · 22/12/2006 21:18

I dont like children throwing balls at other kids and the places I've been too usually have signs to say not to. I've told kids not to throw them at my kids and would certainly never let mine do so.

After reading this thread I am never ever going to another again.