Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
www.theorangerhino.com
www.ahaparenting.com
www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

YY a million times Y to feeling like you should be in credit. I sometimes want to say to DS1: don't you know how lucky you are that I have made this a game instead of just demanding from you? Now bloody join in!" or "Other mums wouldn't allow you to do x,y, or z in the name of development." To which he might justifiably reply that he'd rather not do x,y,z or have games instead of demands if it meant I didn't shout at him first thing in the morning for no reason he can discern.

I was really struck by a post of Bertie's on another thread in which she spoke about gentle parenting books actually being useful for people who's default is to be more authoritarian, and also said that sometimes we need to draw the line earlier than we would naturally so that even if the DC cross that line we are still in our comfort/safety zones.

It has made me think about my default parenting style, and where I can draw lines in order to stop me blowing my top when the DC push boundaries. I still want to be gentle, but I think I sometimes need to be strict in order to preserve my ability to be gentle

Moresnow your response to that situation sounds totally normal - running to a road really needs a firm response, and I agree the accident was likely just part of toilet training, they all seem to struggle when getting ill.

I also agree you're doing amazingly given your health. Are you taking every shortcut you can with regards to simple meals etc to reduce other stressors at the moment? That's all I can think of to add on top of other suggestions.

Oh, and thanks to those suggesting gro clock etc. We do have one: it works in so far as DS1 knows he has to stay in his room and play quietly until the sun comes up - he still needs one of us with him but usually we just lie on the spare bed and try to let him get on with it.

The early waking is not too often these days - he went through a few months last year where it was 5-5.30 daily; we tried all sorts and in the end just got through it by getting up alternating the days we got up with him so at least one of us had some sleep. Now he usually wakes around 6 which is ok, and if he wakes at 5 I can often get him to doze at least. But that sinking feeling when he potters into our room wide awake and you know the day has begun pre 5.30. Oh well, the days are long but the years are short, as my Dad says of parenting young children...

Very interesting points, Hazy. Definitely worth considering, I think, that being stricter could lead to fewer top-blowing incidents.

Sometimes, though, it just feels so inevitable: I'm a bit 'off' and it's like DD can sense it and she just pushes and pushes as if she's just wanting to confirm that yes, I will eventually lose it. I know it as it's happening but I can't seem to turn it around.

moresnow I've also been told that potty training can struggle when they are ill partly due to little bladders being rather like middle aged women's bladders...

I take them upstairs and get them both naked. This takes about 20 minutes and mainly involves DD running about excitedly screaming like a banshee and DS rolling off his mat and across the floor putting everything he finds in his mouth.

Then I try and brush DD's teeth with varying degrees of success. Sometimes she's very compliant, sometimes she wants to do it herself, sometimes there are rather more extended negotiations.

I bathe them both together, with DS in a little chair thing so I don't need to hold him up, then get DS dressed in the bathroom while chatting to DD. Then I get DD out and bundle them both into DD's room. I get her into her PJs while DS is wriggling about on the floor getting agitated because he's hungry then she chooses a couple of stories.

Then I read stories to DD in bed while feeding DS. I used to try and bf him but he would either be really wriggly and uncomfortable or start nodding off then get cross because me talking/moving woke him, so we do a bottle. Then I do DD's gro clock, give her a cuddle and tuck her in and take DS to his room for a bf and put him down.

Sounds quite simple written down but it takes a good hour!

Sorry SLW but that is considered spamming and I have reported it. You can make a request for a survey thread in the appropriate section, just take five seconds to read over the topic list.

Hi wondering if I can pop in.

Ds 4 - 5 midish June, likely high functioning autism has just started talking. He's saying more new words and talking in partial sentences, can still be hard to understand I'm very proud and so happy but his behaviour has taken a drastic turn for the worse.

He is now rude, defiant, argumentative, short tempered, more tearful and generally more unreasonable about everything.

I'm just wondering if this is a developmental phase he's now hitting that he's previously missed or if he's trying more boundary testing now he has language.

I'm finding it hard to manage and to control my temper, I don't want to argue, explain, reason and justify everything to a 4 year old. Today I asked him to please not stand on a chair as it was dangerous and he could fall, he shouted back he just wanted daddy and I said I know honey but he's working thankyou for getting of the chair ds response bad mammy chop mummy's head off. So onto the cool down mat. It's been on and off like this for the last few weeks.

Other things like you can watch one programme before teeth clean, then it's story and bed. Ds argues no two more and sticks two fingers into my face, I'm like no I said one and that's enough, let's clean teeth please. Usually ends up with the cool down mat again.

I just feel a bit useless.

Hey everyone sounds like things are busy and challenging all round! It also sounds as of you are all actually doing an amazing job however it might feel.

MoreSnow our bedtime routine is similar ish to mummybare's. I've got DS 23 months and DD 5 months. I feed DD after the bedtime routine not during so I HAVE to get DS down to bed - DD always starving! It's not an ideal set up as he climbed / fell out of his cot and so he's now free to roam in his room. I flick the fuse switch for the upstairs lights otherwise he keeps turning his light on and off and he'll keep playing for ages. This is not popular with DS. Or at least it wasn't but now he's getting used to it. He's also getting used to me just leaving him there when I go off and feed DD. It's not ideal but I personally can't figure out how to do otherwise. We had a really clingy phase which was terribly difficult. I'd basically have both of them screaming for ever as I alternated between them. But things are much calmer now. I suppose I just decided what I had to do and went with it. Bloody minded :/ I don't suppose that's really terrifically helpful as I'm saying I just leave DS and you've specifically said that's what you can't do. Sorry.

Hi Foxy welcome! I'm afraid I have no advice (as you will see is usually the way with me!) but there is so much wisdom on this thread and also so many reassuring tales...

Nothing too remarkable here this weekend, luckily (following a week in which I was definitely horrible through sleep deprivation). Though I WAS that mother whose child bit another one at a birthday party this afternoon :/ which followed a fun attempt at lunchtime nap time with DS demonstrating that he had grown and could now reach the sudocrem... Cue one room and all our clothes (we have storage issues) ALL covered in sudocrem. And you know what? Apparently sudocrem doesn't wash out that well. Especially not from black jeans. :)

And meant to say Foxy that I bet you're actually doing an amazing job. It sounds so frustrating and DS sounds very challenging but it also sounds as if you are working so hard with him. I bet you're awesome :)

DD will be 3 in May, MoreSnow. Do you just have to be in the room with DC1 or do you have to do stuff (cuddling, patting etc.)? Or can you get away with just feeding DC2 quietly and sneaking out when they're both hopefully asleep?

Happy Mother's Day all x

Welcome foxy :) You don't sound at all useless, if it's any consolation.

TooTired sudocrem is a bugger, the tiniest bit gets absolutely everywhere.

Bertie thanks for reporting. Have you had a good day? Do you celebrate British Mother's Day now you're over there?

mummybare it always amazes me how long the bedtime routine takes with two!

LetsGo how's the dog?! Are your DDs excited?

oooooohhhhh it's been a tough one today. DS has been on his alternate universe for lots of the day. Lost in imaginary play at best, glazed and on another planet at times and trying to communicate with him has been REALLY hard work. Honestly, he's a complete space cadet sometimes, it's like I'm talking in a bubble and the words just dissolve before they reach him. It's really obvious that he's not ignoring me - he just doesn't register that I'm talking to him or take in the actual words.

This has meant that getting him to do anything was immensely frustrating and his homework (which was much too hard for him anyway) was a complete nightmare.

He's also been on the edge of insane hyperactivity and when I tried to burn some of this off before lunch with some chasing and physical games it had completely the opposite effect and I practically had to scrape him off the ceiling.

DD has some kind of snotty viral thing going on and has been super tired and grumpy and we've all been up in the night.

And now I have to do the ironing

On the positive side, I had beautiful cards from them both this morning, and DS had written in his with the most beautiful writing I've ever seen from him, I was so proud. He brought me toast in bed, he ate half of it, the crumbs were totally worth it because he was so cute and excited. DD sang happy birthday

Haha, DD kept saying 'Happy birthday everybody!' too!

Then when I told her it was Mother's Day, she said 'I want it to be Little Girl's Day!' She was not impressed when I replied that every day is Little Girl's Day...

Ha that's the truth!

at the Happy Birthdays. Since it has just been my DS1's birthday he followed up giving me a present (bought by DH of course) by asking me if there was one for him.

Moresnow would there be anyway you could lie down with them both and then transfer them to appropriate beds? Maybe on the floor in DS1's room? Oh, but I just re-read and DS2 doesn't settle with DS1. Hmm.

Our routine mainly consists of me jiggling DS2/waving toys at him in his bouncer/keeping him going until I get DS1 into bed and then I lie on the floor of DS1's room feeding DS2 to sleep and holding DS1's hand/talking to him if he's still in 'share the day' mode/ stroking him etc. Once DS1 is asleep I carry him out to his cot in our room.

Would DS1 accept you being right by him on floor and DS2 stay quiet enough with a bottle/cuddle to let DS1 fall asleep before taking DS2 out to put him to sleep?

Hmm, tried to post earlier, but phone was playing up.

Monkey DS2 was totally wired and hyper this evening, and really cheeky with it too. Maybe there's something in the air! We wondered if it was actually that he was really tired...?! There's something in the Spirited Child book about how you can't wear really active children out, and it only revs them up all the more. She recommends soothing sensory activities, water play (or having a bath or shower for older ones) etc. instead.

I'm sure they're not abnormal MoreSnow - lots of kids need a bit of help to settle. And in any case, comparing with others isn't helpful unless there are things you can apply to your own situation. After all, you have to work with the kids you have (who, fwiw, sound gorgeous and sparky and like they have a great relationship) and try and find a routine that will work for your family.

Anyway, I do hope my previous posts haven't made you feel worse.

blue it's not a full moon, is it?! I could've done with you around earlier, a bath would have been just the thing for DS this morning. Must remember that for next time. When I was really reeeally pg with DD and just not up for massive park runs, me and DS used to spend all morning playing spacemen in the bath. I'd forgotten about that, it was lovely.

moresnow anyone who says they take kids of that age to bed and they just settle is lying. Or has abnormally compliant children. Or is not adverse to a fair bit of crying. Or is exceptionally lucky. It is definitely not the norm. Your plan sounds great.

Lullabies helped DS settle. Then he grew out of those but got scared and would fall asleep in our bed and we'd move him across. I'm going to try an audio book with DD because she's at an awkward stage with napping and if she drops off too late in the day, it takes her a while to settle at night.

Mummybare I think your posts sound very grounded

just to be clear... My last post was a x-post - mummybare I hope it doesn't sound as if my second paragraph applies to you!! I read your posts as empathising with the bedtime madness and sharing what's currently working for you, but it reads back a bit oddly when after your last post

Hi. Just joining in with the general "when bedtimes go bad" theme. My DD3 also did anything she could other than just go to bed last night. I was getting cross as I wanted to just sit down and watch Poldark.
Today, surprise surprise, the school sent her home poorly (what was I saying a few posts ago about takeaways?)
Tonight I nearly fell into the washing basket in shock. I said to DD3, who had come down after her bath in her short pjs and vest top 'come on you got cold last night wandering around after your bath in your pjs ....'
she replied "good point mum, I'll go and put my dressing gown on" !

However five minutes later she reappeared, no dressing gown, hotly pursued by DD2 who she had been tormenting by tapping on her door and singing "do you wanna build a snowman?"
......behaviour perfectly designed to wind up a pre menstrual 14 year old with a deep dislike of Disney.
Back to school tomorrow for her
I hope everyone had a nice Mother's Day
to you all!