Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
www.theorangerhino.com
www.ahaparenting.com
www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

Hello everyone.

Glad to see we're all still hanging in there...just! Today my dts turned 3. THREE!! They have had a lovely day but dt1 still won't go to sleep which is getting past funny. I am disappointed because we are back to how bedtimes with him were pre sleep consultant. I need to try and get back on that wagon. Anyway...

3 is very challenging and I'm finding 4 not much different if not worse as my expectations went up but behaviour did not.

letsgo your dog sounds fabulous. What a star to be settling in so well. No accidents and you sound happy. Watch out- I'm getting the dog envy again!

Anyway, I have been failing a bit lot on my pause before snapping challenge. I am going to have to put some post it notes around I think to remind me. Starting it properly tomorrow.

Many happy returns to your DTs Dreaming

Happy birthday to dreaming's DTs!!
a piece each, and one for big sis

Happy Easter all. At my parents',which has been good in parts and interesting in others. Mum has taken the boys to the park, so for the moment, peace reigns. Yesterday we went to the beach and i was enjoying myself so more relaxed and less shouty than normal, but DH was more tense and more wound up than usual. Found it interesting in what it showed about underlying mood affecting things.

Anyway, happy birthday to the Dreaming twins, and all round.

Happy Easter everyone and Happy Birthday to dreaming's DTs!

I'm wiped out at the moment but have been nodding along as usual to everybody else's posts.

Will reply properly as soon as a few brain cells regenerate x

Happy Birthday Dreaming Twins!

And Happy Easter to all of you, hope you had a nice day.

So my goals - not doing brilliantly at counting to three but doing ok at noticing negative thoughts and challenging them or accepting them but not dwelling. For eg if DS1 isn't listening or co-operating as I try to get out the door I have been able to remind myself its just because he's 3 and not because he's deliberately annoying and/or I have parented him badly.

The giggling thing was a deliberate high target, partly to remind me to trya nd have fun with him by actually playing when I can instead of fretting about housework or other projects. I have managed to make him giggle with some new physical games and pretend play, which I think helps both of us.

Yes I think I do need to up the sleep I get; and I was aneamic after DS2's birth (had a bad PPH which was borderline needing a blood transfusion) and am very bad at taking my iron tablets cos they play havoc with my stomach. So I have bought some natural iron supplement to take on the days when I can't face an iron tablet. Also did my nails. Trying to do some self care to raise my mood and esteem. I had some CBT after DS2's birth bc I was fixating on it and also the anger management, but DH thinks I do need to go back to GP and ask for counselling. I am avoifing this as actually I think dwelling on things makes it worse at the moment. Churns it up and makes me maudlin. One day I might face up to the issues I have but for now am trying to use the CBT tactics to manage it. Having said that am slowly reading buttons and plan to do the exercises at the end so that may dredge things up which I'll need to face.

letsgo your dog sounds great, DS1 asked for a dog the other day - but I've never had a pet and his dad is a Cat Person so I had to gently tell him it was unlikely...

Well done on restraining the criticism bertie, so hard to get that balance between a united front but individual styles of parenting.

Right, kids in bed and since Sunday is a day of rest and this one especially, no chores for me but and crappy TV.

Hazy. You sound like you have your head screwed on right tonight. CBT can be very effective if it works for you that's great.
Yuk iron tablets. I only have to open the lid and sniff the tub and my bowels turn to stone (sorry, TMI ) make sure you are not having tea or coffee at the same time as eating. Get plenty of brassicas in your diet (purple sprouting broccoli is in season! ) take your iron tabs or supplement with orange juice (the vit c helps it be absorbed) proper cocoa powder also contains iron. So hot choc at bedtime made the old fashioned way will also bring things up. How old is DS2? Your anaemia may well be resolved now if it is a couple of months since the blood loss. The body is very good at fixing temp blood loss but it does need the right ingredients to do it. So yes, look after yourself. Eat and sleep. And get your nails done

Marking my place

I tried to type this yesterday but the Ipad is not my friend.

We are noticing that Three is very much a work in progress. And it does include some much better things but especially when we add in Crawling (or as DS has it, Clawing) it includes a lot of challenges.

DS has been struggling a little with being home with DH while I am back at work, with the excitement of a visitor over the weekend, etc., but in general some of our previous flashpoints (bedtime, night time nappy, teeth brushing, and even to some extent walking in the street) are becoming much, much easier. We've had a little backsliding on early waking but we have a plan for that (set gro clock much earlier, lots of praise for being quiet before it comes on) but it didn't quite work this morning (need to sit down with DH and agree all elements of the plan)

However we are really, really struggling with shouting and in particular roaring. It tends to happen when one of us raises our voice (yes, yes I know we shouldn't but it's really hard not to occasionally), when DD cries (I'm not sure if that's because DS is frustrated and behaving like a very very young parent who can't control themselves when a baby cries, or if he thinks he's telling her off, which is kind of what he's doing when we shout, or if he thinks it will calm her down in some bizarre way), or just randomly when he thinks it's fun.

We generally respond to it in one of a number of ways (which is probably part of the problem). If it's us that was shouting, we do try to calm ourselves, say "no, Mummy and Daddy shouldn't shout, let's all be quiet". If it's clearly upsetting DD we try to remove HER from the situation, say "poor DD" etc. etc. while ignoring DS' behaviour. However, that's often not possible e.g. if she's strapped into her high chair. We also try and remove DS from the situation as we would for e.g. hitting or throwing. DH tends to sit with him and firstly show him how to count to calm down and then get him to count to five calmly. However, he starts to see this as a game after a while; when throwing things was a big issue (it isn't as much now) he would throw something deliberately and then come over to sit with us and count and then repeat...

I've tried to do a more lengthy "time in" or "time semi-out" with him either on my lap (which leads to kicking and shouting and "no hold me") or in his room but sitting just outside with the stairgate closed (he is calmer in this situation but it's rarely practical especially with a now mobile DD who is also trying to climb out of the high chair).

I feel like some things we can ignore and DH seems to manage to ignore hitting (hitting him that is rather than DD) but given that DD reacts, this is hard to ignore.

We do try very hard to praise for being quiet e.g. sitting at the table talking normally or being quiet rather than roaring gets lots of praise for sitting nicely/quietly/having a nice quiet conversation. But reminding him that he's being quiet can often lead to roaring!

Hi dr spouse
Glad to hear about improvements. Keep at it with the descriptive praise, it is the way to go.
Sorry to be brief. Time to think about a meal again here. will try and prise DDs away from their screens and get some help..........
Dog still lovely! keeping me busy

On the iPad again so v brief - no real progress on the roaring but he's been much quieter when waking early.

Try looking up strategies for shrieking - I'm sure roaring is as common as shrieking but shrieking is easier to google :) Also with the thing where he misbehaves to get to do the counting, could you say to him "Do you like counting DS? Did you know, we can do counting any time you like. You don't have to throw something. You can just ask."

Also check out this which was an utterly brilliant article by Aha Parenting about a conflict between a four and two year old: Article

I'm defo going to do a task/challenge this weekend but here's a mini one to think over/discuss if anyone is interested.

We're all on this thread because we feel like our parenting could improve. So which way are your scales tipped at the moment? Do you think you are naturally too laid back, leading the DC to walk all over you, or leading to situations which are then totally out of control, frightening or overwhelming? Or are you naturally too reactionary, leading to battles all the time, control issues, and grumpy kids?

Can you share some of the ways it manifests for you, or how it affects your parenting negatively? I think it would be interesting to gain a sort of "cloud" of common issues for each direction and maybe we can brainstorm some solutions or strategies? Or things we've found which help us directly. But let's just share the challenges first. Of course you can copy someone else's if you agree with them.

My answer: I think I lean towards too laid back and it manifests in these ways for me:

• I don't naturally step in to a situation until it's really crossed a line, and then tend to panic or overreact rather than being able to deal with it calmly.
• I struggle to find, set and uphold reasonable boundaries. Sometimes I don't really know where the boundary should be, and sometimes I just feel really helpless to stop DS crossing it.
• I'm more likely to let something go than jump on it even when I really should deal with it.
• If I've given a delayed consequence or too-big threat, it's really hard to follow through on it later. Sometimes I have even dropped it, secretly hoping they have forgotten so it doesn't matter. (Of course this never really works well!)
• I tend to swing between super nice super reasonable happy calm "perfect" parent and screaming banshee with little or no warning. (This is getting much better but is still true)
• I tend to feel guilty when I have told off or punished DS, even when the consequence was fair. Sometimes I end up apologising about it.

I think that's all. I'll add more if I think of them later.

Oh, I'm totally uptight, control freak! Perfectionist tendencies too, which manifest in reading parenting books, and then getting down on myself because I can't be a perfect parent with perfect children! I intervene too soon, and spend too much time micromanaging. My default response is "no!" and then afterwards I think that something was probably actually quite reasonable, but don't want to back down. I overreact to everything, and then feel guilty about it, and despair.

Things have been tricky this week because I work from home and am super busy, which is hard with the boys around. It's all right if they'll play together, but they come up every 5 mins with some minor issue and then I snap at them, or I go roaring downstairs every 10 minutes because someone's crying, or hitting, or thumping and I can't concentrate...

I'm also definitely on the control freak end of the scale! I get bored of the sound of my own voice as sometimes it feels like I'm just nitpicking and micromanaging every last little thing with DS. it's worse when we're with other people, particularly DM (who will admit she was a total control freak with me) or other children who are more temperamentally placid than my DS - he's great but very energetic and curious, and like a PP said (hazy I think) I come down particularly hard on behaviours that I worry others will perceive as brattish or overbearing. Then afterwards I just think he was just being energetic and exuberant, and why did I need to start that battle-for other people's benefit, but at his expense.

I realise too that I often have a palpable sense of trepidation about DS's behaviour, feeling worried about how he will be and feeling responsible for managing it, even when we're with the wider family - which all comes back to me feeling that I need to control everything.

Hello can I join please

I'm a single parent with 3 DDs and feel like I'm swimming through treacle with trying to parent them. I shout too much and give punishments for bad behaviour but then forget and let them do what I said they couldn't

DD1 is 13. She has the typical teenage attitude with a big dollop of eye rolling. She has quite regularly stolen money from me and I now cannot have any in my purse. I have told her that I will pay her to do jobs around the house but she hasn't really done any. She has been going through CAMHS after being referred by primary school but they don't appear to think anything is wrong. She has seen a speech and language therapist who says her processing is the lower end of average but the school have told her that DD1s other cognitive skills are also low so that isn't being taken any further. She also breaks everything she is given, and things that belong to her sisters. I find myself getting very frustrated with DD1 and hard to cope with.

DD1 is 6. She has always been quite hard work. She gets quite angry and shouts a lot especially at her younger sister when she thinks she is doing something wrong. She hits out at DD1 and DD2 quite a lot but occasionally me as well. When I try and talk to her about things she puts her hands over her ears and refuses to listen to me. She goes through phases where she will eat quite a lot then go through a period where she does eat much at all. She complains about tummy ache most days and headaches quite often. Of the 3 she is the most affectionate.

DD3 is 4. She is fairly well behaved. She is very accident prone as she is constantly running, jumping and climbing. Behaviour wise she isn't too bad really. She gets grumpy but can be talked around.

All 3 of them take forever to do anything I ask. Even getting ready to leave the house for something fun. They never pick up after themselves unless I keep on at them. I am hoping to move later this year and will be a 2 hour drive away from my parents so I'm really hoping to get this at least a little better by then.

Thanks for reading and sorry its turned into an essay. I haven't read all of the thread or the others but will try and do it throughout the day.

Welcome Dragons! No experience of your specific issues, but I'm sure someone more useful will be along soon

Another ridiculously busy day in a ridiculously busy month here, but just wanted to say that I'm still checking periodically and finding the thread really interesting and encouraging.

Bertie, I am just like you, particularly when you say "I tend to swing between super nice super reasonable happy calm "perfect" parent and screaming banshee with little or no warning." This is EXACTLY what I do. I need to work on finding strategies for this.

Sleep deprivation and lack of downtime are really not my friend. I have days when everything seems great and easy and I just can't imagine why I would lose it at my wonderful, still very small, children. And then I'll have a bad night or be super-busy for a few days in a row and it's like my brain gets full and cloudy and everything feels wrong and overwhelming and no one around me can do a thing right and I just need to get away but I can't. So I rant and whinge and shout, then feel awful, quite often cry and apologise... It must be so confusing for a poor 3-year-old who wasn't really doing much wrong in the first place.

Arrrgh! I need to find some patience/calmness from somewhere. Off to a yoga class this afternoon so hopefully that will zen me out a bit.

Belated happy Easters, birthdays and anything else you lot have been celebrating. for you all!

I think it doesn't help that I have fallen into a bit of a rut. DD2 asked me to play with her yesterday and said I never do which made me feel

I seem to spend all my time on my laptop or phone. The girls hate it and nothing gets done!

I also do the calm then shouting then realising that actually I have blown it out of proportion. I think DD2 shouts as she is copying my behaviour and listening to her makes me feel ashamed.

mummybare I remember when DD2 was 3! She would have tested the patience of a saint!

Can I say hello?!
I'm parenting what feels like an exceptionally strong willed nearly 3 year old and a 3 month old. I feel like I need some more tricks up my sleeve as it is a massive struggle to get the older one to do anything. Everything is a negotiation and I feel like I spend the whole day counting to 3, making threats or bribing him. And that's before we've left the house. He is, to his credit, hardly ever naughty. But he takes an age to do anything I've asked him to do and will always make excuses or refuse to do things. He has some epic tantrums, sometimes in public, which is so difficult and sometimes I just have no idea what to do and end up ringing DH at work to ask him to deal with it . I don't shout, but I feel I could be more patient, less harsh and more understanding. He's very bright and has started using some of my own techniques against me, which doesn't feel quite right, eg he will say "I would like you to push me on the swing 2 times then I will come in". I don't feel like threats are a good idea in the long run but I'm at a loss as to what else will work. I'd massively appreciate any book recommendations or advice from others in a similar position.

lebucken, that is our household, but about 7 months on...

Tantrums I am OK with, I just stand by and ignore and play on my phone

My DS usually says "Five more minutes" or "Last one!" and we let him sometimes, and don't other times, but I think that teaches him that sometimes he can ask for something nicely (which he generally does) and get it, but other times it's not possible.

I am trying very very hard to totally ignore roaring and then say "oh how nice and quiet it is" when he stops. He hit DD (think she had a toy, or perhaps he grabbed it really roughly, she fell over and cried anyway), and we cuddled her and asked him if he could go out for a minute and calm down and he did and when he came back in we were all better! So that's one strategy. And maybe I should model that myself too... Sounds mad but it worked!

We also do quite a bit of "let's start that again and try it properly" and managed a walk all the way into town and back with only one "let's try crossing the road again, start by waiting for Mummy". AND rode all the way to the CM on the buggy board which has been an issue.

(Didn't get very far with the googling I'm afraid as it seems to be equating shrieking with screaming, and screaming can be very different - I know just what you mean about shrieking as my friend's DS has a hearing difficulty and shrieks a lot and I think it's because he likes that sensation just as our DS likes the sensation of roaring. Googling roaring just led to loads of smug parents who said "I just told him to stop and he did").

Bertie sorry but that Aha Parenting article just made me laugh! There's no way my 3yo would sit still for such a long boring talk, let alone a 2 year old, he wouldn't understand the questions or remember what had happened or what he felt!

He doesn't remember (or says he doesn't remember) what happened 2 seconds ago, and he tends not to want to tell us how he felt, though occasionally he will agree to a multiple choice answer (did you hit her or did she hit you? did you feel happy or sad?). I know it says "this is the long version" but we've had no luck with even a micro version.

Very much behaviour and more behaviour here, I'm afraid!

Oh Sorry. I found it rang more true for me than most of their other articles, because it did talk about the child getting bored and how to handle that. I thought it was quite good on talking about how the older one might be upset/not know what to do when the younger one cries but I only have one so not based on experience. I'll bow out and let the experienced sibling wranglers come in!

MoreSnowPlease, you're right it's good to be able to negotiate. It was more that hearing him doing it made me realise how every detail of our life is a negotiation or bargaining and maybe I should be trying something else!

DrSpouse, I'll give starting again and trying properly a try. That sounds like a good one and something ds would respond well to. Unfortunately ignoring tantrums doesn't work for me. They tend to go on and on and ds will not often not give in over the original trigger. So if this is something non negotiable (like he wanted to cross the road in an unsafe place, or I chopped up his sausage and there's no more sausage ) it's really hard to move on. The last one like this lasted 2 hours, involved him deliberately spilling my drink, breaking the stair gate and utterly exhausting himself .

Right lebkucken (yummy username by the way) I hear you with the tantrums, we only have about 5-10 mins maximum thank goodness.

But I definitely recommend "let's try that again", we do variations such as "let's go out of the room and come back in and start tea again" and "let's start crossing the road again" and "can you ask for that again?" etc. and it just gives us some successful interactions and also helps him to feel what it's like to do it properly.