OKay I'm finally asking for some advice with my ds..

[essbee]

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Maybe he is misbehaving because people at school are to him and he sees them getting away with it??

Do think though that regardless of what is happening he needs to know that there are still boundaries and what he has done is unacceptable.

You also could try and get in touch with his father (and I know he is being a complete C*NT when it comes to seeing the kids) but he needs to shoulder some of this too and the fact that he is not seeing the kids may be having an effect on DS???

Was gonna wait until I see you to send you the books (hope you get them this time) but will go down to post room and try and be nice to creepy man to get him to send them out for me!!

There might be something useful in one of them!!

Oh pressie will be in the post for DS if I can order them somewhere?? - Did he like the Tin Tin book DP gave him if so will order him some more - what one did DP give him just so I don't duplicate??

Oh, essbee, hugs - horrible situation to deal with. My DS2 has destructive tendencies too but hasn't been through what yours has - it seems that whenever something's not right for him he goes off and spoils something that isn't his (has scratched furniture, torn wallpaper etc).

I have in the past ripped up something of his just so he knows how it feels - he seemed to get the point but carried on doing it anyway. It's so hard to know what to do, or whether anything you say or do will make a difference. I agree with Galaxy that he needs to contribute towards replacing the trampoline - will he get any money for his birthday? Because if so that could go towards it.

Of course you love him and he does know it, but there is such a lot going on in his life - even though he is happier at home without the AH, his mind probably goes round it all, and the bullying must make him feel even worse.

Sorry, really can't help, just loads of sympathy from me. XXX

essby i know this is no answer but it sounds like your son is starting to fight back where he's being bullied he feels he cant fight back against them so he's fighting you instead knowing he wont get hurt have you tried asking him every time he does something why did he do it and how would he feel if someone done it to him you know try and get him to put himself in someone elses shoes also it might sound mean but if he damages something or trys to damage something of someone elses take his favourite toy and tell him he wont be having it back to try and show him that he dont like it when he loses something and thats how the other person feels when he damages there things
hth

Who was looking after him whilst you were out? Did they not see? Did something happen which might have prompted such behaviour?

It's very difficult. He might say that he's glad his dad isn't around, but deep down he is probably feeling very insecure. I would just try to find out what made him do it, point out that it is unacceptable and that it is only fair that he lose something he loves too. I suspect it is attention-seeking, but there is probably more to it. The bullying at school is worrying, especially as he doesn't appear to be upset by it. What have the school said about it?

I wouldn't be at all suprised if behaviour like cutting up his sister's things is a reaction to the bullying - don't we, as adults, sometimes take things out on the wrong person/in the wrong way/vent our frustration? That's not to say it should go unremarked (if he's old enough the idea of making a contribution to a new one is good) - just that if you and the school can really tackle the bullying together the other things might fall into place. As well as trying to help him understand how others feel when someone does something unpleasant is there something you can do to help him understand the pleasures of being nice? Could you and him plan a suprise of some sort for his sister? A sort of apology that she'd really like but which he'll enjoy doing - bake a cake? Not sure whether a cake makes up for a trampoline but it might work - maybe when his sister has calmed down.

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Oh, essbee, poor him and poor you. I can only think that he wants you to stop him really and therefore you do need to tell him it's unacceptable but still be quite gentle in the way you handle it. I'm so sorry about the bullying - how are the school handling it? There's an anti bullying website isn't there, will see if I can find it in a minute. I'll post again if I think of anything but I do think you're doing the right thing by telling him and showing him that you love him. He's obviously having a hard time dealing with the bullying and maybe with ah going (although you absolutely did the right thing and you are protecting him).

The bullying sounds DREADFUL. I have a horror of it happening to my son. I think the school are far too lax about it. Why not talk to him and say how wrong it is and how bad the boys are who bully him and how you are going to sort it out once and for all - really make him feel as if you are on his side. Obviously his actions cannot be supported or condoned, but being bullied is truly terrible and I am not surprised he doesn't know what to do with his feelings (anger, frustration, humiliation) atm. Poor lad and poor you too.

essbee, I am going through exactly the same with DS1 (re destructive tendancies) but to tell you the truth I have no idea if he's being bullied, although he has been in trouble at school himself on quite a few occasions! I think part of it could be down to how DP treated him before we were really together. He wasn't really nasty or anything, but whenever DS1 did something to DD (DP's DD who I class as my DD now ) DS1 would get a right telling off, but if DD did the same thing the tone was a lot softer (daddy's little girl & all that). I think that has affected him a lot, but it doesn't happen that often now (DP slips up occasionally) but DS1 has got really bad

I have actually mentioned to DP that I would like to go for family counselling and am looking into how we go about it. Maybe it would be good for you and your DS too? My sister and her DS are seeing someone and she says it seems to be helping a lot as her DS always seemed to be angry at her (think it has something to do with the fact his Dad had an affair and left them).

Sorry not much help hugs

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Maybe get him to bang something (safely) with a beater or pound a bean bag if he is cross or draw a picture of how he feels. Something that he can't do damage to or hurt himself with. He needs to be able to express his emotions and anger safely. If it's being channeled in the wrong direction then I suppose only the nearest and dearest will get hurt or upset by it.

He seems a sweet little boy and obviously needed to hear you speak of his angry emotions. It was good that you cuddled and helped him express himself through words. Maybe when he's looking a bit sad or angry intervene before it gets to him loosing his temper and ask him how he feels. The more you can communicate and let him tell you how he feels the more he will open up to you.

Good luck, there's always light at the end of the tunnel

Mmmm - I've been thinking about this, essbee. Counselling may be a good way for you to go - maybe - normally I cringe at the very idea but given all the baggage the poor lamb has to carry, it might help.

Granted he is very little, and I wouldn't know where to start, but possibly he feels as if dad leaving is somehow his fault? Because dad hit him, maybe he caused it? Do you see what I mean? I hate the idea of counselling generally but it coud be useful for him. At least you could ask about it at the health centre maybe? Am being very tentative here - just running the idea up the flagpole...

So sorry to hear that this is still happening SB - thought last night that maybe he has not had any good role models to show him how to express his anger - you never used to get angry because of AH and AH just used to hit you or DS!! - Maybe try and find something to do with Anger Management for him - a course or something so he is taught to deal with it!!

As a footmnote I don't think it is a good idea to let his break/rip something when he gets angry - it is a form of physical violence - albeit to an inanimate object but still I feel strongly that this is wrong!!

Was trying to think of an example to back up why I think that him breaking/ripping something is wrong - it is IMO akin to punching a wall!! (IYKWIM!!)

A good friend of mine took her son (then aged 8) to the GP after he had started having behavioural problems following the suicide of a family friend. The GP referred him to a child psychologist/counsellor and it was VERY effective. IMO I think counselling could really help a child of your ds' age essbee. I think it's far less helpful for teenagers, but younger children respond well to it as far as I've seen.

I take your point twinkie, but I still think that learning to channel rage and aggressive energy in a physical, but harmless way is a good thing. That might be punching a pillow, it might be ripping an old t-shirt up that he knows is ok to be ripped up, it might be going to a judo class. The difference is you are showing the child how to deal with their anger WITHOUT harm. It's the child who doesn't know how to deal with their rage who is more likely to direct it harmfully towards things or people IMO.

Twinkie - I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with you because I don't personally know where I stand, but am just adding some personal experience. From what I've read, channeling anger into something inanimate can really help kids and is made out to be a really good idea, so might really help essbee's ds to keep his anger away from other things.

HOWEVER, my UH, from a teenager, used to punch and kick holes in walls and doors when he got angry with his parents because he said it was better than hitting a person, and so it was ok to do. Then it was a very 'easy' and seamless progression from walls and doors to anything he wanted to hit, including me. So from personal experience, I'd say it can be extremely dangerous for someone to feel that its ok to release their anger on any object, because then the lines between which objects are ok and no ok can be easily ignored.

But as I said, I don't know what the answer is, just adding my tupenny worth.

Perhaps if UH's parents had recognised and helped him with his anger problem, he'd have turned out very differently.

If I was in essbee's position, I would consider it my responsibility to help ds to learn how to cope with feelings of rage and show him non-destructive ways of doing that.

There is a world of difference between that and a child who punches a wall through sheer frustration BECAUSE they have never been allowed or helped to learn how to deal with anger.

IMO

sm - totally agree there. I'm not saying kids getting their anger out on inanimate objects is wrong just that, like you say, the underlying feelings have to be tackled too. UH's parents never helped, they just made him angrier which is why he turned out like he did IMO. (It's all down to the parents!!)

Not sure why I feel so strongly about this but it's really playing on my mind now!

I really think that a violent adult is more likely to be a product of a family which itself is unable to deal with anger. Violence in an adult is imo a sign of someone who has not learned to deal with anger. Anger is a normal human emotion (particularly in boys who IMO are more naturally aggressive - the testosterone factor) - it is not something that should be considered "wrong". We all have anger and rage inside us, and it is for each of us to learn how to channel that constructively and help our children to do so too, PARTICULARLY if they have experienced domestic violence.

well, I think UH's parents totally stuffed him up. His dad could never control his anger, his mum didn't want to know and they were c**p at discipline, one minute horribly strict (like hitting him with a dog lead) and the next minute stupidly lax. Now that all obviously had a lot more effect on him than letting him hit walls did but I'm just saying care needs to be taken to make sure that's not all that's done for a kid, there's needs to be support too.

No channeling anger is not wrong at all but I still firmly believe that being destructive is terribly wrong - sbs ds needs to work through his feelings and understand anger is not a bad thing and destroying something is not good!!

I can jsut imagine what society and the school would think if he destroyed something every time he got cross - they would look on it as a problem - what is he supposed to do carry around this object that he is allowed to destroy just in case he gets angry when he is out - no - he needs to work at controlling and dealing with his anger in a way that will not single him out!! (especially with him being bullied too!!)

just sending ((((hugs)))) essbee and hope it all goes well for you.