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OKay I'm finally asking for some advice with my ds..

69 replies

essbee · 13/04/2004 15:24

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essbee · 22/04/2004 00:23

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tigermoth · 22/04/2004 23:39

hope the talk goes well tomorrow, essbee.

jodee · 22/04/2004 23:56

Hi SB, sorry I missed all this ... glad your 'baby' had a lovely birthday, well worth your hard work to see that beautiful grin! I really hope you get some satisfactory answers from the school, they need to take some sort of action - immediately.

Love, J xx

Batters · 23/04/2004 08:37

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Marina · 23/04/2004 10:20

Good luck today Essbee, hope the talk goes well and the bullying stops.

LIZS · 23/04/2004 10:22

essbee

Do hope you get a positive response today. Good luck

essbee · 24/04/2004 16:27

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Cam · 24/04/2004 17:48

Glad for you and your ds, essbee, that sounds v. encouraging! Love Cam

essbee · 05/05/2004 17:40

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SoupDragon · 05/05/2004 17:43

Sounds good

sis · 06/05/2004 10:25

I'm pleased for you and your son that things positive steps are going to be taken to help him - well done for not being intimidated by his class teacher and insisting the matter be dealt with properly.

essbee · 18/06/2004 16:50

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tigermoth · 19/06/2004 00:00

well done on two counts - your tennis win and ending the bullying problem. I'm racking my brains on why your son is being destructive sometimes and a couple of things spring to mind.

Is he someone who has to fiddle with everything? I was like this as a child and so is my oldest son - he tests things out, can't put things down till they break - some of my son's friends are the same. Very irritating - it's not as if he has malicious destruction in mind but things just happen. I do as you and punish, or try to stop the fiddling in the early stages when I catch it.

The second thing I thought of was attention seeking - you say you spent a whole morning playing games with your son, but perhaps he just did not want it to finish. I don't think the answer is to give even more attention when this happens and you were right to send him to his room when he was bad. Your son has to learn that all games come to an end and you have to do some things without him. Can you look at how frequently you warn him you are about to leave him alone? perhaps you need to spell it out more and let him know when he will have your attention again. If he is well prepared for your absence, he might come to terms with it better. And follow up by saying you expect him to be good while you are off doing your stuff and if he isn't you will be cross, and the stuff you are doing is for both of you anyhow.

Hope he came downstairs in a better frame of mind!

essbee · 19/06/2004 03:25

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Twinkie · 19/06/2004 12:58

Don't worry about the stuff with your x2b honey your DS is old enough to realise that you have rules and they do not change regardless of what your x2b does or says or lets him get away with - and if he ever says 'well Daddy lets me' - your stock response has to be well when you are with me I expect you to behave in such and such a way - DD has realised that her Daddy will let her have coke (a mortal sin in my book) but she knows that under no circumstances is she allowed to have it with me - a little pathetic example but your DS is far older and wiser than my DD!! You will not be seen as an ogre or as the one who gives him rules and regulations - children actually feel loved more and secure when they have rules and regualtions and boundaries - maybe this is something you should tell the arse that is so unfortunaely his father!!

Can you get DS an appointment with an ed psych - maybe there is an underlying problem why he is doing this stuff - although I do think maybe it is because he is feeling a little isolcated and scared what with everything that has happened - did you read those books I sent you to him - maybe he needs more reassuring that everything around him may be changing but you and daddy will always love him and he is still your special little boy.

Don't let him get away with the destruction though - I firmly believe that if you do that children will thnk that it is an acceptable way to behave and that because things are going badly that gives then licence to behave in a way that they wouldn;t normally - keep cuddling him and reassuring him and talking to him - talking most importantly - tell him that you are there for him and he can talk to you about anything he wants to and you may not agree but you will try your best to understand whatever he has to say.

Oh and can you get some time to do stuff with just him and without DD?? - that may help him feel a bit more secure!!

Good luck and I hope to see you soon. XXX

dolally · 20/06/2004 02:20

Haven't had time to read all of this history but would like to say essbee, that I think you're doing everything right and I'm sure your little ds will be fine. Other people might have said this but here are my ideas

my middle dd is very intelligent, and very volatile, great sense of humour but complicated. Between the ages of 3 & 6 she used to get very badly behaved and frustrated and angry with the general wear and tear of life (with one younger and one older sibling) When she was about six i found a collection of books for small kids discussing their feelings - I got her two- "I feel angry" and "I feel scared". They are simple, with wonderfully amusing pictures and children can really identify with the ideas portrayed. My dd was quite difficult at times and also terrified of going to the bathroom on her own even wheneveryone else was up and about - watching tv etc. I could see instantly when she saw these books what went through her mind was "wow that's how I feel" and I think that she got great comfort from seeing that the feelings she had were normal and she could handle them. There's also "I feel sad" and another one...They are by Brian Moses I think. Not big books, just a few words, and a few words for parents/teachers at the back. Your ds is obviously a bright kid but probably very confused and sad, maybe frightened you'll leave too. That's why Iwonder if he'd identify with the ideas in these books - I think that my dd was not only angry and frightened but also confused by those very feelings - ie she was too young to know what they were or what caused them or what to do with them. Hope I'm not going on too much and I do appreciate that what your ds and you have gone through is more difficult than some. Another idea - get him involved in something he enjoys, tennis, drama, Sorry if you've already done all the above. Must fly look at the time!

essbee · 23/06/2004 02:10

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roisin · 23/06/2004 21:43

Essbee, I've only just seen this. Sorry you've had an awful day. I don't really know what I can post that's helpful. I just know that the only thing that keeps me sane is being able to hand dss over to dh when I reach my limit. I don't know how you cope! Hope you've had a better day today.

hmb · 23/06/2004 21:50

I am sorry that you have had such a bad day.

An Ed psych is an educational psychologist. They can assess your son to see if he has any special educational needs. You could also ask about seeing a clinical psychologist if the probelm is more wide ranging and is a problem outside of school.

Most schools will have a unit that they can refer children too if they feel it is needed. It might be worth discussing this with the school to see what they think about it. Our local unit will help with a wide variety of issues, for example anger management, grief councelling. They will deal with the whole range of probelms from the very severe to more 'mundane' but still real issues. They can sometimes recomend things like play therapy.

I hope that you feel better soon.

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