Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

My DS won't look me in the eye if I'm trying tell him something he doesn't like, and often tries to force a laugh too. Sometimes i deal with it brilliantly (ha!) and sometimes less so. I totally agree with you moresnow it all depends on my energy for it that day. So hard to be consistent when lots of the traits I find hard in my son, I have too :D

moresnow yes yes yes with the needing the energy. Today I didnt have it though I am still pleased I handled some of the many,many challenging situations well. Some being the operative word though. Bedtime was good thoguh which always leaves me calmer.

Anyway, I'm all out of screen time for the day so will try to post tomorrow.

Up early to watch the referendum results
Welcome back blue interesting about the link between our own "stuff" and parenting. I am glad you can access the courses you describe, they sound generally useful.
monkey so glad you are finding the book useful! I thought the "train and teach rather than nag and hope" was a 'new to me' and useful point to make specifically. I found some of the things said in the chapters to be irrelevant/too general but the sixteen skills are very good. Different people will find different things useful in it. Like blue said some tactics don't suit sone households/children. Parenting is not a one size fits all type process, but it think quite a few of us on here agree on some important fundamental points.

dreaming you are really being put through the mill at the mo! hope your day goes well.

Apologies for the overuse of the word 'useful'

letsGo yes, there's lots of common sense stuff, and some reinforcement of more commonly cited techniques (like descriptive praise) and sometimes it pushes slightly too close to annoying childless nanny voice ( you will be the authority figure and if nobody likes it tough and you chose to have kids so you can bloody well deal and enjoy it - maybe I'm paraphrasing slightly).

But I hadn't come across the teaching/training skill before either; and I really like that even though I'm only about a third of the way through, there have already been very practical tips which have made a difference for us.

moresnow that is insanely impressive - I have no idea how you managed that

DS also avoids eye contact when in trouble or generally uncomfortable. Trying to force it never ends well.

Another heavy tantrum day with DD, need to try to switch off survival mode (my nerves are frayed) and see if I can find any strategies for her.

moresnow I found both "peaceful parent, happy kids" and "10 days to a less defiant child" both absolutely brilliant (the latter being VERY easy to read). I agreed with and could relate to almost every word. Putting it into practice, however, has proven more difficult. :( I'm blaming late-pregnancy crabbiness.

HTT is better for 3+ and perfect for 5+ IME but you can apply some of the things to younger children.

mandbaby it will be better once you're not heavily pregnant. It really will! I however who am not heavily pregnant has managed tonight to get so impatient at bedtime I grabbed dt2 (evading bed on my bedroom . floor) and carried him over to his room- too roughly, clearly . He said I hurt him I'd been pretty pleased with the day up til then. The point I physically overpowered and hurt one of my 2 year olds. So I'm not exempt either. tomorrow is another day. Again...

The other day the dts both set upon and kicked dd till she was marked and sobbing. today dt2 purposefully hurt 2 smaller children at twins club. This evening prior to me grabbing dt2 I snapped badly at dd who just wandered up to dt1 and either scratched at his face or pulled his hair. Unprovoked anyway and he was upset. why are they so violent? ! what am I doing wrong? We talk about kindness. We talk about gentleness. They agree they wouldn't like to be pushed/hit/kicked. The only ray of light is when another mum pointed put how beautifully they were playing together in the playground sandpit. Mostly as we weren't at home of course.

anothermonkey I assume you do all the usual give as many decisions to her as possible - green top or blue top. teeth first or bath first. My dt1 is like her though I think and it's so damn wearing.

agree about the suitability of HTT for older children - I didn't find it much use when DD1 was really little. I actually quite like Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting - the chapters are a bit irritating, but the tips are actually really good - the descriptive praise in particular. mandbaby I'm sure that things will be better once the baby is born. Dreaming I think the violence stuff is about intense emotions that they can't handle - plus they absolutely know that hitting will get your attention. Response needs to be as neutral as possible - remove, say nothing, reinforce no hitting rule afterwards.

We have had interesting day - behaviour mostly pretty good (yay!), even with chickens (sat DD down this morning and talked to her about it), more or less. But went to see GP today about our concerns and she was keen to refer DD1 to psychologist for evaluation; she seems to be tending towards an asperger's diagnosis, which sort of fits tbh. We are OK with this, particularly if it enables us to use strategies that will help her - GP said, look, if it is this, it requires specialist management, you can't do it just through good parenting. We can parent better, I'm sure, and one of the great things about all of our children with their quirks, foibles etc is that they continually teach us to be better parents. My DD1 does, anyway. And my DD2 who could bring herself up reaps the benefits too

I've lost my copy of HTT AND the Buttons book, which is annoying. Calm Parents, Happy Kids has lots of stuff from babyhood up, MoreSnow.

Very impressed with your morning achievements too!

I've lost it this evening, screamed at both boys for minor stuff. :(

Hope you all get on OK with appointment, rhetorician, whatever the outcome.

Yep, I don't think I had a particular book which helped for toddlerhood, just various websites.

rhetorician that sounds really positive. I'm so interested to hear how you get on as you move through the process, please let us know how things are going if you can?

dreaming yes, I try to give choices whenever I can, including at times when I know she won't want to do the thing itself, so for example, if I know she doesn't want to leave the park I'll give her timed advance warnings then ask if she'd like to walk or sit in the pushchair. Wearing is definitely the word for it!

We had a better morning - it was rough when she got tired but I can cope with that :)

yes, will keep you posted - it seems unlikely that whatever the outcome that she will suddenly become a biddable child who can remember things...

rhet there'll be no magic wands but as your GP said, there may be access to support and strategies which you otherwise would be without. It sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment.

Oh no, moresnow that's hard :( is there any chance it won't come to that?

mandbaby.... Are you still around?...

moresnow - oh dear, what's happened. anotherMonkey - things have actually been a lot better the last couple of weeks. As I said, positivity is not my strong point

moresnow hope they are both soon on the mend and that it doesn't escalate to going to hospital for DS1

Yes, still here. Due today. A few twinges but maybe all in my head. Had a couple of snappy, irritable shouting days :(

Oh crikey moresnow crossing everything one year bigger means you can stave off hospital. my friend with asthmatic twins has a home nebuliser kit. is that ever an option where you are?

mandbaby I have been dreadful tonight. snapped and shouted at all 3. Made dd cry. Exactly as you say. I see myself, the parent, getting ridiculously cross over them 'misbehaving' (mucking about, refusing baths/washes for the little 2 - who cares in the grand scheme of they're dirty a couple of days?- not choosing a story, basically not doing the bedtime routine as I wanted). I am.aware I'm. being a snappy horrible cow at the time. even one of the 2 year olds said "calm down mummy" which helped a bit. But why?! why? I really am lacking self control without being heavily pregnant. ...

mandbaby all targets are off, there isn't a pregnant woman on earth who isn't feeling murderous snappy at this stage. Did your other children arrive on time?! The timings of my two were uncannily similar, same day of the week, even.

moresnow how are your DCs doing?

rhet you don't come across as unnecessarily negative. I know I've said before that I see a lot of my DS in your posts and I can understand how tough it can be. And the fact that your GP acknowledged that your suspicions might be valid must leave you with very mixed feelings.

dreaming have you got the buttons book?

I've found that sometimes it's just the sheer relentlessness or tiredness which can make me snappy. But sometimes it really is specific triggers and understanding a bit more about those was really helpful for me.