Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Oh and I hope it's not annoying / irrelevant / patronising / missing the point BUT I really liked reading this thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2286001-The-little-things-that-bring-you-joy

and found it helpful to remember to look for the good. Taking the time to think of things to add helped too as it was a focus away from the bad stuff and some time out. Hopefully you won't think fcking unhelpful, glib, just fcking annoying and totally patronisingly missing the point

And just as an irrelevant aside - I'm def losing it - stopped at GREEN traffic lights yesterday!!!!!!!!!!

bexster that's a great thread.

Erk. Horrible morning today. I was being far too cross and unreasonable and snapping at every little thing. :(

Hey ladies.

I'm trying hard not to raise my voice today!

Feel like my neighbours can hear me sometimes and are going to report me to ss! That might me be my anxiety though, our towns small and I feel like everyone can tell I'm a stressy shouty mum! I want to change, I really do:)

My 2 year is a diva and a daddy's girl. A typical toddler who some days especially when tired throws a strop at anything and everything.

Today I've decided to ignore anything that's annoying, and hopefully she'll stop it! Anything that's harmful to her or her brother firmly tell her off, warn her and sit on naughty step if she continues to not listen:)

If she has a strop I lay her down (she throws herself and has hurt herself or little brother 15 months) walk out the room with my youngest and leave her to it:)

Keeping my fingers crossed I can get through a while day without being horrid!

Wish me luck :)

Ps Has anybody got a small age? There's 14 months between my two! Any advice I'd appreciate x

Nothing to add as usual but just wanted to say its comforting knowing I am not alone. I hope calmer days are on the horizon for all of us, especially you choccie, that sounds v tough.

Choccie hope you are ok today and that people are helping you out. Any progress with gp?

Ju1es I've got an 18 month age gap but no advice I'm afraid. I'm not exactly a model parent or managing it particularly well.

Today DS has been so good in some ways but lots more violent again. I thought he was getting better! Or maybe I was just worse today at pre-empting things? At one point I thought oh phew he's going to do something nice and kiss his little sister. I then had to pull him off from biting her head!

Meanwhile I've totally failed on The Orange Rhino 30 day challenge and am back to day 1 tomorrow :/

Ho hum :S

Oh and the bit that I hated myself for? I went out for a walk to the shop and back. DS really enjoying it, everything is so interesting to him. On the way back he is starting to get quite tired and he's getting slower and wanting to look at things... and I don't let him enjoy it, I don't let him be, I nag and pull at him to hurry up and start getting crosser and stressed... and it could have been such a lovely afternoon walk.

Hi all.
Age gap between my 2 youngest was 16 months. The memory has faded a lot in the mists of time since those long ago days but I do remember it is quite tough on you physically. Your body is still getting over the first pregnancy when the second gets going. Getting to the gym for a few months helped get me fitter, stronger, mentally better able to deal with all that was happening, and lose a bit of weight. That wasn't possible til I was back at work and had some regular day time childcare sorted. You may be younger and fitter than I was to begin with though
Re orange rhino. Don't beat yourself up about not managing the challenge. Stopping shouting leaves a vacuum where shouting used to be. Until you have practised new techniques for gaining cooperation to the point where they are (almost) automatic, it is very hard to fill that vacuum with something effective. It isn't as simple as slotting a non shouty alternative behaviour in where shouting used to be.

Just had a good read through this post:)

Hugs to all having a hard time especially Choccie!! I had a hard time right after having my little boy, my daughter did not react very well to a new sibling and I was pulling my hair out! Has she got a dolly? My little girl loves copying and being mummy to her baby doll:)

Well today's not been too bad, but I'm absolutley exhausted! Anbody else just want to be left alone once dear children are in bed?! Some nights I can't even stand cuddling my dh, it's like i've been climbed over pulled in every direction all day I want my body back lol! Sounds a bit crazy I know lol!

Thanks Letsgoforawalk. Yes I totally agree feel like I've been hit by a bus most days, I'm so unfit! I think I need to start going to the gym I used to be tiny and now after 2 children I put weight on very easy (like all us mums I'm sure) My ds is 15 months now and I'm back at work part time so I've no excuse, just can't be arsed if I'm honest!! Must shift this jelly belly, my dd keeps asking if I've a baby in there lol!!

Finally a place where I don't feel I'm alone Thanks ladies, we can do this together:)

ju1es I also have 18 months between my dd and my dts. 1:1 time makes the biggest difference for us. It's slipped lately and you can really tell with behaviour (at least I hope you can and that getting it going again helps!) We did it at weekends, so each child got to go and do something special with just them and a parent. Always dh as he struggles with more than one but that's an unfair battle I won't go into! they get a choice of 3 things usually eg playground, bike ride, soft play. I do something with the other 2 but they all adore 'special time'.

It really helps me to remember the hugely annoying fighting and spoiling of games is in the majority about attention or fighting for supremacy. That said I howled at the boys for emptying every puzzle we own onto the floor (some are 150 piece ones and we have a LOT!!) and spreading all the pieces around and muddling them all up while I was upstairs with poorly DD. Some are lost. I was furious but dealt with it reasonably. Til I put TV on while I kept sorting, did their tea, kept sorting. Had done all bar 4 so had a pile of completed boxes and those still to do. Nipped up to put the bath on and DT1 bloody well did it again, then was smirking at me and looking for a.reaction. Unfortunately I gave one.... BUT engaging rather than accusing, involving rather than isolating works best with my 3.

Hi, very sleepy but just dropped in to see how everyone is getting on. Happy weekend x

Oh the 4 year old and the wolf in ed room nightmares and hours of needing cuddling send wriggling and driving me crazy! Plus a tired me is just so much more likely to be a shouty me.... and regardless the earliest waker is up by 6.

Still I have been for a very slow and poor effort run and feel much better for it.

Good luck with the weekend all!

I hope everyone made it through the weekend.

I'm a bit low at the moment. So of course there's a list.

1. I'm worried about DS. I have a couple of meetings coming up at school at their instigation. The irony is that the people I am close enough to talk to about my concerns with in RL are the people who see him at his best, and they don't seem to understand my concern. This makes me feel lonely and frustrated.

1. DH is in roughly the same place as me. Which means we both need some support and TLC, but neither of us have the energy to give it. I have zero sex drive and although he's being very understanding, this isn't helping (ju1es I know exactly what you mean). We love each other but our relationship is suffering at the moment.

1. I need to find a way to get through this stage in one piece. The monotony of the unending household stuff, the noise level, the fight or flight which comes with the (between them, almost non-stop on a bad day) tantrums, the lack of time to be me, the dishevelled mess I see in the mirror, the tiredness, the immense effort involved in doing anything at all.

Every day I feel blessed to have them. It's not that I don't see the amazing stuff or feel the joy. But I'm also crying quite a lot.

Any suggestions would be very welcome.

Oh monkey I wish I could sit you down in my sunny kitchen with and and hear all about it. You do need RL friends who will listen properly.
Do you go to any toddler groups? I always found one I went to to be an enormous support.
I'm off to work now bit ill check in later.
Hope you have a good day x

Hey AnotherMonkey that sounds really tough. I'm sorry and I hope it gets better soon (((hugs!!!))) A lot of what you say (especially 3) sounds pretty similar to how I'm feeling right now. Don't think I'm coping terribly well so any suggestions I make might be useless! Is there anyone around who could have the DCs for an afternoon / a day / overnight to give you a break and to recharge? Re DS and school is there someone neutral you could talk to? Even a hv or something? Just to be able to talk it through? We need a version of child line for adults. I'd have phoned it several times today :/ I don't know what exercise you already are doing but I find the days I manage to fit (even a short) swim in are usually better than the ones I don't. Even with the hideous sleep deprivation going on right now (DD just doesn't seem to want to stop feeding. Can it really be another growth spurt already?)). I hope things will improve soon. I've literally had such a bad day and feel like such a horrible, horrible person and worst mother ever so I'm feeling pretty negative so I'm sorry if I've not been much help! !

letsgo that's lovely

I can understand that it's hard for people to understand when they just don't see that side of him. I don't know what to think of it all, most of the time. I do have some lovely friends. It's just so isolating at times when it's particularly difficult.

Bexster thank you for helping when you've had such a rubbish day yourself

I have managed to create spaces in my week now for exercising/social stuff (although it's not always easy to leave!). And you're right, it does help

Weekends and holidays are so intense though!

I had some useful info back from the autism helpline today - resources on things like anger management which, regardless of whether or not DS might be on the spectrum, have some really useful strategies. Also, it's helped me to articulate some of my concerns and see them arranged by skill set, and therefore to start planning strategies to work on some of these.

It's also helped me to count my blessings, reading about things others have to deal with.

Bexster do you want to talk about your day? I'm willing to bet good money that you are neither horrible nor the worst mother, but I know that feeling

That sounds very positive AnotherMonkey - I hope the strategies help. The autism helpline stuff sounds really helpful.

As for me, I know I'm over over over tired. And I'm sure that most of this wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't tired. DD just won't stop feeding. Last night for instance, she was up half an hour after I put her down all night long :(

I tried to be empathetic and talk to DS when he's hitting and biting me (as they suggest on aha parenting) whilst I'm trying to change his nappy so we can go out for one of his groups and meanwhile DD is screaming because it's been at least 15 mins since I last fed her and I don't think she can settle herself to sleep. At all.

But DS carries on biting more and more and next thing I know I'm screaming at HIM that I can't cope when he's being like this. I feel so close to hitting him just to stop him. I didn't hit him. I've since put him in his cot just to have a break from him.

So today's panning out to be the same as yesterday where I just LOSE it with DS and get so angry. I'm so tired and we've all got colds too. I know it's understandable but I also understand that this is just awful and it must be terrifying for DS to have me screaming or afterwards crying at him. And it's no wonder that he prefers DH.

Can I join with only one little guy, aged 18m, who's a lovely fellow but just beginning to demonstrate some behaviours which require loads of patience (constant whinging, mainly, and never listening to "no", plus a few attention-grabbing swipes at my face). I'm trying very hard to set up some positive responses and not get wound up myself but it's a struggle some days and I keep feeling there must be loads of knowledge out there in experienced parents that would help me. Your reading list alone looks really helpful!

Oops, this dropped off my Threads I'm On...

Hi HJBeans!

How are you doing, Bexster and Monkey?

Things are up and down here. DS1 now has an outlet via the family support person at school, and is expressing his anxieties more. In turn that makes us realise quite how many of them there are, which then makes me beat myself up, that he's inherited a sensitive temperament from me, and then I've been shouty with him for being sensitive...! :( Not a productive way of thinking though, and trying to keep out of that spiral.

Welcome HJBeans. We used to suggest reading the thread as there is lots of good advice and experience tucked away in these pages, but after 1,900 posts it would probably be quicker to read all the books we have recommended!

Good to see you again blue hope there is some useful constructive stuff coming out of the school support. (Don't beat yourself up!) Sometimes kids just are who they are, we have not necessarily 'made' them like that - either through inheritance or behaviour, they just .....are.

Monkey, sounding positive, I like the finding time for exercise and socialising. I can't remember, have you been assessed by HV or by your GP to see if depression is contributing to your current situation? It is just that a few things you have mentioned sometimes go with depression. I wonder if it is worth getting checked out again if you suspect that might be a factor.....
I'm having one of my lovely days off (no children on sick leave this week so it is a slow cooker, housework and volunteer dog walking day for me) we have dropped an evening activity since Christmas and the extra time it seems to have given me is wonderful. Not having to feed children at different times and jump in the car and drive across town in the rush hour twice a week has really been nice.
900 posts!!!
Isn't this where we start the discussion for thread 3 title?