Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Hmm so the issue about getting into the shower in the first place is based around the hair washing bit?

Or water on his face generally (not just eyes)?

I like the umbrella idea!!

I should add that DD isn't a big fan of baths either, again because of the hair washing. I can go for a good while between shampooing with mine and you would never know.

Mine = my kids.

I can't get away with it, as today's sorry hairstyle proves.

Shower is a small cubicle, not really big enough for umbrella. I'd be able to stand in with him but you couldn't play in there. And I think he'd get upset with water dripping off various body parts and going less predictably on him. Plus, he's a bit obsessed with naked bodies and always wants to touch parts he shouldn't, so we avoid nakedness, I suppose we could wear swimsuits, though.

I don't want to go without, we have done that in the past and he gets really sweaty and his head gets fusty. It is really really nice now that he actually washes his hair properly, because his hair is so thick it looks, smells, feels gorgeous. I hadn't realised how long I'd left him without really washing it properly.

And yes it's water on his face. He's better at washing hair in the shower because he can do it totally himself and he's in control. That's helped a lot but it's that initial getting into the shower and making an almighty fuss.

gradual desensitisation may be the way to go with the shower/wet hair/face. I've had this with all mine to a greater or lesser extent.
Swimming toys that are designed to be blown along the surface of the swimming pool, toy watering cans for trickling water over heads.
Going back for another read

Well done for backing DH up and managing that consistency even though you didn't quite agree. You are a shining beacon of an example to me and it looks like it helped.
Yes, any games involving getting faces close to water in any form. Bubble paintings, ducking for apples (maybe a bit ambitious!) blowing bubbles with a straw in a bowl. Stuff he feels in control of as well and can control the level of risk ( of getting splashed).
Being shoved beneath the stream of water, however tempting, would be quite counterproductive I think. Well done to your DH for resisting the temptation. ( I did once dunk one of mine in a stream but that's another story)

Ooh actually, he HAS ducked for apples, at hallowe'en, and I hadn't twigged about that. Yes. What a good idea. Must start up swimming again, too. I did get him blowing bubbles in the bath with a straw a few months ago too and explained if he put his mouth in he could blow bubbles directly which he had a bit of a go at too. I've got him some special colour changing bath bomb things for Christmas so I expect he'll be having a few baths to try those out.

Haha, thank you for saying that I have a tendency to get a bit defensive and have overruled DH in the past but it doesn't help so instead I have decided to back him up but I will tell him privately if I'm not keen on something. It seems to work out in the end.

Hello again, I've been AWOL again, I'm sorry about that.
I've come back because I need to confess something, I'm a terrible parent and I know it. I used to never yell at DD, even at the most stressful, god awful tantrum times I managed to maintain control and speak with calmness and empathy. I can't do that any more. I'm getting more and more angry, I feel pushed. I do things that I know I shouldn't, I should feel bad for doing them but I don't. I just feel angry. Like today. DD wanted to get the toy that DS was playing with. I told her not to, but being a toddler, insecure, and jealous right now she kept on trying anyway. I ended up putting her in the bedroom and shutting the door. I know that's not the thing to do, I know right now she needs reassurance and empathy not being - literally - shut out. I know it could emotionally damage her. And I do feel shit, in that general I am a shit parent and I'm doing a rubbish job kind of way. But when we go through these issues I can't seem to find it within myself to respond with the empathy and calm that I know I should. I just feel so upset and angry.
Some one give me a bitch slap and tell me to sort myself out? I need it right now.

No bitch slaps here, sunny. You're not a bad parent. You're having a tough time but every day you make a fresh start because there really isn't any other option and eventually it starts to get easier.

I can't remember how old your DCs are?

Have you tried the Buttons book? When I feel up against the wall with an issue which seems to be tipping me over the edge, I dip back into what are essentially self-help sections. It does help me to put things in perspective and understand my own responses.

No bitch slaps doled out here. After all none of us are perfect. Clearly. That's why we're here.

I'm drowning under a river of snot and battling my temper hugely after very disturbed nights with all 3 with a high temperature /cough and snot bug.

But anyway, 4 year old aggression /brother tormenting. Driving. Me . Mad.

bertie if he's sensory defensive would doing a few 'calming' things first help? Is he a bear hug/deep pressure kind of boy? Sometimes getting them to do pushing a wall over/ hands on head and push down /chewing gum while you shower can help if it's needing to be calmer. That's a bit garbled but you'll have an inkling if that'd help- or that sort of thing maybe. I don't wash one of my boys hair as he hates it. Though last night he put soap on it...5 times!! His is fine and not thick and very blonde though so you can't tell if it's not washed (yet).

We're just getting to the point where DS1's hair needs regular washing, and he's just about able to cope with it now. It took a long time and a lot of experimentation to get to a method that works though.

I've been very tired and very bad-tempered for ages. I hate it.

Thankyou for being so kid. After a rocky start today has gone better. I'll also have to get a copy of the Buttons book, thankyou Monkey. And my DC are 2 1/2 and 3 months.

How's everyone doing?

I'm slightly dreading the Christmas holidays at the moment - we've had some incredibly intense moments today, though calmed sooner than in the past. It's a fatal combination of sensory overload, mega excitement levels, disruption to routine, other people's expectations, enforced spending time with family with few introvert break-out zones...

I'm very aware that we have too many activities crammed into Monday and Tuesday mornings next week, but it's the only chance we're going to get to see 3 sets of friends. Just hoping that I can keep my cool and provide calming down activities in the afternoons. Any tips??

Hope it's going well blue we are ok. Looking forward to a bit of "nothing is happening today" days after a busy few weeks!

Hi everyone, bit busy here at the moment but want to say Happy Christmas to all on the thread. I'll be thinking of you all over the next couple of weeks, even if I don't get much time to post.

Wishing you a peaceful and joyful Christmas... and lots of luck!!

Xxx

How's it going Blue? The only thing I can think really is watch your child, if it seems like it's getting too much then take them out for a breather, and say no to anything that you can do that you know will be too much.

We're going through similar. Family party yesterday that involved lots of travelling/rubbish food/mega excitement, then at the inlaws today as it's the only day we can get together around Christmas. All of the excitement, reduced sleep, bad food has been too much for DD and she had a mega tantrum today. I know it's not her fault, and I think both DH and I handled it quite badly really. But remembering Monkey's wise words, tomorrow is a fresh start, I will do better, we have to.

Does anyone have any tips on how to handle mega tantrums when they arise? I try to be calm, I try to be empathetic, I remain available and patient so that when she's ready she can come to me, I try ignoring, I try repeating calmly when I have to - things like "we don't push". None of this seems to help, she was screaming and shouting at me to do things, crying and completely hysterical for 1.5hours! That's not a normal amount of time for them to be tantrumming is it? I know it's all to do with the above, over tired, over stimulated etc. and the best thing is prevention rather than cure, but does any one have any suggestions for what to do when we are in the throes of a mega tantrum episode? I just wish there was a right answer and I knew what it was, I feel like I'm getting it all wrong and failing her at the minute. Fortunately they're not frequent occurrences.

Whilst I'm at it, every night now and usually several times a night she'll wake up and want to nurse. I'm trying to cut down BFing in view to eventually stopping it as I really don't enjoy it with her (she's 2.6) and it's supposed to just be at nap times and bed times. If I tell her no and explain that they're tired and need a rest she'll often start whining, and it can escalate into screaming the house down (not good in terraced in the middle of the night!). DH has started taking her downstairs and not allowing her back up until she's calm, but this does pretty much guarantee screaming and hysterics. How would others deal with this?

Yesterday wasn't too bad, thanks. Very manic morning, but at least once DS1 was able to realise that he was getting overwhelmed and take himself off for a minute or two, which is real progress. He did similar over making cookies at the end of last week - realised he was getting frustrated and asked me to take over. I was very impressed with that and did remember to tell him so. There was a fair bit of tension in the afternoon, but not too bad really.

Fingers crossed for today!

Is this any help re tantrums Sunny?

Not for mega tantrums, no, I'm already doing most of that She's having another one right now. DH is with her as DS got really upset and needed to feed and nurse. It started over nursing. She was meant to have a nap. I let her nurse a little bit then told her boobs needed a rest. This meant she no longer wanted a nap and wanted to go downstairs (from past experience if you accept this it will mean her asking to go for a nap, nursing, and then wanting to go downstairs, over and over again). I tried empathising instead, letting her know I understood it must be hard etc. Not worked at all. She then started demanding that I carry her toys down for her, I explained it was nap time and I was going to be staying upstairs. She continued shouting and screaming at me - she could have gone down herself but the point was she wanted me to go downstairs. I ignored it but remained available (in the vain hope she might calm down, come in for a cuddle and go to sleep). All that's happened is she's gotten madder and madder, and more and more upset. We're now in the throes of another mega tantrum. The only thing I believe that would have avoided it would have been letting her nurse to sleep, but I can't, I just really do not like it - it just feels horrible and makes me irritated, I actually hate it now. But I know part of this whole problem is her probably feeling insecure and more needy since DS arrived, and probably needing the comfort of nursing even more. She's become so much more volatile and whiny since we've had him.
I just really don't know what to do. All the advice about being calm, being firm, empathising, staying available, none of it seems to work. Being quiet to let her get the feelings out doesn't seem to work. I try preventative medicine, giving her as much 1:1 time as I can, lots of rough housing and cuddles etc. She already has a lot of choice in the things she can do to try and give her more feeling of control. DH and I have gotten to the point where we're finding it hard to not snap or speak in anger, and that obviously makes things far worse!
It's coming up to an hour now, can hear her whimpering but sounds like they might be coming back down.
Please, if anyone can spot where I'm going wrong let me know.

tiger I am really with you on the mega tantrums. My dt1 is similar. He's 31 months. He gets himself into such furies, I dread them so much and we're on one a day at the minute. I can't load the link on my phone yet but it's very hard. I guess persisting. They must come out of this phase?!

The last few days have been torturous here. His tempers. All been ill for 2 weeks, DD on antibiotics for chest infection, dts sound similar but didn't have the persistent fever so hope they'll just get over it. I am a woman on the edge. Thank goodness dh has come.down to join me at my mum's and help in the night!

So good luck to all and merry Christmas! I hope it's not too fraught for anyone. x

I keep meaning to come back and say we are doing a lot, lot better.

I've been reading Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting and I got DH the first chapter as a download for his Kindle (I'll get him the rest in the New Year I think as he tends to read while commuting). He has really got on board with Descriptive Praise and says it makes a lot of sense to him, and agrees we weren't really doing it. Nursery are trying more one-to-one time and they see a difference too. And I've been doing a few walk-throughs (or do I mean think-ahead?) and some reruns if something goes badly, and talking about the rules for whatever scenario.

The main flash points have calmed down - walking or riding the buggy board (loads of DP and talking about how proud his best friend would be of him), putting his nappy on before bed (bribery with YouTube) and brushing his teeth without biting (I think it's mainly better because he's calmer in general). I've been trying to do more one-to-one with him (mainly reading stories because that's what I like to do, but I've been trying to get DD to nap in the mornings when we're home too, meaning she is more rested as well, and I've also braved some crafts - salt dough decorations, hand prints, in fact DH said I was really patient doing painting with him and he loved it too)

I think he's also grown up a bit too, and the extra time in nursery he's been having since September is paying off.