Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Crisis I reckon you should start a thread if you can stomach the fact that some folk are likely to be openly critical. You'll get some good advice inamongst the hard questions. Totally understand if you'd rather not, though.

I would say that it's vital you show understanding that not only hitting too hard is wrong, but that hitting is wrong at all - yes smacking is legal in the UK, but only just. I don't think SS will be too happy about it as a strategy, I would seek their help or their advice about finding help for some alternative strategies. What's DH saying/thinking they're going to do, and what does he think you should do? If DH thinks you were justified in disciplining DS in that way they might be concerned about that. Appreciate if you don't want to give identifying info but if smacking is a normal part of your discipline it might be time to rethink that. Lots and lots of support here of course about how to do that if you want/need it but I don't think it's the best thing minimise it and say everyone gets angry sometimes. We all do, but this is a wake up call. It's the right thing to do to act on that and I'm really really sure you can make positive changes for the future - try to see it that way? I hope it all works out for you.

thread here

Still here. Very tired and drained today, but have found a source of RL help via the school that I wish I'd known about long ago.

Cool, I'll pop over x

What's the source of help, blue? If you can describe it without outing yourself

Are you taking care of yourself?

crisis I've been over to your thread. I felt winded when I first read your post, I can only imagine how you felt last night. I hope you're OK now that you've seen the social worker and it's not all quite so unknown.

Sending calming vibes to everyone for a good weekend xx

Monkey - the family support worker, who can work with DS1 in school to help him learn to manage his emotions, and then later can do some sessions with us both together so that everything is joined up. I just never knew that she was there. I've thought about asking his teachers so often, but never plucked up the courage!

Hi there - really late replying. I just can't get the time to post during the week. Feels like I am jumping from one thing to the next constantly. And not getting much sleep either as I go to bed late and then I wake way too early stressing about sh*t so I can't get back to sleep. About 4 hours is my norm at the moment. Urgh.
Work is probably a big part of the problem as it's a bit crazy meaning I'm working longer hours, feeling like I am no good at my job, then stressing out and losing the plot with the kids. DS1 has started messing about at school and we got an email from the teacher yesterday to say he has been finding it hard to sit still and calm on the rug. They asked if we have noticed any changes at home. My heart sank when I saw that mail. And I realised after trying to calm my son down that night when he was acting crazy, that this is all us, me and DH, who are making him like this. And I decided it needs to stop. Had a long heart to heart with DH and we both agreed we need to stop the yelling and really try to not react with anger or frustration. Today was a pretty good day. But we have a DS2's birthday party tomorrow which will be testing. Six 3 yr olds and a 5 yr old. Any tips most welcome about how to keep him engaged in being helpful big brother instead of causing havoc and derailing the proceedings???
Crisis - I read your posts and felt so sad for you. I really hope you are able to find a way to work things out.

DS1 is being delibertely rude and provoking. He is very deliberately trying to alienate the entire family. He says he doesn't like his family and we're all nasty. He is destroying things that he likes when he is in a good mood.

Please help me to stay sane!!!

All that because was hungry!

I know that blood sugar makes a massive difference, but wow! He'd had a biscuit, an apple and a breadstick about 10 minutes earlier, but has just had a massive lunch and is now a completely different child.

blue I can identify with that, my DD3 is unbearable when she needs "proper food", a chocolate bar or a biscuit to 'keep her going til teatime' just compounds things...( the sugar surge followed by the crash I think makes it worse)
Does picking fights, being incredibly unreasonable, lashing out, shouting incessantly and refusing to listen sound familiar?

That's what mine does/ did and she is 12, and knows too about what she needs. She has said in the past to me " I'm really hungry, I don't want chocolate (she loves choc) or a biscuit. I need proper food, can I have a tuna sandwich or a jacket potato?"
A different child after eating
searching tough times for you. I'm glad you and DH are trying to work together, am I right in remembering that like many of us on here! that has been a challenge in the past hasn't it? Sometimes things have to get really bad before you take the plunge to say to someone 'things are bad I need help and we need to change something'
Oh, and Good luck for tomorrow. Will think about the demographic you will have to contend with and maybe I will post later with survival suggestions.

We have been doing Christmassy things so "peace and love to you all!"

Re the birthday party, I would think that half a dozen 3 year olds will be pretty anarchic without any 'help' from big brother.
No suggestions apart from have a cosy retreating place for whoever needs it and good luck please find the time to come back and tell us how it went

Hi letsgo - i've missed talking to you :)
Well, the party is over. On the whole it went pretty well they trashed my apartment!. DS1 was on a mission with his party lists and got us all up at 7 on the dot to start prepping for the party. He even came up with a magic show entirely by himself which he performed (more for the adults as the 2 year olds were in their own little worlds as they tend to be!). It was utter brilliance and makes me so proud of my smart and fearless little boy. But during the 2 hour party I had to remove him 5 time (FIVE TIMES) to the "cosy retreating place" in our bedroom where I had set up his lego for alone time. It is like there is someone sitting on his shoulder saying, now do it now! and he starts jumping on all the sofas and getting right up into my face, climbing behind me and kicking me and waving toys half an inch from my nose. Twice he was quite happy to be by himself, and eventually came out and played nicely for a bit. Then he ate a few too many cakes and then the next couple of times he wouldn't stay in the room and I raised my voice and then he broke down in tears and yelled at me with anger in his eyes.
Guys, it is just so exhausting. There is so much I could tell you but it is just so much. I have these heart to hearts with him now which break my heart in tiny little pieces because I really think he is struggling with something and I just don't know what. He borders on obsessive about certain things (his brother was given a gift we already have and I didn't want it opened as we might return but he was adamant it had to be opened and eventually went and opened it which I told him off for and he got so angry with me.) I asked him what was making him upset when he was in the bath and he said he was upset that DS2 didn't get to open all his presents and then started saying he didn't want to go to DS2s next birthday - he just wanted to eat the cake, play pass the parcel and then go to our bedroom to play by himself.
It kills me. He is such a lovely boy - everyone says so. I want to help him so badly.

letsgo yes, that's a pretty accurate description of how things were yesterday. Interesting about the biscuits making it worse,, and it gives me hope that your DD now recognises the signs for herself.

Searching that sounds a lot like some of the things in the Spirited Child book. Have you read that one?

searching sounds like it went well. How brilliant that your DS1 had plans that he wanted to contribute. He sounds very driven.
blue yes funny thing. I don't know the full physiological reason and it doesn't happen with all the DCs but I think it is the rapidly released glucose causes a response which is a large release of insulin. The resultant crash is a consequence of the sugar getting dealt with by the insulin. That said I really don't know, only that proper food works best for this particular child.

Hi moresnow. Would your DP be willing to forgo the hobby til you are well ? Or are you able to round up some more help? It isn't insignificant being thyroidly out of kilter. Your son will get over this bad day and so will you. Your doc should be doing blood tests to check your levels and it may take a while to get the balance right and for meds to take effect.

moresnow hope you are feeling better today, your DP sounds like a bit of a star for turning round and coming straight back.
How are the medications going? You were worried about side effects, are you managing to take them ok?
Hello to everyone else hope the Christmas madness isn't raising expectations and anxiety levels too much.

Christmas madness is definitely happening here! We have three flashpoints in the day - mornings when we need to get out of the door before a certain time, kindergarten pick ups, we're not on a deadline but he just gets SO silly when with his friend there, and bedtimes. Bedtimes probably the least problematic out of those but they're all happening.

Basically what's happening is just "wildness" - you know that thing where they won't look in your eyes or even acknowledge you and whatever you say gets met with "Don't care!" or just total ignorance and ARGH. DS was clinging onto his friend's hand the other day and they had to catch a train! I ended up carrying him but I had to put down his stuff to do so and he just lost it, sobbed and screamed and tantrumed at me all the way home "You're the worst mother ever" "Everyone is staring at you!" (I think rather they were staring at him ) "You don't understand anything about LIFE!" - but exhausting. DH says he is worried about the teenage years. I'm not fussed, TBH, if this is what he argues like, then at least I can leave him to be late for school or whatever by himself! Now I have to stay with him to cross roads etc. It's so annoying, though, especially when we're late. He'd sort of stopped doing this, so I can't remember how I used to snap him out of it.

I'm here but struggling to find time to post.

moresnow your dp sounds great to have done that round trip to bring he stuff back. And there's parenting alone and parenting alone while trapped in the house... My DT2 isn't well (though acting ok now) and we have been in alllllll afternoon since the 12pm preschool pick up and it's dire. I'm out of ideas and patience and we've not even had tea yet. I digress. I couldn't enjoy my hobby if I thought it'd be bedlam at home with everyone miserable either. I also keep finding I'm doing that too - switching into 'fight' mode too often as my patience is worn thin by something unrelated but I can't seem to just recognise it and stop it in time. Frustrating.

So the dts are closer than ever and keep telling each other "you're my best friend ". DD asks "can I be your best friend too? " and they basically shout no at her and tell her to be friends with me I'd pretty much decided to not send her to our only local village school and drive to a smaller school in the next village . Now I'm seriously rethinking as I can't stand the thought of her feeling a bit left out at home (some of the cause of all the violence?) and in the village. She'd be the only child in the playground after school not from the village school for example, so the only one not knowing people. Argh, FFS. I've even started a thread about it on here I'm so stressed about it . That is also not helping the parenting.

Oh I don't know, DS is lovely when he's ill too. And he sleeps a lot which is nice

Yeah, DD is adorable when she's ill

I'll tell you who's not adorable when she's ill: me :(

Had a shitty morning as I'm full of some sort of bug which has knocked me for six and the DCs are cutting me no slack at all. Time to reboot.

Dreaming it must be tough dealing with that - it's hard enough when the older one feels displaced by their younger sibling anyway, without having the twin issue to contend with too. I really empathise with the difficulty of the school decision too. A crystal ball would be reeeeally useful.

Moresnow I'm really glad that you have a diagnosis and I hope that the medication works well for you

Hi to everyone, sorry not to be posting much at the moment xx

This:

Megan Gunnar at the University of Minnesota has found that even infants show elevated levels of stress hormones when their parents are stressed. While all children will respond this way, your spirited child picks it up like a top-of-the-line vacuum. Truly this child is your family’s “emotional barometer.” His spill-over tantrums are a warning sign that can feel overwhelming when you are already at the end of your rope.

...from the Spirited Child reviews, is absolutely spot on. It's so hard. If DH is out of sorts, I pick up the slack. If I'm not on form, everything goes crazy. At worst, it makes me feel trapped and pissed off which doesn't help at all.