Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

Dreaming ' igluu' is very good. For the ulcers. It can be tricky getting it applied but works well as a barrier and let's you eat if you stick it on just before a meal. I can sympathise as I currently have the mother of all cold sores festering on my lip, it is valiantly fighting off the Zovirax cream I'm slathering onto it. (Sorry, TMI? )
Can I rant too? DD1 is a star, so that's good but she lives in a different city.
DD2 hasn't been doing her homework or 'remembering' that she has tests to revise for, ingredients to bring to school or anything else that is not computer or minecraft related and she "accidentally" ordered herself a new SIM card just because it was endorsed by her favourite u tube celebrities. And after being heartbroken at not getting a part in the previous school production she has got into the current one and after months of rehearsals told me today that she has told the teacher she doesn't want to be in it any more. (Just chorus part so not leaving anyone in the lurch)
DD3 has a music exam soon and is at the frustrated upset kicking over the music stand phase of scales practice.
And as for DH. He has to work on Wednesday nights so sits around all evening grumpy and playing with his battling clans on the ipad and acting like the world is ending. Meanwhile I , after also working all day, do the various club runs which tonight involved three separate runs out across and around the foggy city in the car ( plus an emergency supermarket trip with horribly depressed because I'd just torn her off a strip for forgetting that she needed food ingredients for tomorrow dd2 )
Rant over. Thanks peeps I feel much better now.
Things aren't so bad really ....Day off tomorrow

Hello - marking place. Great, interesting thread.

I have ordered a copy of No drama discipline today, so I'll let you know how I find it.

Hello fullofchoc and welcome.
Please do report back, we like a book review

Jason Manford, live at the Apollo, bbc 1 last night, I suggest catching it on i player if you can. He was very funny on parenting and it was almost like he had been reading this thread.
The phrase "psycho bipolar midgets wrecking your house" in reference to toddlers cropped up.....
Have a good day everyone

Oh letsgo I must try and watch that!! I describe mine as liek cged animals in the house. Ignore all toys and structured activities in fvour of wrestling, pulling, pushing, climbing all over the furniture and generally driving me to distraction- and of course, it always ends in tears. Always theirs, occasionally mine. Depends on th elevel of desperate I've hit and what they've damaged.

Feeling trapped at the minute too. Mine go batshit crazy for anyone else. So Sunday I went for a 47 minute run- 45 of which the DTs screamed for me (DH with them, obviously). Today I had arranged both my DM and DF to come up to have them so I could go to an afternoon training thing for a private company I'm hoping to do a bit of work for. Left to the screaming 'mummy don't gooooooo' depite prep all morning on how grandma and ga-ga (20 years divorced too...) would look after them, and mummy back at teatime. They seemed fine- til the leaving. DT1 (the refluxer) cried til he vomited. It was a difficult afternoon for my parents. I don't know whether a morning at a playgroup will help them or result in similar- and i'm not ready to leave them with strangers for them to cry til they puke I also feel like I should be enjoying being a SAHM and not worry about this separation anxiety but can't help the trapped feeling. And the guilt. For the dc, for my parents coping when they don't want to and both live over an hour drive away too. ANd today, the break was lovely. Noone screamed at me for 4 whole hours. Bliss. And I came back to screaming, nappy rash (as one DT denied a poo and my mum believed him so got v sore) and the stories of his extreme distress and vomiting- and I felt bad.

ARGH!!!!!!!!! Why does it have to be so hard?! PLus DD was up hopurs and hours of last night for unknown reasons -then slept in til 11am and of course didn't want to go to bed tongiht. I will try some more mouth ucer solutions. Thanks for the suggestions. Let the battle continue. And I must find time to read the 'when kids push your buttons' book whch has now arrived.

blue is he pre school or school? He's school isn't he? Would school nurse be any help? For at least knwoing what services there are and how you can access them?

Dreaming, playgroup might be a good idea. The people you'd be leaving them with would be used to such behaviour and may have a few tricks up their sleeves to divert attention before the vomiting stage. The DTs would, after a few sessions, have lots of learning experiences of "mummy going away" followed by "mummy (consistently) coming back"
Not much time to post, blue hope things ok today.
Check in soon.

sheepishly returning after a long break
Not that I claim to have ever left the trenches. I have been trying not to spend so much time on the phone/internet (although failing as still can waste an evening inanely trawling fb) and couldn't keep up with the volume of messages on here. But as usual, I am very glad to find you here
Tough times right now. Not really sure what the issue is as out of the blue (one refused dinner) I will let the weight of all my troubles come crashing down on me with dramatic effect to the point I forget even what it was that triggered it. Oh yes, Moroccan baked eggs. Am I really surprised that they didn't let it pass their lips?? It was really tasty though, and the little buggers went to bed with empty tummies. Again. It was a domino effect though. DS1 didn't want to try it so started arsing about with his bread making DS2 play along too. I warned him a couple of times and then raised my voice. He saw his get out. I went to take him to his room, he said "I'm going". I not so gently deposited him in his room and lost the plot with myself and everyone and everything because every weekend is a countdown with bated breath to the point when I lose it. Because I do. Every weekend. He pushes and pushes and never stops. The holy grail of a weekend with no fighting seems so far far far away. I am not really getting it across in the way I am feeling it. I'm a little desperate right now and feeling more than a little trapped in this life I chose for us. There is so much piled up in there I don't even know how to tackle it. Thanks for listening and hugs to you all.

Big hugs Searching, I have nosuggestions, but can offer my sympathy! I know exactly what you mean by being trapped in a life I chose for us. I definity resonates with me, when I'm really struggling with all four and the feeling no one is getting enough attention, and it's all because I desperately wanted a third dc (which turned out to be two).
On another note I've been reading Playful Parenting (thanks whoever suggested it) and it all makes so much sense! Even if it will never come easy to me, and it's gut inducing (I dont spend enough time playing with the kids), I found it enlightening.
Dreaming sorry to hear you're having a hard time , and

Welcome fullofchic

And hi to everyone else, sorry for inconsistent posting!

Moresnow I use pretty much the same technique, trying to give a choice. I don't think it's too bad, but I'm sure others more knowledgeable will come along soon.

So sorry to hear about your health troubles, and your kids'. Having kids in hospital is my wirst nightmare.

What dud the dr suggest about depression? I've had it and it's horrible. Goid luck with your appointment tomorrow. Be kind to yourself, no wonder you've been struggling, ut sounds like you have an awful lot on at the moment.

Ummmmm
About the choices......here is why I think it isn't a "problem" technique.
It works
You are providing clear consequences ( this has to happen before x y z can happen)
Nobody gets scared, threatened or hurt
It works
Sometimes we can over think things
It sounds though as if it has become a sort of game. Or script.
Mum says do this
Child says no
Mum says do this or we can't do that
Child says ok then.
Sorry that's all a bit of a flippant anslysis. No disrespect intended.

moresnow your health issues sound challenging. Depression, persistent virus, relentless childcare, blood tests. I hope your gp has some good suggestions (and prescriptions) to help you feel better.

I hope you don't mind me gatecrashing, use'd to post as DK. I'd really like some opinions on what I should do - not parenting per se, tis about visits to my mum.

Anyway the situation is:
My mum likes to see us once a week. Visits are usually on a Friday after she's finished work at 12.30, I visit on the weekend every month or 2 (weekends for us are really busy, including seeing others). We live 30-40mins from each other, traffic pending. Anyway I've DD (2.5) and DS (10 weeks). DD usually needs a nap around 1.30, though she can be as late as 4pm getting to sleep or sometimes fights the nap completely. She very much does still need a nap though and without it becomes extremely ratty and prone to horrific tantrums, so I've been working hard to get her back into consistently have a nap and have been having success. The trouble is my mum normally arrives around 1-1.30, so just when I need to get DD down, and there's no way in hell DD will be going to sleep if Nana's here - tis far too exciting! Asking my mum to arrive later doesn't help really as it still means her arriving about 2 and there's no guarantee DD will be asleep by then.

DD also won't sleep round Nana's as once again it's far too exciting there. I have sometimes tried to time it so she falls asleep in the car on the way there, but then she wakes up once you get her out so not usually very helpful! I also don't enjoy travelling over to my mum (which she obviously prefers) as DS will cry constantly if awake and car drives with a screaming baby are quite stressful. I do feel pressure from my mum though for me to travel more - I think this is possibly money related (though we're not rich either) - or maybe she just doesn't want to travel more than she has to (she has 2 jobs so understandable).

I'm just getting really tired of the tantrums and fussiness from DD getting overtired, they're not just little tantrums they can be really horrific. I've too much stress in my life anyway and it seems to have built up to the point where more of it instantly causes horrible backache and just a sick feeling. But then I do want DD to see her, it's just the timings are so rubbish!

I really just want others perspectives on what the fairest thing to do is for all involved or if you see any solutions that I haven't?
As I see it I could:

• just put up with it and go on as I have, DD will grow out of needing a nap soon anyway right?
• ask my mum to arrive later, say 4ish and to stay and eat with us. I doubt my mum will want to do this and it doesn't solve when I go over to her's.
• reduce the number of visits
• increase the number of weekend visits (say 2 a month) and just insist my mum comes to us during the week (preferably at a time that's given DD a chance to get to bed!)

And yes, in case anyone asks, she is my pfb

Hmm, I'm not sure with those choices, because realistically you're not going to let him sit around in a dirty nappy, and you can't let him go without his inhaler. So it's not really a choice but more a threat, just phrased in a way that makes him feel in control.

Now, I don't think that there is anything wrong with threatening a consequence for issues such as those, so I don't think it's bad at all, but it's not really a choice either. Perhaps that's the disconnect you're feeling? For important issues I'd go with it but reframe it in your own head. There is no reason to talk, negotiate or debate about nappies and medicine, there just isn't. They have to happen. They are honestly not getting mentally scarred from those exchanges.

For anyone struggling with violence, I read the other day that age 5 is the peak of physical aggression. So hang in there!! That said, DS punched me a couple of times in the last few weeks, and last week had a tantrum over carrying his bag so loudly that a policeman came over and told him off But I think it's low blood sugar - on Wednesdays they provide food at the kindergarten and they've decided on some totally ridiculous healthy eating kick which means they give them cereal, fruit and yoghurt. For the WHOLE day. There are at least 3 kids melting down at pick up time every time.

I think they also tend to get really hyped up at this time of year. The excitement of Christmas, constant stream of sweets and sugary things, bad weather leading to more time indoors. It is objectively worse than other times of the year. If you can go with that and accept it's going to happen it's easier, and January is much calmer. Drink lots of mulled wine

Tiger I think I'd say to her that the visits aren't working that well at the moment and could we consider changing the arrangement. It seems bonkers to put yourself through all of that stress. I'd do a combination of your last 3 options, ask your mum what would work best for her, if DD will stop napping soon, then you can increase the number again.

That is the danger, that if you overuse something it stops working! I keep our absolute worst sanction (losing minecraft/playstation/game privileges for a few days) for the serious things, but when DH overuses it DS gets wise to it and we end up sanctioning him more, which is a pain.

Of course sometimes stuff just stops working anyway. Argh! Sounds like you might be headed for the threenager stage too where they just like to battle for the sake of it, it seems.

Hi everyone.

Searching it's good to hear from you, but sorry that it sounds so tough still. Is it solely behaviour making you feel trapped or is there more to it? How's the job going?

Moresnow it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, there is so much going on for you at the moment. Good luck at the doctors tomorrow
For new ideas, perhaps choices which achieve what you need to happen but are actually a choice, iyswim. For example; 'DS, what would you like to play while we change your nappy? Colour spot or 10 fat sausages?' Or even just reframing the same choice: ' as soon as you've done DS we can get out and play! What shall we do first when we get out there? .

The inhaler wasn't really the point of the question, but if it causes problems does he have a volumatic? It makes it so much less yucky.

Hi ASunnyTiger . We're at the same stage with DD and I was going to suggest the same thing as Moresnow - can you take her swimming or something in the morning, fill her up with early lunch and then leave earlier than needed so she can grab an hour on the way?

Bertie hello! I LOVE that a policeman came and told him off. There's definitely more of a culture over there of other adults having a sense of responsibility over 'youth', or at least that's my (fairly limited) perception.

oops sorry moresnow just seen that you've had your docs appt already.

Yes I think so! He did wink at me as well so I think he was doing me a favour rather than judging, but DS was so wound up he barely even noticed. Sigh! Oh well :) He's having constant nosebleeds every time he gets upset (ie, every time we ask him to do something he doesn't want to!) at the moment. We put a humidifier in his bedroom, which made it look like a steam room, but then he decided that he wants to sleep with the windows wide open and four blankets instead. So, OK, fine! And he went to his first party without me, ie, off in a car with basically strangers (and no car seat!!) for four hours. He had a whale of a time, but was unimpressed by the choice of film (sing-a-long-a Frozen).

Today has been bad. Or to be more precise, one particular half-hour of today was really bad and the rest was fairly normal. Lost it hideously with DS1 over what I perceived at the time to be deliberate and stubborn rudeness. Looking at it now, though, I can see a lot of the other factors that played into it and that I shouldn't have taken it so personally. I feel hopeless at the moment, that I'll never get a grip on my emotions enough to help him with his. :(

Have namechanged. Been reported to SS. Terrified. DH thinks they'll take the kids away, but I've been told they won't. But I don't know what will happen next. Please help me not to panic.

Oh no Crisis :( What happened? Have a look here for balanced and not scaremongering information, some MNers set it up this year because they were fed up with the current situation, which is that SS give little/no information, parents understandably panic, SS interpret this all wrong, lots of info from dodgy sources says to do totally the wrong things.
www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/

Of course it depends on the situation, but they do absolutely try to keep families together and offer support. It's not only better for the children, it's much cheaper for them than to find foster placements, paperwork, etc.

What have they said so far?

Lost my temper, hit DS1 harder than I meant to, caught him in the wrong way and it left a bruise. I'm hoping that this will be a way I can get help, which is what the person I spoke to said, but DH doesn't trust them to react sensibly or do anything supportive.

crisis that sounds horrible. I do hope you get the RL support you need. I have no advice I'm afraid as I've no experience of SS involvement but I hope that candour about what happened, understanding professionals and the love you have for your children will all help you to get you what help you need.