Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

For calming down/preventing parental explosions then we also send to room but I have found that a token sanction works well for rudeness, so 30 min screen ban for every comment/name calling. Sometimes I catch myself and say "Try again, I don't listen to rude people" but if that doesn't work then screen ban it is. It's not like it's a majorly upsetting or feared thing but it's annoying enough to make him stop and think, or it seems to be.

*fait accompli. Should have googled first

Bertie my ds would be in negative screen time! He does t get much chance for screen time during the week due to after school activities etc. will try to think of something similar. I like the try again, not listening to rude people line though. Thanks

Giving them a chance to start a whole exchange over again is a brilliant tool that I don't use often enough. Especially helpful when they start off on the wrong foot and it escalates with you both getting more and more irritated by the other. It interrupts that and gives a chance to start again with a second's thought first.

Descriptive praise for best reader = "Wow, you're doing really well with/getting really good at reading!" I think "best" is a little bit too comparative which is unhelpful.

I always feel slightly guilty when I hear that you shouldn't use sarcasm with children because DH and I practically speak it as a second language, especially DH. But I think what people mean is "don't use sarcasm to criticise or put children down" which we don't do. More in a humourous way. And they do understand it if exposed to it enough - DS can tell when DH is being sarcastic more easily than I can! He calls it "joking" or "sartastic"

I would highly recommend the second chance idea too. We tend to call it 'action replay' and DS really gets it. It's a brilliant let out clause if he's said/done something rude or annoying and I know that he knows what he's done, but he can't back down. I'll just say something lighthearted like 'oops... Action replay??!' and that's often all it takes for him to give me a kind of sorry half grin and make it right.

probably just totally outed myself

second chance also a great learning/teaching tool. i try to remember to give them time to comply before going off on one...sorry, one-handed, will be back

Bertie it does work thank you. On our way from daycare Ds slept so i told Dd to chose what we would do outside instead of going in. We went to a play area next to us and i just gave her all my attention. She loved it and i have to be honest that i enjoyed that little time with her without distractions. Turns out if i am not on my phone, busy with the baby the shouting is barely there, even the chatting was managable:)

Until we got into amdiscussion about Frozen. I have never watched the movie but that let it go song is everywhere. Dd was singing Larry go Larry go:). I made the mistake of pointing out that it is wrong. She was laughing later though..taking her out tomorrow and she is going to be given the opportunity to chose some of her little brother's clothes. Will be fun.

Slightly better day here too. I got into frantic irritable snappy mummy mode trying to get dd to preschool on time. It didn't work. At all. And in fact we were 45 minutes late (to a 3 hour session ) BUT after that, the rest of the morning with just the twins was a doddle. Stayed calm throughout a 'nip' to sainsburys (ha. Like I can nip anywhere with 2 two year olds) . DTs did not leg it into the road.as has been.their wont recently- thank goodness as it's busy, unlike where we live. Friends round for lunch. Chaotic but no dc issues. Afternoon ok with a visit to the neighbours. I must stop using her garden as another playground. She doesn't kind but it was different when the dc were younger and I couldn't physically supervise 2 16 month old and a 2 year old who wasn't very competent but really now it's much easier and I can but hey Ho, neighbours have a trampoline and guinea pig= dc bliss. I have just had to lie with dt1 at bedtime but most likely due to missing his reflux meds the last 2 day- for stupid reasons too. I'm. Not expecting a peaceful evening now though... The moral of my story is I am.now convinced the rivalry/competitiveness is my biggest issue.

It has all paled into insignificance though as my dsis is really quite unwell with a large blood clot in her lungs and in a lot of pain and struggling to breathe so I have been able to let a lot go today Worrying. She's fit, healthy and in her late twenties so why the eff has she suddenly in the last week had sudden onset back pain and a big clot?! Anyway. Back to the dc. I am.going to make every 5 minutes count. I do very rarely have just one with me though, usually at least 2. Less phone time helps a lot.

mandbaby it's official. You get a medal for pulling some good calm days out of the bag at this stage.

Oh and the co-parenting. I'm a lot more uptight and less patient when dh is around despite me trying to bring him round to my gentler (ha! Well, I'm trying) ways. I find managing his expectations hard.

Hugs to all those in need of them. Dreaming that must be really worrying with your Dsis so poorly. Sounds horrendous!

Blessed - that reminds me of when we were at Starry Skies festival this summer. They put on a kids' talent show, which the kids and I had no idea about beforehand (when they were drumming up volunteers to perform) thank God . There were so many acts where the 4/5/6 year olds got up and sang Let It Go. There were some hilarious mondegreens and malpropisms happening, it was really hard not to laugh!

I've had a pretty good week, all told. I've got up early each school day, to make sure that it's not a mad rush to get everyone up and ready for school/nursery/work etc (as mad rush = stress = shouting/hot tempers). It's worked pretty well I think, so I'll be continuing to do that.
I've managed to not scream and shout at the girls AT ALL all week long. DD2 has been tough going (she's only 5 and she's finding the first term back at school the usual hard slog) as she's been tired and so horribly grumpy and rude. Each time a meltdown has been looming, I've sent her to her room to calm down for 10 minutes. It's worked pretty well.
I haven't shouted or screamed at DS for the majority of the week - today I shouted at him twice but both times were justified I think. The first time was when I walked into the playroom (having been preparing his lunch in the kitchen) to find him attempting to scale the ceiling height bookshelf (luckily it's bolted to the wall, otherwise would have been disastrous). It was less of a telling off shout and more of a warning shout. He stopped immediately so it did the trick and then I just sat him down and explained to him why it was dangerous. The second time I shouted was when we were all in the paddocks after school and I was poo-picking. We've just had a concrete slab laid in the top paddock (to put stables on) and have shut the sheep and pony down in the bottom one so that they don't stand on the concrete whilst it's setting hard. I was just emptying the wheelbarrow at the bottom of the field when I looked up to see DS standing waiting for me with the dividing gate WIDE OPEN, and all the animals slowly making their way to freedom. I had to yell really loudly to him to shut it but I think I was justified in that because of the distance I was from him - he wouldn't have heard me otherwise!
So, all in all, I think this week hasn't been too bad at all. Having said that - I've been on my period too so am usually much more calm and serene around this time in my cycle. We'll see how the rest of the month goes before I can pat myself on the back properly!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend and wishing mandbaby lots of luck with the new baby, which I'm assuming is now here or will be imminently!

Hello everyone!
Sorry to have disappeared again! I feel I would like to contribute more meaningfully (is that a word? ) to the discussion, but it requires more energy than I can muster! Apologies!
Welcome to all the newcomers.

Special greetings to madand hope baby's here by now!

Dreaming, so sorry to hear about your sister, that sounds vedy worrying. Xx

As for us, we're doing ok, largely thanks to our lovely new aupair, who is helping me loads, in more ways than she's aware of: Having constant audience around forced me to look for different strategies rather than shouting, to avoid bandhee scenes in front of her .
On top of that dd1&2 are hardly arguing these days. They both adore her, and she has totally changed the dynamics between them in a way I wasn't expecting. Which makes for a much calmer household overall

This despite me feeling like a hamster on a wheel with 3 lots of school runs 3 times a week (as opposed to 2 the other two days) each a 15 min drive, plus I've just started doing a bit of work again.
But they are all at school/ nursery everyday. That is a huge breathing space for me. (Even though it is largely spent doing housework/cooking/shopping at least I'm able to do all that without 2 toddlers around)

I hope I don't come across as smug, I have lots of help and I wouldn't be anle to cope otherwise!!

Re books, I've just started reading Playful Parenting, which I think is good, and I'm sure it works, but this turning everything into a game is so alien to me. I struggle to put into practice. I'm tend to be very straightforward and practical and part of me thinks: "why can't you just do what needs to be done without me turning into a clown?" , maybe it comes from my upbringing? But I can see why it would work. Must try harder!

Right, sorry if this was very me me, I read you all and take everything in, but there is always so much interesting stuff on this thread, by the time I've processed it, you've all moved on

Happy calm weekend everyone!

That is a huge pist, sorfy!

Post, sorry,

And the prize for the post sounding most like a line from eighties comedy "allo allo" goes to ctc for her 'huge pist'

dreaming I hope your sis is feeling better by the time you read this. I can understand you want to know why this would happen in a fit and healthy young woman. Hope things get resolved with full return to health for her x
Well done for your good day ( only had the two year old twins to manage so it was easy super mum super mum supermum!!!)

I got a new book out of the library yesterday. Written by a slightly smug so far psychologist but will post a review of it if I think it is a good one , once I've read it.

another I know what you've been reading with your "action replays"!

Apart from ongoing marital decorating rows all is fine here.....

squirreling the 'shouting' you describe sounds totally reasonable under the circumstances. Well done on your good week

Re: let it go from frozen, we've got the piano music and my youngest can play it on the piano and was really chuffed the other day as she had played it at school and all her classmates spontaneously joined in and sang along. (Not very stealth boast!)

Haha letsgo yep you've got me - I thought you might recognise it!! I'm still reading it, I'm finding it a bit rambly in some ways (parent absence? Deal with it! Stick to your limits! Divorce? Deal with it! Stick to your limits! New sibling? Deal... etc etc) but in amongst all that there are little gems of real usefulness - I actually think I might finish this one (it's How To Be A Better Parent). Thanks again for the recommendation.

Claires that sounds so much more manageable! Great news

I agree squirrell that those shouts were necessary - short of carrying a whistle around with you there are occasions when there just aren't any alternatives!

Hi everyone. Just a quickie from me as I type this while bf`ing my beautiful little girl who arrived safe and well early yesterday morning. It's hard to imagine me ever yelling at her and I'm going to try and remember this when I'm tempted to shout at the boys. She's just so precious, as are my boys. Just bigger versions.

Oh yay!!! Congratulations mandbaby!!

Ohhhh mandbaby congratulations!!!

What fantastic news and what a lovely post. Thanks for updating us xx

moresnow sorry to hear you're still expressing :( how did your DS react to the formula?

Oh that was another post I had to re type and forgot to say... claires it's great to hear from you. That sounds fantastic and much more manageable. You moved house didn't you, is the school run to new schools?

mandbaby many congratulations to you, your DH and your lovely boys on the arrival of your baby. Thank you for finding the time to update us on your wonderful news.

congratulations mandbaby - sounds blissful. New baby, how gorgeous.

My children are driving me around the bend - DD2 is a nightmare at the moment, making horrendous mess everywhere, refusing to do as she is asked. Just awful. And DD1 is an utter pain at times too; we have finally banned her completely from going outside with the chickens as she is just incapable of not chasing them/picking them up/putting them in pots and it isn't fair to them. She knows the rules (and I make her repeat them back to me every time she goes outside - and she is able to remember to put on her wellies) but just cannot or will not stop tormenting them. And this always leads to arguments, shouting and escalates from there. So I have decided to ban her from being with them. She can be so difficult at times, arguing back, threatening us, yelling, doing things calculated to annoy like putting her feet in your face, Aaargh! am venting just