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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

my partner smacked my dd

456 replies

majormug · 07/09/2006 23:03

help.... the other night my partner smacked my daugter because she licked her hands after she had eaten a doughnut..... he had told her not to and told her to go wash her hands.... temptation got the better of her and she licked them. i giggled because its the sort of thing i would do. it was a smack not a tap. he isnt in my good books anyway.... long story but we havent been together long and even her daddy wouldnt smack for something so trivial. he is always getting at her.... on a recent holiday she went through a 'dribbly' phase (how else do i put it.... little accidents' he went mad... took away privaledges and i had to turn my head whilst i cried. i know that this is def NOT the way to treat her or deal with her but our relationship is very fragile...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Cassoulet · 14/09/2006 15:04

majormug majormug majormug

Please think again.
What has happened is not your fault.
Feeling helpless is not your fault.
Feeling scared is not your fault.

Please get out.

Anything he does from here on in could be avoided. He will get worse. Your daughter will suffer, and suffer more, and suffer more, and more, and more and more and more.

If you go now, you still have supportive friends to help you. You won't have them forever, one day you'll find that they're not there anymore.

If you go now you are saving your daughter from further and worse abuse.

If you go now you are giving your daughter a greater chance to recover from what she has suffered already.

If you go now you will be helping yourself to recover.

If you go now you will be able to hold your head up, look yourself in the eye and say 'I did the right thing no matter how hard it was'.

If you go now you and your dd have a chance at a happy life together.

If you don't go, scrub all the above. Doing nothing now means the awfulness that you are letting yourself and dd in for is your responsibility.

Please, I have immense sympathy for your plight. So do many others. majormug, please leave.

there should be an icon for crying.

majormugsfriend · 14/09/2006 15:12

tiredemma thanks for that, I will pass the number on. I texted her earlier to let her know the MN ladies are asking after her. I'm trying to get her to speak to someone who deals with DV, I don't think me or others screaming at her what to do will work because she will just retreat and isolate herself.
cowmad I feel that calling social services is not the answer here, I do understand how you feel but 'majormug' has to find the strength to make the right decision herself & I hope she will.

tiredemma · 14/09/2006 15:16

she could also approach her health visitor or practice nurse confidentially- although if she does mention the dp smacking the child - they are obliged by law to inform SS. But if she makes enquiries about herself- then they may help her with info regards a refuge.

but womensaid will be of more help than you can possibly imagine.

majormugsfriend · 14/09/2006 15:21

Thanks tiredemma, I have sent her the number, here's hoping she calls them.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 14/09/2006 15:25

Felt I just had to offer my support. It took me ages to end a very bad relationship (fortunately no kids) but I knew it was over but it kept dragging on and on. MM you do not NEED a man, find lovely things to do on your own with your DD. Your earlier post when you mentioned going to a Wackyhouse and possibly meeting a single dad there makes me think that you are going from one relationship to another because you think you need a bloke. Take time out to be yourself and gain your own self esteem. There are many horrible predators out there who sniff out nice people like you to bully to make themselves feel better. By being on your own for a while you'll develop a better sense of yourself and will grow to be more confident and thus be able to spot these gits more easily.

MMF please please please pass these threads on to MM. We are all rooting for her and her DD.

cowmad · 14/09/2006 15:26

wrong wrong wrong mmf
thinking about if i report this myself...

tortoisesdonotwearshoes · 14/09/2006 15:34

cowmad ss were involved in my situation for a long time.It wasn't until my ds had another bruise that they took the ds's to their dad.
They do not always find out the situation.

majormugsfriend · 14/09/2006 15:38

Don't know how you'd do that cowmad without knowing any details. Cowmad you do not know all the facts, I'll guess from your posts that you have not dealt with SS (not in our local area anyway), or had to help a friend dealing with DV & depression, thankyou for your concern for my friend but you can stop the constant badgering to report to SS, I am not going down that road.
Thanks to those who have offered support and constructive advice, I'm going to print this thread and take it to her tonight as I don't know how long it will be until she has access to a PC again, and I think it will do her good to know that others are thinking of her.

cowmad · 14/09/2006 15:39

maybe the police can ask for mnet help to trace

dinosaur · 14/09/2006 15:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cowmad · 14/09/2006 15:45

how many people stood next to poor victoria climbe in church every week

cowmad · 14/09/2006 15:50

will not do anything till i have thought this thru a few hours

majormugsfriend · 14/09/2006 15:50

I think it's time for me to leave this thread...

tortoisesdonotwearshoes · 14/09/2006 15:52

Please keep us informed mmf.
Good luck to mm.Im thinking of her.

bluejelly · 14/09/2006 15:52

Cowmad calm down, this is not anything like victoria climbie.
MM needs support not terrifying.

cowmad · 14/09/2006 15:52

how do you know?

tiredemma · 14/09/2006 15:53

cowmad- what can you do? even if you did - somehow manage to alert the local authorities,- SS, you yourself have not seen anything and only have a thread from a internet forum as a complaint.

mm has had lots of info from here, and im sure that those who have posted on here as friends would without doubt alert SS if they thought that that was the only solution.

I dont agree with it entirely myself, and dread to think about how that little girl is, but really- there is nothing that we can do - except help mm make the RIGHT decision- which we all know-is to get the hell away from that man.

bluejelly · 14/09/2006 15:56

Cowmad-- I don't know, but from what I have read there is no evidence to suggest that this is anything like the climbie case. That involved horrendous sustained and vile abuse over many months, which ultimately ended in Murder. Not saying this situation is great, but I don't think you are helping MM by comparing two very different circumstances.
Sorry that's just my opinion.

bluejelly · 14/09/2006 15:56

foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 16:10

oh it's such an awful cycle

I imagine the major problem majormugsfriend, is majormug's lack of self esteem. If she could stand up for herself, then she'd be out of there like a shot. But depression does horrible things to people and if she's feeling shit about herself, I doubt she will do anything about her situation.

Is there anyway you could arrange some counselling for her - more under the guise of trying to improve her self esteem/self confidence? Honestly, I doubt she will be able to work up the courage to leave unless her self esteem improves and if she is forced to leave, I fear she will be easy prey for the next bully/abusive bloke who shows up.

Tillyboo · 14/09/2006 16:32

I've read thru this thread and there has been some excellent support and advice given. I don't mean to offend anyone but I agree with another posting - I'm not convinced majormugs friend is not actually majormug herself ?
If majormug has family why the hell haven't they gone round and read the riot act to the bully shite? If that was me in the same position my parents would drag me, or at least my dd, out of danger come hell or high water.
I know someone who revels in her own problems and in some perverse way enjoys the drama, sympathy and attention that comes with it BUT we are talking about a childs safety here and that should be paramount. I cannot for the life of me understand any mother allowing their child to be in an environment that is dangerous through choice. There are lots of options open to mmug and their really is no excuse for not protecting her child. She should be ashamed putting herself before the safety of her own child. I would lay down and die for my dd and it breaks my heart to read all this.
Why has mmug gone quiet ? Has she got bored with all the 'hoo ha' she has created. We are all here worrying ourselves about how the little girl is and she hasn't got the balls to come back on & update us all. I hope she's seen the 'Fullstop' ads on the tele, it may just make her think !
Mmug - if you are reading this, why post something if you were not prepared to listen or take advice?
I hope you have a change of heart

majormugsfriend · 14/09/2006 16:52

Tillyboo I can assure you that 'majormug' & I are two different people, and you have got her completely wrong. IMO it took a lot of courage for her to come on here in the first place and verbalise (albeit virtually) what is happening. Sometimes people don't want to listen, they just want to get things off their chest. I hope it is the first step in her recovery.

?If majormug has family why the hell haven't they gone round and read the riot act to the bully shite??
Her parents (IMO) are very selfish and only like to see her when things are going well, they 'can't be doing' with any problems so she doesn't really have any support there.

?Why has mmug gone quiet ? Has she got bored with all the 'hoo ha' she has created.?
She can't come on here and update you all after the 'hoo-haa' as you call it, because her only access to a pc is at her fella's house, and so it is actually a good thing that she's not on MN, because it means she is staying away from his house.

JennyLee · 14/09/2006 17:00

Cowmad if you do that no one in a similar situation will come on mumsnet anymore in case they get the ss involved before they can take care of the situation themselves, and there are a lot of similar stories of bullying like tydye for example and yet you are not threatening to call the ss on her? ( and you should not, was just an example)you cant do that, mumsnet is meant to help women and support them, no wonder majormug has gone do you think she will ask for further advice now? is not helping although I can see you do care.

JennyLee · 14/09/2006 17:04

Majormug we are not all against you, if it is easier try and distance yourself from the man first and keep him away from your daughter and don't let him tell her off, and then if you get stronger you might be able to end it as honestly it is not going to get better, only worse as he will get used to treating her like that and think he has the right too. maybe you could tell him he does not have to tell her anything as she is your child and so disipline is only your domain.

divastrop · 14/09/2006 20:58

mmf-ur right,she came on here to say how she was feeling,which showed that she has realised what happened was wrong and the relationship can't go on.but i also know from experience that is only a first step,and it may take time for her to get the strength to leave for good.those who said mm needs to build her self esteem etc are right,some of the posts on here will make her feel worse and then she will carry on thinking she doesnt deserve any better.it could go on for yrs before ss get involved and her dd will be taken away.
but with support and help she can get out herself and she and dd will have the happiness they deserve.

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