slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

I agree with cazboldy. I can't imagine planning to hit my children, but have found that it makes them release the grip when they're biting you

kittywits, actually I wasn't suggesting that the OP had anger management issues, she said it herself. I am surprised that you think that her remarks are funny. but there you go, your sense of humour seems a little off to me, but feel free to mock the OP's request for help.
the more I think about it, the odder I think it is to require "unquestioning obedience" in your children. I mean, that seems positively antediluvian. do you think that learning unquestioning obedience will make them happy? will it equip them for the adult world?
I want many things for my children but the ability to obey orders without question seems only likely to equip thm for life in a military dictatorship.

There is a big difference between what you say and what a kid hears.
If you hit them, you may be saying "this is wrong, do not do it", or "this is dangerous".

A kids may well "hear" "I'm a big person, do this ort get hurt. Big people have the right to hit smaller ones.".
Kids work out well before 7 that a lot of the commands they are given are for the convenience of people who can impose their will by force, rather than some moral imperative.

People are typically ruder to kids than adults, but require them to show "respect".
The shortest path to a child understanding that is that if you're big you can be rude, and often that to be "big" you need to be rude.

calzbady. you have me confused with someone else, although I seem to be the general target no matter what's said. i haven't got a clue what you're talking about I'm afraid.

liquidclocks in the situation you describe I would explain to the child why his behaviour was wrong and why I don't want him to do it again.
I would use the tone of my voice to express this.
I have no idea why it would be necessary to hit him as well. I would very much hope that a child would respect me enough that I didn't have to hit him to put my message across.
If you are hitting a child at the age of four to get your message across, what will you be doing when they are young adults?

well kittywits I definitely don't have you confused with someone else.
it was definitely you who said the OP's remarks that she thought she had anger management issues were funny.
oh yes, a harassed and isolated mother at the end of her tether slapping her two year old in anger. and asking for help to control her anger.
that's hilarious isn't it? why didn't I see that before.

ironically I have just smacked my 2 nearly 3 year old for biting my 4 year old at the dinner table in an argument over a cheese grater.
Biting is a smackable offensive especially when it draws blood. No time for wishy washy reasoning and explaining, she's 2 not 20.

Yawn harpsi, I said other people saying she had anger managment issues was funny. READ the post properly PLEEEAAASe it will save us alot of time. I'm getting fed up with having discussions with people who either

1. make up what I have said
2. read completley silly meaningings into what I have said
3. Don't actually bother reading WHAT I have said and then having a go.

do you really think there is no point in trying to explain anything to a nearly three year old? and that the best (the only?) way to teach her that she shouldn't inflict pain on other people is to inflict pain on her?

harpsichordcarrier.

Unquestioning obedience? read my post of 11 minutes past 5.

ds1 severely autistic has done that running off with me having to leave the pram a few times. He last did it when he was about 5- and almost ended up in front of a car. Ever since then he has worn a harness when out and about near traffic (he's 7 now). Smacking absolultely wouldn't work with him,

DS2 4 is allowed to walk or run as long as he waits on the pavement. Any funny business he is threatened with "I will put you on ds1's belt" (his belt is his harness) which usually does the trick.

For impulsive behaviours- from long and very weary experience prevention is usually better than telling them off afterwards.

and kittywits, if ds had bitten anyone, I would have done the same.

He was never a biter thank god.

goodness me kittywits you really are a very rude and aggressive person aren't you?
my point is that the OP said herself she had anger management issues.
do you think that you know better than her?or do you just think that her opinion is hilarious?

yes clumsy mum I read your post.
I think unquestioning obedience is a disqueting thing to wish for your children.

really clumsymum, if your child had bitten someone you would have bitten him?
and what would that have taught him?
what would have been your purpose?
that biting is wrong? but OK if you're an adult biting a child?

If by young adults you mean a high school age child, I would expect them to know better than to run into a busy road, unlike a 4 year old who has no concept of the danger. Btw I also think reins and wrist straps are dangerous. Not only that but by putting reins on a 4 year old you're actually taking away their independence and opportunities for learning to make good safe decisions. I want my children to be confident, independent and aware of their surroundings sothey don't have to rely on me all the time.

When I say stop or no I want an instant response and I want to feel confident that I will have an obedient child when I leave the house. Not because I want a dog, but but because I want to be sure of my child's safety and the safetyof those around him.

My hope is that by instilling good discipline when my children are small I will not need to cotinue smacking them as they grow up - ad actually if you've read my posts you will realise that I hope not to have to smack at all, I'm just reaslistic enough to realise that I'll probably encounter (hopefully rare) situations where it appears to be the only thing that will work.

Yes and everyone leapt in . Instead of saying something like "sorry you feel that way,but really you're just a mum of a young child and you get angry because you're human etc. etc." they went on to say how bad smacking was, how how she could help her issues and how they manage not to smack. The whole thrust of it was not going to make her feel better about herself fhs.
what I think IS fuuny is not the issues she feels she has but the way she was responded too.

Harpsi why can't you see that there is only so much falsehood I can take before I start to get annoyed. And I've taken alot and been pretty patient with it. That is now running out.

Thanks clumsymum

JimJams - I totally get that smacking would be inappropriate for your DS1 going from what you've written about him as he'd not understand at all. I too hope that the 'threat' of being restrained would stop a dangerous situation arisig but I have to be open to the possibility that it may not as kids do tend to push the boundaries at least once or twice just to see if mummy's serious - and sometimes once would be enough.

kittywits - gracious I have no idea what you mean by falsehoods?!? honestly, I have no idea what you might mean. I certainly haven't engaged in any "falsehoods". I have read your posts very carefully.

I think it might be that you have "anger management" issues of your own kittywits . Imo from this thread you seem to lose patience very quickly and have a very short fuse. I don't think the OP was hoping for people to make her feel better about herself. She was hoping for avice about her situation and help to stop slapping her child. I am sorry that you find it so difficult to see any point of view but your own and find it so difficult to understand the position of the OP i.e. she doesn't want to smack. she find it upsetting and she feels guilty. just because you don't, surely you must see that this thread is about the OP's feelings and not your own?

kittywits, smacking your child for biting is simply lazy parenting. You just need one or two consequences (they DON'T need to involve long explanations) that show the child they have behaved in a way you don't tolerate. You just need to think of one or two things to do that don't involve hitting your child. All you are teaching them if you smack is that you can't or are not willing to think your way round simple everyday parenting.

also, something occurs to me. If you say it is not worth explaining to a early three year old why something is wrong, then maybe you underestimate your three year old? or underestimate your abilities to articulate in a simple enough manner.
it is perfectly possible to explain something like "you must not bite, it is painful and you must not do it again." and giving the child some time to think about why they should not do it again. and to apologise for their behaviour.
this has absolutely nothing to do with supernanny or anyone on the telly btw. but I have been practising this form of discipline with dd1 since well before her second birthday.

V Funny harpsi
Ok Falsehoods means that since I ist posted on this thread people have constantly and I mean constantly accused me of saying/ meaning/ infering things that I haven't.
They have obviously come away with a feeling based on their disaproval of my views, but their comments about my ideals and their assumptions about my family are not based on anything I have said.
So Harpsi if you consider that after a protracted time of being attacked and at times abused that I have anger managment issues because I am now pretty pissed of with it,then yes you are right.
Do I understand then that you could endure all this and still be smiling? I wouldn't beleive it harpsi.

My mother expected "unquestioning obedience" from me, and got it using physical punishments. My "unquestioning obedience" came because I was terrified of her. I'm 43 now, and she still terrifies me. I find reasoned discussion difficult even now, because I was never given the chance to question her or what she did. If I questioned her, or asked why I was being punished, I got some more.

That's not what I want for my child, and that's why I don't hit my dd. The idea of my child being "unquestioningly obedient" frightens me horribly.

And now I'm parping myself because this subject is one I find very distressing.

well kittywits I don't know about what other people have implied.
but I wonder why you think that gives you justification to be rude and aggressive to me?