slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

Anticipate when this kind of behaviour occurs and avoid situations where it happens. Keep a diary of stressful incidents.

Count to 1000 if necessary and yes, give yourself time out.

You are right, the issue is not the smacking, it is how you deal with bad behaviour and manage your own anger.

Smacking is NOT illegal. Abuse is illegal.

For anyone looking for ways to discipline other than smacking I really like 'the pocket parent'. It's in really short sectionsso easy for a busy parent and very easy tonavigate yourself to the right section depending on the nature of the misbehaviour.

i wholeheartedly agree with custy's post.her points in her post were exactly how i was brought up and its never done me any harm,and it wont do my children either.
well done custy for an excellent post

I've never smacked dd ever and she has never drawn on the walls as I asked her not to and explained that it is paper you draw on not walls and furniture.
Plus I kept pencils and crayons out of reach unless supervised.

I did used to smack ds for the emergency things, like running out ont the road, plugs, fires.
There is 9 years between my 2 kids and in that 9 years I learned better ways to parent.
I really regret not being better informed and having better parenting skills when younger that could have prevented me from smacking my son. IMHO smacking children is lazy parenting

Custy is the English version of Dr. Phil.

'You're the boss here, not the child!'

I didn't say smacking is illegal although I do support the NSPCC 'full stop' campaign. Leaving a mark is illegal. How awful is that, that someone must assess what exactly 'leaving a mark' is?

I was smacked (occasionally) by my father and it taught me to be afraid of him.

Pamina "My 13 month old baby was slapped by a 3 year old boy at the weekend, in the under 2s area of a soft play centre . It's highly possible that he learned that behaviour from being slapped by his parents and felt that it was acceptable for a bigger person to hit a smaller one. "

Sorry this child could just as easily have grown up in a non smacking home. 3 year olds are still learning, and may not be 3 anyway- v hard to judge ages accurately.

I don't smack, but ds3 does (his brothers). Neither ds1 or ds2 have, ds3 is just a much more physical child. nothing to do with what he sees us doing (probably everything to do with being a 3rd child).

Is it ok to hit toddlers because they are small and weak? If I hit my 12 yr old, he would probably has the strength to hit me back and knock me out!

No I don't smack a baby/toddler. I will when he's older if he misbehaves to the the point where other discipline methods have failed. It will be a final resort, it will never be done in anger which is why it's important it doesn't happen until he is old enough to understand why he is being smacked andremeber the action that led to it.

My son was also hit a few months ago by a 2 1/2 year old girl whoI know isn't smacked. However, she often hits other children, the reason she does it is because she's learned she can do it without being told off. Children naturally hit/bite because they don't understand not to, that's why we need to teach them and when they're so little, of course that should be done verbally because thay wouldn'tunderstand anything else. What really pisses me off are parents who say 'oh s/he is too young to understand' - that's just an excuse for poor discipline.

Pamina,

My son used to hit smaller children when he was about 2 1/2. He hadn't learnt this from me (I was a non-smacker at the time) It is one of the things that most toddlers try for themselves.

I used to say a sharp no, and remove him from the situation. I have to say, it carried on for ages until he grew out of it.

Blimey pamina I hope she is OK.
Suffering, I find with dd (who is three and like many other toddlers discussed on this thread, knows her own mind, I can usually manage her without smacking, although I have to physically prevent her doing dangerous/damaging stuff occasionally.
I find a mix of techniques works - house golden rules (first of which is no hitting), time-out if rules are broken, some diversion, but above all explanation. IME they are shrewd enough at around 2 and a half to start processing explanations of why some behaviours are wrong and what the consequences are if they do them.
You have to repeat ad nauseam but that in itself helps me defuse my anger (and I do have a short fuse).
I find the suggestion that children who have never been corporally punished are aggressive and ill-disciplined quite odd. My children are often complimented on their manners and are not verbally or physically aggressive in the slightest.
I have in fact smacked both of them a couple of times when they were toddlers and it was knowing I did it out of anger that made me stop.
It just didn't work for me because I only ever resorted to it when I had already handled a situation badly and knew it.
That I think it is barbaric to hit anyone smaller than me and a very bad example to small children is another matter I guess.

I am an active supporter of the NSPCC and if that charity thinks legislation to outlaw smacking in England is worth pursuing, with its huge collective experience of child welfare issues, then that is good enough for me.

Message withdrawn

Thanks clumsymum, that's exactly what I do at the moment. After that incident my son started hitting me - I'm sure it was because he'd been hit and didn't see the girl get told off. Took me a week or so to stop him again. Since then, he's not hit at all and the staff at his nursery have commented how they've never seen him hit, bite or snatch - unusual for a boy his age.

great post Custy

ds3 starts nursery next week- he'll be the youngest there but I am fully expecting him to seek out older children to hit if they are holding toys he wants. A 3 year old doesn't yet understand about smaller children etc. Is your 13 month old your first? When ds1 was 13 any child 2 + seemed enormous, they're not they're babies as well (and at 2 ds1 was often mistaken for 3).

Outlawing smacking will not stop abuse. Outlawing sex with under 16's did not stop paedolphilia. Outlawing rape does not stop it happening etc etc you get the idea.

ggglimpopo - absolutely agree that's not on.

One of my reasons for being so firm (verbally) with DS is because he is big for his age (85th percentile) and I'd be very worried about him hurting another child. The sad thing is that not all parents are as concientious and my son has been on the receiving end too often. He's never retaliated - he just looks sad and makes himself into a ball

It won't stop it, sure, but it will make it easier to prosecute people who beat their children. Why bother having any laws at all if they don't have 100% deterrence rates?

Custy, that's more or less what I said hundreds of posts ago. I agree with you

oh well sounds like they needed to be suprvising him more- still disagree that he must have learned it from home though. I think the ages thing can cause problems sometimes. I had ds1 (7) playing in a 4 and under section recently- outside not in- but didn't really have any choice- a lot of the stuff for his age group wasn;t appropriate for him. Would stick to him like glue though in those situations.

So you think the majority of parents in this country who do smack should be criminalised?

Shall we talk about some of the other things parents do that damage or hinder the development of their children? I know, lets criminalise parents who allow their children to become obese - or prents who refuse to vaccinate their children - or parents who don't help their children with their homework.

What would make it easier to prsecute parents who abuse their children is better gathering of evidence. The whole point of a smack is that it doesn't leave a mark so wouldn't provide any 'evidence' anyway. And imagine the trauma of the child who's loving caring parent is taken away by the police - or if they the child are taken into care. Oh, I really don't want to get into this debate. I think I've made my views clear.

Smacking for a misdemeamour and beating your children are a hundred miles apart.

There are already laws to stop child beating, as with all other forms of child abuse. If the law starts prosecute for smacks, then is it going to also prosecute parents who allow their children to become obese (because that is much more emotionally damaging, and life threatening than smacking a defiant child)?

Please stop confusing a smack, which is given after a warning, in a measured way by a concerned parent, with uncontrolled beating carried out in an angry rage