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Advice sought on VERY reserved/hesitant 6 y.o dd

157 replies

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:08

dd often appears dis-associated from what's going on around her..seems to live 'inside her own head' and sees the outside world as a bit of nuisance. Manifests in refusal to communicate on a fairly basic level at times ( when asked name, age etc, just ignores question, or mumbles an answer) - does have the ability, but chooses to not use it. Had always a 'far away' look, even as a v. young child, but now am more concerned as she gets older. eg in toy shops she stays firmly by my side, no spontaneity, and only seems to choose something out of 'duty'.
Have raised this with her mum, who remains in a denial over it despite the obvious evidences. OTher mums I know concur with me.
DO NOT wish for her mum to do/say anything differently, but am asking for any gambits/techniques/lines of approach I may use when out with her, or at my home?
This may raise some basic questions about life-arrangements, and if anyone wishes to enquire or offer a perspective, I am very open to expaining anything. Anyone??

OP posts:
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VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:19

How old is she?

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:21

6 y.o. - is slightly small for herage, but nothing dramatic

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imaginaryfriend · 12/08/2006 23:22

panboy, hi!

How does she cope at school and with friends? What are her passions, I mean what does she really enjoy? And does she talk to you when you're alone?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:24

She sounds like she is very very shy. Im guessing you dont live with her mum?

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:24

reading/writing on track - has reputation in all of herschool as 'the very quiet one'...has two very close friends who she adores - outside of that, not a great deal

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Chandra · 12/08/2006 23:25

Could it be that she is shy? I have seen a girl very much that fitted your description perfectly at that age. Now 4-5 years later she is such a pleasant girl.

imaginaryfriend · 12/08/2006 23:28

I was very painfully shy as a child and always in a bit of a dream too. You didn't say what she's like when you're alone with her? Does she chat then? And two best friends, she must communicate with them?

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:29

No, shewas conceived after we had separated (long story) so there was no great fracture for her to absorb - it has always been thus for her - we talk about things weare doing in the there and then - today itwas my friend's civil ceremony and we talked about who was there and the circumstance - we do play alot and it isn't all doom - but it is difficult to identify a passion, apart from Spongebob Squarepants

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imaginaryfriend · 12/08/2006 23:29

By the way, what are you worried about with her? Has she always been like this? Do you fear some behavioural development problems?

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:33

yes shyness is v. apparent, and she asserts herself well with me, which is fine - but I know I am not being over anxious when Isay it is more than shyness..it's as if she issaying to herself "what's the point? often.

She is very pretty but HATES itwhen people/strangers point this out.

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Chandra · 12/08/2006 23:33

She just seems shy to me. Now, not that you can't help her if she is. There are many strategies to help a shy child, and many books as well.

Closing up on the world is just a mental wall a shy child decides to "build" to protect herself.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:34

Right. That makes a little more sense then. Because the choosing the toy thing you cited seemed to me like she was very anxious to please or just didnt know you that well.
Im going for the latter. I dont know how much access you have, but it seems to make sense for a shy girl to be that way. My DD is very very shy (gets it from me undoubtedly), and even with family members she sees very regularly it takes her about 20 minutes to actually stop clinging to my leg, and then a further amount of time before she will actually start speaking. Even then, she doesnt "chat" to them so much. Cant shut her up at home.

If she has made friends at school, I would say that there is nothing sinister going on. Seems like your main concerns are to build on what relationship you currently have perhaps?

HOpe im not barking up the wrong tree.

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:38

yes she hasalways been like this and yes I do suspect fear a problem. As I say, as a v. little one she often had a look as if shewas coming down off a heroin trip (sure shewasn't) - staring ahead into non-space.
Dislike presenting this as a problem with no answer - I know there is but working round it is taxing me as mum denies it. Hence request for ideas.

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Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:42

Access is easy between mum and I - no conflicts at all - I have her most weekends, as well as time in the week, and she stays over once per fortnight so I have her from Fri. to Sunday pm.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:42

Well, her mum might not see this behaviour towards her iyswim?

There might not be an answer. I think, (and i have spoken out of turn many times today already so apologise in advance), that you might just need to accept that there are some things you cant "fix" with your children. Just got to make the most of her qualities and live with it.

You may also make her worse if you focus so much on her shyness and trying to "bring her out of it".

Daydreamers and shy types don't do badly in life you know

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:45

VVV - yes possibly (about her and I) but I als oknow that isn't the full picture. I would ask her about something she did 5 mins previously, and she says she has forgotten...

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Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:46

VVV - yes I saw today! But thought you were right....

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:48

Woohoo!! I knew i was.......

Seems to me she is nervous of upsetting you. (Typical shy behaviour tbh), if you are asking about something and she says she cant remember.

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:48

If the collective offering is acute shyness, and thank you all for taking this time, is there an approach Ican adopt, or somethings to avoid??

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Jimjams2 · 12/08/2006 23:51

IN terms of something being "wrong" the only thing I would say to check out would be seizures. Petit mals as they used to be called can look like daydreaming and be hard to spot.

Is she like this with her mum? Have you observed them alone? I feel like I'm speaking a bit out of turn but I just wonder whether she sees her mum as her primary carer and being shy is only really relaxed around her iyswim.

DS2 (aged 4) can be like this, but can also be completely OTT and silly- seems to miss the happy medium

Is there anything else specific you're worried about? It doesn't sound like an autistic spectrum disorder if you are concerned about that (just mentioned that because some of the things you said made me wonder whether you were considering it).,

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:52

Pushing her to the forefront or trying to fix the shyness basically is a big no-no.

Its okay to be shy.

Maybe something like drama class when she's a bit older, or ballet or something where she gets to perform might help her confidence though.

Jimjams2 · 12/08/2006 23:53

oh ds2 can't remember all the time "ive forgottened", in response to a direct question. Then he reminds me about something that happened when he was 2. Wouldn't worry about that.

If it is shyness I just wouldn't push her too much, or draw attention to it. Does she have familiar people to see when staying with you?

Chandra · 13/08/2006 00:00

it's not about pushing, it's about reasurance

Panboy · 13/08/2006 00:02

yes did fear something on the 'spectrum' but have dropped that one - mum is fairly 'ungregregarious' and sees dd as her 'sole mission' in life (her own statement) which excludes alot of otehr things - her choice and am NOT critising it here, just seeking wisdom on how to improve things for dd. Yes she does get familiar faces here. I am single, so there is no 'confusion' about who I am to her. She is a liitle hesitant wit hme for about 30 mins, then gets into the swing of things - I try to stimulate her alot, and it 'works' in bringing her along, but then often she just stops, closes, and she seems beyond reach...petit mal? No evidence I have seen.

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handlemecarefully · 13/08/2006 00:09

She sound sweet, sensitive and thoughtful..but I am not expert!

My dd (a bit younger aged 4) frequently claims she has forgotten something when she just doesn't want to talk and craves a bit of peace