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Original poster

Advice sought on VERY reserved/hesitant 6 y.o dd

157 replies

Panboy · 12/08/2006 23:08

dd often appears dis-associated from what's going on around her..seems to live 'inside her own head' and sees the outside world as a bit of nuisance. Manifests in refusal to communicate on a fairly basic level at times ( when asked name, age etc, just ignores question, or mumbles an answer) - does have the ability, but chooses to not use it. Had always a 'far away' look, even as a v. young child, but now am more concerned as she gets older. eg in toy shops she stays firmly by my side, no spontaneity, and only seems to choose something out of 'duty'.
Have raised this with her mum, who remains in a denial over it despite the obvious evidences. OTher mums I know concur with me.
DO NOT wish for her mum to do/say anything differently, but am asking for any gambits/techniques/lines of approach I may use when out with her, or at my home?
This may raise some basic questions about life-arrangements, and if anyone wishes to enquire or offer a perspective, I am very open to expaining anything. Anyone??

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/08/2006 00:11

Let me give you an insight into my relationship with my Dad. (Bit different - he and my mum are still together etc etc). But I get on better with him anyway.

One of the things that I love about how well we get on....we can sit in the same room together and not talk for hours on end and not feel uncomfortable about it or need to fill the silence.

Original poster
Panboy · 13/08/2006 00:20

thanks VVV - I know she is very bright ( we all say that??!!) and she can bestill and thoughtful, and then suddenly say something referring back to three hours previously - happened today on a long car journey - I am comfortable with her silences, and she doesn't demand to be entertained instantly...(lucky I know)...but there is a handle on her which Idon't have, and I also don't demand things of her to do/say things at any time, at all. Just have an on-going doubt that shyness is the key. BUT...will go with this...would like to keep the thread open for anymore exchanges? Will not bang on about it endlessly and will heed what has been said and keep it in proportion. She is desperately loveable and I know I am very fortunate.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/08/2006 00:25

Panboy, we are all here for each other, and we all prattle on about the same problems on a very regular basis as you'll get to see .

dont worry!

Seems like you are doing fine. Just try not to worry about it so much (as much as a parent can not worry lol!).

Original poster
Panboy · 13/08/2006 00:33

Yep, have seen similar probs/issues arise across from one thread to another....it's the 'holistic' thing about life!!

thanks all again for time - will be butting in where invited to myself!!

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Original poster
Panboy · 14/08/2006 22:06

Peoples - have been reflecting alot on dd, have been paying particular attentions to her, and...am feeling more re-assured....she does have some odd behavioural things, over and abovea shyness thing, but that makes her an individual - am becoming less concerned as the days go by...mum's denial of all things was/is a barrier to discussion, but am used to that as well. Thank you all.

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gothicmama · 14/08/2006 22:14

panboy there is good advice on here dd is also shy to the extent of not talking, i never push her and accept taht it usuallty takes her longer to get going at social occasions, by lettig her in her own time we all have a better time adn she is gradually learning that it is ok to speak /join in it's important to let her do it on her own terms and to provide safety net if she needs it - ths holiday has seen a break through as she has played with a girl she met at afun day it was lovely to see

Original poster
Panboy · 14/08/2006 22:25

thanks, g, I have been off work on hols so I can be with her more, and that has helped enormously....I had her all of last week, all this weekend, and we really loved it, though she would NEVER come anywhere admitting it verbally - but that is ok - seeing her squeal with joy this evening was fantastic, but had been forthcoming wit hme I think only because we ahve spent so much time together of late.

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gothicmama · 14/08/2006 22:29

that's so fab and lovely

Original poster
Panboy · 14/08/2006 22:32

we were playing football in the back garden - she is VERY good - and I did an old footie trick I know and she squealed out loud!! "IT's a funny game.." not football, being a daddy to her!

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fullmoonfiend · 15/08/2006 22:41

Panboy, i can't add anything insightful, other than to say enjoy the time you spend with her and don't get too stressed up on her 'difference'. Maybe your daughter is going to be a thinker, dreamer, mystic, seer, poet?
If you feel 'it' is holding her back socially, then it's a problem. If it's causing her problems at school, ditto. Otherwise, maybe you need to accept that our children cannot always be like us, or what we wish them to be. She sounds delightful, and you sound like a fabulous, caring and sensitive father.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 23:01

Oh thats lovely Panboy. I'm glad you are feeling better about it. Its good that you are relaxing and just enjoying her and appreciating her for who she is. She deserves nothing less

x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 08:59

Hey Panboy! Have you got DD this weekend again?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 18:52

???

Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 21:42

Hi VVV!

Yes! Just been out ALL day at an agricultural show in Derbyshire with a buddy of mine and his ds, who has Downs - both reactwell to each other - for dd I have explained why he is the way he is and she takes it in her stride...still very reserved wit hmy buddy today but she only sees him once every month or so - she insisted we sit and watch the cows show, and on the way home ACTUALLY started a chat, about her cat - I was driving and buddy did his best to keep it 'afloat'..

Have her tomorrow, just the two of us til about 2pm when Itake her back......thank you VVV. x

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Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 21:49

btw - if there is some selection procedure where the 'neediest' chidren go to the couple who can handle it best, my buddy and his wife are first in the queue.....peerless.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 22:24

Oh wow! Excellent! You sound really chipper about it. Im really pleased!

Your friends sound like fabulous people. I am assuming that their child has some of the more severe complications of DS then?

Seems like she is going from strength to strength. Its amazing how investing a little time can produce such great results in a child.

So so pleased for you x

Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 22:41

Yes, he is quite severe in his Downs..no speech apart from "No", which actually means "yes"!

Lotte is aware of her reticence ( I can tell this) - and I DO need to 'stand back' from it and let her express herself when she wishes to. Also, I am pretty sure she is a thinker/dreamer/philosopher/ and I am sure she has that in part from me. IN so many other ways as well, she is MY daughter!!

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 22:54

You sound like a truly proud father, and why shouldn't you be.... I think an affinity is good grounds for a bond so you can only go from strength to strenght. There is nothing wrong with being a thinker/dreamer/philosopher, some of the best people are like this

Lovely name btw, was on the shorlist for my DD.

Are you contemplating the Christmas meet up?

Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 22:57

The name is from the singer Lotte Lenya - full name is Carlotta..

Not aware of the Christmas meet up - I'm a newbie!! Where do I look on the site, please?

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 23:07

You arent that new....

If you look in meet ups....hang on, I will link.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 23:10

here it is

Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 23:43

Thanks!

18th Nov. looks okay.

Am making an obvious assumption that our little ones are not "invited"??

Noticed on that MASSIVE thread that a Manchester train goes at 3.30.

Will check with my crew that 18th is ok, and then cut and paste onto it.

A scary line up indeed! I am familiar with FrannyandZooey and CharlieCat, and imaginaryfriend, and you!, but not many else..it would be so strange to meet these people..

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/08/2006 23:50

Well, its an evening do in a bar type venue. So little ones - no.....

Your crew?

Original poster
Panboy · 19/08/2006 23:56

Lotte's mum - (she horse-rides some weekends, which on occassion are sprung on me with short notice..)...my buddy next door with whom I am 'committed' to assisting with on his house when funds are available..and VERY occassionally work cover at weekends.

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jabberwocky · 19/08/2006 23:57

Have only had a chance to scan thread, but I agree with Jimjams that petit mal seizures would be one thing to consider. The other thing is that she is a HSC (highly sensitive child). Children described as shy often fall into this category. There are some good books out on this.