nearly 5yr old mealtime nightmares - advice please!

[nieveandarlo]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some ideas, advice, energy to keep going etc...

My nearly 5yr old DD has got into an awful habit of being really difficult at mealtimes. She plays around, says she isn't hungry (when she really must be), takes forever to eat, chews one mouthful for around 15 minutes and is really easily distracted. Even if the meal is something she loves she can't help herself but to mess around. Every meal ends up with me and DH sitting there (having finished our meals ages ago) trying to coax her into eating a reasonable amount of food. We've tried the "ok no desert", the "fine we'll just take the plate away", the "we'll just leave you at the table to eat"... I'm at a loss and it's got to the point where we end up irate and her in a strop.
She has never been a huge eater and i've heard it said that girls can be major manipulators when it comes to food, but as her mum i can't bear not to make her eat at least a bit, and i hate that mealtimes can't be a nice peaceful family time.
She has had a hard time recently (as have i!!) with her new baby brother (now 7 months) on the scene who obviously has taken my attention, time and energy and i completely understand that we need to be patient with her and try to let her know she's still loved etc but the 'mealtime nightmares' have been going on for a lot longer than DS has been around. I do think it's got worse (along with minor behaviour issues - being cheeky, tantrums, not doing what she's told) but i need to find a way to put a halt to it.

I guess i'm at the end of my tether now because of being tired and a bit overwhelmed by 2!

Anyone got any ideas or been in the same situation? Should i give the sticker reward chart thing a go? Or try again taking her plate away when she says she doesn't want it?

Many thanks in advance...

Many of the things you describe also fit my 5 year old DD.
She too takes forever to finish and meal and can be awkward and play around at times.
One thing that has helped recently is to get her more involved in the actual meal. By this, I mean things like putting the food in communal dishes rather than serving it onto plates in the kitchen.
Then my DCs can serve themselves at the table. They love this as it makes them feel more adult and also gives them more control over what goes onto their plates.
I have found that they eat more vegetables if they are able to serve themselves.
We have a rule that whatever they put on their plate, they must eat. This also helps them to think about portion sizes and how much of something they want.
Getting your DD involved in the food preparation stage in the kitchen might help in the same way, although my own DD's interest in the cooking is limited.

My DS2 who is also 5 is pretty much like this.
He gets very distracted, refuses food that he has eaten quite happily in the past, painfully slow eating.
I know that we have possibly made it worse because it has been going on for some time now (well over a year) and he now knows that we will cajole him, feed him, bargining ie:2 more carrots and then you can leave the table.

I am currently trying to change things by NOT making any fuss.
His food is his food and he can take it or leave it but there will be nothing else, no snacks, no dessert. I figure he won't starve himself to death......

Also, I have been trying to involve him in some of the cooking - even if it's just crumbling an oxo cube, stiring in tomatoes, or measuring pasta. Then I make a big fuss when it comes to the table 'Oh look DH and DS1, this is the spag bol that DS2 helped cook' - cue everyone making nom nom noises!

what message says. but to add my dd was a grazer untill starting school and I was concerned about her being hungry throughout the day. prior to this she was a slow eater and more chatting less eating, I often held back her full portion of dinner and gave her just a small amount knowing what she would manage. and later when she said she was hungry I would say, there is more dinner and as she ate so well she could have some more. However if she didnt eat at all there would be nothing else untill next meal time. no bargaining on that one.

before starting school she had become better at dinner times with smaller prtions so I gradually increased them and this seemed to work. She is 6 now and as long as she has made a reasonable effort ie at least one mouthfull of everything on her plate then no fuss made. she either eats or she does not.

I would say that one of you should sit with her whilst the other one completes the chores. then swap one makes a cup of tea and once that is made her dinner goes, I feel that is plenty of time, Or both of you leaver to it and see how she gets on alone whilst you clear up. I do find that my dd is often still eating once I have finished, but once the kitchen is clear and I have a cup of tea, then dinner time is over. she ofetn speeds up once there is no one else at the table.

Sounds like you have both got into the whole drama around mealtimes.

What exactly is your fear about her not eating a certain amount? Will some harm come to her? No healthy child will starve themselves.

I would try just serving the food (small, not overwhelming portion size is a great idea) sitting down to eat together, leave her be without any coaxing or stropping, and then after a 30 minutes or so clear the table.

My DS used to be a nightmare with food. He was never a big eater either. I would probably eat all together and just try to stop noticing/bothering about what your DD is doing with her food. And when you and your DH are finished then chat for a bit to give her a chance to 'catch up' - and then just you go off and clear up the kitchen or wander around - not noticing what she's doing. And if she says she's finished then no cajouling - just OK then, down you pop. I would allow snacks if she's hungry - but only fruit probably.

I found distracting myself helped take the pressure off and generally changing my attitude that he would starve or not eat normally ever!

Thank you all for your messages... makes me feel more sane to know we're not the only ones!

I guess you're right Rubirosa, she is generally healthy, if a little on the slim side. I think i just want to feed her!

We have tried letting her be then just taking the plate away at the end of the meal, but this seems to upset her too. Like she knows she should eat it, even wants to eat it, but just can't concentrate on eating! Also lack of desert is probably on her mind...

I'll try involving her more in prep of the meal and serving etc and i'll definitely try keeping calm and not making a fuss!!
Deep breath....

The five year old I look after is exactly the same. Takes ages to eat, messes about, couldn't care less if she misses out on dessert. Her mum will do anything to get her to eat - bribing, playing games, feeding her. I feel that the little girl loves being in "control" of the situation, having the power to make mum do this and that.

I take a very different line, as far as I'm concerned, a five year old is more than capable of feeding herself if she wants to, I provide a small portion of food that I know she likes and she gets twenty minutes to eat it. I don't coax or make any comment about her eating or not eating. If, after twenty minutes, she's still messing about then I take it away, she gets a plate of fruit but no dessert. No snacks in between meals either if she doesn't eat.

It sounds quite draconian but I have two other kids to consider as well (one who is starting to copy his big sisters behaviour at mealtimes) I don't have the time to be playing games and spoon feeding.

I find this approach stops mealtimes being a battleground, and she is starting to eat really nicely now she's realised that she gets more positive attention for behaving nicely and zero attention and a hungry tummy as a result o messing about.

I dont think it is at all draconian, I find forcing children to eat far more draconian, wether that be coaxing, barganing or spoon feeding. Let them know what is expected and leave them to it, the less fuss the better, in my opinion.

You want her to learn to just eat when she is hungry and stop when she is full, listening to her body rather than eating to avoid a punishment or to win a reward (whether that's a sticker or a sweet pudding). I would either stop doing a dessert (or save it for once a week) or make it a healthy part of the meal, so you don't feel you need to with hold it if she doesn't eat her dinner - I only ever do fruit or greek yoghurt as a pudding, so I don't really mind if DS only picks at his dinner but does then have some yoghurt and a banana.

many thanks to all... DH and i have had a planning discussion and we're feeling a bit more positive about it... also good that we're on the same wavelength!
xx

I would not worry too much, as my Granny used to say "It's just a phase.". DS2 - now 6.5 - was very difficult about food at about 4. When I calmed down about it, I must admit under DH's more emotionally distanced guidance, we did much what Rubirosa suggests, cut out all snacky type food, especially between meals - not that there was much going anyway. We then left him to eat what he would - or more often at first would not. If he wanted something after an unfinished main course there was only fruit or cheese on offer. He ate enough to stay alive and eventually got fed up with trying to rattle my cage without effect and started to eat again. He now has very catholic tastes, loves cuisine from a variety of different countries, begs to be taken out for a curry or Chinese food, adores French food when on holiday with cousins there and has put the pickiness entirely behind him - these things will pass!! All I've got to do now is get him out of nappies at night .....

have you tried inviting a friend from school over for tea and a play...this may encourage your child xxx

It's difficult sometimes

Rejection of food isn't rejection of you though it feels like it

Much sympathy

Watching this thread as I could have written it myself. My DD starts school in September too and I'm worrie she'll either starve or get no play as she'll still be eating :(
Must be a 4-5yr girl thing as DS eats for England and always has!

I'm sure it's a habit she's got into with us at home... we live in France and they start at the 'Maternelle' here at 3yrs. Most children stay at school for lunch so we followed that (at 4yrs), partly to have her speaking french all day and partly to integrate her with classmates etc. I've spoken to the assistants who take them to lunch and apparently she eats ok at school! LOL I guess when they're all eating together she follow suit....

I think Rubirosa is right though - it can't be eating to avoid punishment or to get a reward, it has to be a natural thing for her and i'm sure she'll eventually eat like anyone else does. It's just rather tiring having each meal as it currently is.

Difficult too with the desert thing as the idea of none is often the cause of major tantrums!!

We tried giving a small dessert when she eats a small dinner, if she eats half dinner, she gets half pudding. It works but leads to lots of waste. I hate wasted desserts so my waistline is suffering!

ooh yes deserts mustn't go to waste :o :o

nieveandarlo can I just say that you have described my DD1 when she was 3 or 4 to a tee (tea? T?) and I sometimes ended up crying with frustration at her antics so I truly sympathise

Do you know what "technique" works? None. She will eat what she wants. No coaxing or threatening will work. Spare yourself the trauma.

My advice? Sit down and eat together. Maybe give her a couple of words of encouragement ("Come on sweetie, eat up your peas") but other than that, don't sweat it. When you've all finished, ask her if she's had enough. If she has, take the plate away. Give her some fruit pudding / whatever you're having - and repeat.

Then wipe her hands or whatever, and let her get down from the table.

I can absolutely guarantee she will eat exactly the same as she would have done if you had coaxed / cajoled / cried / threatened / shouted or whatever. The difference is, nobody is stressed.

She won't starve herself. She won't be malnourished. And you'll all feel a lot happier

Just as an aside, DD1 (12) now eats really well and loves her food.

Good luck! :)

Curry - (sorry to hijack thread but might help you too one day). Have you got other DCs? If I let DD leave her dinner, DS, who eats well but rushes so he can play, would feel hard done by, that he has to finish and she doesn't.

Sounds like good advice otherwise :)

My son is four and he has started being fussy with his food we have tried the whole leaving him at the table till he eats it which does not work with him last night he was there for 3 hours!!! With a small bowl of food and still didn't eat it and fell to sleep at the table. He has always been a great eater and don't know why he has started to be so fussy. He will use every excuse he can think off to get out of eating. We have tried giving him smaller portions he still says its to much tried lettin him help prepare the meal we have tried ignoring his moaning. He just is not interested at meals times at all. We have stopped giving him sweets and treats now to but still he always says he is not hungry. We don't know what else to try his older sister has no problems eating her food don't know why he has turned so off mealtimes. Also he always wants us to feed him his food which we refuse to do as he is more than able to do it himself.

It's not unique to girls I'm afraid!! My 5yo DS is like this, as you describe OP.

He doesn't get any pudding until he finishes all his main meal. And he's usually okay with this but some meal times can go on for quite some time, and I need to coax him occasionally.

Like others, I worry how he'll be when he starts P1 after the summer holidays. I won't be there to supervise. He'll just have to get on with it himself.

DS is very thin so he really does need encouragement to eat well. I wouldn't be so concerned if he was overweight - I'd gladly take the plate away after 30 mins and not make a fuss!

mumnosbest yes I have 2 kids. They are 12 and 9. Tbh by the time dd2 was old enough to sit at the table, dd1 had grown out of this phase. So I never had that problem. Neither does the op

mumnobest - why do you need to make either child finish? Can't they just eat to their appetite?

Haha that's hilarious. If I let my DS just eat whatever he wanted, he'd be anorexic by now...Some children need more encouragement than others.