nearly 5yr old mealtime nightmares - advice please!

[nieveandarlo]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some ideas, advice, energy to keep going etc...

My nearly 5yr old DD has got into an awful habit of being really difficult at mealtimes. She plays around, says she isn't hungry (when she really must be), takes forever to eat, chews one mouthful for around 15 minutes and is really easily distracted. Even if the meal is something she loves she can't help herself but to mess around. Every meal ends up with me and DH sitting there (having finished our meals ages ago) trying to coax her into eating a reasonable amount of food. We've tried the "ok no desert", the "fine we'll just take the plate away", the "we'll just leave you at the table to eat"... I'm at a loss and it's got to the point where we end up irate and her in a strop.
She has never been a huge eater and i've heard it said that girls can be major manipulators when it comes to food, but as her mum i can't bear not to make her eat at least a bit, and i hate that mealtimes can't be a nice peaceful family time.
She has had a hard time recently (as have i!!) with her new baby brother (now 7 months) on the scene who obviously has taken my attention, time and energy and i completely understand that we need to be patient with her and try to let her know she's still loved etc but the 'mealtime nightmares' have been going on for a lot longer than DS has been around. I do think it's got worse (along with minor behaviour issues - being cheeky, tantrums, not doing what she's told) but i need to find a way to put a halt to it.

I guess i'm at the end of my tether now because of being tired and a bit overwhelmed by 2!

Anyone got any ideas or been in the same situation? Should i give the sticker reward chart thing a go? Or try again taking her plate away when she says she doesn't want it?

Many thanks in advance...

Mama01 i give my exactly what we have, always have as u don't have time to cook separately. With new foods I introduce at lunchtime, like a seafood rissoto- seafood popular, rissoto perhaps not. If they don't like it i don't fuss, give pudding, and they get fruit or something about 3 to ride them over. I always give cherry tomatoes or grapes if prepping and they are hungry. But they can have fruit whenever all day.
I don't snack either, and I eat up my veg!!! Plus no tv at meal times. If ds is very tired I often get him bathed before tea, as otherwise he drops off with his first mouthful of mashed potato:)

Rubirosa I don't make DS 'finish' as in clear his plate (bad wording on my part). I just meant that he wouldn't eat his fill before wanting to o and play.

to go and play

Ooo long thread!

At that age, everything else is just so very interesting that eating takes a back seat.

Black..cat has the right idea. Put smaller portions on a small plate (not the 'fillers' bread or lettuce - just the main things you want her to eat) - she can always have seconds. No snacks. Try to ignore the behaviour and clear away the plate after a set amount of time so that you aren't staring at congealed spagbol at midnight. Just tell her - the table is cleared at 6.30, then its homework, bath and bed - no supper or snacks.

Try to get her to help with the food prep - cutting the cucumber or washing the spuds. Toppings on pizzas is very popular with children too! I have heard of inviting a friend over who you know eats really well, as children copycat.

Hope you don't let it get you too stressed! As my mum used to say 'a child won't starve itself!'.

Unfortunately this is all very familiar. My nearly 5 yr old DS is being very fussy at the moment. He has school dinners 3 days per week and we found out just recently that he has not been eating them since Easter having previously been told what a 'good eater' he is. I have now asked them not to make a fuss or try to offer him alternatives as I think he is doing it for extra attention.

At home the rule is no cajoling, no alternatives, eat what is there or go hungry. If he finishes his plate he can have something else. This will usually be fruit / yoghurt / malt loaf / cereal bar / fruit pot. Sometimes one after another. When I have offered very small portions he has just ended having lots of puds so I offer what I think he is likely to eat. He has a sandwich at after-school club 2 days per week, tea with his little brother 2 days per week and the 1 weekday and the weekend we eat together. Unfortunately if he doesn't eat his tea he will often wake up early (from hunger) but knows not to disturb us. On Tuesday he had very little tea, but then a massive breakfast on Wednesday morning.
There are no snacks between meals and he doesn't get something when he comes out of school as it ruins his appetite for tea (at about 5). The idea of putting them straight to bed sounds ok, but not really practical with more than one child and no-one else in the house to look after them.

My DS1 went through a fussy stage at about 4-6 years. He was very skinny but I just carried on giving him the same as everyone else, always with a small portion of something that was in favour at the time.
He then began to eat like a horse and has continued to do so but is still very very thin, well over 6 foot and about 8 stone. He's 18 now and is rarely ill, has not been to the GP for 10 years for anything other than injections so it is possible to be thin and healthy.

The other thing I remember helped with my DD back then was laying the food out buffet style so that she could help herself to what she wanted, always with the firm instructions that if she put it on her plate she had to eat it, this cut down on the "eyes are bigger than belly scenario" I think that helped her feel more in control, so cut down on her need to wind me up with food wars.

we still do that now with Sunday Roasts & I find she still eats far better as a result of helping & choosing herself - some Sundays its hard to get her away from the table :)

Also, might be worth adding to those of you worrying the harm this will do your DCs

My DB was a total nightmare with food as as a DC - he only ever ate chicken, chips & baked beans & would starve rather than try veg etc & would only drink milk or "pop" & DM gave in & fed him what he would eat - he's not that much better now as an adult pushing 50 - will also eats boiled spud, peas, cauli, mushrooms, lamb & white bread, peanuts & drinks only coke, beer or milk, but thats about it -

Despite myself & cousins eating a good balanced diet & not being fussy eaters, out of all of us he is probably the healthiest

Thanks windandsand. The idea of offering new food only at lunchtimes is a good idea. I'm going to try that. Then at least if he doesn't eat much he can make up for it at tea time with something he likes and I won't worry about him going to bed hungry. If I stick to that and only fruit in the afternoons for a snack we might get somewhere!

Hi I'm in almost exactly the same place as the original poster. I too have a child, a DS who is 5 and a new baby of 6 months. I too am overwhelmed by 2 kids bascially, or more specifically 2 kids at such different stages!! Anyway DS has been slow slow at eating for over a year. Chews meal especially for - it feels like a year, LOL!! Not his fav dinner though will eat this fine. Also RE: The behaviuor - same since new baby came along. I've been using a sticker chart for behaviuor when he gets to the start of the sticker chart he gets to pick a prize. I too have been given a sticker for eating quickly. I have been giving him smaller meal portions cos I'm sure the meat if what puts him off, he also sets the table every night and slowly this seems to be helping. I think it might be an age thing.. He will come up with the most profound statements at dinner as though he is thinking about everything and hence not eating.

I hope it gets better for you soon.
Andrea

Forget pudding - while you're getting over this there is Just One Option (or hunger) and that is what is on the plate. I've seen so many parents screw this up with pudding/fruit/yogurt. Obviously, for your own peace of mind you'll need to make sure one meal a day is absolutely something they will eat, honey on toast for breakfast or similar, but then toughen up.

Absolutely no discussions about food, just put it down in front of them and clear it away after a reasonable but brief amount of time. If DC start discussing food 'don't want/don't like/do wan't', just respond with 'oh well, this is what's on today' and change the subject. Do not get drawn in. Do not look at DCs plate. Do not care!

I cannot believe the amount of attention parents lavish on their DCs at mealtimes trying to get them to eat, and then parents are amazed that the DCs repeat the patterns.

Hi all, OP here reporting back after a couple of days with our new 'no-stress-no-tantrums' program...

Wow, how we all worry about feeding our DCs! Obviously i don't wish this on anyone, but it's kind of comforting to know we're not alone in the world!

Firstly i would like to answer Rubirosa on the comment about appetite - with our DD i don't think it's that she isn't hungry... if i let her eat nothing, half an hour after we've finished the meal she complains that she wants something to eat... usually when it's time to go to bed or at another inappropriate time. I think it's a matter of being distracted and sub-consciously seeing the control it has over me and DH... also it's not about making her finish but about eating more than 1 mouthful in an hour!

Re school, apparently my DD eats fine with her classmates, as i've said before i think it's a bad habit she's got in to with us at home.

So, last few meals we have left DD to eat at her own pace without coaxing/feeding etc. I have told her to sit properly at the table, to stop messing around and so on but not made the issue about food/eating.
So far she's eaten just as slowly but has more or less finished her meal. I did say one time, calmly, that she didn't have to finish if she didn't want to and that it wasn't a problem, but there wouldn't be desert if she didn't eat some more... she said (resignedly) 'ok then' and, with a lot of chatter as always, ate her meal. No tantrums so far...

Don't know how this will proceed, we may still have meals where she doesn't eat much, but i've got to try to not get stressed about it. It makes the whole family meal experience nicer for everyone!
Also, i don't want our 7 month old DS getting the idea that eating is an ordeal!

Fingers crossed... and good luck to all the others in similar situations!

Glad to hear you re having some success OP.

I am quite surprised that I appear to be practically the only poster on here that gives pudding that is not just fruit or yogurt. My 3 all have to have fruit either as after school snack or after their main meal. Then they can have pudding which could be ice cream, biscuits, cake etc....or one of these with fruit. My problem is that my 2 older dcs always get to the pudding stage but I often feel like dd hasn't eaten enough healthier bits first. Tis tricky.

Haven't read the whole thread (impatient 2yo waiting in the wings...) but does your DD drink lots of milk OP?

DD1 used to be terrible at eating (not quite as bad as yours but enough to get me worried) then a friend pointed out that she drank a lot of milk which was probably taking the edge of her hunger. Sure enough, when I changed to only allowing milk after meals, she started eating much more. Still a fussy little madam of course, so I then had to introduce a rule that you eat what's in front of you or have bread and butter, which managed to knock that on the head too (most of the time).

My DS would eat anything so when my DD came along I presumed she would be the same. At six she stopped eating meat and it went downhill from there. I tried everything and nothing worked, inlcuding seeing the nutritionist at the hospital. She is almost 14 now and is the same fussy eater (can't call her vegetarian as she doesnt like veg...or fruit) but she is happy and she is healthy. Younger DS eats anything going so I suppose like all kids, they are different. Easier to say now on reflection, but did cause a great deal of anguish at the time so understand it's tough. Kids hey, who would have them !!! :)

I have one that will eat ANYTHING and one that will eat NOTHING.

Just a word of warning -
DH was a very fussy eater as a child. He spent his childhood, sat every evening at the dinner table untill he had finished his plate. This meant that no one was allowed to leave the table. In fact his sisters often finished his dinner for him when their father wasnt looking.

His Dad was from a big-irish-eat-what-is-put-in-front-of-you-and-be-truly-grateful family and found his fussy eating very difficult. On a number of occasions he was force-fed out of FIL pure frustration. (the one parenting mistake the ILs say they really regret)

So now, Dh still has big food issues. He lives on a very small sample of food, cannot eat anything cooked that is cold (like food on a buffet, cocktail sausages etc) The foods that he does eat, have to be eaten a certain way/combination too

DS1 is showing very familiar traits to his DF. He also lives on a small selection of foods. (carrots, chicken, sausage, cheese, bread, all fruit, cereal but no pasta/rice/potato) So I give him what I know he will eat and then a tiny bit of what me & DS2 are eating. Recently I have started a little reward chart if he tries the other thing on his plate. Tonight he has a teeny piece of lasagne. If they clear their plates they get a little treat after pudding (strawberries/chocolate/biscuit) I usually ask them what they want as their treat as I prepare dinner and leave it on the kitchen side as encouragement.

I have never understood why people punish children that don't eat by taking food (pudding) away from them - sorry.

I am hoping that he will eventually grow out of this and become more adventerous as he grows older. I certainly hope that I am breaking the cycle!

DS2 can get distracted & mess around at the table, if he does so repeatedly, he has to eat on his own in the kitchen.

just the threat is usually enough, I think he has only ever had to eat out there 3 times and DS1 once.

pateran your post made me laugh, so in the same place! The profound statements sound familiar - although all of my DD's thoughts are out loud!

Alicadabra no she doesn't drink a lot of milk, in fact she favours water which is great! I don't offer her juice before/during meals and we don't have fizzy drinks at all... she does like fruit, which is mainly as snacks. Recently mealtimes have got such a disaster that i forget to offer her fruit instead, hopefully now we can have a calm time and fruit/cheese can be an alternative if need be...

GetOutMyPub i can't give her sweet things for dessert (icecream etc) if she hasn't eaten proper food first, it's not meant as a punishment exactly - it's not general practice to go straight to dessert in a meal is it?!
Personally i wouldn't want my DCs to eat in a room on their own... the whole point for me is to have a family meal together.
Can i ask what your idea of pudding is? In our house strawberries or biscuits = pudding...

I have had this issue with twin daughter since she was one and a half and have tried so many of the same techniques - cajoling, bribery, no pudd, no fun activities, plate in the bin after 20 mins (very stressful and had both of us in tears!)). I cook healthy stuff and we eat all together, but even if I make her what she has requested, she still messes round. Twin son eats like an angel and looks at her like " don't sweat it!". Best advice is as previously stated - no fuss, let her eat what she wants with no extra attention given, and remove plate calmly once mealtime has reasonably lasted long enough! This is what I am going to try as of tomorrow! I don't know why we all beat ourselves up so much about how much the kids eat. Am sure they are just trying to take control of what is an important part of every day... Gonna try and be strong!

this could of been written about my 5yr old son!!! Im loving the advice on here and am definately going to be trying the tips.
My ds also keeps getting down and saying he needs a wee etc. then messes about so i end up having to tell him off....
Any ideas????

I don't actually eat with my DD most of the time, we tend to eat later, so she often eats on her own (poor soul) but I do keep her company! Saying that, that doesn't mean I sit beside her the whole time, as I may be tidying up etc - but on the whole, I don't think that's terrible - it means I'm not sitting there watching her eat! My DD has her own ideas about food and what she will and won't eat, but we have no battles over food.

our usual puddings are yoghurt, ice-cream, fruit salad usually a banana, apple and handful of grapes shared between the two boys, custard, banana & custard is current fav, a fairy cake (although I havent baked in yonks)

A small treat would be a couple of strawberries (in addition to any that might have been in the fruit salad) chocolate egg (we are still slowly getting though Easter Chocs!!!!) biscuit, popcorn.

Hello,
My DS was the same too. He was a great eater but at about 18 months he became really fussy. Hes now 6 and only eats 3 to 4 foods(all with ketchup), breakfast cereal (oh,and anything sweet!). At nursery his own choice of packed lunch came home uneaten 3 out of 5 days a week. He is super skinny and I was pulling my hair out but have just started him on school lunches and whilst he complains and comes home saying he's starving, I know he is now starting to try new foods now. He even admitted that potatoes we edible last week... Its slow progress but on each playdate and each school meal he is learning that there are other foods and some actually taste OK.

I have had to take a step back otherwise it was making me mad. The new approach has helped both of us. He now understands that its not just me and the support of the dinner ladies at school has been really positive.

From my experience shool does improve things and supports what you do at home.

Good luck, I'm sure it will work out soon.