nearly 5yr old mealtime nightmares - advice please!

[nieveandarlo]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some ideas, advice, energy to keep going etc...

My nearly 5yr old DD has got into an awful habit of being really difficult at mealtimes. She plays around, says she isn't hungry (when she really must be), takes forever to eat, chews one mouthful for around 15 minutes and is really easily distracted. Even if the meal is something she loves she can't help herself but to mess around. Every meal ends up with me and DH sitting there (having finished our meals ages ago) trying to coax her into eating a reasonable amount of food. We've tried the "ok no desert", the "fine we'll just take the plate away", the "we'll just leave you at the table to eat"... I'm at a loss and it's got to the point where we end up irate and her in a strop.
She has never been a huge eater and i've heard it said that girls can be major manipulators when it comes to food, but as her mum i can't bear not to make her eat at least a bit, and i hate that mealtimes can't be a nice peaceful family time.
She has had a hard time recently (as have i!!) with her new baby brother (now 7 months) on the scene who obviously has taken my attention, time and energy and i completely understand that we need to be patient with her and try to let her know she's still loved etc but the 'mealtime nightmares' have been going on for a lot longer than DS has been around. I do think it's got worse (along with minor behaviour issues - being cheeky, tantrums, not doing what she's told) but i need to find a way to put a halt to it.

I guess i'm at the end of my tether now because of being tired and a bit overwhelmed by 2!

Anyone got any ideas or been in the same situation? Should i give the sticker reward chart thing a go? Or try again taking her plate away when she says she doesn't want it?

Many thanks in advance...

Nannyr - I would do your 20 mins no fuss routine if dd would eat any fruit and veg at all but she will not, absolutely won't. She will eat frozen peas uncooked occasionally, black berries and rapsberries. She will tolerate kiwi if I feed her it. I would rather make a fuss and have her eat her vitamin C than play softly softly and have her eat virtually nothing nutritious. I wouldn't care if she was the type who doesn't need to eat a lot because at least while she was picking, she'd also pick at a bit of veg.

Fussy and difficult eaters are one of the biggest flash points in family life-as a parent, it is instinctive to want to make sure your child is properly fed and watered.

Ds3 (now 13) was a slow and easily distracted eater and I tried most of the techniques already mentioned. The most effective was dessert on the table which was served once everyone else was finished. However, I did find that a yoghurt or piece of fruit just didn't cut it. Homemade banoffee pie did the trick every time! Obviously didn't do this every day, usually just for Sunday lunch!

Now I use Ben and Jerry's when I know it's a healthy meal the ds's might not be too keen on!

Robusta - I completely respect your right to feed your child how you want, if it works for you, that's great.
But if a parent was asking me for advice I would probably say that maybe she doesn't eat the fruit and veg because she can see that it gets you stressed out, gets you to make a fuss.
I'd be inclined to give her a multivitamin, offer her a range of fruit and veg with no pressure to try, let her see how much you enjoy eating them and don't give her the idea that veggies are something that must be eaten under duress for your health rather than a tasty, normal part of a meal.

I've looked after a couple of two year olds who have gone through phases of hardly eating anything nutritious but if they are not medically underweight (different to just being skinny), are growing well, have plenty of energy to race around the park and are not getting colds etc every week then they are getting what they need nutritionally and if you keep mealtimes stress free then they do come out the other end eating normally.

With regards to eating fruit, have you tried leaving a bowl of chopped up fruit on the floor near her when she is playing - don't even mention its there or that she needs to eat it - she may well surprise you by eating it.
I don't know how old your little girl is but I find that when they go to nursery/play group and get used to having fruit for snack with everyone else, fruit eating improves at home.

DS1 doesn't eat his snack at nursery because he doesn't like what is on offer most of the time, so no, once they start at nursery that isn't always true, I'm afraid NannyR.

It is just a phase like every other part of raising children and one day we'll all laugh at this, you know! :)

minimop It's not so much the amount that's important but I do think that allowing them to be fussy just stores up problems for the future. I know many children who "don't like" so many foods, usually because they have never been familiarised with it. It is a natural stage in a child's development to be cautious of new foods (apparently) but imo it is part of my job to introduce my kids to a wide ranging and varied diet. I always say to them "Oh, you don't want to be one of those fussy kids who won't eat anything!" and I don't want to be one of those Mums who has to provide a different meal for each family member!

Jumping in late here, but what's worked in our house is what's worked for a few other posters on this thread. Six year-old DSD often being a slow, distracted, birdy eater herself.

We put the kibosh on automatic dessert after tea when she was four, because it became clear to us that she was picking at her meal to get to and fill up on ice cream. We've resorted to telling her "there's no dessert tonight" mid-meal, just to avoid it being a battle or negotiation - i.e. that's your food this evening, that is it. Also firm about no snacks when she's back from the childminder. Paying close attention to what veggies she will eat and serving those regularly, adding new ones in here and there. Limiting bread, if there is bread served (otherwise she fills up on it and ignores the rest of tea). Teeny wee portions served on a small side plate and working up to bigger ones, so she's not overwhelmed by a mountain of food.

Serving fruit with tea has sometimes helped when she's been extra picky (this seems to help with the longing for sweeties and just picking at entire plate). We've sometimes served her dinner leftovers for lunch the next day too, just to remind her that wasting food every evening is not on - but this only works if it's a good old standby like pasta with sauce, not experimental stir-fry.

We used to fight with her about clearing her plate, but not so much anymore. The mantra at the moment is, "Well, if you're full, you're full." And we did have a couple of nights when she refused to eat food we knew she liked just fine, and we'd take the plate away and send her to bed with nothing else, and there'd be an urgent knock on our bedroom door the next morning for breakfast. But she is alive and well-nourished. Don't feel guilty if you need to do this - you probably won't need to do it very often!

Hi OP

I haven't read all the posts so apologies if I've missed something but.. I always remember my grandad, who was one of 10 boys. He said when dinner went on the table, 10 hands went in and you were bloody well grateful for what you got!
I never understand all this cajoling and fuss. Children should be grateful for what they've got,(and thank you for it) and if they don't want anymore, wait til everyones finished then get down. No big deal. Use a timer if the are slow, explain they've got 20/30mins then it's gone.
You should never use food as a reward or bribe (has this a link to eating disorders?)
Hope the situation gets better for you OP.

OP here again, thanks for all your messages as ever...

Well since we've taken a deep breath and started making less of a fuss over her eating, things have got better - she's still as distracted and mad as ever, but she has been eating most of her meals, even finishing them! We've also been giving her smaller portions and letting her control what is on her plate a bit more as suggested in some posts.

i would like to point out, for us it's not so much that she's a picky eater as such, she will try most things. It's more that we can't seem to get her to concentrate on eating her meal. Tonight for example we had fish and homemade chips, which she loves. But she goes off on a tangent... although we haven't been feeding her/getting angry about her not eating/coaxing her with every mouthful, we do still have to remind her to keep eating, otherwise we'd be there all night.

Anyway, my resolve to not get stressed about it is sticking (outwardly anyway, sometimes difficult when you have a non-sleeping 7 month old, but that's a whole other thread).
As lovechoc says - these are all phases children go through... i often think some of parenting is managing one phase after another - we'll soon be on to the next one!!

Hi nieveandarlo - thanks for the update. Really glad that things are going better for you, and particularly that you're managing to be less stressed. Hope it continues to improve.