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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

nearly 5yr old mealtime nightmares - advice please!

109 replies

nieveandarlo · 13/05/2012 19:53

Hi all,
I'm looking for some ideas, advice, energy to keep going etc...

My nearly 5yr old DD has got into an awful habit of being really difficult at mealtimes. She plays around, says she isn't hungry (when she really must be), takes forever to eat, chews one mouthful for around 15 minutes and is really easily distracted. Even if the meal is something she loves she can't help herself but to mess around. Every meal ends up with me and DH sitting there (having finished our meals ages ago) trying to coax her into eating a reasonable amount of food. We've tried the "ok no desert", the "fine we'll just take the plate away", the "we'll just leave you at the table to eat"... I'm at a loss and it's got to the point where we end up irate and her in a strop.
She has never been a huge eater and i've heard it said that girls can be major manipulators when it comes to food, but as her mum i can't bear not to make her eat at least a bit, and i hate that mealtimes can't be a nice peaceful family time.
She has had a hard time recently (as have i!!) with her new baby brother (now 7 months) on the scene who obviously has taken my attention, time and energy and i completely understand that we need to be patient with her and try to let her know she's still loved etc but the 'mealtime nightmares' have been going on for a lot longer than DS has been around. I do think it's got worse (along with minor behaviour issues - being cheeky, tantrums, not doing what she's told) but i need to find a way to put a halt to it.

I guess i'm at the end of my tether now because of being tired and a bit overwhelmed by 2!

Anyone got any ideas or been in the same situation? Should i give the sticker reward chart thing a go? Or try again taking her plate away when she says she doesn't want it?

Many thanks in advance...

OP posts:

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CurrySpice · 15/05/2012 17:11

How old is your DS lovechoc?

NannyR · 15/05/2012 17:31

I really disagree that some kids need more encouragement than others, if kids have food they like in front of them they will eat what they need. Encouraging, coaxing, making an issue about whether or not they are eating leads to messing about and turns mealtimes into a stressful situation.

I've looked after sixteen kids over the last twenty years and believe me, the less fuss you make over mealtimes, the better behaved they are and the more enjoyable the meal is for everyone, kids and adults.

lovechoc · 15/05/2012 18:27

I've a 5yo and nearly 2yo. The 2yo tends to eat most foods, he has his fussy moments but will eat most meals without much fuss, however the 5yo really can be a nightmare. I have a healthy relationship with foods, as does DH, and we both eat well as adults (no food issues).

lovechoc · 15/05/2012 18:31

If I just left DS1 to eat what he wanted on his plate, he'd be unwell. He is already close to underweight as it is, so he needs to eat what's put down to him. I ration sweet treats, he doesn't get sugary stuff every day. He has breakfast at 7am, snack at 10am, lunch 11.30am, snack 2pm, dinner 4.30pm (two courses and fruit is offered as an extra) and bed 7pm. He gets lots of chances to eat food throughout the day, but dinner tends to be the fussy time for him. We do a countdown usually 'only 10 more minutes and then the plate is getting taken away from the table'. It does work.

Mopswerver · 15/05/2012 18:39

I am a fascist on this one. I used to put a very small amount on the plate...yes, even one sprout, one small potato etc. Take it to the point where it is just absurd for them to refuse it. If they don't eat that then (remaining completely calm) you explain that that's fine but that they must go straight up to bed. Then carry out your threat.
Once they are eating that minimum amount raise it gradually. Once they are at a reasonably normal standard then you can relax it a bit i.e now we have to make decent effort rather than eat it all. If it's something they claim not to like, they must eat one. i.e. one green bean. I'm not as harsh as I sound and it has worked. My kids eat everything...even liver! ("lamb" until they were old enough to realise...by then they liked it!)

lovechoc · 15/05/2012 18:45

mopswerver good for you. seems your method works, so we can't all be bad by making sure our DC eat!! I wouldn't say your a fascist, I'd say you're someone who is aware that they need to eat their meals, even if that means doing so in stages.

Let's face it, the children in the UK don't know how lucky they've got it. There are children who cannot even drink clean water in parts of the world. I have often threatened to put DS1's food in a parcel to send to children who are less fortunate than him. It does make him think about it.

Selks · 15/05/2012 18:55

I'm a bit hard line when it comes to meals. Dinner on plate on table. We all eat together. I don't focus attention on their mealtime misbehaviour, but praise good behaviour. Our rules are, if they haven't eaten a reasonable amount of their meal by the time everyone else has finished their main and pud (yogurt etc) they do not get offered pudding. When everyone's finished eating all plates get cleared away, including theirs. If they haven't eaten much then tough. No discussions, strictly no negotiations, pleading, cajoling. Then NO SNACKS till next mealtime. And repeat.

This allows for clear boundaries to be put in place but without getting into the verbal tugs of war that can happen and allows for minimal manipulation by the child.
You have to stick to it and be in for the long haul though!
It worked with my daughter. She still had a small appetite, and I had to learn to manage my own anxiety about that, but she learnt to eat enough overall for her and not to mess around at mealtimes.

Selks · 15/05/2012 18:56

Should add, if they had eaten ok at their meal they were allowed snacks sometimes....I'm not an ogre

CurrySpice · 15/05/2012 19:04

Lovechoc, maybe your Ds isn't hungry if he's eaten every 2 hours throughout the day. I know I wouldn't be.

I agree about the decent effort though. I do say that to them

BeaWheesht · 15/05/2012 19:14

Ds is 5 and used to be like your dd. I read the advice of 'don't stress, they won't starve' and 'take the plate away if they don't eat' approximately 3 million times before -d actually just had e-bloody-nough and stopped the cajouling, the bribery, the feeding, I was totally over it. He wouldn't starve. He got breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper and not a thing else. He got one option at mealtimes and did without if he didn't eat it. I always gave yogurt or fruit afterwards whether hed eaten or not and I just stopped caring. The change in his attitude was surprisingly quick - maybe a month or so. He's still a bit fussy and can be slow but meals are sooooooooo much better now.

BeaWheesht · 15/05/2012 19:18

He wouldn't be anorexic because that's a mental health problem.

ilovemykitchenaid · 15/05/2012 19:31

my son was like this and would take forever to eat meals, often taking a further 45 minutes after the rest of the family to finish.

what cured him was having school dinners. Because he was so keen to go out to play with friends but not being allowed to till he had finished made him speed up to normal pace and he was cured for ever

lovechoc · 16/05/2012 08:16

pedantic...he may become anorectic then , underweight, etc. When he eats every two hours, he's not eating PILES of food. I'm talking one piece of fruit for a snack, or one biscuit. He gets a meal at meal times so I doubt he'd be full up!!

CurrySpice · 16/05/2012 10:18

But he may well have had the edge taken off his hunger. My dad was type 1 diabetic and had to eat every two hours. He said the worst part of that was never really relishing a meal because he was starving for it

At the end of the day, you cannot force another person to eat when and what to eat. Surely trying to force him will only lead to more problems

I learnt the hard way that forcing / cajoling / bribing / threatening simply do not work and end up with more stress for everyone involved

lovechoc · 16/05/2012 10:50

He's not diabetic. He's just a fussy eater at times, like many children. I could be one of these parents that feeds him fish fingers or beef burgers with chips and beans every time, but I don't. He gets a variety of healthy meals, we try to vary it so he isn't bored. It is stressful just trying to get it right every day! It is a phase like everything else and as some other poster has pointed out, once they start school full-time he'll probably eat fine when I'm not around at lunch time, and will follow others his age when at the canteen.

No, I don't spoon feed him to eat it all up. I just use the pudding trick or put a time limit on how long he's got to finish up his meal. Usually these methods will work.

BeaWheesht · 16/05/2012 10:52

Lovechoc - not pedantic I don't think.

Also, you sound extremely on edge about his eating, in all honesty I'd be really worried about how that would rub off on him. A piece of fruit or a biscuit would have put my ds off his meals until he was about 5, without a doubt. Dd on the other hand would eat a whole apple then minutes later a whole meal. Ds when he was younger had wee snacks throughout the day and didn't eat much at mealtimes - we cut the snacks entirely and very slowly but surely he started eating more at mealtimes. At the end of the day when they're at school they can't eat as often.

lovechoc · 16/05/2012 10:53

Family have had concerns that I don't feed DS1 enough! Which is utterly ridiculous, as he always gets asked if he's still hungry, and if he wants seconds (of the main meal).

Sorry for hijacking OP

BeaWheesht · 16/05/2012 10:55

Oh and re school - ds and a lot of his friends eat nothing at school all day, prepare yourself for that.

lovechoc · 16/05/2012 10:57

He feels hungry at 10am though, so I would happily cut his snack out be he says he's hungry then. What can you do??

BeaWheesht · 16/05/2012 10:59

Yep ds used to do that, then faff with lunch. I cut snacks, distracted him til lunch and then he ate better and once he got into a better routine it was much easier.

lovechoc · 16/05/2012 12:03

Thanks, BeatWheesht I may actually try that method and see how we go. There have been the odd day when he's had to go without a snack (when at the shops getting groceries or running an errand which takes up til lunch) and eat lunch, but he still notices that he's missing out on something. Was talking about this with DH and he said he cannot remember having 'snacks' in between his meals as a child...

blighty99 · 16/05/2012 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenbananas · 16/05/2012 13:05

blighty99 that is exactly what our hospital dietician said too.

NannyR your approach sounds spot on.

Good luck OP

Beamur · 16/05/2012 13:11

Curryspice - I think you're right too, a minor bit of encouragement is good, but the less you fuss and stress, the less attention you're giving your child for the delaying tactics.
Personally, I don't withold pudding - and would never ever insist on a clear plate in order to get it, if you're going to give it then give it, otherwise it sends out all sorts of wrong messages about eating beyond when you are full in order to get the sweet thing.
Both my DD and her step-siblings have wildly differing attitudes to food in what they will eat, but one thing all three of them are really good at is recognising when they are full. To the extent that if they have eaten a good dinner, they will refuse pudding if they are already full.

CurrySpice · 16/05/2012 13:18

Choc, I want saying he was diabetic!!!I was just explaining why my dad had to eat every 3 hours and how it made him feel!!

I remember someone saying on tv once that a toddler only needs 3 tablespoons of food a day to survive. I used to stress and worry and cry and rant about how little dd1 would sometimes eat. So believe me I know how you feel.

But looking back I can see that none of the stressing made the blindest bit if difference. She still ate what she wanted. So I decided to go with it and we were all happier!

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