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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I genuinely think that I may have made ds an unhappy baby

106 replies

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 14:26

DS was a normal baby, did the normal baby things. Wasn't particularly sunny or particularly grumpy, just shades of baby.

Then at 5.5 months he was poorly and developed bacterial pneumonia. We were in hospital for a week and he was really very unwell. There were times when I had to hold him down while they put tubes down this throat or stuck needles in him trying to find a vein. The worst night was when very unwell and they tried for half an hour to find a vein (he really needed iv abs). He couldn't even cry, had an infection in his throat and just made this pitiful woo woo woo sounds whilst staring at me reproachfully with silent tears. I hated myself for standing there, for even helping to hold him down. But he needed treatment.

Apart from showers and having a wee, I didn't leave his side or put him down for a minute longer than necessary and apologised over and over again for putting him through it.

The thing is that since he has recovered, he's become ridiculously clingy. He only likes me. To the point of not liking even being put down for a nappy change. If anybody else even tries to hold him, he screams in anguish until I take him back and he will be a sobbing, sweaty, gulping, shaking mess. His carseat is refused and he will sob and reach out to me until I rescue him. Not whimpers, full blown sobs. He smiles at other people, reaches out to them, plays games with them etc but I must be holding him while this happens

I know all about separation anxiety and object permanence etc. It's just that at the time he realised we were separate, it feels like I really flipping let him down by standing by and letting people hurt him. And he's a bit too young for proper separation anxiety at 7 months.

I don't think he trusts me at all.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Iggly · 18/04/2012 14:29

Oh poor you and your poor boy :(

He does trust you, of course he does. When he's upset, who does he reach for? Who does he want holding him when he's upset/scared etc? You! Plenty of cuddles and reassurance and he'll be ok I'm sure.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 14:30

I know. But I think he doesn't trust me to ever come back or to protect him from pain or any of that. So he just clings.

OP posts:

moodyblues · 18/04/2012 14:32

I understand why you feel this way - but you did what you had to do to make him better. There was nothing else you could have done.

It must have been terrible for you to watch him go through that, but you did it because you are his mum and you knew it was best.

charitygirl · 18/04/2012 14:32

Oh poor you - and him. It's so hard to know if it's (a) classic 8m separation anxiety come a bit early cos he's v advanced, (b) just something unique to him which will pass or (c) the result of hospital experiences. If it is the latter, then it will pass as it sounds like you're doing the right things. You haven't 'broken' his attachment to you I'm sure. Sympathies though.

ReallyTired · 18/04/2012 14:33

No he is not too young for proper seperation anxiety. Many babies experience seperation anxiety at 4 months. It does sound though he is more sensitive than average.

It is a phase and is completely normal. It shows that you and your baby have a strong attachment. Once he starts crawling he will want to explore his enviromnent and get up to mischief.

This phase will pass.

PosieParker · 18/04/2012 14:33

There are lots of children who are clingy at this age, it's just unfortunate that you think you can link the two. I honestly don't think he'll remember the pain or distress, but clearly you do. Do you have someone you can talk to about this, it must have been dreadful for you and you could be projecting this onto your son which seems much more likely.

Iggly · 18/04/2012 14:33

I think just keep showing him that you will and he'll get better?

Indith · 18/04/2012 14:33

Your post reminds me of the adoption posts when you read the lovely stories of people with their new family establishing relationships and at first the little one will only be with mum but learns to play with others from the safetly of her knee and gradually, gradually break away and are happy to play next to her, then the other side of the room and so on. It was a horrible time for both of you and of course it will have had an effect but you have a lovely little boy who is developing at an amazing rate (which probably contributes too) and you'll get through it and he will become more confident in time.

RationalBrain · 18/04/2012 14:34

It sounds like it was only a month or so ago? Is that right?

If so, then don't worry - keep cuddling him and reassuring him, he'll be fine in a few months. Sounds like a horrible experience, but remember that lots of kids go through lots worse and aren't permanently affected. There might be some feedback loop going on as well - i.e. you might be very sensitive to him and his needs at the moment after that (as any good mother would be).

It'll be fine

themildmanneredjanitor · 18/04/2012 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0bviously0blivious · 18/04/2012 14:34

Oh you poor thing. I followed your threads when your DS was ill and I'm so sorry for you both. I don't know what to say, except that you're his mummy, he loves you, feels safe with you and you did what you had to do to keep him safe and make him better.

When my DS was newborn and in NICU I felt like we would never get to know each other. Then when he came back to me I had to hold him down so the doctors could take ultrasounds and heel prick tests etc. I thought he hated me.

larrygrylls · 18/04/2012 14:34

That is a sad story and anyone who has watched a little baby poked and prodded will sympathise with you.

He has clearly had a reaction to his period in hospital. I think what he needs now is a reinforcement of what is normal life and what is unpleasant. For example, when you put him into his car seat, you need to look at him, calmly explain what is happening, that it won't hurt and there is no need to cry. Then ignore until he settles (as they nearly all do once you are driving). Take the same approach with other non unpleasant situations that he is overreacting to. On the other hand, give him lots and lots of cuddles and sympathy when he is "legitimately" upset (over a fall, illness etc). I think that he is taking his cues from you and that is confirming his clinginess.

I can totally see that you feel bad (although you did nothing wrong at all) but the kindest thing that you can do for him now is to treat him as a normal baby.

EldritchCleavage · 18/04/2012 14:35

He may not be fully recovered, which could be making him more clingy. It can take adults months to get fully over pneumonia, and it does often affect moood and confidence too. In my case, it took several months for the physical symptoms to fully ease.

In other words, it is early days for your DS, and with reassurance and care from you I think he will get past this. And far from a lack of trust, it may be that he clings to you precisely because you ARE such a reliable comfort to him.

Pascha · 18/04/2012 14:35

7 months isn't too early at all. Its within the realms of normality. I agree with Iggly, he does trust you and looks to you for reassurance.

themildmanneredjanitor · 18/04/2012 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 14:36

Doesn't help that people have started to suggest I 'just put him down and let him get on with it'. I think they're cross because they don't get to cuddle him. But everything in me is telling me he needs me.

He is of course very advanced charity. He can poo with such force that his feet and his neck are covered.

OP posts:

QIelf · 18/04/2012 14:37

ime (which is vast) 7 months is the bog standard age for the start of clingyness.

i think you feel way worse about his illness than he does, he probably barely remembers it now and certainly won't within a year. You haven't made him unhappy. It must have been awful to go through all that with him but I think you need to forgive yourself for stuff that wasn't even your fault, iyswim.

Give yourself a break! He sounds like a lovely baby - and bear in mind some babies are just clingier than others, it really isn't your fault and not necessarily linked to his time in hospital and all the horrible treatment.

larrygrylls · 18/04/2012 14:39

Mildmannered,

Even at 7 months, they pick up emotional cues very well from their parents. In fact I think that they are v intuitive at that age.

Pascha · 18/04/2012 14:39

Well since its him who complains when others pick him up, he does in fact get to dictate who cuddles him doesn't he? He wants you if you're in the room so let him have you and aim the pooey bum outwards towards everyone else.

PosieParker · 18/04/2012 14:39

Well don't listen to me then!!! Seems like everyone thinks he probably is affected but needs lots of reassurance.

QIelf · 18/04/2012 14:40

lol at gifted poo!

Say "I don't want to put him down, I'd rather carry him, thanks."

charitygirl · 18/04/2012 14:41

Amazing bowel strength! As others are saying, he's not too young for separation anxiety. Trust your instincts.

PosieParker · 18/04/2012 14:42

And I always followed my baby's lead, so if they wanted me to cuddle that's what they got. It would be barmy to do anything else. So enjoy your healthy baby, you both deserve the comfort of eachother after what you went through.

GoOnPitch · 18/04/2012 14:43

Show I think you are absolutely fantastic!!
You have been there for your ds when he really needed you, when he had to have unpleasant treatments but you were there with him and supported him.
And now you are still there listening to your instincts that tells you that just now he needs you and no one else.

Carry on trusting these instincts! He will be leaving your knees when he is ready. And he will want to do that because that's what babies are designed to do.

BTW, he must be trusting you an awful lot not to want to be separated from you like this!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/04/2012 14:44

I agree with the others who are saying 7 mths is not too young for SA.

His experience in hospital may very well have traumatized him. It can take a while to get over something like that - for BOTH of you.

The good news is that he is a securely attached child so he will get over it.

It is not your fault and you only did what had to be done. Do you think he would be more trustful of you if you had left him to it whilst others held him down etc?

Give him time and be a bit nicer to yourself.

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