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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I genuinely think that I may have made ds an unhappy baby

106 replies

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 14:26

DS was a normal baby, did the normal baby things. Wasn't particularly sunny or particularly grumpy, just shades of baby.

Then at 5.5 months he was poorly and developed bacterial pneumonia. We were in hospital for a week and he was really very unwell. There were times when I had to hold him down while they put tubes down this throat or stuck needles in him trying to find a vein. The worst night was when very unwell and they tried for half an hour to find a vein (he really needed iv abs). He couldn't even cry, had an infection in his throat and just made this pitiful woo woo woo sounds whilst staring at me reproachfully with silent tears. I hated myself for standing there, for even helping to hold him down. But he needed treatment.

Apart from showers and having a wee, I didn't leave his side or put him down for a minute longer than necessary and apologised over and over again for putting him through it.

The thing is that since he has recovered, he's become ridiculously clingy. He only likes me. To the point of not liking even being put down for a nappy change. If anybody else even tries to hold him, he screams in anguish until I take him back and he will be a sobbing, sweaty, gulping, shaking mess. His carseat is refused and he will sob and reach out to me until I rescue him. Not whimpers, full blown sobs. He smiles at other people, reaches out to them, plays games with them etc but I must be holding him while this happens

I know all about separation anxiety and object permanence etc. It's just that at the time he realised we were separate, it feels like I really flipping let him down by standing by and letting people hurt him. And he's a bit too young for proper separation anxiety at 7 months.

I don't think he trusts me at all.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thisisyesterday · 18/04/2012 14:46

i don't think you have done anything at all to make him unhappy.

he's been through a LOT, and you are the one he wants to help him feel secure right now. it's a normal stage anyway, but maybe slightly exacerbated because of what he has been through?

just take his lead. if he wants to be cuddled then cuddle him, if he doesn't want other people to hold him then don't let them hold him.
he needs to know that you are here now and that you will keep him safe when he needs it... you're doing a grand job!

do you have a decent sling? i found that a lifesaver when my lot weer smaller

youarekidding · 18/04/2012 14:46

Not too young but more importantly you have recognised his anxiety and are responding to it. Imagine how he would feel if you did just put him down and leave him?

I would be more worried if he wanted everyone but you.

GoOnPitch · 18/04/2012 14:47

larry I agree that children do pick up how their parents feel.

However I don't agree with your approach. My ds, who didn't had to go through anything as difficult as the OP's ds, refused to go in a car seat for months. And never settled down either. An hour journey meant an hour's crying....
My approach is to follow the baby's clues. When we had a journey to do and I wasn't driving, I sat next to him and hold his hand, looked at him. Sometimes that was enough for him to calm down (and sometimes it wasn't).

ShirtyKnot · 18/04/2012 14:47

Showy.

Your family has been going through a proper horrible hiccup. PLEASE stop blaming yourself - this is all interconnected and he's probably feeding a bit off your anxiety...

now, wait, before you turn that in on yourself as well - it's OK, this is all OK. I know it's tiring to be holding him and looking after him all the time, but this will pass sweetheart.

He will forget the hospital, he's so little - all of this will mean nothing in a few months - honestly.

(I'm cwtching people all over the place lately - I wonder if I'm turning soft)

Dalliard · 18/04/2012 14:48

You've both had a traumatic time, which couldn't have been avoided, but he clearly has a lovely mum who's sensitive to his needs and feelings and acts on them rather than 'putting him down and letting him get on with it'. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

TheEternalOptimist · 18/04/2012 14:49

I think that SA can start younger than 7mths and you have both been through such a horrible time of it. Give yourself and him a break and go with the flow.

Ignore anyone who tells you to just put him down and let him scream. It won't do you any good at this moment and will just distress him.

Lots of snuggly cuddles and hugs. He will get more confident by knowing that you are there for him.

QuickLookBusy · 18/04/2012 14:51

I don't think you have made him unhappy. You both had some horrible experiences in hospital but he feels happiest and safest in your arms and that says a lot.

I expect others will get fustrated when your DS doesn't want to go to them. If they say "put him down and just let him get on with it" I think I'd say "no thank you I'd rather cuddle him, it's only a phase he's going through"

Hullygully · 18/04/2012 14:54

What total rubbish.

My dd had a babyhood designed in heaven and would let no one touch her or even push her pushchair except me until she was over two.

He is of course getting over what happened to him, same as anyone, but he will get over it and he will thrive and be fine because you loved him throughout and do now.

You are blaming yourself because that is what humans, and particularly mothers, do best.

ShirtyKnot · 18/04/2012 14:55

DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH HER HULLY.

Hullygully · 18/04/2012 14:56

And another thing

DON'T YOU DARE START LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WE KNOW BEST. WE ALWAYS STAND SHOULDER TO SHOULDER IN THESE MATTERS.

And particulalry not mad Larry

Hullygully · 18/04/2012 14:56

"Put him down"

yeah right.

Cunts.

ShirtyKnot · 18/04/2012 14:59

People are mental. Why you should go against the natural urge to comfort a distressed baby is beyond me.

Hullygully · 18/04/2012 15:01

Showy - just remember everything you know and stick to it while smiling sweetly at all the just-put-him-downers and saying righty-oh

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 15:03

Oi.

get off my showy.

Love, stop kicking yourself like this. He's a clingy baby and that's OK.

It's OK! He loves his Mum. He's a sensitive soul. That's OK!

Shirls and Hully are both evil wenches and you should ignore them and luffs me best.

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 15:04

Have you not developed the hiss of "He's fine with me acksherly", spat through gritted teeth? I can show you how

Iggly · 18/04/2012 15:15

Put him down?

Ignore!

butterfingerz · 18/04/2012 15:20

I've got a clingy 10 month DS. He's also had hospital stays (albeit short ones for anaphylaxis) and I've had to help nurses force feed him medicine. I'd say your DS is trying to come to terms with what happened. In no way would I attempt any self-soothing or letting him cry if he's feeling insecure. You need to build up his confidence, make him feel the world is a safe place again.

Just go with the clinginess, my DS was über clingy but he's not too bad now.

Indith · 18/04/2012 15:43

I've said it before but I am always in awe at the way you parent, you give yourself so completely to your children, they cannot help but grow into secure, confident individuals. In time ds will too.

WinkyWinkola · 18/04/2012 15:47

The fact he reaches for you means he trusts you.

If you start to put him down and not respond to his "clingyness" then you might well mess him up. He will see it as rejection.

His confidence in the world and himself will only grow because you are responding so positively and lovingly to him.

Lucky lucky baby to have such a perceptive, sensitive mum with a strong instinct. Sorry to sound patronising there.

Bartiimaeus · 18/04/2012 15:55

This has really touched me. DS is 6.5 months and hasn't been through any trauma (apart from finishing the fruit puree ) and yet he is really quite clingy. He's ok being with someone else if I'm not there (like my parents who look after him whilst I'm at work) but as soon as he sees me he literally tries to throw himself out of their arms to get to me. I have to sneak into the flat to get changed before he sees me (he has reflux so I want to protect my work clothes!) otherwise he just wails. Sometimes he doesn't even want to be held by DH, just by me.

All that to say my heart goes out to you, but you really should not feel guilty. You did totally the right thing and you still are doing the right thing by following what he needs right now. Ignore those telling you to put him down.

DS also hates the car seat (once cried for an hour until we cracked and I got out of the car in a traffic jam and sat next to him). I find sitting with him, giving him water to sip and stroking his arm whilst talking and singing to him helps (although doesn't always stop the occasional hicuppy sob). Oh and I also get the crying when putting him down to change his nappy. He sobs and looks at me like I'm a traitor for having the audacity to clean his bottom.

AngelDog · 18/04/2012 16:14

I agree. There's nothing you've done to make him like this and you are doing everything right. :)

DS's separation anxiety started at 7 months and he wouldn't even interact with other adults until about 12 months - not even if DH or I were holding him. He'd just scream. He wouldn't be cuddled by close family until between 12 & 18 months (and then only by his grandmothers). Now at 2.3 it's much better, although he still won't be left with anyone other than DH or his grandmas, and panics if anyone other than the family tries to touch him.

designerbaby · 18/04/2012 16:29

I agree with everyone else on here. A friend of mine who's a childcare professional, says the ones she worries about are the babies who don't care where their Mums are, the ones who don't cry when separated at all and seem just to have 'given up'...

Your baby is normal, sensitive (because normal babies usually are) and, unsurprisingly, trusts you alone, because you were there for him when he needed you. You held him and comforted him. You told him it would be ok. You never left him alone when he was frightened. Why would he want to be with anyone else?

He's very little. They grow up fast, and won't want so much cuddling when they're big, so cuddle while you can, as much as you can! That's what babies are FOR, isn't it?

And bollocks to the "just put him down and let him get on with it". Wait for baby #2 for that ...

Actually I ignored that for both of mine... DD1 (4.5) still loves to be cuddled but DD2 (2) just says "Get OFF mummy" "Stop IT" "I wan' GET DOWN"... . Both were cuddled to within an inch of their lives their whole babyhoods...

db
xx

belgo · 18/04/2012 16:32

SOH - sorry to hear your ds has been so ill. You have done everything right. He's clingy because he was very ill, and because you were there for him when he needed you.

A similar thing happened with my dd2, who was a bit older (18 months) and ill in hospital. She was very clingy for a while afterwards, but soon got over it.

piprabbit · 18/04/2012 16:40

It sounds as though you have both been through a terrible experience, please don't underestimate how much you have been impacted by what you saw and went through. I suspect that your baby is feeling clingy and worried about separating from you, possibly due to his experiences in hospital and possibly as part of a normal developmental phase but that you are also feeling very anxious and guilty which makes you want to protect him and avoid him every having to feel unhappy.
It is all a pretty normal response to a scary situation, I'm sure you will both get through it given time and plenty of love and cuddles.

doctordwt · 18/04/2012 16:46

Agree with those who are saying that it sounds more like he has been affected by his hospital experience but that it's not as complex as you're thinking it out to be, it's just heightened his naturally occurring separation anxiety. He's turning to you and fixated on you and that's NORMAL, if a little exaggerated right now.

What I would do is try and be a bit firmer and calmer about things like the car seat etc., so just firm smiley reassurance at the sobs, letting him know you won't allow anything bad to happen but making him stay in the seat etc. - so reassuring him rather than responding immediately to his fear in taking him out etc. which might actually make his anxiety worse. Definitely NOT forcing him to be cuddled by all the evil people itching to whisk him away though. That can wait!

DD is two and will still subject me to betrayed stares of an intensity last seen in the Garden of Gethsemane if I even sit in the front of the car instead of in the back seat with her. Don't feel bad.

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