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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I genuinely think that I may have made ds an unhappy baby

106 replies

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 14:26

DS was a normal baby, did the normal baby things. Wasn't particularly sunny or particularly grumpy, just shades of baby.

Then at 5.5 months he was poorly and developed bacterial pneumonia. We were in hospital for a week and he was really very unwell. There were times when I had to hold him down while they put tubes down this throat or stuck needles in him trying to find a vein. The worst night was when very unwell and they tried for half an hour to find a vein (he really needed iv abs). He couldn't even cry, had an infection in his throat and just made this pitiful woo woo woo sounds whilst staring at me reproachfully with silent tears. I hated myself for standing there, for even helping to hold him down. But he needed treatment.

Apart from showers and having a wee, I didn't leave his side or put him down for a minute longer than necessary and apologised over and over again for putting him through it.

The thing is that since he has recovered, he's become ridiculously clingy. He only likes me. To the point of not liking even being put down for a nappy change. If anybody else even tries to hold him, he screams in anguish until I take him back and he will be a sobbing, sweaty, gulping, shaking mess. His carseat is refused and he will sob and reach out to me until I rescue him. Not whimpers, full blown sobs. He smiles at other people, reaches out to them, plays games with them etc but I must be holding him while this happens

I know all about separation anxiety and object permanence etc. It's just that at the time he realised we were separate, it feels like I really flipping let him down by standing by and letting people hurt him. And he's a bit too young for proper separation anxiety at 7 months.

I don't think he trusts me at all.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BillyBollyBandy · 18/04/2012 16:47

Who did you want when you were little and feeling poorly? Your mum. That's all DS is doing, he wants his mum to comfort him. I doubt he is feeling 100%, I also doubt he has any memories of being ill in hospital. You're doing a fab job, don't worry!

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 17:02

Oh oh oh you're all lovely. Rest assured designer, he's not my pfb, he's dc2. I've always parented this way. I coslept with dd, carried her in the sling for most of the first year, didn't leave her until she was 3 actually but she's a very different little person. She has always been super confident and clearly well attached. She always trusted I'd come back and didn't need to cling. DS just seems so fearful. I don't drive so if he's in the carseat I'm generally next to him. He doesn't stop crying for a second. There is no calming him. As soon as I lift him out he snuggles bodily into my shoulder, snuffles around looking for his well worn groove and sighs like the weight of the world has lifted.

Shirty (I like you in this guise btw, suits you), it's been, pardon my French, fucking awful recently. I'd almost judge ds for not being a wee bit affected. But of course I feel terrible because this is precisely the sort of thing that is Adults Only. I am supposed to protect the minibeasts from all that Stuff that's happened recently and deep down I know they must be picking up on it a bit. Even small things like having to move in with the inlaws a week ago while the bathroom was installed probably upset things in a tiny way and added to the general Weirdness of late.

I'm not a fool. I know it started after the hospital incident. I know he's still recovering (and yes physically, whoever said that is right, they said his lungs would heal quite slowly and he's still a bit snuffly and sleepy, all to be e

OP posts:

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 17:03

Oh ffs....

expected apparently). But family seem to think I'm 'making' him this way.

Fear not. There isn't a snowball in hell's chance that I'll put him down or leave him to cry it out or whatever other rubbish it is that they suggest.

OP posts:

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 17:08

Well family are wrong.

Showy I have to say he sounds like a mini-you - a sensitive soul.

Agree recent shittola has not helped but you're through the worst of it (you are, YOU ARE) so remember ... This too shall pass.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 17:08

He does get left in the carseat, he has to. We have to travel sometimes. And I am very jolly hockeysticks about it all. Lots of 'it's an adventure ds, look at the tractor, blah blah', same as when I have to put him in his highchair or down for a nappy change. I'm very careful not to project.

I have one tool in my arsenal which works and it comes in the shape of 4yo dd. DS adores her. I'm sure if she could carry him he'd let her. He spends half his day shouting 'dd hiya dd hiya' at her. Better than a plaintively wailed 'maaaaaamaaaaaa' or a curious and hungry 'mama? nana?' at 3am.

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 18/04/2012 17:10

He wants you. Let him have you. Pop him in the sling so you can get on with stuff and when he's ready he'll let go.

5madthings · 18/04/2012 17:10

" As soon as I lift him out he snuggles bodily into my shoulder, snuffles around looking for his well worn groove and sighs like the weight of the world has lifted. "

because the weight of the world has been lifted as far as he is concerned he is back in his rightful place! snuggled up and happy, he sounds like a very secure little boy in that he is secure with YOU!! as he shoudl be!! he knows you love him and he feels safest with you so wants it all the time! wearing for you but very normal for lots of babies and not surprising if he has been so poorly.

you are doing a marvellous job, carry on and ignore the naysayers, he wants cuddles, let him have them, if he will interact with others when you are holding him fine, others will have to learn he isnt an object they can pass about at will, he wants him mummy and no you arent spoiling him or making him this way at all, my mum always said the same to me (sling wearing co-sleeping mum to all mine) and they all slept on their own eventually and are so far growing up into happy independent little people in their own right, well not so little as the eldest are 12, 9 and 7, then 4 and 16mths.

btw it sounds like his illness and hospital stay has upset you, rightfully so! talk it out on here, with friends maybe even see a counsellor if you feel you need to, its traumatic when our little ones get poorly, so look after yourself as well xxx

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 17:11

at sensitive.

I'm a crashing great idiot.

OP posts:

Chandon · 18/04/2012 17:12

you are not making him this way.

Some babies are like this anyway, and it may be acerbated by the sickness, but not caused by anything you did.

I have 2 DC. One was extremely clingy, the other extremely independent. You would not be able to tell which one was which from the way they are now (both averaged out in this respect).

I found the (extreme) separation anxiety came in waves. i distinctly remember it starting around 7 months. then another peak at around 2. Last one just before school. He hurt his grandparents' feelings by refusing to be with them, it had to be me. I would have MUCH rather he could have spent an occasional hour with them!!!

Luckily my parents and ILs are very understanding sort of people who "get" babies and children and their idiosyncrasies (all teachers BTW) and gave him lots of space to make up his own mind about being with them, being held by them etc.

This worked very well. He is now 6 and very confident, outgoing and trusting.

Trust your instincts on this.

saintlyjimjams · 18/04/2012 17:13

Ds3 was in hospital overnight at 15 after an ambulance - I was there the whole time, but it took him ages to get over. To the point where when an operation was suggested when he was 4 I refused.

Indith · 18/04/2012 17:13

Older siblings are magic. I hardly ever got any smiles from the screaming thing that was dd as a baby, ds1 got them all. Ds2 is already deeply in love with ds1 (and suitably wary of the Force Of Nature that is dd).

You are lovely. He is tiny and still finding his place in the world.

KatieMiddleton · 18/04/2012 17:15

I know this is about an older child but the doctor consulted works with babies too and I found the principles hugely comforting because basically it says it's ok for your children to need you and for them to be close.

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/15/annalisa-barbieri-son-scared-at-night

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 17:16

shurrup

you are

BrainSurgeon · 18/04/2012 17:19

Showy you sound like you could use a cuddle yourself {hug}

WinkyWinkola · 18/04/2012 18:40

I'm sorry to disagree with you but you are sensitive - having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 18:44

'ello

Nomoremrtumble · 18/04/2012 18:50

Ignore family Op - you are not making him this way. You are responding to him in entirely the right way. He just needs you more at the moment - give it a bit more time and he will feel physically and emotionally better. And so will you, serious illness in a child that age shakes everyone up.

duchesse · 18/04/2012 18:54

OP, your little boy was very ill only 6 weeks ago. Chances are he is still recovering from that- it might be some months yet before he's fully well again physically.

Furthermore he's just reached the classic age for separation anxiety. My DS did this spectacularly at about the same age. I couldn't even move a foot away from him without him screeching the house down. He was a pretty high-needs child and you always doubt yourself more if nothing you do seems to make them happy. That clingy phase is perfectly normal, if very very tedious. It doesn't last forever though.

I can remember blaming myself for so many things when DS (who is my oldest was little). With hindsight I realise now that there is very little a loving parent can do to alter the development of a child's personality. My DS for all his apparent problems as a very small child is now very happy, confident and independent.

I think that you are still slightly traumatised by his illness and the treatment, almost certainly a lot more than he is. Please be kind to yourself- it was a big shock. They really do put us through the mill, the pesky little things.

youarekidding · 18/04/2012 19:02

the fact he's saying a few words at his age shows he's an aware little chap. Sensitivity often goes with an awareness of things beyond a maturity iyswim?

just as aside. Have he been tested for reflux? Does he cry most when laid down?

BrainSurgeon · 18/04/2012 20:20

Helloooooo Pinooooot :)

MissPenteuth · 18/04/2012 20:33

Bless you Showy, you've been through so much recently. I agree that it's probably that he's still feeling unwell so he's clinging to the one person he absolutely does trust. Possibly coupled with some separation anxiety. If he is at all traumatised by his hosital treatment, he'll get over it in time.

And you know this, and others have said the same, but don't put him down unless you think that's what he needs. Personally I think what he probably needs is cuddles and reassurance.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 20:36

Okay, maybe I'm a bit sensitive . Poor boy probably is like me. Looks like dh though luckily.

I thought I'd handled the hospital thing really well. I think what's actually happened is that there's been so much other stuff going on that I sort of kept busy and perhaps I haven't quite processed it properly. I will. After Christmas maybe.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have reflux yak. He was a very happy chucker for a while but he barely even possets now. No discomfort, no signs of reflux. He genuinely only gets distressed when he can't sit on me or wrap his chubby arms round me in some way and it's not a pain cry, it's a cross between distressed and angry. He has always slept really well and is quite happy lying down when asleep.

He is a clever little sausage. He chats away quite happily and for saying he Will Not Be Put Down, he's fairly good at bum shuffling, crawling, standing and cruising. He's also started clapping today. He's a really determined little thing.

OP posts:

Pinooooooooot · 18/04/2012 20:40

I love that baby of yours Showy.

RationalBrain · 18/04/2012 20:46

Aw, he sounds fab .

Bow to the wisdom of MN and Do Not Fret, he is and will be fine. And think about those amazing biceps you're getting from carrying him around all day!

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2012 20:50

I have lost soooo much weight from lugging him around. I'd hire him out as a weight loss aid but, well, you know...

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