I genuinely think that I may have made ds an unhappy baby

[ShowOfHands]

DS was a normal baby, did the normal baby things. Wasn't particularly sunny or particularly grumpy, just shades of baby.

Then at 5.5 months he was poorly and developed bacterial pneumonia. We were in hospital for a week and he was really very unwell. There were times when I had to hold him down while they put tubes down this throat or stuck needles in him trying to find a vein. The worst night was when very unwell and they tried for half an hour to find a vein (he really needed iv abs). He couldn't even cry, had an infection in his throat and just made this pitiful woo woo woo sounds whilst staring at me reproachfully with silent tears. I hated myself for standing there, for even helping to hold him down. But he needed treatment.

Apart from showers and having a wee, I didn't leave his side or put him down for a minute longer than necessary and apologised over and over again for putting him through it.

The thing is that since he has recovered, he's become ridiculously clingy. He only likes me. To the point of not liking even being put down for a nappy change. If anybody else even tries to hold him, he screams in anguish until I take him back and he will be a sobbing, sweaty, gulping, shaking mess. His carseat is refused and he will sob and reach out to me until I rescue him. Not whimpers, full blown sobs. He smiles at other people, reaches out to them, plays games with them etc but I must be holding him while this happens

I know all about separation anxiety and object permanence etc. It's just that at the time he realised we were separate, it feels like I really flipping let him down by standing by and letting people hurt him. And he's a bit too young for proper separation anxiety at 7 months.

I don't think he trusts me at all.

Six years ago I could have written your post. My DD was in hospital for five days with suspected meningitis, she needed lots of iv's and blood taken every few hours. She then would not let me leave her side. I remember trying to buy her first pair of shoes, and the shop assistant tried to hold her foot - my dd screamed and sobbed. She hysterical. I also remember how awful I felt and guilty for her being ill (which I know rationally is ridiculous). Anyway, my DD is a confident loving 7yr old child with no separation issues. Yr baby is going through a stage, possibly due to being poorly but also could be simply developmental. It sounds as if you have had a really tough time, but in time you will both feel better. Xxxxx

I just wanted to say that my daughter was just like this and had none of the issues with illness etc. You just get the baby you get. You've had an awful time and so has your baby, but you are doing all the right things and you should tell your family to butt out. I know everyone else already said that, but I feel it can't be said often enough!

You're all helping enormously.

I dropped a rice cake once Warren. I still wake up screaming. Brian Blessed's just agreed to play me in the film.

I can only talk from my experience, but whenever something invasive had to be done to ds1 in hospital, dh and I always made a point of one of us being with him. Being held down and having horrible things done to you must be very scary, it would have been even scarier if either dh or I weren't with him.

Do whatever it takes to help your ds through this. If he eventually gets to a point where he understands that you are there no matter what, he will then have the confidence to not have you in his sights all of the time.

Get naked together a lot. In bed together, in the bath together. Lots of breastfeeds if you are breastdfeeding. I'm not entirely sure why, but nakedness and skin to skin brings a certain type of intimacy and closeness.

You'll get there, take his lead and do what you feel is right x

My dd2 was sort of poorly (had milk intolerance) and she cried and cried and cried. In reality it is because she was in absolute agony from about the 3rd feed og her life until the penny dropped with me when she was something daft like 4 months old. It spoilt everything last thing about her baby days. For all of us.

For a long while and too this day I saw her as a bit broken really, and broken by me.
DD is very tactile and cuddly and insists on lots of body contact. I love it on the one hand, on the other it is a reminder of how I broke her.

I can really relate to your post.

BFing and skin to skin we can do. He was a functional bfer for the first 5 months. He bfs all the time now. Makes him v happy.

The weird thing is, I parented dd in the same way and got the same comments. As she grew up and became an independent, sunny little girl certain people actually admitted they'd been wrong. Short memories though. I think people just forget what a baby is.

When dd was 2 ish we put her in her own bed for the first time and dh got all teary and had to go and bring her back into our room. In a few short years nobody will be cuddling up in bed with us and we'll miss it.

tree

You were there though. You did it. You are doing it. You did it together. I suppose that's just what motherhood is in the end. Soldiering on and doing our best. And never really believing it's quite good enough despite lots of evidence to the contrary.

I find my own brand of motherhood is to miss the glaringly obvious issues that are currently pressing because I am hiding from the issues long gone.

T'is a funny old game.

You and your children and your dh sound so tight. That's lovely.

Oh tree :( she's not broken though is she?, and I bet she loves you enormously and always will.

Blimey you've been through it, haven't you? No wonder you're feeling wobbly.

You've had a ton of good advice which can be summarised as "keep doing what you're doing; it will get easier". And it will.

And you'll be cuddling small children in your bed for some time to come, don't worry. I woke to find my nearly 10 year old in with me this morning - it was lovely.

Well, she is shaped by that experience and I know I am. Bloody chipped actually.

I think mothers who see and take some responsibility for their children's suffering (rightly or wrongly) get a sort of post stress reaction. Guilt and denial and all those heavy negative things. I often relive and flash back to the bad old days and I bet I'm not alone in this one.

Or at least I hope not! In the best way possible

Thank you for lettign me gatecrash - mainly wanted to say that you are not alone in what you are feeling SofH.

ShowOfHands, don't forget that your family (and perhaps your friends) will be seeing the whole situation through the filter of their worries and their fears about your ds: they will want to think he is fine again and everything is exactly back where it was so they can stop worrying about it.

You are the one who is attuned to his needs. And his needs are for his mum.

He really does just sound like a very bright and sensitive little boy.

That's good about no reflux. I'm sure it was MN where I heard about that being something that can upset children, but your right it's at night too and he's sleeping well.

It's worse for a 'clingy' child to be pushed away than it is to be attached to your child all the time.

Secure children are the ones who go on to be the most independent. (in general obviously there are exceptions before I'm shot!)

Showy my ds was in the hospital for an op at 3 wks and was in hospital for 2 wks. Afterwards he was a clingy crying over tired over stimulated mess. It took about a month for him to settle down.
You may want to get some help for yourself to get over the trauma. I had a month of hell after the surgery with pnd and J being upset really didn't help. I finally in tears asked my gp for ADs which really helped. I looked at the ADs like a plaster. I needed time to heal and with time and seeing ds thrive it really helped. Or if it's available you could try some counciling (as long as you don't get the idiot I did who made me feel worse. Bitch.)

Hugs to you! and take care of yourself! You ARE a brilliant mum.

Show I've only read your OP, so forgive me if I've missed anything along the way but this sounds pretty much like my DS and all his friends at 7 months old.

My DS had separation anxiety from birth! Well, not quite, but we went on holiday at 7 months and my overriding memory is DS bawling if I even gave him to DH to hold while I had a pee. Like his heart was broken. It was so so oppressive (although I adored him).

Now he is a toddler, he is still very keen to touch me all the time. When DH put him on his lap tonight at dinner, he went nuts until he sat on me. He wants me to go with him everywhere and impatiently herds me.

HOWEVER, he has gone to full time nursery since 9mo and is able to function happily away from me with nursery staff or my mum. Most of the time he now adores DH. So it is perfectly possible to be a clingy baby and toddler and actually also independent.

He has also had two stays in hospital - at 4mo and 18mo. I think they did contribute a little to him feeling a bit unbalanced and clingy for a while. But mainly I think him being like that is because he is young and he relies on his mum a lot.

So don't feel like you are doing anything wrong at all; a clingy child is not necessarily unhappy. They just trust you and want you to be with them. It won't be acceptable when he's 43, but now it's totally fine.

Daft mare.

It's you he wants - he trusts you.

Do what you have been doing and he will soon be like DD :)

It took me 3 DC and becoming a lone parent to be brave enough to indulge my natural urge for attachment parenting.

My (otherwise fabulously supportive) extended family referred to DC3 as 'The Monkey' from when she was about 6 months to about 15 months. DSis used to sing 'Cling Little Monkey, Cling, Cling, Cling, All Day Long' to the tune of The Wheels on the Bus to her. She literally only left my side to have a bath or follow DC1 & 2 if they appeared to be doing something messy . A sling wasn't good enough, she needed to have her arms actually wrapped around my neck. I questioned whether I'd created this need because I was parenting her alone.

She's nearly 3 now, and ridiculously confident. Wanders into school with DC1 & 2 every morning and kisses their teachers. Asks checkout ladies their names. Always wants to stroke passing dogs. Persuaded the post lady to let her post the neighbour's letters, and the man delivering neighbour's skip to let her sit in the cab of his lorry and press the buttons.

Your DS may not if you're very lucky turn out to be as confident as my DD, but I very much doubt that he'll still want to sit on your knee all day when he's 12. Enjoy these snuggly, cuddly days, they go far too quickly. DS is nearly 7, and only occasionally do I get a voluntary cuddle.

Smile and wave at those who doubt, he's your DS and you know what's best for him.

This thread right here is why I love Mumsnet and all who sail in her.

ballstoit, your dd sounds particularly lovely btw.

I've very much enjoyed all the cuddles though don't tell anybody. I'm an island I tell you.

I still can't quite believe what a different baby he is. He physically needs me in a way which surprises me. I can see his fists clenching and his spine arching the second somebody goes to touch him. He's gradually getting better in tiny increments. He will stray about 6 feet from my feet before returning to me, reaching up until I bend and let him pat my 'nose mama nose' and then move away for another mooch. Funny wee monkey.

A very lovely old woman at the bus stop squeezed my arm today when she saw ds peeking out of his sling shouting 'bus bus bus' and said well done. Out of nowhere. She disappeared onto the bus in front of us with a 'best place for him' and a nod to the sling. Aah there are some nice folk out there.

Just wanted to reassure you that he will be fine after all of the awful hospital experiences. My DD was born with several birth defects which required ongoing intervention from birth and some awful procedures, tests, surgeries - you name it she went through it and lots of time in hospital.

She is now 2 and the happiest (apart from the tantrums!), chilled out, cheeky monkey. Your Ds is still recovering and probably feels unsure and only you can reassure him at the moment - that will change and he won't remember any of the nasty stuff - we as parents are the ones who bear the mental scars!

When they are in hospital you deal with it and file away the pain and anguish and it's only once things calm down that you get a chance to think about it and how bloody awful it was. Be kind on yourself - you have been through a tough time - I was the same coped through it and then wobbled once it calmed down a bit.
Do what feels right and sod everyone else and their opinions!!

Hugs xx

Aw, what a lovely old woman. Brought a tear to my eye (disclaimer: suffering from extreme sleep deprivation at the moment!).

Possibly because she lived through the 'spare the rod spoil the child' days. Where did we get those ideas from?

There is lots and lots and lots of scientific research which shows that the more you cuddle a baby, the more confident and independent they will grow to be. You have been through the mill, and so has your baby. Dr. Worldgonecrazy prescribes cuddles and then a few more cuddles.

Re: the car seat problem, can you move the car seat to the front seat? It's not ideal (make sure you switch off the airbag) and obviously not as safe as behind you, but it may help with the stress that your son is feeling. Also, if you can sit behind with him if someone else is driving?

Aww I think that woman was his guardian angel. I love a bit of woo, me. Super happy to hear you feel happier. You do feel happier? See now I've started to worry again. Tis my default setting.
(tis me, frenchy, btw. Mwah)