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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

End of my tether !!! Boarding school for 5 year old ??

145 replies

scatterbrain · 25/01/2006 10:44

Sorry to rant - but I really need some help here !!

My 5 yr old DD is driving me insane !!

Morning tantrums again !! Last two mornings she has had the most almighty tantrums about getting dressed - just refuses to ! Last night had a long talk with her about how this was very unhelpful to mummy and put me in a bad mood all day, and I have to drive to work and do my job etc etc - and she promised to be good this morning - but no - worse than ever ! We talked about doing a star chart - and she said she would be earning her star tomorrow !

When she was 2 she wouldn't let me help her dress - now she is 5 she apparently can't do it herself ! But she can - and she should at least make some effort !

She is usually fairly well behaved and very happy, and there haven't been any changes or traumas in her life that I know of - so I am a bit baffled really !

Anyway - short of sending her to boarding school or having her adopted - I REALLY don't think I can live like this anymore - have any of you wise ones got any tips ??

BTW - naughty step and being sent to her bedroom don't seem to work on this one - she just screams and screams and screams !

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Original poster

scatterbrain · 25/01/2006 11:27

Morning routine - that might be the problem ! We wake up between 6.30 and 7am and then have a cup of tea and watch the news in bed whilst we wake up - then at 7.30 DD is asked to dress whilst we try and grab a quick shower and get dressed ourselves. Invariably she starts playing at this point - usually "schools".

Then it's one mad rush to get out of the house by 8.30 - make her packed tea 3 days a week - and my packed lunch every day.

I am wondering if, God forbid, we should get up earlier !!

OP posts:

eefs · 25/01/2006 11:31

works for me too, DS1 now understands that HE is responsible for getting dressed, not me, and I don't particulatly care if he is in PJ's or not at school so all is calm.

geekgrrl · 25/01/2006 11:33

another vote for school in pjs. Will teach her that you're not asking ehr to get dressed as a favour to you, but that it's for her own benefit.

giddy1 · 25/01/2006 11:36

Message deleted

giddy1 · 25/01/2006 11:40

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ScummyMummy · 25/01/2006 11:40

as might getting a few things ready the night before. Rushing really doesn't help kids to behave well, I've found from bitter, bitter experience. 1 It unsettles them. 2 They really know that they've got the power and if they are in tosser child mode they will use that power. Major sympathies though- I find leaving enough time to get the morning routine right a real chore and only get it right 2-3 days out of 5, I'd say. Those mornings are so much better than the mad rush ones though- definitely worth a try.

giddy1 · 25/01/2006 11:40

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alexsmum · 25/01/2006 11:41

i am really that you all think a five year old should be sent to school in pjs for not getting dressed alone. she is only five! not 8 or 10, still really young!
maybe she doesn't like doing it alone while you are both getting sorted?
why not take 5 minutes from your drinking tea time to help her?/supervise her? she might like that better. i think we sometimes expect too much of little children.

alexsmum · 25/01/2006 11:41

giddy1 · 25/01/2006 11:44

Message deleted

Kelly1978 · 25/01/2006 11:49

another vote for school in pjs. I do smilar with mine. I have two babies to get ready so it's up to the older two to sort themsleves out. I let them know when we headign out and it up to them to make sure they're ready. They soon get a move on when I start gettign the babies in the car!

prettybird · 25/01/2006 11:49

Alexmum - I think the pointis that she can do it - she has doen it before and she can also dress herself quickly in complicated dressing up clothes - but she is not doing it.

My ds, 5, can and does dress himslef in the morning - sometimes with a wee bit of nagging. He does sometimes need to be "tucked" in - but even that less often now.

Original poster

scatterbrain · 25/01/2006 11:50

Hmmmm - not sure I could actually stand to go the PJs route ! Have threatened it several times and it usually elicits a bit of action ! Think in reality I would be more embarassed than her !

Alexsmum - I do help her a bit - she still finds socks tricky for example - so I don't think I am being quite as hard as you think. Also - she usually brings her stuff into our room to dress anyway !

Am typing a star chart as we speak !

OP posts:

eefs · 25/01/2006 11:50

looks like you wake up then relax for a while before rushing to fit in all the other morning tasks. You don't need to get up earlier, but I would suggest you prioritise dressing before breakfast or watching TV. Do all the other bits first then watch the news together and leave on a high note.

for comparison: my routine,
Wake up at 7, get up at 7:15 ish, shower while DS1 chats. DS1 makes his bed, tidys his room and gets dressed - he's not allowed downstairs for breakfast until all this is done. I dress myself and ds2 and help DS1 with bits of his uniform (shirt buttons are sometimes tricky). Downstairs by 8:10, the two boys eat breakfast and I make lunches, DS1 then has to put on shoes and coat, I wrap up ds2. Out the door by 8:30. It's not regimented by the minute but DS1 knows that he puts on his shoes or goes to school in socks, he makes his bed or doesn't have time for a nice breakfast (banana on the way to school) etc etc. It evolved from a stressful shouty morning routine until I realised that there were no consequences for him ignoring me. Once I called his bluff a few times it works well now.

It's about teaching him to take responsibility for his own actions - a good lesson I think.

ScummyMummy · 25/01/2006 11:54

I really disagree, alexmum. I think it's bad (in a minor way, but nonetheless bad!) for a 5 year old to think that there is an optional element to getting dressed- she's old enough to know that, really, there isn't. If a short trip up the road in her pjs helps her learn, hopefully in quite a humourous way, that in our culture getting dressed is an expected and non-optional requirement and not an invitation to a power struggle, I think it will be a good thing for the whole of scatterbrain's family. There are enough real problems with no right or wrong answers in most families without having fisticuffs over the non-negotiables, imo.

Blu · 25/01/2006 12:00

Scatterbrain - DS is a bit younger, but I am sure he wouldn't get dressed on his own while we did other things, like shower. What about you and she getdressed together? Or one of you dresses with her, (helping each other) while the other gets the breakfast ready - that's what e do.

And definitely stick to the routine at w/e too, even if it is an hour later - at least until she is co-operating.

Also, I wouldn't use your own inconvenience as a persuading factor - that just emphasises EXACTLY how much power she has, and if she is manipulating you, she will use it all the more. Instead, tell her how silly she would look going to school in her pj's, how you can both get dressed and look nice, and star chart if she dresses alongside you and finishes by the time you are dressed.

And if she ISN'T dressed, don't make a fuss or shout, just calmly cary on with breakfast, and calmly lead her out in her pjs. (maybe give yourself an extra 15 mins on the first day, so that if she has a sudden change of heart at that moment, you have the time in hand to let her get dressed!)

geekgrrl · 25/01/2006 12:01

oh yes, mine all have to be dressed & breakfasted before they're allowed cbeebies. works a treat.

and I'm sorry to disagree alex, but a 5 year old is plenty big enough for this.

Blu · 25/01/2006 12:03

I do agree with Alexmum that 5 year olds need some supervision / accompaniment to get dressed.

fennel · 25/01/2006 12:03

i tried the pyjama route one day. unfortunately dd1 called my bluff. she is esoteric in her style and would enjoy going to school in pyjamas. it ended in a showdown with her getting dressed at our front gate, but i think she'd have been quite happy to go all the way in pyjamas.

actually my favourite is to dump dd1 and all her clothes in the back garden and not let her back til she's dressed. it used to work well but now i go for the earlier-bed thread and cbeebies incentive instead.

getbakainyourjimjams · 25/01/2006 12:07

I'm for a star chart.

Ds1 goes through phases of this. He is 6 non-verbal autistic. He can't get dressed himself, but he can get undressed, and he can run off. He thinks this is hilarious. I've found myself getting more and more flustered as I know the shcool bus is coming and he gets more and more defiant.

What has worked with him is an immediate reward. So I hold up a biscuit (or if he is very into a toy/object I take that off him and hold it in front of him). As he reaches for it I say "dressed first then biscuit" or whatever it is. If he wants the thing strongly enough he will let me dress him immediately without messing around.

In yuor dd's case she should respond to a star chart- but if she doesn't try something that she will really want for an immediate reward. I suppose an NT child might be clued up enough to then not get dressed until offered the reward (ds1 hasn't become reward dependent), but I think you can keep an eye on that- or offer something that doesn't really matter if she does have it every day for a while.

ScummyMummy · 25/01/2006 12:07

lol fennel- I must admit I was v scared that my son would call my bluff too, hence my mean comment about his pjs- below the belt really but hey, perfection is not a desorable trait in a mother, I hear. Do agree that supervision/encouragement is needed for 5 year olds- was kind of assuming that jollying along and delighted exclaimations at socks being pulled on had already been tried and tested and come back with a great red F grade.

getbakainyourjimjams · 25/01/2006 12:08

oh didn;t make it clear- what ds1 does is get undressed as I get him dressed- it's very annoying.

ScummyMummy · 25/01/2006 12:12

Bet it's infuriating, baka. Sounds like you are handling it like a star though.

Blu · 25/01/2006 12:15

LOL. Scummy - this will be engraved on my heart.

snowleopard · 25/01/2006 12:19

It's a bit harsh but someone I know said they told their stroppy child "OK we're off to school at X time, whether you are dressed, in your pjs or naked." Apparently it only took once of being led outside to go to school in pjs... and she changed her mind pdq

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