The incredibly fussy eaters thread

[boschy]

Following on from the thread on AIBU, this is the place for those with incredibly fussy/food phobic kids! If you are fed up with the "eat what they're given or let them starve" brigade, this is the place for you.

(If you ARE one of the 'eat or starve' brigade, please look away now - this thread is not for you, unless of course you've just had the Damascene conversion having discovered that your child is not the great eater you always thought he/she would be, down to your incredible parenting skills and totally relaxed attitude to food.)

My fussy eater is DD1, now 15. All was fine til she hit 12 months - easy to wean, I Annabel-Karmel-ed frantically etc etc.

But overnight she just. stopped. eating. And when she started again she knew exactly what she would and wouldn't eat. We had the tears and tantrums (from me) til I realised it was going nowhere. So 14 years later, here we are.

Her current repertoire is, in no particular order: macaroni cheese (no crispy top). garlic bread. breaded chicken products. chips. pizza with tomato sauce, no cheese. cold chicken (from a packet, not off the roast). spaghetti hoops in tomato sauce. Heinz tomato soup. Milano salami. pistachio nuts. crisps. any sort of bread as long as it doesnt have bits in. wraps. bananas. Innocent fruit smoothies (hurrah!). occasional off-piste forays into things like turkey schnitzel - successful; burgers/lasagne/bolognese - not successful.

She's bored with not being able to eat what everyone else does, but cant bring herself to try. I just try to keep going with the idea that she can try whatever she likes whenever she likes, and that she will grow out of it.

This thread is making me very happy too - thank you!

DS is my only child. He's now 2.3 and bf obsessively but never accepted a bottle. Weaning was difficult from the start. I lost confidence as he refused any spoon-feeding and yet clearly wasn't interested in SO many foods and I thought it was my fault in some way (still do). :(

He has speech delay as well so I don't feel I can reason with him and he can't communicate to me how he feels about food. If I try and put anything new on the plate it is calmly tossed on to the floor or it is handed back to me straight away. If I put a whole new dish in front of him he just won't eat and tantrums. And he is a moody bugger difficult if hungry. So I have largely given in for now and feed him what he enjoys.

Oh and he goes to nursery 3 days a week and is faced with lots of varied meals and eats nothing those days except bread - so much for the 'starve them' and 'peer pressure' theories! The staff are half-mortified, half-fascinated by him.

His current repertoire:

Ready Brek
Fruit (thank God): banana, peaches, pears, apples, pineapple. Used to love but now won't touch: grapes, strawberries.
Sweet potato, which he has pretty much every teatime. He's being a bit funny about it at present though...
Fishfingers
Sausages (only cocktail sausages or frankfurters)
Sausage rolls
Pork pies (I know! Weirdo)
Chicken nuggets or goujons, but not roast or any other type.
Bread in most of its forms including wholemeal, seedy types
Cream cheese
Babybels but no other hard cheese
Rice cakes, crackers, breadsticks
Yoghurt - any type at all, from Greek with puree mixed in, to Activia with proper bits
Raisins, biscuits, cake, chocolate - a given!
Jam
Milk
Juice
Water

That's basically it. No pasta. No rice. No white potato. No pizza. Nothing in a sauce. No veg. Has NEVER touched any of those things from the beginning.

As most of you have said, I don't care if he doesn't want anything 'sophisticated', I just wish he'd eat normal kids food.

Half-mortified, half-fascinated - exactly how I feel.

I think the above diet to me is absolutely fine for his age. He's going for the protein and high fat foods which is great because it keeps him feeling full for longer. He's eating a few varieties of fruit and veg. His diet is absolutely fine nutritionally I would say, for his age.

It sounds as though the only thing you have to be aware of is that messy food is something he needs to get used to eventually. Try to encourage him to always use a fork as that's one of the main obstacles with messy food. They associate food with fingers and then suddenly it's 'icky' to them. Doing messy play with him will really help.

Hopefully, once the association with hands and food is gone, he may put his fork into some tomato pasta without noticing it's new.

There's a link above to why they become wary of new foods at this age and it's perfectly normal. How we react to that sometimes determines whether it becomes a problem. Unfortunately it's perfectly normal for a parent to panic when their child doesn't eat so we can all end up in a pickle - and it's normal.

I've just read a page or so of this, might have found my spiritual home!
DS1 is my fussy eater, he will not eat wet savoury food of any description. So no sauce, gravy, ketchup etc. He will not eat eggs, tuna, pasta, fish, rice.
He will eat:
bread - no bits
fruit - most
veg - sweetcorn and carrots, v rarely broccoli
cheddar cheese
sausages
chicken nuggets
burgers - processed, not homemade
pizza (if he can't tell there's any tomato/sauce)
potato in it's most processed forms (not mash tho)
roast meat - white only and slices

Drives us up the wall as you simply can't cook a spaghetti bolognese, or meatballs, or stew etc.
He adheres to the "yes, I will starve" policy of food refusal, peer pressure makes no difference, nor do threats and bribes.
DS2 will eat and try everything, he loves all sorts of fish, meat, will try any veg. Completely putting paid to the bad parenting accusations as they were treated exactly the same and DS2 had the added bad example of DS1 to follow.
I'm interested in, ws it fio mentioning messy play? DS1 hated that sort of thing as a small child would get most distressed at the thought of even putting on an apron let alone getting grubby!
They are 7 and 5 btw, DD is 3 and morelike DS2.

Yes, messy play has a big connection with food choices. At around 1.5-2, they start chewing properly and naturally want to know whether food is safe so they will often go with foods that make 'sense' to them. Often it tends to be stuff they can eat with their fingers - they 'test' it that way.

As their sense of touch develops they become sensitive to different textures. The hands are hugely sensitive, as is the mouth, and the processing of that information combines, to enable them to understand different textures. It adds to their understanding of what's good and what's bad to eat.

In order for us to increase the variety of their food they need to understand that it's OK to try things. The messy play reinforces that as they learn that touching something strange won't harm them.

hi fio no not brusque at all! your post above makes a LOT of sense to me actually, I need to think about it especially the idea that there is some sort of compensation going on. Will have to mull it over.

God, it's all so complicated isnt it?!! and I like the comment above about 'half mortified, half fascinated' - totally get that.

on another quick read through I think it is interesting that a lot of these children are sensitive in some way shape or form, and maybe the food thing is an expression of that in an area they CAN control - whereas they cant control something like the weather, or whether they go to nursery.

also other medical issues - DD1 had surgery for a squint and surgery for glue ear, both before she was 5. No one would say that either was obviously related to food, but maybe subconsciously the stress that those involved made sticking to tried and trusted foods a safe option?

Thanks pretendhousewife and fio, it does make sense now looking back at DS1's reactions to messy play. However now he's 7 he enjoys grubbing about in the garden and "helping" cook - but, thinking about it, he's always the one with a trowel or a spoon - not the one (DS2!) who is always sticky.
He's started Junior school now, is a quiet, bookish boy - but has shown a sudden interest in hockey! I've signed him up (like lightening) for the after school club and I'm hoping this will help in several ways - confidence, exercise and fingers crossed - he'll get hungry.
He has school dinners, otherwise he'd eat the same cheese sandwich and yoghurt every single day and I'd have to cope with feeding all 3 dinner when one is so challenging. they report back if he doesn't eat anything at all, and he's under strict instructions not to have the "picnic" option available at this school - bless him, he'd tried to get away with it, but tearfully told me the day after I'd forbidden him - the picnic had egg in it. he was quite traumatised!
He seems happy enough, I sometimes wonder if he quite enjoys the label of "fussy" and the extra lengths we have to go to - if we're out say - to get him food he'll eat.

Boschy the control aspect makes some sense with my DS. Apart from having dyspraxia, which means he has to concentrate very hard on everything from sitting still to writing at school (which he manages well but means he comes home grumpy and exhausted) he is very long sighted.

This was picked up late, but he had already developed so many coping strategies like clinging to me in case I disappeared from view, or sitting in the best place at school, and I think he is used to making decisions that give him some control over a world that, until he got glasses, must have been quite difficult to deal with.

Not sure I've explained that very well though. Minor victory last night though as he ate some fairly rare steak and enjoyed it much more than his brothers did. Don't usually get positive reactions to food from him, just absence of complaints!

alana that's interesting - DD1 is dyslexic and like your DH has to concentrate such a lot on things that are done without thinking by others.

pepper I used to wonder about enjoying the fussy label, but DD says to me now that she hates it, she would LOVE to be able to eat different things but she just cant bring herself to do it.

all very interesting. I have a fussy eater too in DS1 (6). He won't eat any fruit at all which makes the fruit only snack policy at school a PITA. Quite a lot of food he simply won't try at all. He does eat certain things, but not really the stuff which you might think a child would like, for example, he will eat eggs, fish and most vegetables! No chips or potatoes though and doesn't like sweets, but does like chocolate.

DS2 (nearly 2) on the other hand seems to eat pretty much everything.

I have no clue why this is, but suspect that DS1 experiences flavours more intensely and also used to be quite fussy about texture and temperature.

I never got to be the smug mum about eating which with the benefit of hindsight is probably a good thing!

Alana you've hit on something here regarding risk taking. A child with dyspraxia or any other disorder that makes them feel unsure about the world around them will have developed skills to ensure that the adults around him are doing what he needs to keep safe. That skill may also come in handy if they become wary of taking risks with food. Eating new foods is about taking risks and trusting the adults around you that gave you the food.

Interesting that the food he decides to take risks with is rare steak though! Good that he's getting the opportunity to try things like that.

Funnys have you tried asking them to offer him raw veg like carrot sticks instead of fruit at school?

thanks pretend yes, thats what he takes everyday. It is the only thing he will eat on the raw fruit and vegetable spectrum, and it's a PITA peeling a carrott at 7.30 am I can tell you! We have tried everything, he won't even eat raisins now!

Pretend that makes perfect sense.

I think that I have previously got too emotional about the food rejection as a reaction to the guilt I felt that I hadn't spotted DS's problems sooner (which I know is silly as OT and orthoptist both said he had developed very effective coping strategies that masked his difficulties until experienced reception teachers spent time with him).

Since relaxing about it and going with what he will eat I try to keep the stress in the kitchen when producing at least 2 different meals a day rather than at the table. He still has his moments but I am reacting much less.

funnys - if you keep carrot sticks in cold water in the fridge, they keep perfectly well - just dry them off before bunging in lunchbox.

As far as I know, DS doesn't have any SN but he has always had a problem with loud noises. He cannot bear the noise of the vacuum cleaner or hand dryer and hated white noise as a baby. He is also terrified of showers. Having said that, he would much rather listen to drum and bass than classical so that may just be him being picky

thanks Christine that's a tip worth knowing

Thanks pretendhousewife, that's great. I took DS to a messy play thing yesterday and he had no issue messing with glitter, glue, sand, water, playdoh. I can see there is trouble with 'wet' food - if he was confronted with it he wouldn't stick his finger in it, he would investigate it with a spoon. But I guess that's not unusual at his age.

Nursery say he will sometimes lick a 'new' food, which I suppose is something. I think he expects to not like it so doesn't let himself, iyswim, and so it is definitely psychological, but who knows where from! DH was a very fussy eater until he went to university, when he made the conscious effort to eat different things. So I'm blaming him :)

Fio - DS doesn't sound too similar to yours tbh, he is quite a sociable boy for the most part: he has shy/clingy phases too but nothing unusual, and loves animals and other (especially older) kids. He is averagely physical I would say, and definitely not tidy! The only thing that matches up is that he also had bad glue ear and had grommets put in 3 months ago, and adenoids out. It hasn't made any noticeable difference on his eating though, as I'd hoped, or his speech for that matter :(

This thread is so interesting!

Oh I forgot to mention. DS always leaves his food until it's cold - so never eats his dinners hot, or even warm. Cold mashed sweet potato - yuck! Anyone else's DS like this about temp?

musicmaiden your son is showing intelligence by prodding the food - he's working out what's in it. Good that he uses a fork. And yes, if in doubt blame Dad, that's what they're there for isn't it? No matter how rational you are about it, he will be picking up Daddy's habits too.

I remember when my kids were suspicious about a food I would get them to smell it. Sometimes they would then go and taste it, sometimes not.

That KFC ad is making me want to throw something very big and heavy at the telly at the moment.

Small girl says "Mum says Tom's got a black belt in fussy eating but I think he's only fussy at his own house". Tom smirks and wolfs down a bit of processed yellow breaded chicken as the children are so happy and hungry after their karate lesson.

I WANT TO KILL THEM ALL!!! (despite the fact that DD1 happily eats KFC). "only fussy at his own house" my feckin arse.

Hey Fiolondon-I'm sorry your Christmas was so awful. What has your DS given up now?

DS1 got his request of gnocchi and frankfurters and choc coins-I couldn't handle the stress of trying to persuade him to taste anything else. Luckily the rest of the family arrived late and the kids had already eaten-the comments would have really pissed me off...

Can't see any amazing improvement in the new year-same old same old over here-sorry I can't help! My resolution is to be as unbothered about it as possible, but I have to admit that like you I am looking forward to DS returning to school (school dinners only-tis the French way) on Tuesday to give me a break from cooking him crap repetitive food!

Happy new year btw :)

My boys both had jam sandwiches while we were tucking in to Christmas dinner but thankfully my parents didn't bat an eyelid! it is bloody annoying though.

Please can I join? I am starting to get really upset as DDs worsening eating. I do blame myself as she has quite a restricted duet when weaning as I was just so tired all the time. She is 17 months. Current list:

Bananas
Yoghurt
Bread
Cream cheese
Any crackers or breadsticks
Fruit purée
Cereals
Baby sweetcorn
Broccoli
Beans
Blueberries
Snack bars or biscuits e.g organic range
Pasta with a few tomato sauces
Lentils
Oatcakes
Raisins
Occasional tastes of veggie burgers
Occasional tastes of things like roast parsnips

I worry constantly about her nutrient levels. For now she is still breastfed so I know she is getting some good stuff. I really need an action plan