Self loathing procrastinators and perpetual under achievers sign in here

[Bumperlicious]

Just been on the 3 things I don't know about you thread and there seems to be quite a few people who are procrastinators but hate it.

I am full of good ideas and potential but rarely motivated enough to do anything about it. I have always been intelligent but have to some extent squandered it on trashy novels and trashy tv. I feel like I just haven't found my niche in life. I try lots of things but don't often stick to them. I have a good degree and MSc and am in a respectable but not well paid job which I don't really enjoy.

I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and feel permanently top tired to do anything but feel crap at not achieving anything.

Anyone else care to join me?

Count me in

Everyone thinks I m super organised but in relaity i only jsut about get things done by the skin of my teeth.

Like GetorfmI have a responsible job but 90% o the time feel like fraud and dwell on the things I have messed up rather than the things I have done well.

I seem to spend all my free time on MN or FB whch makes me feel like a slobby cow.

Still have yet to ind my niche, I would love to be able to do one thing really well.

Are you under achieving or are you over reaching?

When i had a 3 year old and a 3 month old, I had achieved if they were both alive and dressed in SOMETHING by teatime!

'Are you under achieving or are you over reaching?'

I'm not sure which is more depressing really?

ladywellian we don't hate you, (didn't send you one either BUT THAT'S BECAUSE WE THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING TO SEE US! (and we still haven't drunk the champagne!)

I sometimes procanstinate, don't we all?

But I refuse to be self loathing.

In fact, I would advocate focussing on all you do achieve rather than on what you don't.

Then, as Bonsoir stated above, I would hone in on a much smaller list of what you want to do.

Plans to lose eight stones, be the best Mother in the world, set up a multi million dollar business and volunteer six days a week will rarely pay dividends.

Also, when you do make a plan, make it in detail. Vague threats to 'be groomed' or 'write a book' are hopeless.
State what you want and how you propose to do it, including a start date.

I think this is the thread for me. I'm like a duck (don't even have the confidence to compare myself to a swan so duck it is). I look like I'm swimming around all happy but under the surface I'm a mess!!

I have a half decorated house, a pile of started but never finished projects (family tree, knitted patchwork blanket etc), exercise equipment gathering dust, research in to new careers that I don't have the guts to do, unfinished qualification and a constant feeling that I'm just not as good as everyone else. I hide this by being a complete bitch to people I'm secretly jealous of.

I have a 2 year old dd and a job. I used to be quite driven but since having dd I feel no enthusiasm for my career. In fact it has become a job rather than a career. Maybe one day I will take a leap and find something else. More likely I will look in to it and never do it

Lil - you are imvho, setting yourself up for failure, with a list that is far too big to achieve with a young child and a full time job.

What you want to sort out first? Work? Decorating? Fitness?

I probably need to sort out the house first. After all it's where we live and spend a lot of time. I think a career change is not a very responsible thing to do when dd is so young. I would like to get fit so I think that comes in second under house. All the other never finished hobbies can stay that way. They are things I should probably leave until I'm retired.

I think my only succes is trying everything!! Shame I never finish anything. I suppose there are more important things in life than knowing your third cousin twice removed or knowing how to Zumba. I actually feel a bit better having been realistic about what matters.

Don't underestimate the feeling of control and achievement that having a sorted and well-run house procures .

You know, I think I'll test that theory.
I'm very aware that I put off doing things that could educate/interest me as I feel guilty doing things for myself when there's always something that needs doing at home.

It's as if the jobs weigh in my mind and prevent me from moving on, yet I avoid doing them because they're 'boring' and unstimulating.

And it's not something a cleaner could solve; I actually don't find it too onerous to keep my house reasonably clean, it's the organisation where I fall down.

Right, will start today by putting the sleeping bags in the loft, which have hung around since DH insisted we take them with us on snowy car journeys!

I wouldnt put those sleeping bags away just yet as the snow is coming down thick and fast where I live.

I think my first job is putting the xmas tree in the loft!! Then I need to find the wallpaper steamer. rummages in back of wardrobe for gym ball and fitness dvd

And me. I gave up work a couple of years ago (it wasn't the kind of job that mixed well with having a family and trying to do it part time nearly sent me insane) but now I feel like a very purposeless underachiever who Ought To Be Doing More With Her Life. But I have no idea what.

Signing myself up for this thread. I'm surprised to see so many people feel the same way.

I have a 2yr old, a 10 month old and a pt job I can offer as excuses for not doing much at the moment but I know really even if I didn't I probably wouldn't be achieving much anyway - feel as though I have potential but no idea how best to direct it so end up just frittering my days away.

First day off (no children, no work) in months today and I'm wasting it by having a lie-in and lurking on MN.

Jajas - see I've only got the last two years Xmas trees in the garden. I feel better already!

This is me too:

"Look in the mirror and think I look like a pile of crap.

I am very reserved and know I came across as frosty and standoffish.

If you met me you would think I was the most confident person ever (and a stuck up cow) bvut inside I am a nervous wreck and I think you are laughing at my shoes or something.

And if anyone ever says anything horrible I dwell on it for years and years.

And I never do anything outside work. i have no hobbies or skills. Je suis un boring bastard"

Bonsoir
'Don't underestimate the feeling of control and achievement that having a sorted and well-run house procures '

• exactly! That's the sense of control and achievement I am seeking.

Having been a secondary school teacher for 14 years, I definitely don't begrudge myself a couple of years as a SAHM. I don't feel at all guilty about not working, it's just that I'm not sure I'm very good at being a SAHM! And I miss the money. Now that I am not earning, I suddenly have this feeling that my house would only look better if I spent loads of money on decorating and stuff. Whereas the truth is that getting off my arse and tidying up would really do the trick.
I don't know if any of the rest of you are like this, but part of my problem is that I'm addicted to change. I always think that the next change I make will make me happier / more relaxed or whatever. So I change something (my hairstyle, the way the furniture's arranged, take up a new hobby, join something etc. etc.), and when that project doesn't radically change my life, I immediately start looking for the next thing. Gah!

I know exactly what you mean about being addicted to change!

Bonsoir I'm not sure having a more conrolled household would make me feel much better.

I'm totally addicted to change too, and constantly try to find changes and, more importantly, improvements to make to my life better. I don't think that any single change is going to be life-altering of itself, however - it's the constant small improvements that add up to major change, IMO. So that you can look back at yourself say, 5 years ago, and realise just how far you have come.

Apparently procrastination is a proper disorder and nothing short of cognitive behavioural therapy will sort it out.

I put off everything til later. I'm always late (like 6 months late) filing my tax returns. Any admin work is done at the last possible moment. I have an essay due on Tuesday and have to read an 800 pp novel and loads of critics and write it. In 4 days.

I realised that I come under the type of procrastinator who would prefer that people thought she can't be arsed rather than that she can't do a good job. Hence, I do my essays on the evening of the deadline- when I get 2.1 I can say that it's still amazing, considering how little time I had. I am too afraid to give myself lots of time to write it in case I'l put in a lot of effort and will not get a first .

It really affects my life

I think that's called perfectionism and it's probably a common reason for procrastination.

Rather than the perfectionist always doing an immacculate job, which is what the term implies, they are actually so concerned that everything they do has to be perfect or it's not worth the effort that they fall into procrastination.

The thought of the effort required to achieve perfection, or the possibility that, as winnybella says, they might expend a huge amount of effort but still not achieve these heady heights, is what stymies any hopes to change.

I also think you can alter your thoughts about your procrastination/need for change/perfectionism/laziness a bit yourself if you work through it.

I do make sure I give up beating myself up after a while otherwise it becomes counterproductive. In fact, giving in to indulging myself - but accepting that this is what I'm doing - is the way I kick start my motivation. but it has taken me years to learn that this works for me. So I simply say - yes, I'm exhausted, yes I've taken on too much, yes, EVERYTHING is a tip. So I'll do ONE thing, but after I have allowed myself to slob/rest/do nothing etc.

The problem as others have said is not doing anything well, including your downtime. So you sit with the kids worrying about work, worry about kids when working, sit on your arse on MN but think you should be doing something else. So let's all allow ourselves to sit on our arses, but recognise at some point that has to stop.

For instance today I am marking at home and working on some revisions to a paper. I use MN as a motivational resource: bit of work, quick post, bit more work, quick post. I think I get more done this way than staring blankly at work worrying about it (or not doing it). But it helps to structure things a bit - so I use the old writers' trick of leaving a sentence (or a piece of work) half finished, so you have something to immediately go back to. I have started doing this with laundry (which is contrary to what all the anal retentives do 'No! You MUST put it all away immediately or you will die!'...) I know that I will do it if I start the job, distract myself purposefully, knowing I've got to finish it, and then go back. So I do a BIT of editing, or half write a paragraph. MN. Then a bit more. I mark two essays. MN. etc. With laundry I force myself to at least sort it into piles per person, to be put away next.

Sometimes, though - if I chip away at myself like this when demotivated - I surprise myself when the 'flow' comes, and I can work solidly, non-stop, for hours and hours, completely focused and driven. Even on housework.

I suppose - being in a 'thinking' and 'writing' profession, I have had to accept that this is just how I work and wild horses are not going to drag me away from it. I am much better when nibbling at things. It's the avoidance of them that is hardest though and when I know I'm really avoiding something, that's when I have to slap myself into action. Doesn't always work but I'm getting better at it.

What I do need to work on much more now is saying NO to things and planning contingency time. Rubbish at this.

Procrastination can also be a healthy signal though - it can mean that you are not sure you should be doing the thing you are setting out to achieve. Sometimes procrastination is a sign to reassess your objectives.

That would be every single thing I set out to do in my case, Bonsoir
Except reading and smoking And MNtting, of course.

Hmm. I am simultaneously über-conscientious and a massive procrastinator. I (mostly) procrastinate when I am not sure I really ought to be doing the thing I am setting out to do or it is right down the list of my immediate priorities (even though it still requires completion - think dentist, gynaecologist...) or committing large sums of money (cars, houses, investments).

Well, I will act swiftly if it concerns dcs' health. Or if it's something that will benefit me quickly (depositing a check etc).
And I'll be doing time-consuming things (like cooking an elaborate meal) so as to give myself an excuse to not to do the thing I'm supposed to be doing (admin, for example).
And I'm still here, arrgh, DD is having a nap and I should be reading Lewes and Taine, ffs