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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Frustrated father - advice please

200 replies

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 01:32

My wife is still breastfeeding and still has our baby in our bed every night. I've been pleading for months for her to be in her own cot, preferably in her own room for months now but to no avail. I think my wife's just very lazy. I can't even get a routine going and it's often past 10pm when they go to bed and often 10am when they get up. It's driving me mad!! Our baby is 17 months old!

So...... how on earth can we now get her in her own room? How can we get her to bed at a set hour each evening? How can we get her off her mums breast? I try often but she doesn't seem to be bothered. Fact is it's meaning we never get any time together..... we can't have a night out....... we can't even have a cuddle in bed. This really has to stop.

I've recently been trying to give her warmed cows milk with a little sugar but she's utterly uninterested. As she is also with hot chocolate or any other way i try and serve it. Can anyone give any suggestions please? I've tried giving in a beaker, a cup with a straw and even an adult mug. She just doesn't want to know.

So really asap i want her in her own cot, own room, off the breast, and in bed early evening. tips plz! :)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Loopymumsy · 02/10/2010 05:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 05:59

Why don't you get a cot for yourself? You sound as if you belong in one.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 06:08

Seriously though, do you honestly believe that forcing your wife to give up breastfeeding, overruling her mothering instincts, and banishing the baby to her own cot in another room will make your wife want to cuddle with you again?

If yes, you are delusional.

HappySeven · 02/10/2010 07:03

It sounds like you have forgotten about your wife in all this. I can see how it frustrates you but I can completely understand the responses above.

Have you spoken to your wife? Have you said that you miss her and would like some quality time with her? I would talk about time how you would like to take her out to dinner as "cuddles" sounds like a euphemism for sex and maybe after 17 months that is becoming daunting. Sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe you have a healthy sex life but it does sound as though the baby comes between you and that it your complaint.

To make any changes as dramatic as you would like you are going to have to work together. I certainly wouldn't be adding sugar to cow's milk but maybe your wife could express some milk for you to give in a cup. Perhaps if you show some genuine interest in the baby rather than wanting to get rid of her to another room your wife will open up and you will find there's more to this than you think.

Please go gently - she probably misses the way you both were before baby too.

NotAnotherBrick · 02/10/2010 07:05

Surely this is a wind-up!? Have you read the poster's name?

HappySeven · 02/10/2010 07:11

Er no, I didn't. Don't think I'm fully-functioning after an early morning!

NotAnotherBrick · 02/10/2010 07:15

If the OP is real, I had been willing to be sympathetic and see it from his point of view, but he clearly has no wish at all to see it from his tiny baby's and his wife's point of view at all - he called her lazy FFS!

singarainbow · 02/10/2010 07:36

what a lovely sensitive & supportive husband and father..............

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 16:36

Oh wow. Before i posted here i was wary that it would be full of women with nothing much else better to do. Oh how you didn't disappoint! :) I really hoped there could be some sensible advice but obviously this forum, like many, has more trolls than actual constructive posters.

I joined and posted for some real advice. Myself AND my wife want to get this sorted and don't really know how to achieve weaning and getting her into her own cot at a sensible hour. The things i've tried i listed in OP. Unfortunately my wife is lazy..... ok let's say lethargic. It doesn't mean we don't love each other with all our hearts and it also doesn't make me a bad dad.... but i guess you wouldn't know that as you don't know me or my wife! She has a 'if it can wait til tomorrow i'll do it next week' attitude but she does realize we need to get things sorted so we can get some of our own life back..... That's important isn't it? I'm sorry if you take offense at me calling my wife lazy but maybe you're all a little delluded if you think there are no lazy people on this planet.

Mathanxiety - Who mentioned forcing my wife to give up? Who said this is all so i can get a 'cuddle'? Your mind i can only guess. I want this to happen (so does my wife) so we can have a night out..... so we can have time together on an evening..... so our daughter gets some sort of routine..... so she gains some independance...... so she wakes earlier....... so she's not 100% dependant on Mum.,..... and many other reasons.

Happyseven - no, 'cuddles' is not a euphimism for 'sex'. It just means some quality time together in an evening. And how dare you accuse me of not showing genuine interest in my own child. I'm pretty gobsmacked tbh!

NotAnotherBrick - You don't know my wife so how can you say she ISN'T lazy? I happen to know her and love her very much indeed. Her laziness is an issue she knows about and is something she's actively trying to address. Getting our baby off the breast and into her own bed is part of that.

So thanks all for the comments. It didn't surprise me much. This seems like a man-free zone so maybe i should ask my wife to post something and see what response she gets.

So, please no more trolling or snidy comments about me being an unloving typical b$st*rd of a man! If there is anyone with any constructive advice i would still be pleased to listen.

Cheers

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 02/10/2010 16:44

My constructive advice is to listen to your wife rather than calling her lazy.

Does she want your baby in a cot? Because your OP certainly sounds like you want your baby in a cot so you and your wife can be intimate.

This is why you are getting the responses you are getting. Because you come across as a troll.

And a demanding partner and father.

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/10/2010 16:48

narmada · 02/10/2010 16:49

My constructive advice to you is to f* off, whether you are for real or not.

Maybe your wife is totally knackered from caring for a small child/ night-waking. Maybe she is depressed because she is married to you. Tiredness and lethargy can be a symptom.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:02

Believe me, if she wanted the baby in the cot in her own room, the baby would be in a cot in her own room and there would be a 'sensible' bedtime, whatever that means.

Newsflash -- the baby is 17 months old and is therefore completely dependent on the adults in her life for absolutely everything she needs. She will be dependent on the adults in varying degrees until she is about 13, maybe even older, when she will be able to cook simple meals for herself.

Your wife is dependent on you to provide support for her and the baby at this most important period in the baby's life. That means you are not going to be front and centre in your own home for a while.

It sounds very much as if you can't handle that, and that this whole baby thing has lost its shine for you as the full implications of life with a baby have sunk in.

And it sounds as if you have an overbearing and domineering nature and a touch of jealousy too.

jetgirl · 02/10/2010 17:13

Could your wife be suffering from pnd? You really do not sound sympathatic to her needs or what she might be going through. Sorry if you've found other posters offensive in some way, but you need to take a ong look at yourself and your attitude before you start accusing the wise women of mumsnet. You should be incredibly proud that your wife has given your child the absolute best start in life. Breastfeeding is exhausting work, as is looking after a house and husband, which I presume she is doing if she is not working. In fact, you should be bloody grateful to her.
Why not try supporting what she wants to do, and how you should both go about it, instead of sounding as selfish as you do.

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:16

How many times should i say this is what we both want? That's me and her.... husband and wife..... never mind. I'll look elsewhere for advice. It's been lovely meeting you all.

Oh Narmada..... nice language you have there. Do you resemble the image you portray? I bet you do (lol)

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 02/10/2010 17:17

Try Netmums. They'll hun all over you. You'll enjoy it.

narmada · 02/10/2010 17:17

Good. Go away. Don't come back.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:22

Am I the only one with some sympathy for the bloke here?

I think with a 17 month old it's pretty reasonable to transfer over into a cot and for a couple to spend a bit of time together. Co-sleeping at that age is probably the exception rather than the rule.

I would start by decorating a nursery really nicely, and putting the baby in there for naps. I would play with the baby in the nursery a lot and promote it as a lovely place to be. Eventually I would put the baby down in the evening in the cot after a cosy bedtime routine (bath, last feed, lullaby). I would move the 10pm bedtime back 15 minutes each day until it was nearer 8pm. I would then make a point of leaving the baby for an hour or two once a week with a relative or close friend, because if anything happens to mum and the baby has never been left, it will be incredibly traumatic for her.

I don't know why everyone is making a big thing about attachment parenting - tweaking things a bit need not mean abandoning that, and anyway, it doesn't even sound like this is a deliberate philosophy in the OP's house, more a kind of default position because mum has been chugging along in the newborn zone, perfectly reasonable if there are no other children and if she doesn't do paid work, but not essential or necessary for a healthy child.

jetgirl · 02/10/2010 17:23

Ok, you say it's what you both want, but please re-read your op, it comes across as very 'me, me, me,'
'really asap I want her in her own cot'
'I've been pleading for months for her to be in her own cot'
'It's driving me mad'

Please tell us exactly what is your wife wants and we might be sympathetic to you

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:24

PS I think you lot were very rude and you wrongly leapt to all sorts of conclusions about possible mistreatment of childbearing women.

jetgirl · 02/10/2010 17:25

BoffinMum - I have sympathy with the situation, but the father does come across as a bit selfish. Your advice is very good and I hope he appreciates it!

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:29

wow thanks BoffinMum. I've already decorated our current homes nursery but at the moment she rarely spends time in there. We are actually about to move and i've just finished another nursery which looks great. Spending more time in there so she can get used to it is a great idea and something we can do as soon as we move.
We are already trying to actively get her to bed earlier which is fine but if there's something mum wants to see on TV or if Mums wide awake it means because baby sleeps with her that she stays up too.... often in Mums arms asleep.

I guess things can really start moving once we've moved.

Any tips for a baby that doesn't entertain cows milk? Just so people know..... we both want her weaned asap

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:30

It's not the attachment parenting that everyone is 100% behind though, it's the idea that one person can impose his will on another as seems to be going on despite the protestations of the OP. Any kind of parenting is fine (within limits even GF) IF both parents are happy with it.

A woman whose baby is in the bed with her and her husband wants things that way in my experience.

A man who posts an OP full of Me and I and 'I want' and 'cuddle' and 'She's lazy but she's aware of the problem and she's working on it' is a man who has not discussed this subject as an equal partner with his wife, but wants to have things his way. If he's been pleading for months, and is still hasn't happened it's because the wife here doesn't want the baby in her own cot in another room, weaned and independent. He is assuming she and he want the same thing and it doesn't seem to be the case, as shown by the pleading part.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:32

I think if the poor bloke wants a drink out with his wife and a bit of a canoodle after 17 months, that is actually quite reasonable and probably even to be encouraged. There's two people in a marriage. Wanting to be with your wife a bit does not equate with jealousy of a baby IMO. Not when the baby is 17 months, mobile, and starting to widen her own horizons anyway.

seeker · 02/10/2010 17:34

Re read your first post, OP. Look at the pronouns you use - then think about why you may not have had a sympathetic response.

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