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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Frustrated father - advice please

200 replies

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 01:32

My wife is still breastfeeding and still has our baby in our bed every night. I've been pleading for months for her to be in her own cot, preferably in her own room for months now but to no avail. I think my wife's just very lazy. I can't even get a routine going and it's often past 10pm when they go to bed and often 10am when they get up. It's driving me mad!! Our baby is 17 months old!

So...... how on earth can we now get her in her own room? How can we get her to bed at a set hour each evening? How can we get her off her mums breast? I try often but she doesn't seem to be bothered. Fact is it's meaning we never get any time together..... we can't have a night out....... we can't even have a cuddle in bed. This really has to stop.

I've recently been trying to give her warmed cows milk with a little sugar but she's utterly uninterested. As she is also with hot chocolate or any other way i try and serve it. Can anyone give any suggestions please? I've tried giving in a beaker, a cup with a straw and even an adult mug. She just doesn't want to know.

So really asap i want her in her own cot, own room, off the breast, and in bed early evening. tips plz! :)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:34

My OP sounded selfish btw because even tho we both want the results.... it's me who actively is trying to change things that will achieve them. It's me that's looking for ways we can acheive them (hence me being here.) I mentioned my wife was lazy because even though she wants the same results she keeps putting off actually doing anything about it. This is not just about all things baby, but her attitude to getting stuff done generally. She never cleaned her car out in 4 years even after being asked. You've never seen anything like it lol

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:37

Good luck with the idea that your wife will be able to relax and watch a film with baby peacefully asleep in the cot of an evening.

Do you really think it's just because she loves watching films holding a sleeping baby that she has adopted this strategy? No, it's because when the baby wakes and cries and she needs to get her back to sleep again, it can be accomplished without missing the film or leaving her nice comfortable spot on the couch. Or are you contemplating spending big chunks of your evenings soothing your baby back to sleep while your wife gets to watch a film after a long day of taking care of the baby and trying to get the housework done and any other work she has?

Who has made the wife aware of her 'laziness problem' and how?

Very interesting that it has been you who has done the decorating of the nurseries. Seems your wife has not played a part there? Have you asked yourself if she's as invested in the idea as you're implying she is?

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:40

It's the receptacle, not the flavour of what you are giving her, btw. To get a baby to take a bottle, mum really needs to express some milk regularly and put it into one, and a bottle needs to be offered on a daily basis until the baby gets used to it. There's no need to use cow's milk and I really wouldn't give my toddler (who is the same age) hot chocolate, sugar and so on, as it just teaches them to have a sweet tooth, which is a Bad Thing.

Mum can get very good support from the Health Visitor on transferring to the cot, as this is a common concern (albeit with slightly younger babies).

c0rns1lk · 02/10/2010 17:42

maybe your wife is not as keen on this change as you think she is. You sound a bit forceful tbh.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:43

Your OP sounded not selfish, but the OP of a domineering man who thinks he can ride roughshod over the wishes of his wife.

Your latest post shows even more of your true colours.

AnnaLies -- your wife doesn't want what you want.
She doesn't like being told to clean the car.
She doesn't want a nursery for the baby.
She doesn't want the baby weaned.
She doesn't want to be told what to do.
You are sounding like a really overbearing nag.

Wait a minute.
It was HER car that you told her to clean?
You told your wife to clean HER OWN car?

You didn't get the hint for four years that she would clean the car when she felt like cleaning her car, and not when you in your high and mightiness decided it was time the car was cleaned??? Get the hint she's giving you now.

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:44

math.....seriously..... why all the hate? Honestly.... pls explain? Bad experience?

I would love to be able to put my daughter to bed, sing her a lullaby, read her a story.

Can i ask you..... at what age do you think that it's reasonable for both parents to want a baby weaned and in her own cot? Why are you trying to talk us BOTH out of this?

I do most of the housework, and meal making, and working, and shopping btw. Just so you understand a bit better.

She played a big part in choosing the nursery decoration.... we did it together (as a happy family) but she (don't all women lol) had the final say. Both nurseries look fab :)

I put it to you that yr judging me on yr own past/current experiences. I'm sorry if that's the case. Maybe things will get better for you soon :)

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:45

What a surprise. A poster who has a set in stone opinion and outlook creates an obviously contentious post.

Doesn't get pat on back and arm round shoulder.

Clearly the entire website is wrong and you are right. Twat.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:45

He may be a bit overbearing.

But she may also be a bit wrapped up in herself. We don't know.

In the middle is a toddler who might well benefit from a little bit of time away from mum, and a marriage with ishoos, so I am advising from that point of view.

c0rns1lk · 02/10/2010 17:45

passive aggressive and domineering.Nice

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:46

I asked her after 4 yrs to clean her car because we were selling it. Is that ok with you? I ended up doing most of it myself.

Good grief.

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:47

Oh and, in an attempt to get sympathy, changes posting tone to "no, no, you don't understand, i'm lovely reeeeally".

Mate, if you admit you are clearly feeling jealous of the bond your DW and baby have, you may actually get somewhere.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2010 17:47

I think you should leave this lot to stew and ring the Health Visitor on Monday instead. She should be able to pop around and talk to both of you about this, and the advice many of them give on toddler issues can be quite helpful.

c0rns1lk · 02/10/2010 17:48

spot on techdad

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:49

Doing most of it yourself? It's a car, how long did it take?

Stop playing the martyr and actually look at yourself.

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:52

WTF? Are u serious? I'm not bothered about spending 30 mins hoovering and cleaning a car. I was just trying to point out that actually, my wife does put jobs off forever as most people here are making me out to be a liar.

Gotta love internet forums.... release the hounds!!! lmao. Over-reactions ftw!

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 02/10/2010 17:53

Gosh. Have you sat down with your wife and had a conversation about how you can wean the baby?

What you need to do is look at different ways that this can be achieved and then put the plan into action, together. You say your wife wants the same as you so what is it that is stopping this from happening?

Surely if you have had this conversation you can stick together to achieve it in an adult way as parents do?

LeninGrad · 02/10/2010 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:54

You just complained about washing the car. Or did you not just type that?

You seem to be pissed off that she doesn't do what you want, when you want.

You are also refusing to look at yourself in this.

If you wanted a resonable reaction, why post on an internet forum? You just pointed out that you'll get over reactions.

Seriously, what's the point of this thread? Do you want a pat on the back?

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:55

Thanks boffinmum. We'll have a chat (me and missus) later and see how we can take this forward. Time to get the pump out again i reckon and see how we go

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:57

Oh you poor put-upon man... For some strange reason even though you treat her like a complete princess and do all that you do (except cleaning out her car apparently) there's a really big problem getting a 17 month old sleeping in a cot in her own room?

Stop contradicting yourself about the details here. Your OP said I, Me, ASAP, etc. Then when challenged it was "we" both want this, "How can WE accomplish this thing we both want?". Then it was "I decorated both nurseries", now it's "we" did it, she picked out the decorations. Followed by "I do most of the housework, and meal making, (we call it 'cooking' btw) and working, and shopping" which will no doubt be modified by "well actually she does a bit of the shopping, and working, and stuff, and taking care of the toddler."

I don't hate you. I just feel terribly sorry for you, and I wish you could see the size of the hole you have dug for your relationship and how unhappy your wife is. And sad too that straight advice or insights that you don't like are met with defensiveness and snarky remarks of the "bad experience?" variety. Yes, I have had a bad experience, and if you're as smart as you think you are you will be open to learning from my observations here: the constant dripping, nagging, pressure, me, me, me thing you have going on is going to tear you and your wife apart if it hasn't already.

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:58

AnnaLies I'm sure you think I'm having a go at you because I think I'm some kind of internet warrior.

My points were that you don't seem willing to look at yourself, just want your DW to do what you want. If you can get over that, you'll be some way to finding a solution.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2010 17:59

If the HV can give advice on toddler issues that might be the way to go. As long as she realises who the toddler is in this family.

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:59

One other point, just because some women don't agree with you, doesn't mean they hate you.

It means, they don't agree with you.

And, judging by your posts, neither do I.

Original poster

AnnaLies · 02/10/2010 17:59

Fanjo - yeah we often chat about ways forward but we seem to have come to a dead end with both weaning and cot. We even discussed tough love and leaving her to cry in her cott for X amount of time each night. We'd been told this can be an effective way by a few people but neither of us could bear listening to crying so we never even tried it. A few positives have come from this thread and we can try some other stuff. When we got to the point of wanting other suggestions my 1st stop (rather foolishly obv) was here.

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 18:00

Why is coming here foolish? Just because you aren't being told what you want to hear?

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