Frustrated father - advice please

[AnnaLies]

My wife is still breastfeeding and still has our baby in our bed every night. I've been pleading for months for her to be in her own cot, preferably in her own room for months now but to no avail. I think my wife's just very lazy. I can't even get a routine going and it's often past 10pm when they go to bed and often 10am when they get up. It's driving me mad!! Our baby is 17 months old!

So...... how on earth can we now get her in her own room? How can we get her to bed at a set hour each evening? How can we get her off her mums breast? I try often but she doesn't seem to be bothered. Fact is it's meaning we never get any time together..... we can't have a night out....... we can't even have a cuddle in bed. This really has to stop.

I've recently been trying to give her warmed cows milk with a little sugar but she's utterly uninterested. As she is also with hot chocolate or any other way i try and serve it. Can anyone give any suggestions please? I've tried giving in a beaker, a cup with a straw and even an adult mug. She just doesn't want to know.

So really asap i want her in her own cot, own room, off the breast, and in bed early evening. tips plz! :)

I don't understand the OP's situation at all.

Is the wife for or against weaning? From the OP, it sounds like she is against or indifferent ('lazy', 'doesn't seem to be bothered').

Why is there the need to get the baby off the breast? Surely, it is possible to bf a 17-month old and STILL get 'us' time.

Why is it so important that the baby has to take milk/hot choc etc? I would expect a 17-month old to be on solids. So water during the day is fine. A baby who is bf-ing at 17 months is hardly doing it for the nourishment. It is doing it primarily for emotional/comfort reasons.

Fine to want the baby in her own bed, but I suspect this 'off the breast' thing is much more the OP seeing the baby as competition. It is unnecessary to achieving 'us' time to wean.

Is that the same Michel Odent who advises against men being present at the birth of their children? Gone off him...

He's quite annoying, that Michel. We got told about him in ante-natal classes. Everyone laughed.

My DH was quite keen on extended BFing: he liked nursing bras. I've stopped BFing now but if anyone had whinged at me for any period of time to stop doing it, DS would still be reaping the benefits.

One thing my son has taught me over the last two years is don't sweat the small stuff. This too will pass. Getting het up about stages in baby development doesn't help. So far I have worried about dummies, DS not eating certain foods, sleeping too little etc. But most phases seem to be short-lived, objectively speaking. Try to relax: your DD won't want to be seen with you in a few years' time.

Oh, and once DS went into his own room he was a dreadful sleeper...

regarding not giving milk..... Is this even an option? Can't speak to wife as she's asleep but i thought (and i think she does too) that milk's necessary in a baby/toddlers diet every day. Am i being stupid for thinking that?

They do need milk but at 17 mths I would say that they don't need it at night. Both mine gave it up at 10 months, that is to say, they slept through and I knew that they didn't need to feed at night so I no longer offered it after that.

Has your DD ever slept through the night, OP?

Would it be possible to compromise by continuing to bf during the day/evening but once your DD has gone to bed, don't feed her again until morning. Would you both feel that you had regain something by doing that?

That probably won't happen whilst she is sleeping in your bed though, because she has easy access to milk so I would still think getting her in a cot would be your first priority.

Frankly, I don't think we should post on this thread unless the OP's wife comes and says that she actually does agree with everything he's said.

There is not the slightest indication of "we" in the OP - and it was only when challenged that he came up with the "This is what we both want"

And the user name is the last straw.

OP

I've read almost half of this thread and will read the rest later - you seem to have dug yourself into a bit of a hole TBH and sounded quite twattish in your postings.
However, I think you have 2 separate issues here:

1)Sleep
2)BF

They aren't necessarily linked you know.

on the sleep front - DD (19 months)is still in with DH and I. We still get to go out (occasionally). I nurse her to sleep in bed in the evenings then come downstairs while she sleeps. Could your DW not do this? Maybe something to consider. Then you and DW could have rampant sex 'cuddles' on the sofa of an evening.
You can also go out. Most babies of this age tend to be a little 'out of sight, out of mmind' about milk. As long as the babysitter is someone known to her and who won't leave her to cry etc.

On BF front, do you really want her to wean your baby? at this point? Really?
It seems to be part of your DW's parenting style if she is still BF at this point. It works for her so why try and change it. You can bond in other ways.
Try posting about it in the breasfeeding bottle-feeding section. (but try to word it better or you'll just get everyone's back up).

Maybe also try to talk about it with your DW in a non-confrontational way and listen to her. She might just be smiling and nodding and say 'yes, yes' to get you off her back.

P.S Did you know the WHO recommend at least two years BF

"I know a woman that has coslept and BF her three children non stop for 8 years. I do think she is a loon and her DH is a saint."

In that case most women in the whole of human history have been loons and their husbands have been saints.

It really isn't that big a deal. Why are men so jealous of babies?

But also that Michel wotsit - why does he assume that people can't have sex just because one of them is breastfeeding?

What's all that about? Since when did breastfeeding or co-sleeping stop people fucking?

HB - Interesting question. We cosleep. People would say 'haha, that's your contraception sorted then.' I managed to get pg twice while cosleeping with prev. children. not sure how that could have happened. cos obviously you can only have sex in bed.

Niecie, you do realise that you are giving advice to the OP that is in direct contradiction of what his wife has been saying wrt the milk thing? I suspect AnnaLies is now telling her she is all wrong...

You can only have cuddles sex in bed furthermore only when there is absolutely no reminder anywhere near that the woman is now Mum (Yes, AnnaLies called his wife 'Mum' earlier, made me gag)

Am I? How's that then?

OP said he thought babies need milk, wife apparently agrees. I say babies do need milk, but they don't need it at night, not at 17 mths as evidenced by my two (and many others). I was under the impression that he was commenting on Blueshoes' comment about how a child of 17mth is on solids, only needs water during the day and isn't bfing for nourishment but comfort and enjoyment and I was agreeing with him up to a point. I see no contradiction.

If the baby is only getting water in the day then I think she needs milk as well. Not sure for how long but I think there's a recommendation for so much full fat milk per day up to the age of 5. Off to Google it, reporting back in a min.

And yeah, that name makes you look angry and bitter.

www.eatwell.gov.uk/healthydiet/nutritionessentials/milkanddairy/#elem224957

For your daughter, 300ml of milk a day, and it's full fat to 2 years not 5 years.

Openjar - I think the full fat thing has changed in the last few yrs as a response to the growing number of obese toddlers. Don't think they are meant to have skimmed until after 5 though.

So sorry, I got your name wrong Openerofjars.

That's okay, Niecie.

Can I just add: skimmed milk, ew ew ewwwww! Just my personal opinion and not a reflection on anyone's diet/dietary restrictions. But even thinking about it is making my tastebuds die a little...[melodramatic]

Well, I've certainly learned something new tonight,not least to bin my old baby care manuals and get revised editions.

He has said that the baby turns her nose up at cows' milk no matter what he has attempted to feed her from, cups, sippy cups, etc., etc., and hot chocolate too (presumably not really hot) so I assumed the only milk she has been getting is breastmilk. Advice about any other milk really means advice on weaning to cows' milk.

Maybe AnnaLies can clarify the situation here?

OMG attack of the rampant co-sleepers and lactivists! The poor guy just wants a bit of time to get his relationship back on track, give him a break. Not everyone likes co-sleeping - I hated it and as soon as I gave up trying we all had a better nights sleep. We are talking about a 17 month old not a newborn - weaning from BF is fine if that's what works for this couple. Sheesh..

'Couple' being the operative word though, not just if this works for AnnaLies.

As soon as you gave up trying you felt a lot better. You wanted to give up and therefore you did. AnnaLies' wife has not given up despite months of pleading by him, despite having a nursery all up and ready to go, and another one for when the house is sold apparently, and despite the fact that there is a cot for the toddler in their room. What that suggests to me is that she doesn't want to, and is possibly a 'rampant co-sleeper and lactivist'. If the wife here hated it she would have given it up.

mathanxiety - the OP was surprised that babies didn't need milk and that bfing was for comfort not nutrition according to blueshoes. He didn't say what sort of milk and nor did I so I don't see how I can be at odds with his opinions. He wants his DW to stop bfing. I suggested that might not be necessary if it was restricted to only daytimes. I see no contradiction there so
I'm sorry but I still don't understand what you are talking about.

katy1368 - you're right. I'm not surprised he hasn't come back.