Middle names - how to choose one side of the family over the other?

[Hankthehonk]

I personally am of the mindset that the purpose of middle names is to honour someone, and if I wasn't going to have a name with some connection or meaning, I wouldn't bother having one at all. I know others choose them just based on names they like which is totally fine of course, but this isn't for us.

Our daughter's middle name is the name of a very close friend who passed away the same day I found out I was pregnant. Straight after doing the test, we agreed if it was a girl this would be her middle name.

Therefore it didn't feel so much like we were choosing one side of the family over the other. I am pregnant again and this will be our last child. We are thinking of middle names from both sides, but I have a feeling my mum or mil might be upset if we opt for the other person's family. Our surname is double barrelled for both of us and the kids, so this is already balanced. We do not want to use a family name as the first name, we've got a boy and girl name picked out.

How have others dealt with this?

Ours us definitely a mouthful!.

But people rarely use middle names and so not an every day issue. It meant a lot to me and DH (we wanted them rather than family pressure) and so I am happy with our choice.

I would pick whichever is the nicest and goes the best with the other names, and tie it to the babys sex. So if ifs a boy its named after your side, and a girl is your dh side (or whichever way is nicest) and then tell your mothers that. Then its up to luck/fate/the baby whose name it has and you didn't pick favourites.

Thanks everyone, interesting to see the different perspectives!
To clarify, it's not that I feel pressure or manipulation so much as I genuinely don't want to upset anyone.
I like the idea that a couple of people have suggested of picking one side for a boy and one for the girl, making that known before finding out the sex, and leaving it up to fate. Might go with this!

Caroline?

I have relatives & acquaintances who use their middle name as their preferred name. They liked having this choice.
I have colleagues who use their middle initial or whole name to be distinctive (not just any Joan Smith...); this can be important for career purposes.

Middle names can have useful purpose not only for honoring people.

My feeling is to use the middle name that goes best with the 1st name. Do not use a name that doesn't sound good with the 1st name.

I like the suggestion of announcing beforehand one side of the family if girl and other if boy. I think that seems fair if you’re going for one middle name.

I think there is more than one way to honor-name :)

Any chance there is a place that has meaning for you both?

Not only do I like the story but I think there are many that sound really cool!

For example, my friends named their daughter after the first street they lived on together, Asher. And another set of friends who met while they were both studying abroad and her middle name is Italia

I'm glad I'm not named after a street or country.

Imagine being called Amelia Third Avenue Smith or Noah Kyrgyzstan Jones

We bickered endlessly about middle names and both children have two, one connected to each side of the family.

honestly it really doesn’t matter. Only the first name does.

If the baby has your surname use a name from Dads side of the family
. If they have Dads surname choose a name from your side.

I really don't see the point of having a middle name. They are rarely used and often awful! My brother wasn't given a middle name and was always pleased that he didn't have one. I've never used my middle name or initial and hated it. I think there are only a handful of people who know that I've actually got one.

Stick to the maternal line!

We have a double barrelled surname so our kids already have both surnames.
Our daughter's first name is actually a nod to our favourite place but it's quite subtle- she's Rosa after Glen Rosa on the Isle of Arran. I considered other Arran related names for this second child but there are none that aren't too obvious, odd or that we don't just dislike. Arran itself could potentially be a middle name for a boy though, maybe.

I agree middle names should have meaning rather than something you just like the look/sound of (surely that's what the first name choice is for?). But I think if you can't have two middle names from each side of the family due to length, then I'd personally use either of your first or middle names (depending on sex of baby!) -unless you happen to have just the one brother or sister so offense can't be caused if you pick them instead. That's what we tend to do in my family - children usually either have parents name as the middle or two middle names from each side of the family.

It doesn’t matter if they’re upset, it’s your child you can (within reason) call them what you like.