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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Middle names - how to choose one side of the family over the other?

40 replies

Hankthehonk · 05/07/2023 14:37

I personally am of the mindset that the purpose of middle names is to honour someone, and if I wasn't going to have a name with some connection or meaning, I wouldn't bother having one at all. I know others choose them just based on names they like which is totally fine of course, but this isn't for us.

Our daughter's middle name is the name of a very close friend who passed away the same day I found out I was pregnant. Straight after doing the test, we agreed if it was a girl this would be her middle name.

Therefore it didn't feel so much like we were choosing one side of the family over the other. I am pregnant again and this will be our last child. We are thinking of middle names from both sides, but I have a feeling my mum or mil might be upset if we opt for the other person's family. Our surname is double barrelled for both of us and the kids, so this is already balanced. We do not want to use a family name as the first name, we've got a boy and girl name picked out.

How have others dealt with this?

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veryfluffyfluff · 05/07/2023 14:38

Pick the name you like best or have them both

Tinkerbyebye · 05/07/2023 14:39

Pick a name that isn’t on either side of the family. Or give them yours/yours husbands name as a middle name depending on what you have

Sunflowering · 05/07/2023 14:42

Have two middle names.

Original poster

Hankthehonk · 05/07/2023 14:44

Thanks for responses. I think I'd rule out having two middle names, since we've already got two surnames (double-barrelled)

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 05/07/2023 14:45

Just pick a name you like that isn't your DM or MILs name.
Don't have two middle names with a double-barrelled surname.

KirstenBlest · 05/07/2023 14:47

Cross-posted.
You could pick a middle name that is meaningful without it being a family name, maybe a local name (e.g. river name or saint's name)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/07/2023 14:48

The surnames probably are irrelevant to your dm and dmil as I doubt they are their family names - aren’t the names of their husbands?

BabyMomma2021 · 05/07/2023 14:54

We used my mother in laws name as a middle name and she was of course very touched and it was special for my husband but in all honestly, her name just fit nicely with our baby's first name!

We didn't tell anyone until after the baby was born and my mum has never mentioned feeling sad about it. I don't think she took it as a personal slight as it wasn't.

Interestingly, both my mum and MIL have the same middle name so we could have used that but we just preferred my MIL's name with our chosen first name.

Perhaps, if there is a name you like better, use that one or can you combine the names to make up a new name with honours them both?

Original poster

Hankthehonk · 05/07/2023 14:56

@ThroughThickAndThin01 you're right of course, and actually if we have a boy both of our mother's maiden names could work as a middle name (if we take the point further, their maiden names are also their dad's names rather than 'theirs'...)
However, when we were deciding what to do about our surname when we got married, it was our mums more than our dads who cared about our "family names" i.e. their husbands'. We considered both taking my name briefly because we both prefer it, but that really upset my mil. The double barrelling is an imperfect compromise!

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/07/2023 14:59

Fair enough, just wondered if it was something you had thought about and you have!

Jomummy1013 · 05/07/2023 15:01

My ex DH's family have a tradition of father's first name being child's middle name. My son has the middle name Matthew because of it. I like Matthew well enough but I also wanted my grandad's name in there as I adored him and miss him. My husband said no!
My daughters don't have my name or any affiliation to anyone, just picked names we liked x

Bumbers · 05/07/2023 15:03

we did both... despite double barrelled surname. Only way it felt fair.

Buttercup2023 · 05/07/2023 15:07

I completely agree about middle names, and dont really see the point of them unless they have some sort of family/friend meaning.
I am having a girl next month, and we have agreed to use DH's grandmother's name for her middle name. If it were a boy we agreed it would be my DH's dad's name.
We have gone for my DH's grandmother's name because it is prettier to be completely honest. I was very close to my nan and loved her so much but her name is very old fashioned and really not something anyone has been called for the last 60 years 😆 I tried to think of ways I could modernise it to honour her but agreed DH's grandmother's name would be more appreciated by our daughter growing up.
But it has made me wonder if my family will be upset if we have a boy next and use DH's dad's name as planned (which I still would), but have thought it might offend my parents to have used my in-laws family names twice.
I guess you can never please everyone, and nothing will be chosen with anything other than loving intentions.

Original poster

Hankthehonk · 05/07/2023 15:15

@Bumbers Fair enough, maybe I shouldn't 100% rule out doing both but I feel our name is already such a mouthful!

@Buttercup2023 thanks for your reply, it's nice to hear from someone in a similar position.
We're considering our mum's maiden names (for a boy) or our grandmothers' names (for a girl). There's one female name that's common in both families (DH's maternal grandmother and my dad's deceased sister). I don't much like it and I think it sounds bad with our chosen girl name, but maybe that's better than having to choose a side?! My husband's paternal grandmother's name (Elizabeth) is probably my preferred middle name for a girl just based on style.

OP posts:

Confusion101 · 05/07/2023 15:25

Fair enough, maybe I shouldn't 100% rule out doing both but I feel our name is already such a mouthful!

How often will anyone actually be saying their full name, middle names and all. I'd go with the two names

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 15:38

My children have middle names from both sides of the family, so they have 3 first names. And a hyphenated last name. Long, but no problem!

Imogensmumma · 05/07/2023 15:47

Is there anyway of creating a different name using your mum or mils name?

For example if one was Pauline and the other Carol it could be Coraline … or better with time and more thought than I put in 😂😂

Neekoh · 05/07/2023 15:49

I think it'd be just fine to have two middle names even with a mouthful of a surname.

Anothermam · 05/07/2023 18:02

I have two middle names and and the second one is never written out fully on anything, it's just my name, first middle name, then a single initial then surname. I gave my child one middle name for this reason!

If you don't know the gender yet, you could decide on a middle name for a boy from your side and a middle name for a girl from your husband's side (or vice versa) and inform your mum and mil of the planned names. Then it will just depend on if you have a boy or a girl and hopefully no-one can be annoyed.

MDB85 · 05/07/2023 21:10

Can you make a name using their names? For example my mum is Anna and my MiL has a longer name but is generally known as Belle so obviously Annabelle was an easy choice for us. Otherwise a name you know they both love or a name that is related to something that is personal to you and DH.

user1492757084 · 06/07/2023 03:42

Use Elizabeth. It's the best name and I've never heard of any family member being displeased that their beloved grandchild was named after the other Granny etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2023 03:50

We are thinking of middle names from both sides, but I have a feeling my mum or mil might be upset if we opt for the other person's family.

Oh well! You can't please everyone, and you should know this. Your mum or your MIL will get over it. It's so ridiculous to allow your decision to be dictated over something so silly. Use the name you like the best.

Frogpond · 06/07/2023 05:20

I feel the same way you do. First baby was his side second baby my side. None were grand parents, with baby 3 we used my DHs first name as the middle name so no grandparents missed out.

In your case I would pick a friend you are close to. Or look back at great grandparents.

Emanresu9 · 06/07/2023 05:21

We had all family middles names from my side as the surname was husbands side.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 06/07/2023 05:32

Just go with what you like. My DS is named after his paternal GF (I had never met him) and his middle name is one we liked and also after the gyno who delivered him. I don’t let my family dictate how to name my children. My DD is also not named after DM, maybe she was offended maybe not. No idea and it’s none of her business. Chose a family name you like, it’s your child!

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