Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

[H1994]

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

Don't do it. It's very odd. Their daughter's name might be used by someone in their family, that would be more fitting.

It isn't compulsory to have a middle name, you can just do without one.

I think it’s a lovely idea. I also think it’s right to ask them first

@Tidsleytiddy thank you - yeah of course... we wouldn't want to just claim it, I'll definitely say that there is no pressure whatsoever, it's okay and understandable if they're not okay with it.

It’s such a nice way to honour their daughter who sounds lovely

Sorry but as you are not family I find it a bizarre request and one they will feel pressured to say yes to as you are meeting in person. Unless you are SO close they are like family this Is an over step

Why the pressure on the middle name it doesn't need to be linked to anyone just a name You love. Or No need for one at all

@pinkyredrose If it is used within their family and they agree with you and find it 'very odd' of us, then I'm pretty sure they'll say - which is absolutely fine :) we can pick another name.

Personally, I think it's a lovely thing.
It's right that you are asking your friends. Chances are they would like it, but at the same time they may find it upsetting, especially as their loss is quite recent.

@stickygotstuck thank you - and yes, this is what I'm nervous about, I don't want to cause any upset at all, which is why I'll say there is 0 pressure at all... hopefully it goes well

Yes, ask and see what they say. That’s all you can do. You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought which is kind

@Ridingfree we are very close family friends, so I'd like to think if they thought it were 'bizarre' they would definitely say - and if they do, then good job we asked eh - we can pick another name!

@Tidsleytiddy Thank you... exactly!

As long as there is no expectation on them then I think it is a lovely idea. Personally I love mn being after people we cared about makes them really meaningful. I never got the idea of picking a 2nd that will never be used.

Just see how they feel about the tribute x

I think this will be all about the messaging and how you ask so please do spend sometime thinking about that and how to make it clear that if there is any issue whatsoever then it won't be used. I'm not sure how you word that but it needs to be carefully worded and considered. It sounds like you already know that though! I think it's lovely and having lost someone close to me recently I would be touched.

Yes, it’s very touching

This is something that maybe I'd rather ask over text or WhatsApp so they're not put on the spot in person. But maybe not.

@Hoistupthemainsail thank you, and yes - I'll definitely consider wording... will just say something along the lines of 'We wanted to ask you, and there is absolutely no pressure to say yes at all - but we've chosen a first name for our Daughter, and wanted a middle name that was meaningful - and we can't think of anyone more inspiring and meaningful to us than 'NAME'...?

I would do this too. That way they can think about it for as long as they need. I think it's really lovely for what it's worth.

I think it's fine but maybe make sure they are under no obligation to give you an answer straightaway or to give any reason if they don't want you to do it.

Perhaps say something like "dobt feel you need to say anthing now, have a think about it, if you are happy for us to use it send me a message, if we don't hear from you we will pick something else". That way if they are genuinely happy for you to use it they'll probably say straight away "yes of course thank you so much we're honoured" but if not they don't have to worry about upsetting you or how to word their answer.

No don't do it, there's a thread on here where an op's SIL has used her dead sisters name. Different circumstances, but it just goes to show that these things can be very emotive and I think unless you've lost someone like this, you don't know how you'll react to this type of scenario

@latetothefisting this sounds really good actually - yeah, I'll make sure they know they have time and if we don't hear then it's fine :)

It,s your daughter’s name. It always feels strange to me to tie them to something that has nothing to do with them. Especially something so sad. Give them their own name to own for themselves.

@CleaningOutMyCloset thank you for your advice

Awful. You’re using their grief and their daughters name, because you WANT a “meaningful” name for your baby.

Selfish, weird, hurtful. I think that would probably be it for me, friendship wise. I’d be shocked, cry after you left, and distance myself from you.

Yes this is good perhaps followed with the suggestion that they have time to think about it and if you don't hear from them you will absolutely choose something else so they don't feel put on the spot. Good luck!