Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

[H1994]

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

If you were my friend and said this to me, @H1994 , I would be devastated and I don't think the friendship would survive it.

When my SIL had a baby recently, my only thought about names was "please don't use DC1's name". My DC1 died about the same time ago as your friend's DD. It's too soon, too painful.

Every time they see your child, with their daughter's name, it's going to hurt them, probably more than they'll ever be able to let you see. Don't do it.

@Scirocco

I'm so very sorry you're going through the loss of a child, the idea of the pain is unimaginable

Thank you, @monsteramunch. ♥️

As someone who has gone through fertility struggles and lost a child, I don’t think I’d know where to look or what to say if I was to be told about a pregnancy or asked about using my son’s name face to face. I once distanced myself from someone because it was too painful to see their living child with his name. A constant reminder of what I no longer had. Since you’re not going to be swayed (huge risk IMO but I also think it depends on your relationship and the dynamic…too nuanced to say “don’t do it!”) I’d maybe text or write a card. Be interested to know how it goes OP!

You’ve actually reminded me that early on in my current pregnancy (we’re expecting another baby after 7 years of trying) I considered using my son’s first name as a middle name for this baby boy, but later felt I was “attaching” the memory of one son to another. I can’t say exactly why I changed my mind but I wonder if it could’ve been a lot for this little one to carry. So we’re using another family name.

The OP is considering using it as a MIDDLE name, it's hardly ever going to so spoken, or written even. I don't understand the fuss. Obviously as they are close friends they may well be aware, but only if they are told. Asking first would be polite obviously but why they would be traumatized is beyond me

Just so everyone knows, I spoke to OP and her friends were absolutely thrilled that they'd asked to use their daughters name for the middle name! ☺️

@Whatdayisitalexa , I think how the daughter died could be a factor, as could the popularity of the name. A middle name of Emily or Chloe, wouldn't be too strongly associated, but something more unusual would.

I agree about not doing it face to face. It’s not something they’ll expect and so in the moment might say yes but then regret it later. It’s best if they have time to think and make clear they can say no as you wouldn’t want to do it if they didn’t think it was a good idea.