Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

[H1994]

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

Another post here to say please please don't ask them this face to face. It would be so unfair to put them on the spot. A bit like ambushing them, about the most difficult thing one can ever go through.

If you insist on asking (I personally don't think it's appropriate but I can see others disagree) then do it another way so they can digest.

When someone has fertility struggles I always think it far kinder for a loved one to tell them about a pregnancy in a (private) message so they have time for an initial reaction they might not feel able to share face to face, so there's no pressure on them to have to pretend to be ok when while they're happy for you, they're sad for them. They can digest it and then gather themselves if they need a little time before replying. I've been on both sides of that situation and think it's far kinder.

I would treat similarly carefully in this situation if you're convinced you want to ask them this.

@PacificallyRequested I wasn't really asking tbh but people have obviously read it as though I am 😂...

We will consider not doing it face to face perhaps...

I was very close with the daughter, she was a really close friend of mine... I admired her dearly, so there is definitely 'no connection'

@monsteramunch I agree - when I fell pregnant, I wanted to tell my best friend (who has fertility issues) privately so she had space and time to feel however she felt, I did this in person too - and told her that I was happy not to discuss my pregnancy, that she could cry and be angry and that I would 100% understand and support her through it IF she needed - so I'll take the same care with this conversation and hopefully it'll go just as well

I think that the way in which you've expressed your reasons for using the sam is genuinely lovely.

However, in my experience it's a really emotive topic. It seems to range from people being absolutely delighted or every angry/upset rather than anything in between.

I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't want to risk upsetting anyone even if my intentions were the best.

Well your OP says

but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

As you’ve posted asking, it’s a reasonable response from people to say “my thoughts/advice is not to do it”.

You don’t want to hear that though, so I hope you don’t upset your friends and damage your friendship. IF you were so confident that it wouldn’t upset/offend them, and they’d be thrilled etc, you wouldn’t have posted here.

The problem is all of your “it’s no problem” and “then that’s fine” etc etc is that its NOT “no problem, that’s fine, forget it” etc for them - it’s dredging up hurt and grief that isn’t instantly forgotten, like your not using a name is easy to move on from.

It’s potentially lovely, but potentially horrific. You have to know how the person would feel about it, so asking people on mumsnet makes no sense

I also wouldn’t do it. There are other ways to honour your friend.
i was considering a name for my son which was the shortened version of a relative who had died a few years earlier (think Charlie / Charles). I gently asked a few relatives and most felt uneasy about it and said it would make them feel sad when they saw my child and remind them of the loss.

You did that in person too though and I know that many, many people would have preferred to have been able to process the news without doing so in front of you.

I think it's worth considering that, especially about the most emotive topic there is - the loss of a child.

No matter how kindly you say something in person, it doesn't allow the person to have a private reaction they might not be able to have in front of you.

Exactly! as someone who is experiencing fertility issues and my friends are very aware, I’d much much rather be told via message than face to face even if that person told me it was ok to “cry and be angry”.

Everything you’ve said is from your perspective (I was close friends with her etc etc) rather than the bereaved family’s one.

I don't know why posters are being so rude

Yes it's worth flagging up that it could potentially not be welcomed by the friends (but OP is clearly already aware of that so no need to make the point so aggressively) but it could also be hugely appreciated as a lovely gesture. I don't know why people are acting like it's some bizarre suggestion, honouring loved ones by using their names for a new generation has been a "thing" for centuries!

Particularly weird are the posters saying it's fine to have a deceased family members name but this isn't OK because they are "just" friends?
Lots of people are much closer to friends than to their family, you can't be prescriptive about when things are OK and when they aren't- there's no one size fits all in human relationships.

I think you have decided to do this anyway and just want validation.

It's not rude to disagree now is it?

I really wouldn't. Far too soon, and impossible for them to say no.

I think it depends a lot on each person. If it was my daughter who'd passed and someone wanted to give her name as middle to their child, I would find this comforting. To me it'd mean that despite dying so young, she impacted people so powerfully that she still has an effect years later. I'd feel like part of her remained in the influence she had over family and friends.

But other people might find it a painful reminder of their loss, which is why you should ask and respect their wishes.

I don't think it's weird at all.

Some people can start an argument in an empty room.

@mewkins so true and 80% of those people are on Mumsnet 😂

Yep!

I don't see any arguments or nasty comments all I see is honest feedback.

It's not a 'do you like this dress!' Topic is it??

It's a very serious potentially devastating one. The death of a child is the ultimate pain.

It's perfectly fine for posters (some of who have experience of this to say tred carefully or just don't go there to the op.

@H1994

I think this is a beautiful idea, I disagree with people saying it should be family only, I'm closer to some of my friends than some of my family. It's a wonderful tribute and your being very respectful to ask. Please let us know the outcome.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with the conversation tonight

@thebaneofmylifeisacat

You clearly haven't read the thread

"Awful. You’re using their grief and their daughters name, because you WANT a “meaningful” name for your baby.

Selfish, weird, hurtful. I think that would probably be it for me, friendship wise. I’d be shocked, cry after you left, and distance myself from you."

Calling someone selfish and weird isn't classed as nasty, no? That comment was totally uncalled for 😅

I think it's all dependent on your relationship and their personalities, some people would love the idea and some would hate it. You know them better than anyone on this site. Personally I think it's a lovely idea and you're coming from a kind place however they may not feel that way. Definitely let them think about it and have a few back up middle names to share with them so they don't feel under pressure to agree. Please let us know how it goes 😊

I may have missed nasty comments? I don't think the op is being nasty but I do think potentially this could very much hurt her friend and I think from her comments the op has made up her mind to do this snd isn't asking for opinions just validation for her decision.

I hope she makes the choice that she deep down thinks her friend will be ok with and not persuade herself that it will be so.

Usually you use family/friend names of older people who are dying in the 'proper' course of time. Not a young girl who had her life cut short snd whose name should be still hers to live.

But that's only my opinion snd the op asked for opinions.

@thebaneofmylifeisacat no, the OP isn't being nasty. Other posters are 🤣

"Usually you use family/friend names of older people who are dying in the 'proper' course of time. Not a young girl who had her life cut short and whose name should be still hers to live."

I agree with this. Her name belongs to her. Don't take it from her parents.

As I said the op isn't being nasty!!

I had a very close friend who died aged 21. My daughter has my friend's name as her middle name. I really don't understand some of the reactions on here. A bit bizarre to be honest!