Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

[H1994]

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

@TwoCoffeesandAMilkshake fair enough, thanks for your thoughts

Please go very carefully with this.
2 years down the line this is probably very very raw still for your friends.
10 years after my brother died, the only input my mother had into baby names was a plea not to put my brothers name into our sons name.

@Hoistupthemainsail definitely adding that too... thank you

@mewkins thank you... we will consider doing it not face to face perhaps

There is a thread in AIBU To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?. It might help you to understand different views about using someone’s name.
I agree that it’s better to ask them by txt and not before but after your meet up. I also wonder if you are putting any sort of expectations on them and on your unborn baby unconsciously. She might be absolute opposite to your friends’s daughter. Do you expect them to feel that connection/ tribute ? Are you going to use that middle name often? They might think you would and then they would be disappointed that not. Or they might be upset every time it’s used because of memories or because your child would be so different to their memories.
I wouldn’t use a name of a close recently deceased person to my child because it might be too emotional yet. Also feelings are very unpredictable territory. They might say yes and regret later very much.
In my view it better to choose it as a name you always liked and ask them if it’s ok without the pressure of emotional tribute.

@Derbee Having knowing me for maybe 22 years of my life, I'd like to think they'd not see us asking as 'selfish', 'hurtful' or just because I want something for my own child - but thank you for your input

I too think it reads as though you were searching for something meaningful and came up with that. Which is different from wanting to honour their child.

Either way, I wouldn’t ask or do it as I don’t think children should be used to honour others.

@pizzaHeart definitely no expectations on anyone involved here, including my unborn child. As a middle name, it will probably not be used often, only on paperwork for things and wonderful, loving stories to tell if my daughter asks. I will read the thread though, thank you for linking that

@OliviaFlaversham I think if we were that flippant about it we probably wouldn't even be asking, we'd just use it but thanks for your thoughts

Oh gosh, please don't ask them. This doesn't honour their daughter in any way and actually, I find it quite insulting. Don't rub their grief in their faces.

I don’t like it. You’re not family and it feels intrusive. Even being the closest of friends for many years.

Friends asked very best close friends to be named guardians on a will. The askers thought it was a honour they bestowed on them. The askees were very uncomfortable and felt out in a terrible position, if they said no they rejected their children but they really didn’t want to say yes.

I think such big asks are only for family personally. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

you can ask and it sounds like you’ll be as sensitive as you can about it. But I think it will offend them.

@UpTheAnte apologies that you find it insulting, I'm hoping they don't perceive it the same way.

@Bunce1 thanks for your thoughts, I'll definitely be as sensitive as I can, and if they say no, then it really is absolutely okay - I would completely understand

One of my children has a middle name to honour a family friend who died in their 20s. Their mother thought it was lovely.

In my opinion middle names are not really a big deal either way, as they are hardly ever used and normally only close family know or care what people’s middle names are. In the circumstances you describe I would think a first name might be triggering in that you’d hear the name all the time and it would remind you of the dead person. But with a middle name it’s unlikely to be a major issue either way as they will rarely hear the child called that or the name mentioned.

My initial thought with this is absolutely no, please don't do that!

If they want you to, great. But if they feel like they should say yes, but really don't want you to = super awkward. If they say no = super awkward.

Don't create this situation!

Yes I’ve been reading that thread but it sounds like there is some unpleasant history between OP and the SIL who actually sounds a manipulative, selfish nasty piece of work whose intention was to hurt OP. The name wasn’t used as a nice tribute. It was used to stick the knife in

@Sunset6 this is my thinking too... A first name I wouldn't and couldn't ever dream of using, that wouldn't be appropriate in my eyes.

I agree, the other thread they were using it as first name and it was family.. completely different situation

@TokyoSushi thank you for your thoughts, I honestly don't think it would be awkward if they said no - it's absolutely fine, we would completely understand and we are all adults, they say no? we say absolutely no worries, we entirely understand, and we're sorry if this has offended you in any way and that's that unless they need to discuss further.

I think it hugely depends on the relationship, if you’re more like family then I’d say they’ll be happy with it. The awkward thing for me if I was in their shoes would be that I’d say yes even if I wasn’t that comfortable with it 🙈 but if they’re people who will tell you if they don’t want you to then I’m sure itl be fine

OP you know these people well and are obviously very close to them so probably have a vague idea of how they will react. I think it's a lovely thing to do but I certainly wouldn't drop them a text or WhatsApp to ask.
If you decide not to ask them face to face (might put them on the spot a bit ) I would hand write a note/card saying what you have said about their daughter above. Far more personal.

I think it's a lovely idea, you know your friends and I'm sure that it wouldn't have even crossed your mind to use the name if you'd thought that it would upset them. Hope it goes well OP.

I wouldn’t even ask that question. Naming your daughter, even just a middle name, after someone else’s dead child is weird and smacks of ‘borrow a tragedy’. Simply by asking the question you’ll be reminding them of their loss and putting them in an awkward position. That seems very selfish. Probably they would say yes then regret it and become awkward around you and avoid you.

If you want a meaningful middle name, choose one from your family tree - you both have plenty of ancestors of your own! If you don’t know much about them maybe take this opportunity to do some family history research?

Or, even better, pick an admirable woman from history (or current affairs) and name your child after her. Someone like Nadia Nadim, or Ada Lovelace, Empress Matilda, Barbara Bodichon, Violette Szabo, Irena Sendler…

God there's some judgemental people on here😅

The only person who knows these people are the OP and her family. I don't think there's any need for comments like "very selfish, dreadful thing to do."

OP, you know these people and you and your family know how they will react, like you've said you will make it clear to them they can of course say no and if they do, no big deal! I think you're being very respectful x