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Original poster

Sentimental Middle Name - Nervous to ask family friends!

109 replies

H1994 · 06/04/2023 10:30

Hi!

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and my OH and I have chosen a first name for our daughter - neither of us have a meaningful middle name, but wanted her to have one.

Family friends of ours lost their daughter in 2021 at aged 23 - she was an absolute angel, the most beautiful, kind and strong young woman you'd ever meet and we thought who else more inspirational to name her after.

We're heading to family friends house this evening to ask if I'd be okay for their daughters name, to be our daughters middle name - but I'm nervous... I don't want to upset them or make them feel pressured - as it's absolutely fine if they're not comfortable to let us use it!

Any advice or thoughts?

Thank you!

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:50

@DarlingG I'd really like to think they'd say no if they didn't want us to, I'll make it super clear and gentle so they know it's okay if it's not okay with them

@Lakeyloo Thank you... I did think a whatsapp was too distant to be honest, just felt a bit too administrative for me?

@matthancockscareer thank you.

OP posts:
Baileybobz · 06/04/2023 11:51

OP, please don’t take some of the rather mean and rude responses here to heart. You are not selfish or insulting in the slightest. Yes, they could react in a number of ways but at the heart of this is you wanting to honour a beautiful person in your life, who I’m sure you miss very much. Some people need to work on the way they come across over the internet!

Reugny · 06/04/2023 11:52

I see no problem with it.

However I'm a person who chose to name her DD after no-one in either family dead or alive who accidentally ending up calling her the same as a deceased neighbour. (The neighbour was lovely.)

DarlingG · 06/04/2023 11:53

@Baileybobz 100% agree, particularly the name threads on here are just plagued with so much unnecessary nastiness. I swear it must be an outlet for these people in real life. I just read them and think.. happy people aren’t nasty on the internet ☺️

Reugny · 06/04/2023 11:55

@Bunce1 I know plenty of cases like that. People forget that unless there are very good reasons family members on both sides will be looked at first. One friend politely told another friend this so it was pointless naming her.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:55

@Baileybobz thank you so much... I do miss her, incredibly - wouldn't ever want to 'borrow her tragedy' or 'rub grief in their faces' as some have put... @DarlingG It does seem a bit aggressive sometimes doesn't it!

Thank you to all those who've commented and given constructive advice though x

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thebaneofmylifeisacat · 06/04/2023 11:56

Personally I wouldn't do this as we thought we had lost one of our dds for a while (accident abroad) snd if god forbid we had snd later one of my friends smilingly pregnant told me they wanted to honour her by using her name I think I would loose it sorry.

Really think this through op. All this 'she's an Angel in heaven!' Is cobblers to her parents they want her as a little devil here on Earth

ApolloandDaphne · 06/04/2023 11:57

My DD died when she was 5. A friend of mine wanted to use the same name for her DD and was a bit anxious about using it. When she spoke to me about it I was thrilled. Obviously it is a name DH and I loved and we were glad to know another child with the name. She has turned into an amazing young woman. Ask your friends. You may be surprised by how much they love the idea.

Lakeyloo · 06/04/2023 11:57

H1994 · 06/04/2023 11:50

@DarlingG I'd really like to think they'd say no if they didn't want us to, I'll make it super clear and gentle so they know it's okay if it's not okay with them

@Lakeyloo Thank you... I did think a whatsapp was too distant to be honest, just felt a bit too administrative for me?

@matthancockscareer thank you.

Just to add, I lost my Dsis unexpectedly and under pretty horrible circumstances, and I know that my Mums biggest sadness (apart from losing her, obviously) is that she feels people don't want to talk about her and will forget about her 😞

BeaLola · 06/04/2023 11:58

I think it's a lovely idea to honour her in this way as a close family friend - I wouldn't ask in person - I think I would write down mine and my DH thoughts/request with the bits on here that if they don't like this idea/would be too painful then you absolutely would not use it (better wording require than j have used) and I would perhaps hand them the letter as you leave with something for them to read when you are not there - that way they can truly decide how they feel without you being in front of them

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:01

@Lakeyloo I'm so sorry for your loss. That is horrible to think about your Mum's sadness - I'm sure if people aren't mentioning them, it's because they don't want to cause any pain, I know it shouldn't be your Mum's responsibility, but I think if she sparked conversation about them then people would have a million wonderful stories and memories to share x

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:02

@BeaLola thank you - this is a good idea, I prefer the idea of writing it in a card to a text I think. I'll have a chat with OH and see what we think x

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 12:05

Just don't. I think it would be a big mistake. It could cause a great deal of upset. It isn't worth the risk.

rubygiz · 06/04/2023 12:07

@H1994 I think this is a beautiful way to honour your friends daughter and if it was me I would be honoured x ignore the haters

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/04/2023 12:08

I would not do it and I feel the connection is a bit tenuous for it to be comfortable.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:09

@Viviennemary I'm aware of the risk, thank you - hoping I know them well enough that they wouldn't perceive it as an insult in anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:09

@rubygiz thank you - hopefully they feel the same :) xx

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Crumbcatcher · 06/04/2023 12:10

Why are you asking if you only want people to agree and you're dismissive of people who think it's a bad idea?

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 12:13

You seem determined to go ahead despite the risk they Could be very upset indeed. Very wrong IMHO. I don't know why you have even bothered asking. You have brushed aside anyone saying its a bad idea.,

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/04/2023 12:14

Thinking about why it makes me uncomfortable, I think it is because if the deceased were still alive, you would not be calling your daughter after her. You have literally gone in search if a "meaningful" name and, having been unable to find anything suitable in your own families, this recent tragic (and therefore meaningful) death seems suitable.

If you genuinely would have named your daughter after the same girl if she were still alive obviously ignore this and use the name! But if it is basically because she is dead, then I wouldn't do it.

Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:17

@Crumbcatcher @Viviennemary I have asked for thoughts from everyone, and thanked all - I'm taking it all on board, my question was not 'Do I do this?', my 'question' was I'm nervous and just need some advice - I've not been dismissive in any way whatsoever.

If I thought it would be a terrible, hurtful, insulting and disgraceful idea - I wouldn't even be considering it - but again, thank you for your thinking towards this

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Original poster
H1994 · 06/04/2023 12:18

@TheYearOfSmallThings it would be the same if she were alive... she was honestly a warrior, the 'death' really has nothing to do with it at all.

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/04/2023 12:20

it would be the same if she were alive

I think if her parents know that (and your DD herself knows it in due course) then probably everyone will be ok with it.

PacificallyRequested · 06/04/2023 12:22

If you must ask this (and I agree with others that it's a bad idea) please don't put them on the spot by asking face to face. You could really upset them.

Have you not got a beloved granny whose name you could use as a middle name instead? Rather than someone who has no connection to your daughter at all.

KirstenBlest · 06/04/2023 12:25

I think it is fine. I wouldn't over-explain the middle name.
I'd wait until asked and say, we're calling her Isla, and we'd like to use Diana [substitute with the actual name] as a middle name.

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