What surname for the baby?

[JamesJames]

Most of the discussion on here seems to be about first names / middle names, but my real question is around surnames.

When my wife and I married, we each kept our own surnames. This was exactly as we wanted and expected -- we both find the long survival of the custom of a wife taking her husband's surname rather odd.

However, now that we're expecting a baby we face a problem of what surname to give him. We don't like newly-minted double-barrelled surnames (and our surnames would be very clunky if put together anyway), so what to do?

In terms of our own parents' views, my father has a strong expectation that the baby will have my/his surname (he is always wittering on about "continuing the line" as if we were aristocracy or something), and I think he'd be very upset if it didn't. I don't think my wife's family have any particular expectations, however.

In terms of my wife and me, we both want the baby to have our own respective surnames, but I think it is more out of a general desire to stake our claims rather than trenchantly-held views for either of us!

How do we solve this?

The PPs saying “you grew that beb in your tum, it gets your name, hun, simple as” (I paraphrase), can I ask them where they got their name? Yeeees! That’s right! FROM YOUR FATHER!
In English, at least, I am not aware of any surname that is not originally patronymic in essence.
And for those thinking of giving their children both names, in Britain, traditionally the father’s name comes second.
And, again, hyphenated names were formed when a man basically married into money an inheritance. He wasn’t combining with his wife’s surname, but rather her father’s, as it was done when the father of the wife had no male heirs.

Might as well give up feminism then if there is still this determination that my name isn’t my name.

be quiet, little woman. Follow the men. Don’t question. Don’t change anything.

(Fuck. That.)

DD was given my surname in hospital, as that was the name on my file. I wasn’t unmarried. DH was there. At no point were we asked what name should go on there.

My baby got my surname. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MumKnowsBetterThanYou

The reality is the vast majority of most boys still have their fathers names and it would be considered weird and feminine to be named after your mother. You might not like it, but it’s the truth. Mumsnetters might not want it to be, but it’s the truth

I think you're projecting what you think onto the current generation.

I'm assuming from what you think is normal in your posts that you haven't had kids in school for quite a while as it's so far from reality it sounds like a wind up.

Or you just know kids who go to ultra conservative schools and / or are raised to think women are weak and men are aspirational.

Yes, more people have their father's last name than their mother's.

No, that doesn't mean that children who have their mother's names will 'definitely' be mocked by their peers and / or feel emasculated.

Absolutely bizarre and hopefully based on generational difference because the alternative explanation is either sexism or a good old fashioned wind up.

All babies I know in the last 10 years born in different hospitals around the UK are automatically given the mother's last name. (I actually asked two SILs and two doctors who work/worked in different hospitals about this, and they say it's automatically done.)

I know married women who haven't changed their last names and so their baby is called that in hospital.

Only once the baby is registered is everything e.g. name at GP corrected to the baby's actual name.

I actually know children of married parent's who have the maternal last name rather than the fathers to prevent that name dying out. I also know children of unmarried couples were the children are given the father's last name.

Most parents who get on try to give their children a distinct last name if possible, and one that the child won't have the piss taken out off at school for that name.

I was explaining how it is, as some people seem to having trouble grasping that, not how it should be.
If you want to divorce naming tradition from patriarchy you are going to have to try a bit harder than simply using your own surname.

We gave both lines. DD wants to add her great gran’s surname in as well but that would be taking it a bit far. She loves having a clear link to both sides of her family.

You should have allowed it.

Triple last names are rare. It would have confused people over her origins if the name wasn't clearly British and/or social class. 😂

I was explaining how it is, as some people seem to having trouble grasping that, not how it should be.
If you want to divorce naming tradition from patriarchy you are going to have to try a bit harder than simply using your own surname

oh we get it.

we have to start somewhere though, and keeping our own names seems reasonable.

better that than continue with this perceived prestige of subsuming our identity into “Mrs Dh”. So many women still changing their names- and often because society still views married women as somehow more respectable, or unmarried women as unmarried because they “can’t get a man”

I actually had friends who went into bad marriages as being married and someone’s “Mrs dh” was better than being 30 and unmarried, because naturally the assumption was they were unmarried because no one wanted to marry them.

Do you not think that's just confirming social conditioning?

Cool story, but what happened when you registered the birth?

So my children have no link to my family because they have their dads surname?

As I said elsewhere, she got my surname and DH’s as a second middle name.

Ask someone who researches family trees how much easier it makes it.

@Reallyreallyborednow
“oh we get it.

we have to start somewhere though, and keeping our own names seems reasonable”

Keeping your own name which was your father’s name? Or your mother’s name which was her father’s name? Doesn’t seem that reasonable to me. And let’s not forget that we are imposing these choices onto children who have none. It reminds me of those millions of mn threads about made up first names. Let your kids be nonconformist if and when they’re ready and on their own terms.

And lastly, who is “we”??

She only has 1 surname. DH’s surname is her second middle name. The whole name is already
13 syllables so adding another 3 is a bit overkill.

So you just went with what the midwife wrote down?
I can’t remember your earlier post but the story as I quoted it sounds like you and your DH couldn’t figure out what to do because the midwife wrote your name on the bracelet/file. 😅

No. The story is that I took the risks and physical impact of growing and birthing her, so she got my name.

DH as a middle name to recognise his input. ;)

We went with clunky double-barrelled. If she wants to drop part later she can. I've noticed on the sports field at school the teacher only tends to use the first half when yelling instructions at her, which is fine.

I don't understand why a woman taking her husband's father's name is preferable in your eyes to her keeping her own father's or grandfather's name, which has been her name from birth. It's almost like it offends you.

THIS!!!

also everything in this thread is making my brain melt
my kids have my name. Their dad kept their own surname. We are absolutely the only people in my friendship group who have done this. But I don’t know why.

Keeping your own name which was your father’s name? Or your mother’s name which was her father’s name? Doesn’t seem that reasonable to me.

I never understand this argument. How come my husband’s name was (and remains) “his” name, but I only ever apparently borrowed mine from my Dad? I’ve been married five years and still forgotten to give it back, god only knows why he hasn’t chased me for it.

It’s the vagina. Having one means you can only ever borrow a name, not truly own one. It’s bestowed permanently only on the penis.

🙄

Toss a coin.

can I ask them where they got their name? Yeeees! That’s right! FROM YOUR FATHER!

And?