What surname for the baby?

[JamesJames]

Most of the discussion on here seems to be about first names / middle names, but my real question is around surnames.

When my wife and I married, we each kept our own surnames. This was exactly as we wanted and expected -- we both find the long survival of the custom of a wife taking her husband's surname rather odd.

However, now that we're expecting a baby we face a problem of what surname to give him. We don't like newly-minted double-barrelled surnames (and our surnames would be very clunky if put together anyway), so what to do?

In terms of our own parents' views, my father has a strong expectation that the baby will have my/his surname (he is always wittering on about "continuing the line" as if we were aristocracy or something), and I think he'd be very upset if it didn't. I don't think my wife's family have any particular expectations, however.

In terms of my wife and me, we both want the baby to have our own respective surnames, but I think it is more out of a general desire to stake our claims rather than trenchantly-held views for either of us!

How do we solve this?

Same situation here.

DD has my surname and DH’s as her second middle name. She loves having a clear link to both sides of her family. She sometimes uses both names.

If you've kept your own surnames then the baby should have the mother's name.

I agree with a previous poster - men are more likely to walk away from a family.

Your dad will get over it. Or, he won't. But it doesn't matter.

They are his children and its a nice way to acknowledge that.

Just double barrel the surname and save yourself the stress

Maybe pick the nicer surname?

I didn't change my name on marriage but I did automatically give my children their father's surname. 25 years on, both DH and I wonder why we did that and probably wouldn't today. I do have a great surname though. If we had used it at the time I suspect both my in laws and my own parents would have been shocked. But they'd have gotten over it.

The only thing I do think is that my son probably likes having the same name as his dad. But he is a great dad and close to all of them.

I do think that whatever surname is used, then that is an acknowledgement of that side of the family and it gives the other person a bit more weight for chosing family middle names etc.

Rather than the mother who grew and birthed them?!

Yes, I already have an unbreakable bond with them, a name doesn't add anything for me.

You could just pick a new surname for you all completely!

Do what the Spanish do ....

Spaniards have a personal name(s) followed by two surnames – the father's paternal family name and then the mother's paternal family name. For example: Hector Marίa GONZALEZ LÓPEZ.

Hi @JamesJames my husband and I also have our own surnames. I had no desire to change mine.

Our son has my husbands surname. no mention of mine. My logic (I say mine, because my husband wasn’t bothered which name he had at all) is that whilst i think the world is ready for women not to take men’s names, I don’t think the world is ready for children to take mum’s. If I am Smith, husband is jones, I didn’t want our son to be Baby Smith, because there would be a danger that people might not realise my husband is the father (they might think he’s just my partner, unrelated to the child. This is simply because it hasn’t happened yet, or rather hasn’t boomed yet. Double barrel names are messy.

could you honour your side by ensuring the middle name (or even first name) is from your side only
?

The tradition is that babies are given mum’s name. It’s only that women changed their names that babies ended up with dad’s name.

As for the world, lots of countries name their children very differently indeed.

How is it better for people to think you might not be your son’s mother? 🤷🏻‍♀️

you don’t have to double barrel, just give both your surnames. They’ll probably go by one in day to day use. That’s what the Spanish do and what I will be doing.

That’s because women tended to be married before children and would change their name upon marriage, hence their names were also their husband’s names.

unfortunately that has been taken to mean ‘it’s tradition for them to have the man’s name’ so women are gestating and having babies for men who won’t marry them AND giving them the man’s name. 🤡

I'd go with the 'better' surname, more unusual or more musical sounding. You can ask us which one is 'better'. There's bound to be one! I don't think you're Dad's opinion should be considered. He sounds pompous.

I was happy to dump my surname when I got married as H's surname sounds so great with my name. Trips off the tongue. If his name had been Rambsbottom I may have kept my own!

What I wouldn't do is create a new surname! Travel nightmares or siblings with different surnames (weird).

I gave both DDS their dads surname. Didn't occur to me to do otherwise.

Allegedly a mother with a different surname is going to have issues anyway.

I think that’s the saddest thing. Women dropping their own names and giving the babies they put themselves at risk to have men’s names without thinking for even a second that maybe there are other options. :(

My passport is different to my child's name.

Whoever carries the baby in their body, produces every drop of blood in the baby, and risks their life brining it into the world, their name is the one given to the baby.

The baby will have the mum's name in the hospital.

Mine have their dad’s name.

we did consider both, but dh is divorced and had a shit time whenever he spoke to schools, gp’s, travelled with them as a lone man with kids.

if he had a different surname we imagined that would make things far far worse- can just imagine a James smith phoning up a GP asking about little suzie and Freddie jones’ medical records, or trying to explain why he was taking two kids with different names through an airport.

we felt is is easier for a mum to have a different name, and there’d be fewer questions asked of a lone female travelling with young kids. In fact when I took stepdc to a&e once no one asked who I was- I had to point out I wasn’t a parent and didn’t have parental responsibility. Dh gets asked if he’s dad every time.

so those were our reasons. It’s worked for us. Added benefit is I never get added to social media groups for schools and clubs, dh gets to deal with all that 😂.

Yes, should have the mother’s name traditionally. We double barrelled though.

Allegedly a mother with a different surname is going to have issues anyway

I have never had an issue. I would think it far more likely a man with a different surname will have issues compared to a woman….

i gave dds both our names (no hyphen) so that they’re both on passports etc but they can use either or both informally