What surname for the baby?

[JamesJames]

Most of the discussion on here seems to be about first names / middle names, but my real question is around surnames.

When my wife and I married, we each kept our own surnames. This was exactly as we wanted and expected -- we both find the long survival of the custom of a wife taking her husband's surname rather odd.

However, now that we're expecting a baby we face a problem of what surname to give him. We don't like newly-minted double-barrelled surnames (and our surnames would be very clunky if put together anyway), so what to do?

In terms of our own parents' views, my father has a strong expectation that the baby will have my/his surname (he is always wittering on about "continuing the line" as if we were aristocracy or something), and I think he'd be very upset if it didn't. I don't think my wife's family have any particular expectations, however.

In terms of my wife and me, we both want the baby to have our own respective surnames, but I think it is more out of a general desire to stake our claims rather than trenchantly-held views for either of us!

How do we solve this?

Then the kids won't be the same as either parent that's the most stupid suggestion ever as it'll have no meaning

It should be whoever is more likely to be the resident parent if you were to split up (so usually the mother).

I didn't know any of this.

What evidence do you have that there is a tradition that a baby has its mother’s surname if the parents are unmarried? Generally in the uK in the past few hundred years babies have taken their fathers surname even if parents are unmarried. Not that I think that’s right (I don’t) but it’s the tradition and I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise.

It should be whoever is more likely to be the resident parent if you were to split up (so usually the mother)

why?

we did the opposite- if I were resident parent it would be much harder for DH to be accepted by schools/gp’s/border control with a different name. The assumption would be stepdad and he’d be constantly having to prove PR. Women are more readily accepted as mum with a different name.

@BoredOfGrey22

Theres just as much reason to take the fathers as the mothers unless you think he is the lesser parent and the children are the mothers alone

It should be the fathers. Honestly thisnis why people change their names on marriage. Double barreled sounds so pretentious and it’s also short sighted for the next generation (so not really a viable solution to “sexist” single last names) as they can just go on adding more names.

If you have boys and they have their mothers name and not yours I garuntee they will get teased about it and feel emasculated. It’s the way it is.

Of myself and every other woman I know literally all of them have the same name as their kids which is their husbands surname (even the divorced few).

Use both names (rather than double barrel) officially and have them use one of the names day to day?

Not originally from the UK and this is what my children have/do.

For instance Alice Smith Bailey (rather than Alice Smith-Bailey) but goes by Alice Bailey at school for convenience.

@Pallisers

I think it would be quite hard for a boy not to have his fathers surname like that.

We have given DS both our surnames unhyphenated. For practical purposes he'll probably just go by DH's most of the time (I got the deciding vote over his first name for that reason), but I wanted him to have my surname on his passport and birth certificate, not just as a middle name.

@Palmfrond

They’re making it up because the truth of it bothers them.

If I didn't take my husbands name on marriage, it would be my surname. I wouldn't even consider anything else!

@dmask

This isn’t true at all. Unless the the baby was acknowledged by the father and born out of wedlock the baby would have the fathers name if the father was known, even if the couple was unmarried.

People are just making this “tradition” of babies getting the mothers surname if unmarried up completely

Forget what your dad thinks.
You can either double-barrel, pick one, or combine them (for instance you have Johnson and Gordan, make it Gordson). Or give both not double barrelled but you don't have to use them both- eg FirstName MiddleName Johnson Gordan- going by last name Gordan for simplicity.

Wow.

Women change their names on marriage (usually though some notion of romance) because they were literally owned by men and not legally people in their own right. If that doesn’t sicken you then I worry for your children.

It’s like the 1950s on here sometimes.

(Of my close circle more women have kept their names than changed them on marriage. Children have a mixture of his, hers or double barrelled. Sky still seems to be where it should be.)

Double barreled sounds so pretentious and it’s also short sighted for the next generation (so not really a viable solution to “sexist” single last names) as they can just go on adding more names

as someone has already said, double barrelling is the Spanish naming convention. They seem to manage ok and it’s perfectly viable for them.

do you find all Spaniards “pretentious” then?

If you have boys and they have their mothers name and not yours I garuntee they will get teased about it and feel emasculated. It’s the way it is

no it isn’t. And if you are seeing boys being bullied in this way and accept it as “how it is”, you’re just as bad.

Of myself and every other woman I know literally all of them have the same name as their kids which is their husbands surname (even the divorced few)

that shows your lack of a diverse friendship group, which is not the good thing you think it is.

you come across as a xenophobic narrow minded bully.

I don't think it's fair to consider your fathers feelings in this debate - you and your wife are the parents and have a difference of opinion, no one else's feelings should weigh in.

On that basis, the only fair thing is to double barrel even though it will sound clunky.

@OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide

Well clearly your circle is the anomaly as over 90% of women still take their husbands surname (2020 study)

Guess most people must sicken you

@MumKnowsBetterThanYou

If you have boys and they have their mothers name and not yours I garuntee they will get teased about it and feel emasculated. It’s the way it is

This simply isn't true. What a bizarre thing to think! I can only think it's down to not actually knowing any boys who have their mums names, as you've said 'literally every woman you know' gave their children their partners names... so I'm not sure why you're so confident about 'guaranteeing' what will happen to children for whom that doesn't happen.

Your views are really out of touch with the reality of modern life for the vast, vast majority of people.

It isn't 'the way it is'. What a strange thing to think.

Is OP male? I assumed this was a same sex marriage so the "father" situation was not the issue, rather that the baby will have 2 mums?? And which of the mothers surnames should the baby have??

Have I totally misread the relationship?

We double barrelled but only one is used. We picked which one but DC are free to pick if they want. I don't know if that helps the situation at all as I'm guessing you both want each to be used?

We double barrelled as I have a name that fits into the European tradition of having multiple last names, while my DP's is as common as mud.

We put a hyphen in because DP wanted to ensure both names are used. I didn't care.

She can choose to drop one or both when she is older.

Surely this was discussed at the same time you discussed her name on marriage?

When you give birth, in the hospital, all the babies name bracelets will say "baby mums-surname". Weird to change.

Babies get mums surname.

Fascinate, is a better description. I genuinely cannot understand anyone doing it. Vast majority on here who have admit they didn’t think about it before doing it. Several say they wish they haven’t.

Nothing about not emasculating any sons though. 🙄