What surname for the baby?

[JamesJames]

Most of the discussion on here seems to be about first names / middle names, but my real question is around surnames.

When my wife and I married, we each kept our own surnames. This was exactly as we wanted and expected -- we both find the long survival of the custom of a wife taking her husband's surname rather odd.

However, now that we're expecting a baby we face a problem of what surname to give him. We don't like newly-minted double-barrelled surnames (and our surnames would be very clunky if put together anyway), so what to do?

In terms of our own parents' views, my father has a strong expectation that the baby will have my/his surname (he is always wittering on about "continuing the line" as if we were aristocracy or something), and I think he'd be very upset if it didn't. I don't think my wife's family have any particular expectations, however.

In terms of my wife and me, we both want the baby to have our own respective surnames, but I think it is more out of a general desire to stake our claims rather than trenchantly-held views for either of us!

How do we solve this?

@wellhelloitsme

Actually it is true. Surprising though it may be the majority of boys in school don’t share the same opinions and feelings as progressive women on Mumsnet who are all for giving their sons their own surnames. The reality is the vast majority of most boys still have their fathers names and it would be considered weird and feminine to be named after your mother. You might not like it, but it’s the truth. Mumsnetters might not want it to be, but it’s the truth.

You're not changing anything. That's just to link the mum with the baby while in hospital.

*Is OP male? I assumed this was a same sex marriage so the "father" situation was not the issue, rather that the baby will have 2 mums?? And which of the mothers surnames should the baby have??

Have I totally misread the relationship?*

well username is JamesJames and they talk about their father and “lineage” which is usually a male thing.

have you assumed same sex as most women just give dad’s name and change their own, so this must be a same sex problem?

@glitterfarts

Except that’s not true, most babies have the family surname which is also the fathers name. Those who are unmarried also usually take the fathers surname and thisnis actually what happened in the past as well.

all that happens is the hospital asks what the surname is and it gets entered there. It’s not automatic to get the mothers maiden name at all.

It’s weird to pretend giving the mothers surname is tradition and I have no idea why people here want to

I have 2 boys, age 12 and 14 and I guarantee you they don't even know the first names of their friends' parents let alone their surnames. And they certainly couldn't care less.

*When you give birth, in the hospital, all the babies name bracelets will say "baby mums-surname". Weird to change.

Babies get mums surname*

so in hospital it’s “baby mumsname”

why it weird to change the first name and not the second? Or do you think all newborns should be called “baby” as that’s given to them on their bracelet? 😂

weirder not to change it. it you can change baby you can change the surname.

If you have boys and they have their mothers name and not yours I garuntee they will get teased about it and feel emasculated. It’s the way it is

Small children wouldn't even realise that their friends don't have their dads surname, why would they? By the time they might notice, they've generally been exposed to all kinds of families and wouldn't care. Your statement is daft.

The idea was that the whole family could use the new name.

You’re being ridiculous now. Given surnames are shared by male and female.

How is my Smith more feminine when used by a woman than a man?

My husband has nieces and nephews all with his surname. It’s exactly the same name for all of them. Not masculine/feminine at all!

Whoever is going to do the most life admin…. Use their surname… My DD has my DP surname and it’s annoying already that we have different surnames as I’m the one who books her medical appointments and deals with school stuff 100% of the time!!

@CallMeLinda You may want it to be daft but it isn’t. Most boys in school will have their fathers surnames, that’s a fact. I’m talking pre teens and teens here, not toddlers. The boys will absolutely know about this in school.

Lol @ little boys feeling 'emasculated'. wtf!

@KillingEvenings

There is a zero percent chance your boys don’t know their friends parents surnames. Obviously they are less likely to know them by their first names as they will probably call them Mr and Mrs so and so

@OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide

As I think you knew I meant that they would think that the boy being forced to take his mothers given surname and not having his fathers was feminine and he would get teased.

@pinkyredrose

Lol all you want but if you think schoolboys don’t feel things like that you really don’t have a clue about them. It’s very important to most boys as they start to get older (between say 8 to 12) to confirm their masculine identity.

This is working on the age-old assumption that anything perceived as feminine is inherently bad. It’s “you run like a girl” territory. I thought we were trying to move away from ridiculous assumptions like that these days 🙄

I would suggest double barrelling if at all possible otherwise you could have issues later for the parent who didn't win the surname battle. Friend had so many issues at airports all because they had her late h's name, death certificate even wasn't enough.

Personally I changed my name so much easier all around

@BanjoVio

Im just saying what will happen. If someone wants their boys to be the first canaries down the hole to break that barrier (or try to anyway) they are free to give their sons their name. However their young sons are the ones who will get the teasing not them

Lol all you want but if you think schoolboys don’t feel things like that you really don’t have a clue about them. It’s very important to most boys as they start to get older (between say 8 to 12) to confirm their masculine identity.

yep so important for boys to learn about female
inferiority and the importance of the males in families. One day they’ll get a little wife to keep house and raise children while they do important manly things like bestow their name upon these poor females.

or we could be teaching them about equality. But why do that when you stay in the 50’s.

Im just saying what will happen. If someone wants their boys to be the first canaries down the hole to break that barrier (or try to anyway) they are free to give their sons their name. However their young sons are the ones who will get the teasing not them

hate to break it to you but single mothers have been giving their children their names for decades now.

My daughter’s friends have always called me by my first name. Anyone calling me Mrs anything gets short shrift.

I think you’re taking the piss, but are girls not de-feminised by having their father’s names then? How does it work for the Radfords and their zillions of children?

I genuinely feel sick at this.

Clearly our daughters have to have bigger balls than the boys now.

Have a think about what you would like to do for a middle name. One of you might feel more strongly about eg using a favourite uncle's name as the middle name. One person gets to have their surname, the other gets to use family names for the middle names.

Kids these days are a heck of a lot more progressive than you seem to think (and seem to be!) I’ve taught in schools for over a decade and honestly this ‘teasing’ you’re so sure of is a fantasy.

Mother's name.