What surname for the baby?

[JamesJames]

Most of the discussion on here seems to be about first names / middle names, but my real question is around surnames.

When my wife and I married, we each kept our own surnames. This was exactly as we wanted and expected -- we both find the long survival of the custom of a wife taking her husband's surname rather odd.

However, now that we're expecting a baby we face a problem of what surname to give him. We don't like newly-minted double-barrelled surnames (and our surnames would be very clunky if put together anyway), so what to do?

In terms of our own parents' views, my father has a strong expectation that the baby will have my/his surname (he is always wittering on about "continuing the line" as if we were aristocracy or something), and I think he'd be very upset if it didn't. I don't think my wife's family have any particular expectations, however.

In terms of my wife and me, we both want the baby to have our own respective surnames, but I think it is more out of a general desire to stake our claims rather than trenchantly-held views for either of us!

How do we solve this?

Absolutely could be an issue. South Africa for example is a bugger to get into if you’ve got different names.

Mother's name as the surname. This is traditional - although often the mother has already take the father's surname.

Yours as a middle name?

Double barrel (with or without hyphen).

Allow child to go by one surname socially when older if desired.

If child is a boy, he can drop his mother's surname upon marriage and adopt his spouse's surname in a new double barrel with his father's surname.

If child is a girl, she can drop her father's surname upon marriage and adopt her spouse's surname in a new double barrel with her mother's surname.

Easy.

Your name as a middle name and mum’s surname.

Mothers surname. Or double barrel both your surnames.

I'm never going to tell You that a baby should only take the dads surname. That a bonkers, old fashioned and sexist. There isn't a single valid reason in the world that the bay should only ever take the dads name (unless that's what both parents agree on, which isn't the case here).

Just double barrel it

You’ll end up doing it because it’s the only way to keep everyone happy. Never mind it’s a bit clunky, many are.

As your child grows up they might just use one for everyday, but that’s up to them, and then when they have children they can decide which to chuck before double barrelling the surviving one with their partner’s.

The other option is you make a new name out of your names or just pick something random, but it sounds like that might give your dad a stroke.

Or girls take hers, boys yours, but who’s to say you will have both, and people might think you are a blended family if that bothers you.

Why? If your answer was going to be 'tradition' then that doesn't work as it's tradition for a baby to always have the mother's surname, it's just that more parents were married in previous years. It's absolutely tradition for a baby to have it's mother's surname.

So I'm curious as to why you think it 'should' be the father's name?

I personally think the Father's surname but that's just my view. I have 2 children with my partner, we're not married and they both had his surname. It just seemed right to me

*have not had

We did boys get his, girls get mine.

If we cared about all children having the same name we would have flipped a coin.

This

How come? Not a trite question, I'm genuinely asking why you felt that was more important than them having your name even though you aren't married?

TBH I just felt right to me, that they are his children so should have his surname. They are deeply connected to me as I carried them and nourished them in my womb so it felt right that he should get some kind of connection too.

I've always known children to have the father's surname, married or not, so I'm very surprised to see so many people saying traditionally the mother's surname.
Our child is having its father's surname, I hate my maiden name & still use my late husband's name.

Also, we have no plans for marriage, we've been together 19 years and have a 4 year old and a 8 month old and if we do get married in the future then I'd most likely take his name so we'd all have the same surname, but if we don't I'm not really fussed about having the same names.

We created a portmanteau name for both parents and all the kids. It's been great.

Sorry but no. If I’m going to the trouble and pains of growing this whole human inside me, I’m giving it my name in some capacity. In our case, we’ll double barrel the baby’s name and s/he will have my surname first and then my husband’s. People only used to put fathers’ surnames on birth certificates because once a man claimed the child and gave them his name, they were essentially his property. Ditto for wives.

I have my mums as a middle name and my dad's as a surname and I did the same with my daughter. And as my dad only had girls I also gave my daughter my paternal grandads first name as a middle name. So as a couple we choose first name together, ex got his surname and I took middle names

This is not true, except in cases where the child was born out of wedlock and unacknowledged by the father. In parts of the British isles it was common until fairly recently for women to keep their surname, which is how we have done it, and our kids have their father’s surname.
I understand the reaction to the patriarchal tradition of kids having their father’s surname, but it’s so widespread and tbh I believe it’s a matter of convenience and also a courtesy to your children to give them the obvious choice rather than go with burdensome double barrelled names.
Also if I met a family where the kids had a different surname to their father id assume, wrongly or rightly, that he was the step dad.

I thought long and hard about this. I didn't change my name when we got married. My kids have my surname as a second middle name. I thought this would be good enough.

My 10yo today asked what my surname was. It's in his name! It's an afterthought.

Traditionally, babies have their mother’s surname. (Also traditionally, the mother marries the father and takes his name, but that’s a separate tradition.). My kids are DHsurname because I am Mrs DHsurname. If I weren’t, then they wouldn’t be.

Where are people getting this from? The child always takes the father’s name unless there is a reason not to. If the father is on the birth certificate, traditionally, ie 100 years ago, the child has his surname.

I thought this was always the way and seemed right to me

We have ours my DH's name. I feel like no one ever questions a mother's deep connection to her DC, so it's nice to give the father than acknowledgement. Middle names were from beloved family members on my side of the family though.

Why did it seem right?