Giving baby DPs surname

[FlowerPig]

So it never crossed my mind that baby would have my surname until I saw threads on here re the potential difficulties in not having the same surname.

Me and DP are in a stable relationship, we are engaged but marriage isn't something I've ever really wanted so we've never started planning a wedding. Only now do I think about it, purely so that I'd have the same surname as baby - to me marriage is just a piece of paper.

I am quite happy for baby to have DPs surname. Am I as mad as some of the threads make out or are those views pretty extreme?

Anyone got any thoughts/advice/first hand experience to share?

Unless you're married, I'd give your baby your surname!

But why? I don't really have intentions to get married (nor do I intend to separate from DP).

Marriages break up all the time, do mums change their children's surnames back to their maiden names then?

I don't get it...

@FlowerPig

But why? I don't really have intentions to get married (nor do I intend to separate from DP).

Marriages break up all the time, do mums change their children's surnames back to their maiden names then?

I don't get it...

Wise up, OP. Lots of women and the vast majority of professionals don't change their name on marriage, and either give their children their surname, or both their surname and their husband's. DS has both of our names.

Also, if you're 'engaged' but have no intention of marrying, what on earth do you think an engagement is?

I have my baby ex dps surname. I like the traditional sense of having your fathers surname. I got the privilege of carrying my baby and everything that goes with it. I feel like the surname is her fathers privilege.

I have to say that if I see a mum's surname different from her children I don't bat an eyelid. If I see a dad's surname different from his children I assume he's not the dad but a stepdad. This might be out of date of me but it's my automatic assumption.
If it was that important to share a surname I think I'd either double barrel it (many of my children's friends did this) or change one of the parents surnames (or both) to match the children - or get married.

I gave my son his dad's surname and then he left me 15 months later. I don't love DS any less because he has his dad's surname and it doesn't make me any less his mother 🤷‍♀️ I don't get why people are so incensed by it

As a database manager I can tell you that
Not everyone has a surname
You can choose any surname you like
So your child can have your surname, your partner's, both, or something else.

I recommend both if you aren't married. Saves a lot of pointless explanations.

to me marriage is just a piece of paper

Then you clearly do not understand what marriage is. There are pages on the Citizens Advice website that explain it clearly.

If you have no intention of marrying then you're not engaged. And if you're not married then the baby should take the mother's surname.

Marriages break up all the time, do mums change their children's surnames back to their maiden names then?

No, because unless there is documented domestic violence they would need the father's permission to change it.

Why do you think a child should have your partner's surname and not yours?

If you've no intention of getting married soon, I'd give the baby your surname name or double barrell it on their birth certificate.

My DC have my exP surname. I regret it and wish I'd insisted they took mine. I didn't really think about it at the time as obviously didn't think we would split up. When they were at school everyone would assume I was Mrs (exP) surname so I was always having to to correct them.

How long have you been together? Do you both contribute the same financially?

The changing of surname dates back to ownership so some women do feel strongly about it. I gave my dc Ex's surname and in some ways regret it. It makes my life a little more challenging but for Ex it is easier..however given I have the dc more frequently then my surname makes more sense.

No one assumes they will separate and I thought we had a stable relationship..until we didn't. 50% of relationships break up so the probability is high.

I wouldn't want a different surname to my child. Especially considering I'd done most of the heavy lifting in making them, added to the fact that if we did separate, I'd likely end up doing most of the heavy lifting from then on. I'd like to think the dad would do 50/50 but if history tells us anything....

If and when the baby's dad decides he also wants the same name, he can either change by deedpoll or marriage to mine and baby's.

I stupidly made the mistake of letting my daughter have my ex partners surname, she's got a different surname to me as we weren't married, what's worse is she's a different colour to me also as my exP was English.. I want to change her surname to mine but he won't consent so I will need to go through the courts and even then there is no guarantee.. I wouldn't give your child your partners surname unless you were married.

Why him?
Why not yours?

It is way to say “oh we are stable”

Life does change so much within years.

Marriages break up all the time, do mums change their children's surnames back to their maiden names then?

You’d need the fathers permission. It’s not easy.

I mean that in the context of she doesn't look like me and if I was to take her on holiday it would look questionable if I was her mother as she's a different colour to me and with a different surname

I was engaged to dd's father with the intention of getting married the year after she was born, and gave her his surname. Sadly, he ended up being an a-grade arsehole, dv, the lot.

Cost me £3500 in court fees to get it changed to mine (and they only do that under very rarely and under serious circumstances), otherwise I would have been faced with a life time of explaining it, carrying letters of permission from him to take her abroad (despite the fact that he's disappeared off the face of the earth and is not allowed contact (court ordered), etc.

Not saying that will happen to you by any means, but you just never know, and I certainly had no idea at the time that this would have happened.

Btw I was you OP. Not married. But when I gave birth I snapped out of it. I said my baby was taking my name just before we registered her. I actually cringe at how disillusioned I was when I was pregnant. So full of love and a view of a perfect world.

We did marry in the end. Not before we risked a split however. When we married we all took on DPs name (which was a nice moment for us all)

Even if you didn’t want to marry, is it worth thinking about changing your name?

If I wasn't married and had no intentions of marrying, there's no way I'd ever give any child anything other than my surname...

It's a self esteem thing for many men, for their offspring to have their surname.
Doesn't stop very many leaving their DC behind with the mother doing most of the donkey work when they split though.
Engagement is meaningless in your case. Be proactive not passive and give them your surname. Your DP reaction will tell you a lot about him.

@babycornplease please can I pm you because this is so similar to my situation right now xx

I know a mum of 5 to 3 different fathers. All the children have their fathers' surnames - so they have 3 different surnames, rather than all having herself
Having said that, my Dd has my dh's surname before we were married.

Why wouldn't you give the child your name?

I regret that day at the registry office where I agreed to our daughter having his surname. Honestly what was I thinking.

OP marriage isn't just a piece of paper.

-currently you and your dp are not eachothers next of kin, so you cannot make medical decisions for eachother.

-no exemption from capital gains tax if one of you dies.

You will never be able to change it (your dp would have to agree to it being changed and most men don't agree). This means unless you change your surname you will never have the same as your child