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Giving baby DPs surname

136 replies

FlowerPig · 13/09/2020 13:18

So it never crossed my mind that baby would have my surname until I saw threads on here re the potential difficulties in not having the same surname.

Me and DP are in a stable relationship, we are engaged but marriage isn't something I've ever really wanted so we've never started planning a wedding. Only now do I think about it, purely so that I'd have the same surname as baby - to me marriage is just a piece of paper.

I am quite happy for baby to have DPs surname. Am I as mad as some of the threads make out or are those views pretty extreme?

Anyone got any thoughts/advice/first hand experience to share?

OP posts:
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IVflytrap · 13/09/2020 21:03

Yeah, it really isn't traditional to give dc the father's surname if you're unmarried - as my family tree can attest! Multiple unmarried mothers from the 1800s onwards, and all the children had the mother's surname, whether the father was on the scene or not.

Ultinately, do what you want to do, but I don't think tradition is a good reason, as it's not actually traditional to give children the father's surname (especially if not married) it's just something some people have started to do a bit more in the last two or three decades.

Personally I would double barrel. I wish that was the default, really. Seems the fairest and easiest option for everyone.

Ladedada · 13/09/2020 23:32

@TerribleCustomerCervix

So it wasn’t a privilege for you.. it was for me, even with all that came with it. If I had the choice who got to carry her again I would choose myself. I got to feel her inside me, I got to nourish her.

Giving the fathers surname wasn’t automatic in my situation or the Ops situation. Why is everyone getting in a huff because that choice is the fathers surname. When doing my family tree pretty much everyone had the fathers surname. I like that. It’s what I wanted for my child. She is no less my child because she doesn’t share my name.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 13/09/2020 23:45

Ladedada, you said in your initial post that you believed that using his surname is the father’s privilege.

You can make whatever choices you like for you and your child- I’m a randomer on MN so I’m not really invested.

What I do find annoying is when women take on the physical, mental and financialrisks of a pregnancy and then use twee language to try and explain why they hand over naming rights to the father.

RobynNora · 13/09/2020 23:57

I’m in exactly your position and my baby will be taking my partner’s name next month simply because I like it much better than my surname! Like you, marriage isn’t meaningful to me and we’re planning a modern, egalitarian civil partnership to take place after Covid, which I feel far more comfortable about for various feminist reasons.

I don’t really see the issue either - we’ll just take documentation if travelling without dad.

My partner and I have been together years longer than loads of married we know so it doesn’t mean we’re more likely to split! Just means they’re more traditional than us :)

Babyvibe · 14/09/2020 00:09

I had a similar situation, me and my partner are not married and don't have any plans to anytime soon. I gave my son my partners name because even though we see no point in marrying now I know we probably will in the future and I don't want my son to have a different name to us both as I would like to change my name when we do get married. So far it doesn't cause any issues, I'm fine with it.

blanchmange50 · 14/09/2020 08:58

All those woman changing there names or giving there DC there DH have you never considered keeping your names , double barrelling or god forbid giving your DC your name and your DH taking on yours

Ladedada · 14/09/2020 10:21

@TerribleCustomerCervix yes I do think it’s a privilege for him to share his name and heritage with our daughter.. but it was my decision for her to have his surname, he would of accepted whatever I chose to do. I did not mean it as his privilege equals his rights or decision.

badg3r · 14/09/2020 13:21

Our kids have DP's surname. We were in a similar situation to you OP when first was born, married for subsequent ones. DP got to give them his surname and I got pretty much free reign to pick the first names. The only time it is annoying is when we travel, I need to take a copy of DC's birth certificates and do often get asked for them at airport security, even within the EU. When you register the birth I advise buying several copies, they are around £4 a copy at the time. We got something like 5 for our first and it has been useful!

EmilySpinach · 14/09/2020 13:35

I don't know if you are still reading OP, and this is off-topic, but your update about your DP being older and having an older child has chimed with a personal experience. Please discuss with your DP the option of getting a lasting power of attorney so that in the event that there are decisions to be made in the future, for example about care, you are consulted and recognised as his next of kin.

allhappeningatonce · 14/09/2020 19:44

Can I jump on this and ask for advice? I was engaged long before I got pregnant, we were due to marry this summer but corona ruined that 😭 we decided to hold out for the day we planned and that will now be next summer. Baby will be due in a few months so will be about 6 months old when we marry. I fully intend to give it its father's name instead of mine. Am I being daft? I've no reason not to trust him & if I wanted to get married tomorrow he would do it to make me happy. (He'd rather our nice day though too) I still haven't entirely decided yet about my own name after we marry but would it be stupid not to give the baby my name?

Puppy72 · 14/09/2020 19:46

If I had another, I will be giving them my surname. I thought my ex was my forever man.. Now unfortunately my daughter has his surname and I have to jump all sorts of hoops to try and change her surname.

BlueJay99 · 14/09/2020 20:41

@allhappeningatonce if you want security (financial) before your baby arrives sign the contract. That is the important bit, not the 'big day'. A celebration could come later.

If you are set on waiting, could you give baby your name and then change both of your names, yours & baby's, once married.

Feminist10101 · 14/09/2020 20:43

If you are set on waiting, could you give baby your name and then change both of your names, yours & baby's, once married.

Screw that! Why should OP have the hassle. If they all want the same name he can change his name!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/09/2020 22:15

Also the traditional purpose of an engagement seems to have shifted!

When we were engaged, 24 years ago, we encountered people who were really surprised - to the point of disbelief - when they learned that our being engaged actually meant that we were committed to marriage (ASAP after graduating). To them, you were either engaged (i.e. had been dating for a while and had no immediate plans to break up) or you were engaged to be married. We, in turn, were surprised that there was such a thing as being engaged without the clear intention/commitment to marrying. It would be pretty much like telling people you're pregnant and having a baby - you expect the single word to naturally convey the whole concept....

Tradition has always dictated that children take their mother's name; it's just that tradition has also dictated that couples marry before having children and also that wives take their husbands' surnames. If a traditionally-married woman who has taken her husband's surname subsequently has a baby, the baby is named after their mum - it just so happens that their dad also has the same surname. He was the source of their mother's current surname, but she is the source of theirs.

Where parents are not married, the law gives fathers no naming rights at all. In accordance with the law, registry offices will allow any of the following to legally register (and thus officially name) a baby:

A. The mother on her own;

B. The mother's husband on his own (whether or not he is the baby's father and/or shares the surname he legally declares to be given to the baby);

C. The mother accompanied by her husband - with both considered to have equal agency;

D. The mother accompanied by her partner/boyfriend - with her considered to have sole agency but with him allowed to be present and agree on name/registration details as a courtesy extended to him by the mother, who is always in the 'driving seat' with all decisions and has sole right to rule on all names/birth details, should her partner wish (unsuccessfully) to state/decide anything differently.

Essentially, the law considers a child to automatically be his/her mother's child (as biology obviously dictates) if she is unmarried; and if she is married, the law automatically extends this right equally to her husband.

MamaLoLo1 · 14/09/2020 22:46

My son has my surname as his middle name and his father's as his surname. We're also engaged but not married. I'm very happy with the name arrangement. It would be a mouthful for our son to say both!

GreasyFryUp · 15/09/2020 12:39

@Ladedada

I have my baby ex dps surname. I like the traditional sense of having your fathers surname. I got the privilege of carrying my baby and everything that goes with it. I feel like the surname is her fathers privilege.
Me too here. If he had a shit surname I wouldn't have done as mine is ace but I see no problem. Have travelled once abroad without him and didn't bother getting a letter off him. I'd gave rather kicked up a fuss at the airport than do that.

He's an ex now but a friend and have no problems with us having different surnames.

Champy87 · 15/09/2020 13:32

So I hated my maiden name (my fathers surname which noone particularly likes including my father) and my husband had a great surname so it was a no brainer to take it when we got married. I did make it very clear that had it been the other way around, I would not be giving up my name so easily. I felt strongly about having the same name as my children but it was still a discussion between my husband and i and not just assumed that i would give up my name.

I also come from divorced parents. While it was useful when we were younger that my mum had the same name as me and my sister (she took my fathers surname when they married), we have both since married and taken our husbands names which means my mum is left with this awful surname which neither of her grown children now have.

emilybrontescorsett · 15/09/2020 22:49

I would give the baby your surname.
If you give it dad's surname you can't change it. Realistically the chances of an unmarried couples staying together forever are slim. By the time a child is 14 the chances of its parents still being together are less than 50%, this percentage is higher amongst unmarried parents. Lots of those parents go on to have other children, often giving the next child the new dad's name. I wouldn't like to be in this situation so if rather all the dcs had my name.

CoalCraft · 16/09/2020 15:39

It's perfectly possible to use different surnames in different contexts, e.g. I use my married name for everything except for work, where I use my maiden name still (for continuity more than anything).

I personally like the idea of everyone in our nuclear family using the same surname, so my kids will use my married name, but I don't think this is essential at all. Just give them whatever bags you like.

Feminist10101 · 16/09/2020 15:47

If you give it dad's surname you can't change it

You can with permission.

theresaplaceforus · 16/09/2020 16:18

@FlowerPig I’m pregnant at the moment - 36 weeks and my daughter will have my surname because we are not married. No matter how strong the relationship is, we aren’t married so the children will have my surname. If we marry we will all change our names. Simple.

Feminist10101 · 16/09/2020 16:45

[quote theresaplaceforus]@FlowerPig I’m pregnant at the moment - 36 weeks and my daughter will have my surname because we are not married. No matter how strong the relationship is, we aren’t married so the children will have my surname. If we marry we will all change our names. Simple.[/quote]
Only your partner would need to change their name, surely?!

emilybrontescorsett · 16/09/2020 21:02

A birth certificate showing a child registered with a father's surname cannot be changed.
It is vital that mothers know this. It absolutely cannot be changed.
When you are an adult you can call yourself what you like by changing your name via deedpoll. Your birth certificate will remain unchanged.

emilybrontescorsett · 16/09/2020 21:03

You can change from the mothers surname to the fathers. The reverse cannot happen.

Bingobongo1 · 16/09/2020 21:26

I know someone who changed her name by deed poll when pregnant to have same name as her partner /baby.

I'd also think about the financial side of things if your not married. Especially if your going to be a sahp/do the lions share of parenting and your career prospects are reduced.

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