Giving baby DPs surname

[FlowerPig]

So it never crossed my mind that baby would have my surname until I saw threads on here re the potential difficulties in not having the same surname.

Me and DP are in a stable relationship, we are engaged but marriage isn't something I've ever really wanted so we've never started planning a wedding. Only now do I think about it, purely so that I'd have the same surname as baby - to me marriage is just a piece of paper.

I am quite happy for baby to have DPs surname. Am I as mad as some of the threads make out or are those views pretty extreme?

Anyone got any thoughts/advice/first hand experience to share?

Why would you choose to give his name to the baby?

Why bother getting engaged if you don’t plan to marry, “engaged” isn’t a thing bar agreeing intent to marry.

Why not read up about what marriage means? Marriages do break up but unmarried parents are statistically more likely to split up.

There’s plenty you don’t understand so focus on that.

I grew up with a different surname to my mum and it honestly never bothered me at all. I was married when we had our daughter and she has her dad's surname and then my surname as a middle name (I have a Greek name so wanted to keep it as part of her heritage). I've opted for a double barrelled surname for myself but didn't want to give her one mainly for practicality's sake! I thought I'd feel sad giving up my maiden name but to be honest it really doesn't make a difference to me now. In my head I'll always be Miss xxxx anyway

I’d 100% give baby your last name unless you definitely plan on getting married. So many people have lived to regret their decision not to do this.

I’d also think very carefully before automatically putting him on the birth certificate.

I let my dp have his name as our daughter’s surname, it’s worked out ok for us and we are getting married but I have no intention of changing my name when we do, so with hindsight I would have rather given her my surname.

Some interesting responses...

Hadn't considered the annoyance of being mistaken for Mrs DP if we were to split, especially if it were to happen on bad terms!

I think I'm just more for the traditional way of giving her her fathers surname. I can't see a reason she would need to have mine, she is as much of him and she is me and I imagine he (and his parents) would be quite hurt if she never got his surname, whereas I'm not really fussed.

As @Ladedada said I've had the privilege of carrying her and will hopefully have the privilege of breastfeeding and being her best friend and confidante as she grows up, as my mum is with me.

The only reason that would tempt me would be to carry the family name but I have 3 brothers who are already carrying on our family name with their children.

Re marriage it just isn't something I want, I grew up in a dysfunctional home, and see many dysfunction marriages. To me it's a piece of paper that makes it more difficult and painful to leave if/when you want/need. We got engaged as a show of commitment (also unnecessary IMO really), I think my partner hopes I will one day "come round" and get married but to me it's pointless. That's my opinion and stance on the matter, I respect yours so no need to be rude/dismissive or question mine. It isn't the point of the post.

I understand relationships end all the time, I suppose I just can't see myself feeling bitter towards her having his name of it were to happen, but that's one of those things you only know when you experience it.

Someone mentioned needing letters to holiday alone with DC - this was more of the kind of answers I was looking for. How true is this? I probably will holiday alone with her and my mother over the years, but surely anyone could forge a letter?!

Any other difficulties like this I could be faced with?

@Puppy72 just replied xx

My Ds has his daddy's surname and my neice and nephew have mine.

It doesn't bother me at all he is as much his daddy's as he is mine no matter what he's called and I'm probably a traditionalist, that said I doubt we will get married so many other things that need money before we need a party etc

I’ve been married nearly 20 years. Never used husband’s surname.

10 yo DD has his surname with mine as a middle name. Never had an issue travelling etc and have been all around the world on my own with her.

Nothing says you have to share a surname - I never felt the need to. I know she’s mine!

Women changing their names on marriage is a tradition that could t be more rooted in sexism. Why so many continue to do it (often unthinkingly) is beyond me. It’s not romantic. It’s not an equal choice (what percentage of men ever even consider doing it?!).

I think I'm just more for the traditional way of giving her her fathers surname

Tradition is that children take their mothers name. Tradition also says marry first children second.

I can't see a reason she would need to have mine. Why would she need his?

Why would he be hurt? I’m sure his parents know that tradition says she’ll have your name.

You’re clearly adamant she’ll have his name so not sure why you bothered asking. Being engaged isn’t a sign of commitment. It’s completely pointless if you’re not getting married. It certainly won’t give your child any additional security.

A marriage certificate is a piece of paper in the same way that a £50 note is, your passport is, your child’s birth certificate is, the deeds to a house are. Eg it means something legal and significant. The fact that it makes ending a relationship harder is precisely the point. That’s what makes it a commitment.

So you think it's traditional to give your child your partners surname but you are not traditional enough to get married? Please reconsider your decision, as having your surname will make life easier for you after you split up.

Well she doesn't need to have either of your surnames, you could just pick a random one. Its tradition to give the child the same as parents to show which family they are from. Why is your dps family name more important to your child's personal history than yours? What makes his family the real family and yours not?

The tradition for unmarried parents was for children to have the mothers name. This moved to double barrelled or the dads.

I'd double barrel with your name first (unless it sounds better with his first or would give unfortunate initials). If you later get married, all three of you could go with the double barrelled name.

Also, the minute you give a child a name it is theirs. The marital status of the parents/their choice of surname should make no difference to the child, who’s name should be left alone until they are old enough to decide themselves.

My name is the same as my dad’s just as DH’s surname is the same as his dad’s. But they are our surnames.

I deeply regret giving my DD her fathers surname. We weren't married and split when she was 3.

I have made sure she has my surname as 'known as' at school. We hadn't seen her dad for 6 months before she started school so there was no way I was going to be called Mrs BastardEx all the way through her school years.

She has to use her legal surname on official documents, at the Dr, etc. She hates it. I've told her it's up to her whether she wants to change it legally when she's older.

If I had my time over again, and I'd found MN earlier! DD would have my surname.

Neither of our surnames are middle name material and I don't really want to double barrel 8 letter and 10 letter surnames.

Thinking about the travel I flew to Florida via Chicago at 15 with my friends dad as she was already out there for the summer with her mum, and was never questioned once (it was 15y mind).

Any other ways it could make life difficult if I don't share the same surname as DD?

Neither of our surnames are middle name material

WTF does that mean?

I see a middle name as second first name (usually a grandparents/parents name in our family), not a surname.
I wouldn't call a child "Jones" so I wouldn't choose to give DD "Jones" as a middle name. Didn't mean offence.

OP, you don’t get it. But equally, I don’t get why you would automatically give your baby your partners name? Why not yours? And if it’s an equal choice, as it should be - without a cultural bias towards taking the father’s - then yours makes better sense. The baby came out of YOUR body and chances are you will be in that baby’s life for always. And if you’re not intending to get married and change YOUR name (which I wouldn’t - and didn’t - on marriage, but lots do) why would you want your baby to have a different surname to YOU?

Be buggered if I would carry and give birth to a child that doesn't have the same name as me.

Just put your surname in there somewhere. It doesn't matter if you double, triple barrel it or never use it, but it's there if you or she want to use it.

None of us think our relationships are going to end. None of us think our child may never see their dad ever again. Putting your surname in her name gives you and her a connection. If you never need to use that part of her name, great! But surely it's better to have it and not use it than to need it and not have it?

My SIL has given her child my brothers surname with her surname as a middle name. That sounds like a good idea to me.

I always travelled with DDs birth certificate when she was younger and was asked to show it several times.

You could change your name to dps if you wanted to all have the same without marriage and want dc to have his surname

I suppose it's just all I've ever known, friends from unmarried parents have had their fathers name, friends give their children their DPs surname. I've only known kids get their mums name if their dads not in the picture / a bit of a twat.

The first time i saw this idea of not giving your child DPs name when in a relationship was on here, I am just looking for the reasons it makes life easier for her to have my name.

I'm due in a couple of weeks. DP and I are engaged but I won't change my surname when we marry. Baby is having both, with no hyphen.

@Ladedada

I have my baby ex dps surname. I like the traditional sense of having your fathers surname. I got the privilege of carrying my baby and everything that goes with it. I feel like the surname is her fathers privilege.

I wouldn't consider enduring pregnancy a privilege in itself

@M0mmyneedswine

You could change your name to dps if you wanted to all have the same without marriage and want dc to have his surname

Or he could change his name to hers.

See how accustomed most people are to this abject and unnecessary sexism. It’s 2020 FFS.